Friday, February 4, 2011

The Cult of Sarah Palin



Yeah, per the wingnuts, not only was Sarah born free of the stain of original sin, but all of her children (Bristol, Nascar, Holiday Inn, Exxon, and Trigonometry) were virgin births. At least, that seems to be the underlying message of many of their columns.

Take, for instance, this Renew America column by Pastor Swank wannabe Reverend Michael Bresciani: 7 reasons America needs Sarah Palin in 2012

Michael starts his column by explaining why many of the other probably Republican presidential nominees are out of the running (too obscure, too fat, too Mormon). He then claims that most Americans are too busy and too stupid to ascertain the best person for the job anyway. So, we should just let Michael pick the candidate for us, and he picks Sarah! And here's why:
1. The simplest howbeit most important reason Sarah Palin is the best choice for President in 2012 is because she is not Barack Obama.
Then again, neither is Lindsay Lohan, so maybe we should be considering her for the job.
2. The second reason is because she has the most exposure of all the candidates.
Except for Lindsay Lohan, of course.
While Obama may attempt to raise a billion bucks for his campaign treasury Sarah has been climbing into the view and the hearts of millions of Americans
So, that's what that was! I thought it was fatty arterial plaque.
... though her work with the Tea Party, the mid-terms and her TV series on Alaska not to mention her two books, both well received throughout the nation.
"Well-received" = "Shipped to book stores throughout America, remaindered, chopped into mulch, and then enjoyed by slugs and earthworms everywhere."
3. Although it could easily be misconstrued on the most fundamental level Sarah will make a good candidate on her appearance.
Yes, while this may be misconstrued by those who think it's superficial to vote for a candidate based on appearance, these people are probably also against the plan to let each year's Miss America serve as Secretary of Defense.
She is a lovely person that for many typifies the classic beauty of the American Woman. In a world where appearance counts for much she has it all.
Ears, hair, skin, glasses, breasts: she has it all!
She is beautiful, well poised and dignified at all times. She would be a credit to the nation in the company of other world leaders
They would certainly let her into the World Leaders Club if she could only wow them with her talent number and win the swimsuit competition.
...and would certainly be respected for her manner, graceful charm and personality.
As long as she kept her mouth shut.
4. Sarah has faith in God. It would make some people more comfortable if this fact appeared at the end of the list or as an appendage to this piece but we must never forget that Christians still make up a majority of people here in the U.S.
And although most of the other people in the US believe in God, they don't believe in the RIGHT God or gods, so their votes shouldn't count.
The apostasy and the creeping liberal influences of the day notwithstanding, two out of three people say they have faith in God and his Son Jesus Christ.
And so, by extension, they have faith in Sarah Palin, who has taken over the role as the Holy Ghost.
5. Sarah Palin is well endowed
See Reason #3
... with what we know as character and integrity.
Which is why she quit her job as Governor once it got hard.
It is that stuff that Americans used to be satisfied with in our leaders even if they weren't the sharpest tool in the shed.
Yeah! Stupid people used to be good enough to lead us! It's only in our effete, liberal era that we want our President to be able to read and such.
Anyone with a nickels worth of intelligence knows that our Presidents don't run the office alone. The cabinet and staff are a major part of any single President's success. Palin can be trusted to surround herself with the very best and that is the best we can hope for.
So she will undoubtedly find her own Dick Cheney to run the office for her. Hey, the old Dick Cheney will probably be available in 2012, as long as nobody cares about the lack of heart beats and respiration!

But the bottom line is that while Sarah is not that smart, neither are many Americans. Don't they deserve a President of their peers?
6. Sarah's background and upbringing in one of the most rugged states in the country
A state where one can see Russia out of one's bathroom window, which automatically qualifies one as a foriegn affairs expert and at least a vice presidential candidate.
... along with her desire to make America less dependent on foreign oil will no doubt serve to guide her decisions around the environmental lobbyists, excessive EPA regulations and do what is right for the nation.
"Do right" = "Do away with all EPA regulations, gut Alaska for its oil reserves, and introduce Soylent Green as a alternative fuel source."
7. The seventh reason I believe Sarah would be the best choice in 2012 is because she is affording America a real chance to make history. She would become our first female President.
Again, may I propose Lindsay Lohan for the GOP 2012 ballot?
Obama made history as our first black President; unfortunately he is not a homeboy. He is not one of our very own up thru the ghetto or emerging from the civil rights movement kind of African American.
And if someone isn't born in a ghetto or wasn't part of the '60's civil rights movement, then they can't claim to be an African American, even if their father was African and they are American. But wait . . .
In fact a large contingent of Americans are still not satisfied that he was even born in America.
Next time we will examine Michael's column of today, in which he objects to us calling this contingent "crazy."
Sarah has been a wonderful mother,
Sure, daughter Bristol is a high school dropout and an unemployed, unwed mother, but it was through Sarah's example that Bristol found fulfillment through appearing on reality TV.
a good Governor
except for the scandal and corruption. Oh, and the part where she quit midterm.
and a great rallying force in America
Everybody loved those Tina Fey sketches!
since she was cast on the scene by John McCain in the 2008 race.
Sadly, she wasn't that great of a rallying force for John McCain, but since he only qualified for one of Michael's seven points, it's no wonder that he lost.
She can be the very best choice in 2012 for all of the above reasons and a long list of others too numerous to cover in one article.
Such as:

8. She could lead the nation in shooting the undead from a helicopter in the event of a zombie holocaust.

9. She won't waste a lot of time reading newspapers, so she'll have more time to send tweets to other heads of state.

10. She can give us all rides to the store in her snowmobile during the next big winter snow storm.

And many more.

