Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Devo Madonna

Ladies -- we need to talk.  Now, I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't care, and you know I've always loved your work as a sex, but I'm afraid this whole "Woman" thing is just over.  The novelty has worn off.  We've hit Peak Vagina, and it's all downhill from here.  Even American Thinker Jim Mahoney thinks so, and he's always been your biggest booster:
The Descent of Woman
For over fifteen centuries in the world touched by Western civilization, Christ's mother embodied the feminine ideal. During this time, the Virgin Mary's dignity extended to all women.
She inspired the arts and literature. Most importantly, she inspired mothers who in turn inspired their children to honor and respect femininity. The age of chivalry was a product of the veneration of women who modeled themselves on the Mother of God.
C'mon, don't cry.  Look, you had a great run!  For fifteen hundred years you pulled off a very plausible impersonation of a Virgin, despite the near constant pregnancies, but sooner or later the rubes were bound to catch on that you were having sex behind their backs.  Even Michelle Duggar's kids have begun to suspect.
Such women behaved and dressed modestly. Not only did their modesty conceal their physical charm, it also masked whatever blemishes nature may have imparted.

Floor-length gowns were useful in concealing rickets, while wimples helped a woman de-emphasize her pinhead and male pattern baldness.
Most of all, free of physical distraction men attuned to the spirit appreciated the vastly more important and enduring qualities of their women. They understood true beauty: the beauty of the soul.
This perhaps explains the fashion among women of the Late Middle Ages and early Renaissance periods for cosmetic soul augmentation surgery.
Contrary to current mythology, there were plenty of strong women throughout those centuries.
That's the thing about feminists that bugs me the most -- their tiresome insistence that woman played no significant part in history.
However, they were invariably feminine women, who, like their model, derived their power from their feminine identity.
Doesn't her power actually stem from the claim she was impregnated by the Supreme Being? I'm not sure how practical a model that is for most young women, although claiming your boyfriend is God would probably stop the cheerleaders from throwing Slushies at you in the hall.
Mary's influence began to fade in the 16th century.
Her last album tanked.
Eventually in much of the West, she came to be regarded as just another woman.  All women were depreciated in proportion to her waning influence.
Men of the time were often heard to exclaim in surprise and disappointment: "Hey, how can you be a holy virgin when you're dying of the plague like everybody else? And besides, didn't we have sex last night?...Oh crap."
Today, after another 500 years, femininity is all but extinct, a casualty of an insane frenzy to convince women they are equal to men.  Of all the revolutionary zealots determined to expunge femininity, none yet seems to have discovered what women are supposed to be other than morphologically non-conforming men.
There are different theories, but most zealots feel that women are supposed to be xenarthrans, since that's a largely vacant genetic and environmental niche, and -- to paraphrase Herman Mankiewicz -- their only competition are idiots and armadillos.

Cute, pink, "fairy armadillos," who dress modestly beneath the crusty, bone-like carapace.
If there were an enemy bent on destroying all humanity, he would find no better place to start than by destroying femininity.  Despite social pressures to the contrary, women will probably always form the next generation.
Although, since femininity was killed off, women tend to form new generations from Plastigoop, using the Thingmaker.

"Liberating" young girls from a model of purity and docility to God and supplanting it with a burden of guilt, shame, and rage would breed mothers who would inevitably infuse their children with resentments and hostilities thereby creating a self-propagating blight sure to infect future generations.
Strangely, my mother accomplished all that while still wearing an A-line dress, open-toed pumps and a wiglet.

31 comments:

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

Well, there you have the essential dilemma of the modern American Right (and no, I don't mean chronic datelessness): it can dissolve Evil Empires, repeal the Reformation, even change History Herself with 1000 words (footnotes included), but it can't return us to the Fifties. Not, though you might imagine it, because it's been stymied by Time's one-directional Arrow, but because it can't make up its mind between the 1950s, the 1850s, and the 1450s.

77south said...

