The Sexorcist

You remember Father Thomas Euteneuer, the super star pro-life priest who was so Catholic that he chided Sean Hannity for being a heretic? Yes, he was also the jet-setting exorcist who helped hundreds of troubled women until he was abruptly recalled from demon duty. As noted by our chief Vatican correspondent Chris Vosburg, on Feb. 2 Father Tom issued a statement to "set the record straight." But it didn't really. So, here is our attempt to help Father Tom to confess.

"The vast majority of my decisions and conduct, both personally and in this ministry, were morally sound" except for that time when I violated "the boundaries of chastity with an adult female who was under my spiritual care."

Even though it's, you know, technically wrong for a priest to have sex, especially with those whom are under his spiritual care, I am really ticked at those "crackpots" on the internet who criticized my conduct. "I can only say that I am shocked to the depths of my being at the malicious efforts by supposedly faithful Catholics to destroy a priest who has served the Church faithfully" [except for that one time when I had totally consensual sex with someone who thought she was possessed] "for 22 years."

I would just bear my cross in silence, except that it hurts the faithful when people say bad things about a great guy like me.

"I therefore affirm and will never deviate from my affirmation that the following are true:

"My violations of chastity were limited to one person only, an adult woman," [...] but did not involve the sexual act." Of course, this affirmation depends on how you define "sex," "one," and "true."

"The accusation that I 'targeted' vulnerable women or otherwise sought them out for spiritual direction is utterly false and a serious defamation of my character and ministry." My exorcism ministry did NOT target the vulnerable in any way. No siree! Just the possessed!

"With rare exceptions, my exorcism/prayer ministry was always conducted with prayer helpers (third parties)" except when "I believed it was necessary for me to act quickly." Hey, guys, you can relate to that!

"I never, under any circumstances, solicited money for the ministry other than travel-related reimbursements," like for airline tickets, four-star hotels, new traveling robes, gold-plated exorcism crosses, etc. Also, "any gifts offered to me were unsolicited and only accepted so as not to offend the giver," just like Baby how Jesus didn't refuse the Wise Men's gold because it would have hurt their feelings.

Plus, it is a big fib that I keep a possessed woman at my parent's house.

So, in conclusion, you should be ashamed of yourself for having had uncharitable thoughts about me.

With that, the matter is ended. Or not . . . .

Cut to today's Palm Beach Post:

A Catholic exorcist did not reveal all of his "inappropriate" relationships with women, according to his former employer.

In a statement released Wednesday, Human Life International said that more women came forward with allegations against the Rev. Thomas Euteneuer, its president for 10 years.

"Since the time of Rev. Euteneuer's resignation, the board subsequently learned of additional allegations in connection with his exorcism ministry," the Human Life International statement said.

Which is pretty much what Tom O'Toole, the Renew America columnist who spilled the beans on the Father, had said.

And then there's this article:

The Internet crescendo peaked in the wake of a Jan. 27th medical emergency at HLI's Front Royal, Virginia headquarters described by emergency medical responders as a "medical seizure" and by some witnesses as a "demonic
possession" of a past female associate of Father Euteneuer's.

Wow, so there are possessed people working for Human Life International??? And this one is a "past female associate" of the Father's?" I guess she must be one of those repossessed women that we heard about before.
Anyway, with news that the Discovery Channel is teaming with the Vatican to make a series called "the Exorcist Files," dealing with real, true exorcisms, I bet they could use some suggestions about who could play Father Tom and some script ideas.

UPDATE: Although Roger Ailes came up with the same title for his post on this subject, this only proves that Roger and I are like the Corsican Brothers.