Monday, June 29, 2015

Girl On Go-Gurt Action!

You may remember One Million Moms from their jihad against Kraft, and specifically the undressed man who hawked their dressing. Well, they're back, and this time they're torqued at lactose-lovin' L-Words.
Nude lesbians cavort in bed in 'sinful' TV commercial
As we've said before, we don't believe there are actually one million moms who care if there are ladies out there with eclectic tastes that include vagina, soured milk products, and implied nudity. Instead, we suspect it's one mom with multiple personalities -- not a million of them, because that would be too awesome to hope for, so let's just say it's probably more than Toni Collette had in The United States of Tara, but fewer than Sally Field fielded in Sybil. The twist is that this time, every personality is an asshole!
Members of One Million Moms, a faith-based advocacy group tied to the American Family Association, is furious over a Chobani yogurt ad featuring lesbians in bed and is calling for the company to pull the TV commercial now airing in the U.S.
I was talking to Mary about it, and she thinks it's not really MillionMom who's worked up by this commercial, but MillionDad. ("You're right, honey, this is shocking! And scandalous. And sinful! Oh very, very sinful. It's probably some other 's' words too, but I can't think of any at the moment. Let's watch it two or three more times and I'm sure they'll come to me...!"
The ad shows a woman in bed eating the yogurt, stroking the foot of a companion laying beside her, and then standing and wrapping the sheet around her naked body before leaving the room. It’s then the viewer is shown the other nude person in the bed is not a man, like one would expect, but a woman. She smiles and the camera reveals she’s wearing a wedding ring.
I had no preconceptions about the sex of the bed's other occupant, but I was relieved that it didn't turn out to be, as I originally expected, a severed horse head.
One Million Moms says the ad promotes sexual sin, as well as homosexual marriage.
I'd say it acknowledges same sex marriage, rather than promotes it, since the commercial is selling yogurt and not diamonds, flowers, or pastel cummerbunds. But if we assume, arguendo, that this is true, that means, perforce, that it can't also be promoting "sexual sin", since the ladies are married. They may be doing it Sappho-style, and then celebrating with Greek yogurt just to keep the theme going, but the important thing is, they're not doing it Bristol Palin style.
Meanwhile, the narrator sings in the background, “To love this life is to live it naturally,” and posts the text over a shot of the ocean water and beach.
If your biggest problem with this commercial is that it ends with some pseudo-inspirational quote over an image of sea and sand, then it's possible your beef isn't with lesbian yogurt, but with 90% of Instagram users over the age of thirty.
“There is nothing natural about homosexuality,” One Million Moms wrote.
But at least it's not an abomination, unlike yogurt. Especially that fruit-at-the-bottom crap.
 “What does selling yogurt have to do with gay sex? Nothing at all, but Chobani wants to make the association.”
Okay MillionMom, if you're outraged about someone using sex to sell a product, I would just remind you that Chobani didn't invent the concept, and suggest you take it up with the Garden of Eden Fruit Growers Association and their spokesmodel, Eve.
The group then references a biblical passage, Romans 1:26-27
Which was a heartbreaker of a loss for the Romans, especially coming into the playoffs.
to support its view of homosexuality as a sin, and asks for similarly outraged Americans to call the company to petition for the ad’s removal.
I don't know if there are enough "similarly outraged Americans" to actually fill up a whole petition. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of outrage to go around in this country, but I don't know how similar it is to MillionMom's; I have a feeling her outrage is somewhat sui generis, at least in it's peculiar focus on homosexuals in proximity to food.  But even if she realized it, I don't expect such knowledge would deter MillionMom; rather, I imagine it would only inspire her to make her name literally true by investigating that cloning process that cranks out excess Tatiana Maslanys.
“[We're] urging them to pull this inappropriate commercial immediately and remain neutral in the culture war,” the group wrote. “Also, let Chobani know that continuing to air this ad and offensive advertisements in the future will force your family to make the decision to no longer purchase Chobani products.”
No offense, MillionMom, but they sell yogurt, so maybe you're not the demographic they're really targeting. But don't be discouraged; the day Frito-Lay decides to promote Cheddar & Sour Cream flavored Ruffles with buttsex is the day you get to bring down the MillionMom Mallet!
Some national media applauded the ad. The Huffington Post called it “stunning” and “sexy,” while The New York Daily News called it, “steamy,” and “gay”-media outlets raved.
"The most erotic meeting of food and sex since the dinner scene in Tom Jones!" -- Journal of Industrial Foodservice.

