Sunday, January 23, 2011

A Whiter Shade of...White

As "licensed psychotherapist" Robin of Berkeley has repeatedly demonstrated, she can spot mental illness from three thousand miles away, so long as the patient is a Black man in the White House, because then the diagnosis pretty much writes itself: he took a lot of drugs, or was dropped on his head.
Is there something wrong with [Obama's] brain? ... Did Obama ever have a head injury? His stepfather in Indonesia was purportedly an alcoholic abuser. Was Obama subject to any physical abuse?
Obama admits to a history of drug use in his youth. Did his usage cause some damage? Does Obama still use?
But with the White race, a psychological evaluation is trickier, because seemingly insane behavior ("white males donning low-rider jeans, blasting hip-hop music, and speaking in street jive") is often a purely physiological response to danger, an attempt, much like the chameleon's, to evade predators by blending in with the dominant minority culture.  For Caucasians, the Fight or Flight instinct has been replaced by remorse for slavery and an urge to sport bling, a condition evolutionary biologists refer to as the Guilt or Gilt reflex.

Fortunately, Robin appears to have cured humanity (or at least the pale part of it) of this crippling condition:

This is certainly good news, since white guilt has long been our our most pressing racial problem, and the one thing preventing us from making real social progress in this country.  I have a feeling that once we've finished this article, RightNetwork won't even need that "race relations" tag anymore, and can retire it, or use it exclusively for their new line of NASCAR driver slash fiction.
There’s only one TV show that I can stomach these days -- ABC’S The Middle. In contrast to most of the trash out there, this series is about an intact, church-going, American family.
So it's slightly less realistic than that other ABC show about the family that gets super powers.
On one particular show, the salt-of-the-earth dad, Mike, begrudgingly goes on a job interview. The young, perky interviewer asks, “If you were a color, what color would you be?” 
Offended, Mike shoots back, “I’m happy with the color I am! Are you even allowed to ask that question?”
Now, to me, that’s laugh-out-loud funny, and the fact that the quip is so politically incorrect makes it even funnier. 
Wait -- I thought portraying sitcom husbands as incompetent dimwits was politically correct
What Mike says is truly daring for a white guy--boldly stating that he likes the color of his skin. Because these days, there’s a ubiquitous message that there is something wrong with being Caucasian.
Which is why fashion magazines have been digitally blanching the skin of non-caucasian models -- so we don't feel so alone.  
This anti-white bias is all over the place, such as commercials wherein the white guy is always the buffoon.
Whereas back in the 1960s, our purchasing power was respected, and our race was depicted with a quiet dignity.  In fact, advertisers would often add a second layer of whiteness just to make us seem that much more dignified.
Children learn in elementary school to associate Caucasians, especially Americans and Israelis, with genocide and oppression. It’s no wonder so many liberals are stricken with a severe case of white guilt.
I blame the anti-vaxers.
Now, if you’re fortunate enough to live in a Red State, perhaps the anti-white vibe isn’t as intense.
Yeah, it sounds like a wonderland.  Remind me again why you aren't Robin of Muncie?
But in my neck of the woods, whites feel bad about taking up space on the planet (which partly explains liberals' environmental fanaticism).
I replaced my incandescent light bulbs because I'm tormented by Wounded Knee.
Consequently, people will go to extreme lengths to shed the Scarlet “C” (Caucasian) Letter.
But Robin wears the Scarlet "C" proudly.  I wonder how long that'll last once she figures out it doesn't stand for (Caucasian).

Oh well, I've got my own problems.  I managed to shed the Scarlet "C", but I'm still working on the Acid-Washed "C" (Cracker), and haven't even started shedding the Madras Plaid "H" (Honky).
Some desperate whites will even masquerade as persons of color.
Patient presenting symptoms of tertiary White Guilt.

