Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Not Valid in Case of Zodiac Shift

Back in October Sheri gave my first name and birth date to a psychic named Jenna (I think she's the Bush Twin without the Toni), in an effort, I assume, to help me accept -- or even welcome -- Death.  But  since then, Jenna and I have developed a very close relationship, even though I've never responded to any of her emails.  Instead, we've communicated entirely through "strong vibrations...amplified through energy waves," which are much less likely to get caught in the Google Mail spam filter.

Unfortunately, due to poor braincell coverage in my area we're getting a lot of dropped thoughts, and Jenna has been forced to rely upon the primitive telecommunications system employed by Muggles, mundanes, and Ukrainian porn entrepreneurs.  Because she's worried about me...
I really am very worried about you Scott because I fear that you are simply waiting for things to happen without reacting even though some very important changes and chances are just within your reach. 
Stop looking into my soul!!
astrological configurations like you will be living through are very rare and your Transit will help you reach an important turning point in your life.
As long as you remember to ask for a transfer at Olympic Boulevard. This is the kind of Transit advice only Uranus can provide.
However for this to happen you must want this to happen because the Astral Bodies can offer you chances
...and lap dances. Astral Bodies is the premiere gentleman's club for men who are lonely and nostalgic for the Moon Race, but there's a $7 cover, and you can't touch the dancers because they're wearing space suits.
This is why things really aren't so complicated because you simply need to want these changes to take place and to ask me for this reading which will bring you all of the information which you need.
What if I want the changes, but I don't want the information? Can I substitute fruit cup, pudding, or the Cling peach and cottage cheese salad?
I cannot repeat this enough
I beg to differ.
I must remind you that you will have the chance to make an important move in your love life and to obtain a very important job for you and.
For me and...period? Hm, I foresee a kind of buddy cop film, in which I team up with a gruff old Ampersand only days away from retirement. Call it...Bullet Point, or maybe PUNCHuation!
As a result I took the initiative to determine two extra elements for you Scott
Unfortunately, they're both highly radioactive elements, and by opening this email you've received a lethal dose. You should've listen to Uranus.
I have calculated the dates of this Transit and so I can now tell you that over the month of January you will live though this period
Now I'm tempted to die on December 31st just to strike a blow for Skepticism.
Indeed, you must know exactly what to do and at which precise moment as this kind of information is impossible to simply guess at.
The eccentric orbit of Phobos eliminates guesswork!
If I have allowed myself to contact you several times about this Transit it is not because I wish to bother you about it but it is quite simply that I need you to understand how important this period really is going to be for you Scott.
Or it's because like all Pisces, you have crappy impulse control.
I can understand that you may not want me to do this reading for you.
It's not you, it's me.  Actually, it's Mimas.
But if I insist as I do it is because I know that you haven't yet contacted anybody about this
Why...you are psychic!

Anyway, thanks, Jenna. I've long had a gnawing suspicion that I'm indecisive and failing to live up to my potential, so you can imagine what a relief it is to finally have it confirmed by the Little Dipper, or the Big Bopper or the Li'l Audrey, or some reliable celestial source.

Next:  Jenna whitens my energy, and leaves it smelling April Fresh!

12 comments:

Brian Schlosser said...

"Bullet Point... you'll go out with an interroBANG!"

Chris Vosburg said...

Hey, and check out the ESE early evening sky tonight, Scott. It is Sirius (and stop calling me Shirley!).

heydave said...

Indeed, you must know exactly what to do and at which precise moment. Oh, fuckin' hell. That's what I forgot to do!

"Happy" Harry Cox c/o Blue Mouse Trailer Resort said...

"Dogs flew spaceships! The Aztecs invented the vacation! Men and women are the same sex! Our forefathers took drugs! Your brain is not the boss! Yes! That's right! Everything you know is wrong!"

ckc (not kc) said...

"Everything you know is wrong!"

(well, duh!)

Mentis Fugit said...

"Everything you know is wrong!"

But if I know that everything I know is wrong, then I'm right about that one thing at least, so not everything I know is wrong. Unless, when I think that everything I know is wrong, I'm wrong about that, which means I must be right about something.

BUT WHAT?????

KWillow said...

Jenna sounds like Megan ArgleBargle, wondering how we could ever "define" what a 1953 Kitchen was like?
...how should we define what a 1953 kitchen was? Is it a kitchen with anything that had been invented by the time? Or is it a kitchen with the things that an average income family could afford? Surely it must matter not merely that something existed, but that it was cheap enough to become widespread?...

KWillow said...

You really ought to give Megan's name to Jenna.

Scott said...

Well K, I agree that Jenna and Megan both seem to do the same amount of research, although I'm more inclined to trust Jenna's conclusions. She seems like less of a nitwit.

Chris Vosburg said...

Which of them has the "for entertainment purposes only" disclaimer on their work, Scott? More importantly, which of them should?

Chris Vosburg said...

By the way, I flunked Econ 101 "Basic Economic Concepts" in college, and the professor of the course used me as a bellwether of general classwide comprehension of a point he'd just made.

"I see Vosburg's eyes have just glazed over again", he'd exasperately say, "so let me explain it again."

The second go may have benefited the class, but like I say, I flunked the class; I was just too doubtful, the poor dunce, of the "known" premises on which everything that followed was based.

Philosophy 101, "Logic" I aced without opening a text. Intuitively, you might say.

trashfire said...

"Neptune, Titan, stars can frighten." --Syd Barrett