"Blue is the Warmest Color, but refrigerate your yogurt." -- National Association of Dairy Product Retailers.
As WND reported, world renowned Christian leader Rev. Franklin Graham told his Facebook followers to stop doing business with stores and corporations that advance unbiblical principles – that the power of the purse can be used to advance God’s will. 
Graham told the Charlotte Observer he plans to compile and publicize a list of companies that feature same-sex couples in their advertising. “I want people to know,” he said.
Good luck with your many hours of research into sexy gay images, Reverend. And maybe hang a necktie on the doorknob so your roommate doesn't just walk in on you.
He wrote: “Have you ever asked yourself – how can we fight the tide of immoral decay that is being crammed down our throats by big business, the media, and that gay & lesbian community? Every day it is something else!”
Thanks to big business gays and the media, life in America today is just like the old Mickey Mouse Club: Monday is Fun with Music Day, Wednesday is Anything Can Happen Day, Thursday is Circus Day, but every day is Throat-Cramming Day!
And as example, he announced his own evangelical organization will cut ties with Wells Fargo because of advertising featuring lesbians.
And accidentally deposited all his money in a bank that's gayer than the collected works of Jean Genet, but hey, it's the ugly thought that counts.
“This is one way we as Christians can speak out,” he wrote. “We have the power of choice. Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”
I'm sorry, Rev, did you say something? I was too busy watching nude lesbians cavort sinfully. (OPENS FORTUNE COOKIE) In bed.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Farewell Chester

As you may have seen in the thread below, our good friend, the wise, witty, and very kind KWillow, has lost her cat Chester. I asked if she had a picture we could post -- Chester has made several appearances on Wo'C in the past, but I thought she might have a special image in mind, and indeed she did:
I took a photo of Chester - a nice one - and photoshopped it into a watercolor. I think it catches his wide-eyed kitten look. The mean "I'm gonna get ya!" was totally not Chester, tho it was pretty funny.
In Memorium Chester

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Why, I Oughta" Edition

Moondoggie defends himself against a classic Three Stooges fighting technique, the Two Finger Eye-Poke with a finishing Nose Twist.

Friday, June 26, 2015

The Rainbow Zone Is For The Immediate Loading and Unloading...

Today is a great day, as another group of Second Class citizens is finally bumped up to First.  And though it took a fortune in legal fees, most of our SkyMiles, and who knows how many hours spent standing in line at the counter while the Supreme Court clerks clacked away on their computer terminals, doing whatever it is they do, the Nine Old Men (actually, it's the Six Old Men, plus the Three Old Women, minus the Four Old Assholes) have acknowledged that all Americans have an equal right to board marriage in an orderly fashion as soon as their row is called.  (And since this is a party, would it kill them to offer a complimentary beverage for once?)

To our wingnut friends and visitors, I would respectfully advise that you to take some time to deal with your frustration and disappointment, refocus your energies, and then, when you're ready, move on to blockading some other form of social progress.

But to all our gay and lesbian friends, Mary, Sheri, and I would just like to say: Congratulations! And please don't register someplace expensive.

Update: From Bill S.:
I'd have never guessed that this morning, when I was in my living room, stereo headphones on blasting, George Michael's "Freedom" and dancing in my underwear, that I'd come home to news like this! Wait, did I MAKE that happen? Was I unwittingly performing a liturgical dance?

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Whiniest Living Confederate Widow Tells All