Scott adds (after helpful editorial input from trashfire):

19 comments:

Brian Schlosser said...

11. Her election will immediately result in the creation of 11,600 new late night talk show writer jobs.

Also: "Sarah Palin is well endowed with what we know as character and integrity."

To quote a wise man, "Just because you ARE a character, does not mean you HAVE character..."

Li'l Innocent said...

This reads like the author was concentrating very hard, writing slowly and laboriously with a No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil in his black-speckled cardboard-covered Compositions book, his feet hooked tightly round the legs of his chair, and his tongue-tip sticking out at the corner of his mouth. You can almost smell the chalk dust and the indefinable perfume of 9-year-old ignorance.

Murfyn said...

claims that most Americans are too busy and too stupid to ascertain the best person for the job anyway.
He's got a point there. Reagan got elected twice, and Dubya got, although not a majority of the votes, a lot of votes. Twice.
let each year's Miss America serve as Secretary of Defense.
Again, not a completely bad idea. No way would Rumsfeld have gotten close to the job.

Snarki, child of Loki said...

let each year's Miss America serve as Secretary of Defense.

"Again, not a completely bad idea. No way would Rumsfeld have gotten close to the job."

...until bunches of other countries start picking fights with us, that they insist will "go nuclear" unless it's settled by an oil-wrestling match with our SecDef.

Dibs on the PPV concession.

ckc (not kc) said...

It is that stuff that Americans used to be satisfied with in our leaders even if they weren't the sharpest tool in the shed.

Ron, is that you?

KWillow said...

He doesn't mention the "First Dude" who apparently ran things in Alaska while Sarah looked pretty. Do we really want Todd Palin running the country?

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

Speaking of #2 pencils, I gotta say how much I enjoyed watching Pastor Bresciani navigate the treacherous shoals of La Palin's fitness for office, any office ("She's exposed!" "She's female!"), in his best, I'm sure, correspondence-bible-school-degree style. It was like watching some not-too-bright eight-year-old struggle to finish his fast-food placemat labyrinth, try to erase the puzzle, then announce "Lookit, I drawed a straight line!"

D. Sidhe said...

What kills me about Sarah Palin's cult of personality is that she doesn't even have a personality. She's a caricature cobbled together out of folksy tics and lazy sociopathy wrapped in a stewardess skirt and fuckme heels.

SeattleDan said...

Well, I'm sold! Lindsay Lohan for President in '12!

Scott said...

Okay, from now on I'm referring to Palin's followers as the Cult of Caricature.

Lentenlands said...

So Sarah talks some political rah-rah, okay. But in the end she will do whatever Rothschild tells Rockefeller to tell Kissinger to tell her to do.

I think its time for us as Americans to wake up to the fact that these candidates are manufactured and controlled by the international globalists. Look at that dunce Jimmy Carter, he was manufactured over a period of a few months once Rockefeller gave him the nod. When it comes to presidential candidates, the American People NEVER get what they pay or vote for.

She won’t say one word about the Federal Reserve because she’s already on the payroll of the destroyers of America. She’s just another new world order stooge that will never address the real problems of bloated government and debt slavery to international bankers aka the Rothschilds.

C’mon People.

http://www.smashabanana.blogspot.com

D. Sidhe said...

Sarah Palin won't say one word about the Federal Reserve because she still thinks it's a place where the nanny state says you can't shoot the moose.

I admire your anti-Kissenger position, but dude, I'm a fucking unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic, and I just want to say that you're giving whackjobs a bad name, with the rest of the shadow-government pox-on-both-your-houses crap. Crime may be organized but government? Not so much. Lay off the Protocols of the Illuminati of Banking shit and try something more plausible and socially acceptable like, you know, Bushy Knoll or the Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow, okay?

Also, it's "Wake up, people!"

JC said...

""let each year's Miss America serve as Secretary of Defense."
Again, not a completely bad idea. No way would Rumsfeld have gotten close to the job."


Not after he did that photoshoot for Penthouse. That's one centerfold I will not forget in a hurry.

Anonymous said...

Lentenlands is so right! Yeah, come on! Let's blame the JEWS!
Fuck you.
Israel has a lot to answer for, but your weird obsession isn't good.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

8. She could lead the nation in shooting the undead from a helicopter in the event of a zombie holocaust.

given the way she holds a gun, we're not very worried.

preznit said...

and then enjoyed by slugs and earthworms everywhere."


at some point Regnery will realise it's much less expensive to outsource the printing to Angel Soft, Quilted Northern or
Soft 'n Gentle (all divisions of Koch Industries) and double their "sales" (assuming it's printed on 2-ply)

trashfire said...

If you reverse the order of the names on the bumper sticker and make it available through cafepress.com, I and millions of others will buy it and solve your blog's financial woes.

And now for a nice musical interlude: Go to http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/mp3s/index.html
and check out the Stephen Hawking Song.

preznit said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89jt7zJzkNQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXhUjhicuz4

more Stephen Hawking fun

StringonaStick said...

"She is beautiful, well poised and dignified at all times."

Seriously, this dude has obviously never seen the goosed-by-a-moose photo at the top of this post.

I've got a Talibangelical, winger, gun nut sister and she goes with the same look when surprised; it's the go-to Stepford happy, fundy, Jeebus-is-that-you? expression.