But victims of this pandemic don't suffer only from ennui and burnt cork.  Many report suicidal thoughts, which they frequently attempt to act upon by living within easy walking distance of a Supercuts and a gourmet pupuseria.
Many of the denizens of liberal cities will martyr themselves to escape the stigma of their whiteness. Citizens will endure astronomical crime rates that would never be tolerated in conservative areas.
Conservative areas limit themselves to victimless crimes, like drunk driving and meth-cooking.
Almost everyone I know, including yours truly, has been a victim of a crime--
Such as drivers "playing with her mind" or bicyclists exceeding the speed of light.
...whether a mugging, a car theft, or worse. Yet there’s barely a whimper from the long-suffering populace.
That's because if you scream, you might crack your shoe polish, and people will realize you're white.  And then good luck getting any respect from the police.
What gets to me is the constant self-deprecation. Whites practically bow their heads in shame when talking about anything related to race. The refrain is: “What do I know; I’m only a white person,” or “I’d like to reach out to my black neighbor--his wife just died. But how would I know what a person of color is feeling?”
Before approaching a grieving person of color, first attempt to establish communication by playing a five-tone musical phrase in a major scale (if you have black neighbors it's a good idea to always keep a synthesizer on hand in case one of them dies).  After they repeat the phrase, demonstrate the Curwen tone gestures, and if they respond, send them a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet™.
Liberals may think they’re being compassionate by anointing others with special status. But in reality, their attitude is racist. Seeing another as different--whether inferior of superior--is racist. While conservatives tend to be color-blind, liberals focus, laser-like, on race.
I wasn't going to go through with the Lasik treatment until the doctor told me it would improve my racism.
Liberalism divides people into racial groups--some being the victims, and others, the oppressors.
So as you can imagine, Sadie Hawkins Day comes as a big relief to everybody.
It’s no wonder white people internalize this shame and contempt. But they have another choice, and that is this: seeing that prejudice is wrong, no matter who the target might be.
It's like the end of The Defiant Ones, when Tony Curtis' bigoted redneck convict finally realizes how wrong it is for Sidney Poitier to be prejudiced against him.

32 comments:

Emma said...

Before approaching a grieving person of color, first attempt to establish communication by playing a five-tone musical phrase in a major scale (if you have black neighbors it's a good idea to always keep a synthesizer on hand in case one of them dies). After they repeat the phrase, demonstrate the Curwen tone gestures, and if they respond, send them a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet™.
This is the funniest thing I have ever read online.

I think this lady is actually really crazy? Or she's a really awesome plant. Either way, I kind of hope she's lying about being a therapist.

I sort of wish these people had had better parents, too. "All people are equal, but we aren't all the same," right? I think I got that one in the second grade :[

Or some more Sesame Street, maybe. That could help.

Rugosa said...

It never occurs to Robin that, just maybe, Caucasians have a few things to feel racially guilty about - like slavery and Jim Crow, and let's throw in exterminating the Native Americans while we're at it. Those peculiar social constructs were not the result of white peoples' "color blindness," au contraire, they were predicated on belief in racial superiority. We screwed up peoples' lives for a few hundred years - shouldn't we feel just a teensy bit bad about that? And maybe do something to make up for it, like treat our black neighbors as human?

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

Remind me again why you aren't Robin of Muncie?

Muncie: Come for the Weekly Occurrence of Undergraduate Alcohol Poisoning, Stay for Double the National Average of Forcible Rape!™

I believe we've inquired earlier as to why Robin--who apparently is not associated with any institute of higher learning in Berkeley--nor any higher learning, period--and who is in possession of professional credentials, however suspect, doesn't just pack up and escape Maoist California altogether. And I believe the best explanation had something to do with "terms of probation".

Then again, someone who writes an entire column explaining white guilt as a function of grade school brainwashing and protective coloration in high-crime "blue" areas, then explains that these people are the real racists, would find real relief only at the bottom of one of our deeper mine shafts.

D. Sidhe said...

You know who else likes to hold White Pride parades?



(Yeah, I went there. Hey, Robin claims she *likes* politically incorrect.)

Bill S said...

"I'd like to reach out to my black neighbor-his wife just died. But how would I know what a person of color is feeling?"
SERIOUSLY?
THAT'S a "refrain" she hears from white liberals? What kind of freaky parrellel universe is she living in? Of course, it's possible that she just doesn't know what the word "refrain" means.
In any case, I can't imagine anyone who's sincerely liberal ever saying something that stupid.
I've been a white guy my entire life, and I don't recall ever having the kind of identity hangups she describes.

heydave said...