Todd Starnes, Fox News Radio squeeze toy and the most Dick Van Patten looking mofo since the death of Dick Van Patten, is in a snit about the impending dearth of Confederate tchotchkes, and you can kind of understand his concern, since there's only thirty-one shopping days till Treason Season.
The Cultural Cleansing of the Southern States Begins 
A full-fledged cultural cleansing of the Southern states is underway as lawmakers debate whether to remove Confederate flags and rename schools and parks named after Confederate war heroes.
I hope we have enough Old Dutch Culture Cleanser® on hand. Although I bet we actually don't, since we seemed to have culturally cleansed the Old Dutch -- at least I assume that's the reason I can no longer walk down to the windmill-shaped corner bakery for a delicious Van de Kamp's coffee cake.
There are also discussions in Washington, D.C. about removing Confederate-related statues from the U.S. Capitol — including a statue of Jefferson Davis, the former president of the Confederacy.
Okay, why do we even have a statue of an enemy head of state in the U.S. Capitol? The only possible excuse would be if the statue were actually hollow, and if you pressed his waistcoat buttons in the correct order a secret passage would pop open, leading to a hidden chamber full of Confederate gold. (Attention Producers of the National Treasure franchise: call me.)
Republicans, meanwhile, are leading the charge in South Carolina and Mississippi to remove the Confederate flag — called a symbol of hate and racism.
Which is a totally unfair thing for the passive voice to call it. True, white men rallied under that banner and killed other men for the right to own black people, but slavery was so much more than just hate and racism. It was also torture and rape, so let's give Dixie its due.
Has the Department of Homeland Security classified the Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy as right-wing hate groups, yet?
No time like the present!
Meanwhile, there are dozens of reports from around the southeast of lawmakers hoping to rename parks and schools and streets that were originally named in honor of Confederates.
Well maybe we should give some of America's other traitors a chance. Benedict Arnold Elementary School?  Aaron Burr Dog Park?  John Walker, Jr. Junior High?
*Tennessee lawmakers are demanding that a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest be removed from the statehouse;
Given that Nathan Bedford Forrest was a slave trader, war criminal, and -- as the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan -- a domestic terrorist, perhaps they could exhume his mouldering corpse and replace the bust with his actual head; that would probably satisfy everyone.  Or better yet, increase Bedford's visibility and finally pay him the honor he's due by sticking his pointy brain case on a pole outside the statehouse. Better late than never.

Actually, I bet the Yalies beat us to it and his head's sitting on a shelf in the Skull and Bones clubhouse between Martin Van Buren and Pancho Villa.
*Baltimore lawmakers want to rename Robert E. Lee Park;
Can't imagine why a majority Black city would be unenthusiastic about honoring a slave-owning traitor who spilled an ocean of blood to keep their ancestors in chains. Maybe they could compromise and just pretend the whole thing was named after a Korean guy.
*Dallas lawmakers are considering demands to rename Stonewall Jackson Elementary School;
Hopefully they'll keep up the tradition, though, and name it after some other officer who was fragged by his own men.
*St. Louis lawmakers are debating over the future of a confederate statue in a city park;
Lawmakers debating. It's like we're watching the death of democracy in real time.
*Commissioners in Hillsborough, North Carolina are debating whether to remove the words “Confederate Memorial” from a Confederate memorial.
It's not their fault. The FDA issued new regulations, and now anything labeled "Confederate Memorial" has to contain a minimum of "10% Real Confederates." And no added sugar.
*The Memphis City Council voted in 2013 to rename three parks – Confederate Park, Jefferson Davis Park and Nathan Bedford Forrest Park.
Forrest again? Surely we could spread the wealth and name the grassy places where we take our children to play after some of our nation's other proto-Nazi massacre mavens?
It won’t be too long before they start renaming cities and towns and counties named after Confederates. And I reckon it’s only a matter of time before they bulldoze the Confederate grave yards and war memorials too.
Actually, we should probably leave the graveyards intact, but build tract homes on top of them, thereby setting up the next sequel in the Poltergeist franchise. This is America, people! Let's not leave money on the table...
Maybe we can just pretend the Civil War never happened.
Or maybe you can finally admit that it did, and you guys lost.
I’m assuming Hollywood will cooperate with the South’s cultural cleansing by eradicating any copies of “Gone with the Wind” and “Forrest Gump.” Forrest was named after the aforementioned Nathan Bedford Forrest.
Okay, you actually make a good point here. I don't want moviegoers to forget, even for a moment, that one of cinema's premier morons was descended from Nathan Bedford Forrest.
I do wonder, though, about those good ole boys from Hazzard County. What are Bo and Luke Duke are going to do with the General Lee?
Apparently use it to promote an app for used car listings.
Maybe they could just paint a rainbow flag on top and call it the General Sherman. 
He culturally cleansed the South, too.
Yep. He gayed that place to a cinder.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Happy Father's Day

By Bill S.

It's Father's Day, and ordinarily I'd be putting together a list of the worst movie and TV dads to mark the occasion. But this year, it's kind of hard for me to get into the spirit of that, because a pair of real life celebrity dads have disgraced themselves more than any fictional character could. I'm talking, of course, about Jim-Bob Duggar and Bill Cosby.

