Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Look on Me, Ye Mighty, and Despair

Poor Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D. He couldn't find any foes to tilt at this week (all of the usual feminists, hippies, gays, transgendered individuals, atheists, university employees, and other imaginary suspects were apparently too busy to play with him), so he's reduced to devoting a whole column to lambasting somebody who posted a negative comment about one of his Townhall pieces. Sad, really.
Dear Allison:

I read with great interest your recent comment on one of my columns, which was posted on TownHall.com. In the post, you claimed that I had experienced a “sychotic [sic] breakdown” shorty after receiving tenure, which, in your opinion, explains my tendency to lambast the academic left in my weekly column.

Of course, the gist of Dr. Mike's response is that Allison can't spell. The rest of it is about how he started hearing voices, which led to him becoming the misogynistic wretch we all know and love.

But the hissiest part of the fit was directed at Allison's lack of understanding about how greatly he is hated:
Finally, Allison, I noticed that you claimed that I am hated by hundreds, if not thousands, of people for the material I publish in my columns. You also predicted that my life would be cut short by one of my enemies – that I would meet an “untimely death” as a result of my columns. I have two problems with your ill-considered remarks.

First of all, I am hated by millions, not by mere hundreds or thousands. And I am damned proud of it. Second, I do not think it is wise for you to make veiled threats against my life given that I own more guns than the armies of several third world nations. I am not concerned about an “untimely death” unless, of course, I see Hillary Clinton without make-up and subsequently have a massive coronary. So I’ll keep making fun of liberals and the Muslim extremists that they coddle.

Sorry, Dr, Mike, but my guess is that you're hated by maybe a couple of dozen people (they would be those who know you personally. You annoy a few hundred more. And maybe a few hundred others find you amusing in a perverse kind of way. But you are totally unknown to millions. Yes, millions of people don't care if you live or die. So, do whichever one you want.

And I am also sorry to inform you that your guns will not help save you from the "untimely death" you might experience as a result of your columns -- for the odds are that you'll get yourself so worked up trying to annihilate some 15-year-old who said something rude about one of your column that you'll stroke out.

But hey, maybe you can challenge a couple of third world nations to a duel (so you can use that arsenal), and die with your boots on. It's good to have goals.

15 comments:

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Unless Dr. Mike is an octopus, he can only use one (or at most, two; but I wouldn't be too worried about a pistol fired with the dumb hand) of those many, many penis-substitute-weapons at once.

And then, like all the other fake tough guys using guns, he gets tackled while reloading, and an elderly woman will sit on his head.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...Adams. Mike Adams. Rings a bell. Was he on the original Jeopardy? No?

Oh wait. I've got it.

Is he still alive? Really! Why, I thought I heard that he died.

Something about "forgot to breathe" and "too few brain cells". But I guess there's still time for that.

Tim said...

If I may:
"'sychotic [sic] breakdown' shorty after receiving tenure" [emphasis mine]
Dr. Mike, people in glass houses ...

Bogie said...

And continuing with the sentence that Tim quoted: wasn't Dr. Mike denied tenure? He seems to think he received tenure in his Bizarro world.

Rugosa said...

He received tenure, but was denied a promotion to full professor. Sort of the academic version of admitting the first decision was a mistake.

Scott said...

Dr. Mike seems to think that if he were ever shot, it would not, say, come as the climax of a squalid, red-faced shouting match in a suburban parking lot over who was entitled to the space nearest the Krispy Kreme. Instead, he seems to envision some sort of Straw Dogs meets Invasion U.S.A. scenario, where an elite strike team of angry lesbians attempts to storm his fortified townhouse, and meets the withering reply of his entire gun collection.

Speaking of shooting yourself in the foot -- Dr. Mike's lost promotion was entirely self-infliced, when he insisted that the university treat his 6,000+ Townhall screeds as academic research. Thus, as we mentioned at the time, managing to both publish and perish at the same time.

KWillow said...

Given his opinion of "3rd World" nations, he shouldn't be so quick to compare himself to one. Not that a heavily-armed 3rd-world nation with only one resident, and that resident foaming-at-the-mouth-insane, would be much threat. Unless it had... nukes? Does Dr. Mike have a nuke? A real one, not an imaginary one in his trousers.

Anonymous said...

Hey, hey, I live in a Third World nation and I truly, deeply resent us being compared to Dr Mike.True, we have nutcases and true, more arms than we need but we have never, and I think I can speak without fear of contradiction here,written such awesomely stupid stuff as he.

Suezboo in SA

Jay B. said...

He didn't link to "Allison's" horrifying, hurtful note to give us, the readers, a chance to gaze at the utter hate. But he kicked the shit out of it anyway!

Second, I do not think it is wise for you to make veiled threats against my life given that I own more guns than the armies of several third world nations

And I reenact The Battle of Midway every night in the tub, so invade me by ship at your peril Ms. Veiled Threat!

Seriously, he must have the dick the size of a tack. He overcompensates so much and so obviously that a kinder person than me would have an intervention. But then, he'd probably shoot the pizza guy when he rang the bell.

David in NYC said...

@Tim --

Not to mention that he also manages to misspell, in the same sentence, "lambaste".

People who live in glass houses should get dressed in the basement.

Anonymous said...

Second, I do not think it is wise for you to make veiled threats against my life given that I own more guns than the armies of several third world nations

Costa Rica? San Marino? Liechtenstein? (oh, maybe not...those Liectensteiners are fierce even without an army) Monaco? Andorra? Palau? Kiribati?

Okay, more guns that those. And ALMOST as many IQ points as the total population of Absurdistan combined.

Brian said...

I struggle with the definition of "irony." Would it be ironic if Dr. Mike were killed by the avalanche of firearms that would result from his frantic struggle to grab one ("more guns than the armies of several third world nations") in defense of his person? How about if the weight of so much penis-substitute prevented him from turning around in time to respond to the "click" of a hammer being cocked behind him. And is "hammer being cocked" the most unintentionally gay thing I have ever written?

Li'l Innocent said...

I see Tim has anticipated me, but NeverMind.

What the sam hill is a [p]sychotic break shorty? Is it like a delusions-of-grandeur quicky?

Also, I must confess that Dr. Mike always makes me feel rather ill. I don't know if that counts as hatred. Probably not; hatred is a serious sort of emotion, not a shying-away as from something alarming found at the back of the refrigerator.

Fearguth said...

I'm still trying to figure out how Ozymandias and Percy Bysshe Shelley ended up cruising with Dr. Adams.

Bob Hopeless said...

"for the odds are that you'll get yourself so worked up trying to annihilate some 15-year-old who said something rude about one of your column that you'll stroke out."

Well, I'm not 15 but I just started an account with America's Shittiest Website in order to comment on the next tough guy screed Mr. Adams produces.