I was so ready:
scathing comments for Robin.
But now I'm speechless.

Jim Donahue said...

Yeah, the comments there are amazing.

When I first read Robin's article, I thought RightNetwork would surely pull it down after it got some scathing notice. Then I read the comments, which are about 95% positive. And then I noticed the stupid thing has been up for three weeks.

Would love to hear Kelsey Grammer, RN's backer, to comment.

Chris Vosburg said...

As I pointed out to Robin in a swiftly deleted comment, the fella in the TV show wasn't asked what color he'd like his skin to be.

The question was a hypothetical akin to the goofy Barbara Walters "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you like to be?", and I don't recall anybody dumb enough to angrily answer Baba Wawa with "wait, are you saying I'm a tree?"

I'm assuming TV dolt Mike didn't get the job, and I'll tell you something else: Robin of Berkeley will never, ever hang out her own shingle. She's already slammed hard into the Peter Principle level of incompetence ceiling, and could not possibly earn a living with her own psychotherapy practice. I'm convinced, based on her blithe ignorance of even the simplest concepts of human behavior, that she is buried within the health services of UC Berkeley, which hired her on after educating her, and has never actually ventured into the real world outside the academia she so clearly despises.

It's an irresistably perfect fit, see what I mean? It's all there: you are what you most despise, Robin!

Anonymous said...

In contrast to most of the trash out there, this series is about an intact, church-going, American family.

Um, yeah. It's also an over-the-top parody of all of the above.

scripto said...

While conservatives tend to be color-blind, liberals focus, laser-like, on race.

At first I thought Robin didn't know any liberals. Now I'm thinking she probably doesn't have much contact with any other humans, liberal or conservative. She's the psychic surgeon of psychotherapy.

But I do feel better about my pasty white skin. Thanks, Robin.

KWillow said...

"I'd like to reach out to my black neighbor-his wife just died. But how would I know what a person of color is feeling?"

That comment, if real, came from a white racist, not a liberal who would assume the Black Widower felt pretty much the same as any man whose wife just died. Jeez.

KWillow said...

"Black Widower" was not intentional.

Bill the Splut said...

"I'd like to reach out to my black neighbor-his wife just died. But how would I know what a person of color is feeling?"

A coworker came in late recently, his hand bandaged. "What happened?" I asked.
"My dog bit me. I picked him up after he was hit by car."
"Oh my god! Is he okay?!"
"He's dead."
"OH GOD, I'm so sorry!"
"..."

Like me, several of my coworkers are pet lovers, and we were all more upset than he was. But we all know that he's a guy who keeps his emotions inside.

But now I know better! He's also a "colored"! Who KNOWS what those inhuman creatures think! They must be all dead inside from their crimes and collard greens. Maybe he didn't have a 40 to pour out into the street, before settling into a nice evening of crack smoking. He's only in his 60s.

Okay, so one of those upset coworkers is black. Who knows why she was upset over a dead pet! Them people is like the Sphinx, so inexplicable. I'd better not talk to them. They're all unfeeling robots anyway.

D. Sidhe said...

She's the psychic surgeon of psychotherapy.

Teach me to love, you squishy poet from beyond the stars!

KWillow said...

Well, blast my ass! (as my dear departed Dad used to say). I was writing here that Robin O'Berkeley was probably a plagiarist, but when I spell-checked "plagiarist" my computer "returned" me to a map of local zip-codes. Weird.

What I was saying is her "columns" bring out that déjà vu feeling in me, so I was speculating about whether she's a computer-generated-wingnut, or what. Another thing I strongly suspect is she's related to Megan ArgleBargle.

Bill S said...

Apologies for nit-picking, but Barbara Walters never asked that question. In an interview with Katherine Hepburn, Kate declared, "I'm a tree"(meaning LIKE a tree, one assumes), to which Waleters shot back, "What kind of tree?"

Bob Hopeless said...

WARNING: If this person is your psychotherapist, seek emergency psychological care immediately!