There's not much I can add to what's already been said about Duggar. His decision, upon learning that four of his daughters were being sexually abused by his son, to do less than nothing shows what an awful person he is. And yes, I know his wife Michelle shares in the blame, but since they belong to a church that places women below men, I'm guessing he was the one who had final say. They're both assholes, as is Josh, and the people rushing to defend the family (I'm looking at you, Doug Giles), especially the ones who are acting butthurt that 19 and Counting was taken off the air. If any show deserves to be canceled, it's that one. How can anyone possibly view its sunny depiction of family values the same way, knowing what we now know. It's hard enough to do that with The Cosby Show, and that family is purely fictional.

Which brings me to its star. During the show's run, even at the height of its popularity, Bill Cosby refused to submit his name for Emmy consideration, while still accepting nominations for "serious" dramatic roles. His publicly stated reason was that playing the lovable, "perfect" sitcom dad Cliff Huxtable wasn't "real" acting. Turns out though, he was actually giving the performance of his life. Except for the episode where Cliff grills his daughter Denise's new husband about whether she was still a virgin on their wedding day. That was definitely all Cosby, and not his character.

Perhaps by next Father's Day, I'll be able to deliver my usual would-be-clever take on fictional bad dads. But this year, I'd rather tell a story about my own dad, Bill Sr., who passed away in 1988 at age 55. Back in the Olden Days (by which I mean the early '80's) when our family first got a VCR, there were really only two types of movies my brothers would rent: Shitty horror films (nothing I'd actually want to watch) and porn (also, nothing I'd actually want to watch.) One of the worst horror flicks they rented was a piece of sludge called I Spit On Your Grave. For those of you who haven't seen it (and, barring some unimagined streak of masochism, that probably includes most of you), it features Camille Keaton (who is related to Buster Keaton in some way, I can't remember how) as a woman who is brutally raped by four men (shown in graphic, disgusting detail in three different scenes) and proceeds to turn the tables on them, killing them all (show in graphic, disgusting detail in four different scenes.) In one such act of revenge, the woman lures the guy into her bathtub. Once they're both in, she reaches for a knife, slices the guy's nuts off, and leaves him to bleed to death.

My dad was passing through the living room at the exact moment this scene was playing out. He watched it to its gory conclusion and, without missing a beat, quipped, "Well, that doesn't leave much room for a tourniquet", and then exited.

Happy Father's Day, Dad! I miss you.

Sing us out, Jeff Stone.

-Bill S., Jr.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Doug Giles Defends Josh Duggar Because of Course He Does