So, who 'wrote' the work which you quoted? I need a direction before I can hurl the invective and mockery it so richly deserves.

77south said...

Ok, I found the link to Jim Mahoney at the 'American Thinker'. I give it a C- at best. He claims that by abandoning the godly role of virgin mothering, women pick up a huge burden of guilt? If they decide their life is worth more than just popping out babies, how precisely is that supposed to make them feel guilty? People feel guilty when they decide they themselves have done something wrong, not when tedious weirdos say they have done something wrong.
Has this guy ever once listened to a voice that wasn't coming from inside his own skull?

Anonymous said...

Full-body burkas ftw!!!

histrogeek said...

Wow, so it was Martin Luther who started feminism? Damn that man, is there no end to his perfidy?

heydave said...

Every time I run across a stream of drivel (or as the Swankster would say: drivel stream) from one of the AT columnists, I get more and more convinced that Thinker is pronounced Thaenka or something with a folksy tone.

D. Sidhe said...

Yeah, I gotta say, I've long been assuming that "Thinker" is just a phonetic representation of a couple of syllables in an obscure dialect that mean "rotting clam", which only coincidentally happen to resemble the word we use for "someone who thinks". It's the only thing that makes sense, really.

I have a similar theory about "Reason".

D. Sidhe said...

My verification word was "galat". So close! I believe this proves my point about the human brain trying to tease recognizable words out of objectively random collections of letters.

Cousin Weasley said...

Is that an armadillo? Seriously what is that?

Scott said...

Red-Headed Relative: It's a Pink Fairy Armadillo. Cute, isn't it? Or possibly it's an armadillo ex-cop who's been wrongly accused of a crime and is trying to clear his name by becoming a superhero with a pink bony cape.

StringonaStick said...

Mahoney: "Come on ladies, you'll love being returned to the same legal status as a horse or kitchen table!"

Jay B. said...

If you could bottle this column, it would be called "Sex Repellent"

Cousin Weasley said...

But Pink Fairy Armadillo is my favorite band from Portland?!

Anonymous said...

Shorter

"Mary, Mary Why you Buggin?"

trashfire said...

Xenarthrans are actually cool - check out this link.
http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix4/xenarthranstos.htm
Anyway, who told Mahoney what BVM actually wore? A descendant of the clown who decided Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. One of those nice folks who think that a feminine veneer of "purity and docility to God" wasn't designed to cover up "a burden of guilt, shame, and rage."
The same mindset that freaks over a portrait of BVM covered in elephant dung, when the preconceived notions they cover her with are far nastier.

D. Sidhe said...

Oddly enough, I was engaged in a discussion on IRC of Xenarthrids (my preferred term, suck it, modernizers!) just a couple of days ago. We were pondering pink fairy armadillos specifically, as well as glyptodonts. You appear to have lucked into a nest of freakjoint lovers, Scott.

My best Xenarthrid story: I own a candle in the shape of an armadillo with a glossy shellac coating that is the exact color of a flaccid Caucasian penis. It reminds me of Dr Mike.

Scott said...

My best Xenarthrid story: I own a candle in the shape of an armadillo with a glossy shellac coating that is the exact color of a flaccid Caucasian penis. It reminds me of Dr Mike.

That just completely turned around a horrible, no good, crappy day. Thanks, D.

D. Sidhe said...

I am most honored to be able to return the favor, Scott.

maryclev said...

However, they were invariably feminine women, who, like their model, derived their power from their feminine identity.

I seem to recall that Joan of Arc wasn't very feminine, what with the suit of armor and all, and the Catholic Church STILL holds her in high regard, so I don't know what this guys problem is...

WV: umesork: It's what they call sushi on Ork.

KWillow said...

...Christ's mother embodied the feminine ideal. During this time, the Virgin Mary's dignity extended to all women...

So long as they gave birth to SONS.

...She inspired the arts and literature..

Actually, the models for paintings and statues of Virgin Mary were usually the mistresses of the Artist, or local women of Ill Repute. Respectable Women didn't "pose" for artists.