Oh, what do I know, I'm only a white person. (A sentence that has been uttered by exactly no white person ever.)

Green Eagle said...

I just want to make it clear that if I could be another color, it would be Pelham Blue, like a 1962 es-335.

Chris Vosburg said...

Thanks, Bill, I'd never seen the Hepburn interview, and was actually thinking of the Police Squad riff on it.

Woodrowfan said...

THAT'S a "refrain" she hears from white liberals?

More likely that's what she hears from the voices in her head...

Woodrowfan said...

I replaced my incandescent light bulbs because I'm tormented by Wounded Knee.

I know what you mean. I bought a hybrid car to make up for the Dawes Act, and just thinking of King Philip's War makes me want to turn my thermostat down to 67...

The Minx said...

I have now reached my tipping point of Robin of Berkeley; but now, thank you so much KWillow, I have a great new phrase to sprinkle into daily conversations: "Well, blast my ass!" Fabulous! And a Thank You to the dearly departed Dad of KWillow, he sounds to me to be a gentleman and a truly fun dude.

PLEASE! I BEG YOU! Give freaky Robin the freaked out therapist a long, long rest. How about a visit with the W o' C Spiritual Advisor and penny-pinching genius Pastor Swank? Or even, do I even dare to bring him up, Non-Full Perfesser Dr. Mike Ph.D.?
Well smack my ass!
The Minx

D. Sidhe said...

My partner cited the Tragedy of the Commons when buying a hybrid. I vaguely think that might be relevant here, but I've been guzzling TheraFlu for a week now.

What were we talking about again?

KWillow said...

I've had back spasms for a week now, and I broke down yesterday & took 10 mg vicodin, 800 mg Ibuprofin and a muscle relaxant. Thus the "Blast My Ass!" comment and the confusing browser behavior that generated it. My Dad really did say that, though. It was meant to express Amazed and Amused Indignation.

Scott said...

K: Very sorry to hear about your back. I hope you're feeling better (and I would like thank Vicodin for sponsoring "Blast My Ass!" Days here at WO'C).

TBP said...

I can think of a couple of times in my life when being a white male actually worked against me when I was job seeking, but overall the deck has always been stacked much more in my favor than otherwise, in ways both obvious and subtle. So, while those couple of times were certainly annoying, and maybe even unjust, I can't honestly say that my career was held back in the long run. And to say that I've been oppressed in any way is just ludicrous.

KWillow said...

Back is much better, thanks. That one High dose of meds -and an ice pack- took the "edge" off the pain and it never came back, whew! Only a lingering bruised feeling, and some embarrassment at silly comments made here and there while under the influence.

I had a boss, back in the late 90's, who complained bitterly because his boss wanted him to hire a black engineer. I asked "is the guy unqualified?" "Oh no," my boss said, "His qualifications are superb, he graduated with honors from Stanford and MIT..."

Larkspur said...

Life is weird. There are two Westies I've known - and walked, several times a week - since their puppyhood (they are nearly four now) and today Westie Boy bit me. It broke the skin, but is otherwise not remarkable, but I was all, "Dude, you bit me! How weird is that?"

And I just don't know how to deal with this. I cannot figure out a way to construct a belief system that would support this reality. I mean, lookit: I am white (well, pinkish erasor-colored). The Westies are white (genuinely). Why on earth would he bite me? Is he a liberal? Am I a liberal? See what I mean? I am undone.

Chris Vosburg said...

I for one, Lark, wouldn't presume to know what a person of fur was thinking.

Anonymous said...

Louis CK had something to say about being white

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG4f9zR5yzY

Doctorb said...

Okay, so one time about ten years ago I was in Berkeley, maybe a couple blocks away from Cal, and there was this tall black guy angrily ranting to nobody in particular about white people. And he looked at me and said something like "there's one of the blue-eyed devils right there" and I responded in a growly film devil voice "WHO TOLD YOU THAT" but the point is, I took this exchange to mean that he was, just maybe, an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic, because he had that whole "crazy guy" thing going on. What I did not take it to mean was that society (even in Berkeley) hated white people SO MUCH. I'm not sure why this is.

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed your omments. Quite funny. JohnEboy