Our homily today will be delivered by the Reverend Mr. Giles, rector of the Testosterone Tabernacle and Ramada Inn.
Hey, is there any way we can get two or three more phallic symbols into this shot?
JOSH DUGGAR: Hideous Hypocrite Or Broken Dude Trying To Do What’s Right?
I’ve never watched The Duggars’ “Reality Show”.  The initial and subsequent promos for it never really flicked my switch.  There wasn’t enough crap blowing up, guns blazing, mud soaked monster Jeeps slingin’ caliche, or… enough crap blowing up.
"Because I'm a man! A MAN! [Grabs crotch, misses. Successfully seizes junk on second attempt with the aid of a dental mirror] A MAAAAAAN!"
For moi
A Frenchman, apparently. But still...
sitting around and watching a couple with nineteen kids wearing Mormon dresses with Pentecostal hairdos do chores and squabble about Scrabble didn’t really pique my interests.  Call me carnal.
"I prefer it when a man's daughters are dressed like whores. That's how I raised my daughter Hannah, and look where she is now.  (That wasn't a figure of speech, by the way, I was hoping you could look to see where she is now, because she seems to have been swallowed up by the obscurity she so richly deserves, but a few years ahead of schedule...)"
No, when I watch TV it’s either the news, Netflix, Hitchens on YouTube, chick flicks (for my wife), horror movies and/or warrior pics for me or one of Mark Sullivan’s dangerous game hunting DVDs that I usually have on a loop like the Warren Commission did The Zapruder Film. Exciting, eh? ��
Even by today's fairly elastic standards of manhood, I'm no Crom-worshiping Cimmerian, but I don't feel the need to document my masculinity every single paragraph. Could Doug be working through some issues, do you think? Maybe he invited his bros out for a canned hunt, and they tracked a fainting goat through a petting zoo and then gang bang-banged it until the goat was reduced to a semi-liquid form -- sort of a glo-coat of goat splashed across the fence -- and afterwards they all went out for brewskis and that new wiener crust pizza from Pizza Hut, but then the bill came and Doug's man card was declined.
I said all that to say this: I don’t have a dog in the Duggar hunt...That said, I don’t wish them ill and I hope they pull out of this harmatological hell that has hit their home.
Doug makes it sound like the Duggar house was hit by a tornado, rather than hosting serial episodes of sexual abuse by one of its residents. Josh Duggar's behavior can be described in a number of ways, but I don't think "Act of God" is one of them.
I will tell you, however, that there is someone out there who is McLovin’ on The Duggars right now.  Her name?  Hillary Rodham Clinton.
If anyone is McLovin' on the Duggars, I'd think it was McDonalds (I still can't believe they missed the chance for a cross-promotional merchandising tie-in between Superbad and their "I'm Lovin' It" campaign. Now I'm just spitballing here, but what about Happy Meals containing tiny airline bottles of Absolut and J├Ągermeister?)  Anyway, I'm sorry for interrupting, Doug. You were lying...?
Why do I think the old Hildebeest be diggin’ on the Duggar debacle?
As you can see, Doug is down with the street, a preacher who can really rap with the teens because he "groks" their cuckoo lingo. I don't think there's been another clergyman this hip since Pat Boone in The Cross and the Switchblade.
 Well, it’s principally because it’s keeping the coverage off her abysmally unattended stump speeches, her intergalactic horse-scat and the disgustingly dirty Clinton Cash.  
"[H]er intergalactic horse-scat"?   Okay, I'm going to have to pause here and offer an amendment to Rule 34, which will henceforth read as follows: "If it exists, there is porn of it. (i) Even if it doesn't exist, Doug Giles will make up porn about it."
Yep, I guarantee Hillary is in some underground lair donned in a Dr. Evil nehru suit, maniacally laughing her haggard backside off
To quote Crow T. Robot: "Whatever tugs at your bobber, little buddy."
Matter of fact, I wouldn’t doubt if her cabal had that police chief yield up the sealed Duggar intel to InTouch because it was in Little Rock, y’know?  I wonder if that police chief has any connections to The Clintons? Any campaign contributions? Any soirees over lemonade and sweet potato pie? Now, that would be worth poking around a bit, wouldn’t it? Maybe Peter Schweitzer’s team could take a little “look see” as they say in Arkansas? But that’s enough of my right-wing conspiracy theories.
Maybe we should bring back The Arkansas Project? True, the sequel to The Blair Witch Project didn't do that well, but hope is the thing with feathers. Anyway, if I'm reading Doug correctly, Hillary Clinton suborned a teenage Josh Duggar to sexually assault his sisters, knowing that his family would later get a reality show and become famous, and thereby allowing Clinton to dramatically reveal the crime thirteen years later and draw attention away from the announcement of her presidential campaign. Wow. And I thought Sauron had a gift for long-range planning.
Now to my point: According to The Left, unless one’s perfect you can’t call sin, sin.  Jim Bob’s and Josh’s denunciations of homosexuality, according to Libs, is illegit because of Josh’s past gross vices, even though he confessed them and repented of them. 
Josh's demand (or at least, the demand of his former employer, the Family Research Council) that "denunciations of homosexuality" should have the force of law are "illegit" (but not too illegit to quit. Or at least to resign under pressure) because we're not yet a theocracy and nobody, to my knowledge, has elected Duggar Pope, or Lord Protector, or High Sparrow, or whatever.  But the point Doug really can't seem to grasp, because he's as blind to hypocrisy as he is to irony, is that people are pretty much automatically allowed to ignore pronunciamentos on sexual morality issued by people who have themselves committed gross violations of morality, sexual and otherwise. Even if they did confess and repent of them once they were exposed in the press and the statute of limitations had elapsed.
That’s what I’m getting as the main rub that folks have with the Duggars and their Christian values they’ve extrapolated on our crappy culture. Am I right?
Not usually.
But the label the Left is attempting to placard the Duggars with, i.e. “hypocrisy” doesn’t fit him/them in this case as far as the biblical definition of the word goes. Hypocrisy, according to Jesus, Joseph and Mary, is condemning in others what you’re currently practicing or have practiced in the past and have yet to repent of.
You have a point. Josh Duggar has never, so far as I know, gone on a public crusade against heterosexual incest and molestation, but only accused homosexuals of doing such things, and as long as he's not secretly having buttsecks with his brothers and concealing that too, we should totally pay heed to his moral insights.
It is not hypocritical for repentant sinners to point out what the Scripture states is bad behavior. Duh.  If that were true there would be no biblical instructions, as it was written, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, by a bunch of saints who had sinful San Andreas sized faults.
Josh Duggar, Patron Saint of Inappropriate Gropers.