The age of chivalry was a product of the veneration of women who modeled themselves on the Mother of God.

Chivalry & Unconsummated Love were efforts to keep Wives & Daughters "chaste" while their men were off Looting the Holy Land.

Contrary to current mythology, there were plenty of strong women throughout those centuries.

Yes, they were called "Witches", and tortured and burned to death, their property grabbed by the Mother-Lovin' Church.

However, they were invariably feminine women, who, like their model, derived their power from their feminine identity.

... by having a baby every 10 months (which usually died before age 5) and then dying themselves in childbirth long before they reached 30.

Chris Vosburg said...

D Sidhe writes: Yeah, I gotta say, I've long been assuming that "Thinker" is just a phonetic representation of a couple of syllables in an obscure dialect that mean "rotting clam",

Good guess, D, but I've been sorrowfully trying to laugh at the blog's inclusion of the word "thinker" to allege what they are up to (we're thinking really hard, honest), but my heart's not in it. It's just so sad.

It comes down to this: I believe the Scarecrow's complaint in The Wizard of Oz went something like this:

I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry,
If I only had a brain.


And that's our friend Jim Mahoney, like all writers at The American Thinker:

Head all fulla stuffin, heart all fulla pain.

Chris Vosburg said...

By the way, Scott, you just get better each time you write here. Great piece- I laughed, I cried, I pissed.*

*ref: MST3K: The She Creature, but you knew that.

Scott said...

Thanks, Chris. And thanks for the suggestion -- I needed something to lull me off to sleep tonight, and I think the lovable, huggable Carlo Lombardi is just the thing.

Mentis Fugit said...

My best Xenarthrid story: I own a candle in the shape of an armadillo with a glossy shellac coating that is the exact color of a flaccid Caucasian penis. It reminds me of Dr Mike.

Uncircumsized, I presume, what with Dr Mike being a complete dick.

It's spelled "Thtinker" by the way - to be read in the manner of Sylvester the cat.

Bill S said...

Wasn't "The Descent of Woman" a movie starring Al Pacino?

Chris Vosburg said...

Scott writes: I think the lovable, huggable Carlo Lombardi is just the thing.

"Let a smile be your calling card!"

trashfire said...

Hey KWillow: Good point about the witches. Modern-day Halloween hucksters depict witches as old hags riding brooms because most women of that era were too busy with domestic duties to study the Craft in earnest until their kids were grown, and then they hid their magickal tools (such as wands) by disguising them as ordinary household items (such as brooms.) Not exactly an image of femininity that Mahoney might embrace, much less jerk off to, nor one you'd find in a Rembrandt or a church stained-glass window.
So what I'm really asking, KWillow, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

D. Sidhe said...

I dunno about KWillow, but I'm just a witch. Tired, weak, generally well intentioned by my own lights, human. Good or bad probably depends on how bad someone is pissing me off at any given moment and how much my conscience is itching.

With few exceptions, I'd say it's probably the same for most people, religion entirely aside.

Tehanu said...

Mahoney: an insane frenzy to convince women they are equal to men ...

...when women are so obviously not equal to men. </idiot.

These jerks simply don't see how they undercut their own assertions every time they open their big stupid mouths and shove their smelly feet in. I guess we should be grateful they're idiots.

Chris Vosburg said...

But tonight we gonna party like it's 1499! Take off them shoes an' git in the kitchen and make me a sammich! Wooo Hooo!

Seriously, not equal, and that's a relief, because sex wouldn't be nearly as much fun-- for me, anyway-- without the differences.

Also, an anecdote: I passed a pulled-over police cruiser with male and female officers on the sidewalk, the male officer writing up a citation in classic one-foot-on-the-bumper form-- for an unattended dumpster at the curb. In Puckish good humor, I called out so, how fast was it going? and the female cop laughed while the male cop angrily said what's that supposed to mean?

Anonymous said...

Does ANYONE understand what this idiot is ranting about?