Monday, February 7, 2011

Two and a Half Men, a Pot and a Kettle, and a Crazy Woman


Thanks heavens for Town Hall! Because otherwise we would never know that Charlie Sheen has a substance abuse problem, and then we'd watch "Two and a Half Men" is total ignorance of the lead actor's personal issues.

No, wait, we would never watch that show, so never mind.

Well, as long as we're passing through Town Hall's mean streets, let's check in with Rachel Marsden, a "columnist with Human Events Magazine, and Editor-In-Chief of GrandCentralPolitical News Syndicate," who is also crazy.

Charlie Sheen and Toxic Fame

Most of the people who still watch TV aren't surfing the Internet and seeing all this news about Sheen having sex with paid help and absorbing his paycheck through permanent and temporary orifices.
Because it's not like there are approximately 529,107 hours of television each week devoted to this kind of "news." I mean, we'd have to live in a world with daily programs like "TMZ," "Entertainment Tonight," "E! News," "Nancy Grace," "Joy Behar," etc. in order for the average TV viewer to learn about the misdeeds of celebrities from the boob tube. And in a Christian nation like America that could never happen!
Sheen is enough of a pro to pull it together to read some lines written by someone else. But try the following line on your grandma (assuming she's a fan of Sheen's show): "Hey grandma, did you know that one of the 'Two and a Half Men' has track marks on his arm under his yuppie wardrobe, was reenacting porn films with call girls last night, and has a nose like the guy's from the Operation game when the weezers hit the side?"

Both of my grandmas thankfully died before they had to learn the tragic truth about Sheen, but I dare you to try this out on your grandma. I betcha you can give her a heart attack with such shocking info! Or maybe she'll just tell you about the porn movies that Charlie was allegedly reenacting. I mean, you know your grandma better than Rachel and I do.

But let's assume she's one of those grandmas who tries to avoid lurid, tawdry gossip, and unpleasant tales of other people's bad behavior. You know, a lady with class. We can then probably also assume that she's no fan of "Three and a Half Men." But maybe she is. If so, then she is probably familiar with the character "Rose," a dark-haired, seriously disturbed woman who criminally stalks the character played by Sheen on a regular basis. Okay, now tell Grandma the Rachel Marsden story, and then ask her if she thinks Rose was based on Rachel's life. Way to terrorize poor, old Grandma!

Now, let's see how Rachel thinks your Grandma will react to the news that Charlie Sheen is just as skeevy as the guy he plays on TV.

"No! You do not say that about that Martin Sheen's lovely boy!" she'll say. You see, the Sheen family is in her house twice a week, between 'The West Wing' DVDs starring dad Martin you bought her and Charlie Sheen's sitcom. You don't speak that way about grandma's two best friends after Katie Couric and Brian Williams!
Um, if Grandma thinks that Katie Couric and Brian Williams are her friends, then maybe it's time to send her to that "home" you've been talking about.

Sheen has been married and divorced four times. I'm not qualified to pass judgment, because obviously I don't know the people or circumstances involved.
Lessee, how many psycho relationships has Rachel been in so far? There was the swim coach, the professor, the radio personality, the Mountie, and the Wikipedia jerk -- am I forgetting any? So, if we are looking for a jury of his peers, Rachel would be more than qualified to pass judgment on Charlie's love life. Way, way more than qualified.

14 comments:

Scott said...

Um, if Grandma thinks that Katie Couric and Brian Williams are her friends, then maybe it's time to send her to that "home" you've been talking about.

I would, but I'd be afraid that she'd wind up rooming with Rachel. And that one night Rachel would empty grandma's closet, then sneak out to the Day Room where they keep the one computer all the residents use to forward right wing conspiracy emails to their children, and use it to sell Granny's chenille bathrobe and fuzzy slippers on eBay.

scripto said...

"...Sheen having sex with paid help and absorbing his paycheck through permanent and temporary orifices. "

And the problem is...?

heydave said...

Sure, it's Rachel, so one has to assume a minimum level of contradiction, cluelessness and dumb.

But what the heck's a temporary orifice? She's obviously being clever in that Swanky double speak alliterative manner, but a temporary orifice? We talkin' a bullet hole or what?

You all know how fucking broad minded I am, but when did a needle poke become elevated to Orifice/Temporary status?

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

Fer cryin' out loud, depending on your age Granny either let Frank Sinatra eat breakfast off her ass, wrestled another teen girl in her underwear while Elvis jerked off, or did the dog and whistle with two roadies for Canned Heat.

D. Sidhe said...

Just a guess, but "temporary orifice" is a needle hole.

And yeah, it's not like I have much respect for what's his name, and gods know my granny would've found the show in question fucking insipid and said so in so many words, but my granny also did shit with her girlfriends I like my skin too much to have ever suggested to mine. And all without a safeword!

The Sheen family invented neither fucking nor fucking up, after all.

StringonaStick said...

The link to the old WOC post about Rachael doesn't work, but I had a "hmm, is that the crazy chick who.." moment. Then when I read "the swim coach, the professor", etc., I knew exactly who it was.

Town Hall is going to be really, really sorry they ever gave this nutjob posting privleges, their email and home addresses, phone numbers....

Scott said...

String: Not sure what the problem was, but the link to Old Wo'C seems to be working now.

the swim coach, the professor, the radio personality, the Mountie, and the Wikipedia jerk

Sounds like the theme song from a Gilligan's Island reboot.

Djur said...

Uh, Sheen's character on 2.5 Men is named "Charlie" and is a drunken, womanizing hedonist. He's intentionally written to play off the actor's well-publicized lifestyle.

Beyond that, 2.5 Men (for all its many flaws) is also exceptionally raunchy for a network sitcom, so your little old grandma has presumably been tolerating joke after joke about dicks, blowjobs, three-ways, bondage, golden showers, &c. and is probably not going to be horrified by the addition of a briefcase of blow into the picture.

D Johnston said...

Okay, I got out of the boat on this one because I really couldn't believe that Marsden had written a whole column about the fact that Charlie Sheen is sleazy. Nope, that's the whole thing, complete with her psychotic assertion that there are people who don't know this.

Uh, Sheen's character on 2.5 Men is named "Charlie" and is a drunken, womanizing hedonist.

Pretty much this. It's not like Sheen is playing really wholesome characters, he's playing a sleazeball.

Tina said...

Most of the people who still watch TV aren't surfing the Internet

WTF?

a) "who still watch TV"? Lady, it ain't going out of style. Trust me. Or trust Nielsen. (For those who don't wanna click, the first sentence on the page begins "Today’s consumers are watching more TV than ever".)

b) "aren't surfing the internet"? Sure they are. Sometimes at the same time, seeing as how some people watch shows streamed online. Also, how anyone can not notice the huge number of web sites on the intarwebs about discussing things that are, were, or people think should be on TV is beyond me.

[PS: I was the lurkful but occasional commenter 'tls' at the Other Site.]

Scott said...

Well put, Tina.

And glad you found the New Place.

KWillow said...

After re-reading the WO'C post about Rachel, I have to marvel that the best she could come up with is a column saying Charley Sheen is a Bad Boy and your Gramma probably wouldn't like him. Is she on anti-psycho meds?

Jim Donahue said...

Looks like Townhall deleted the column.

Jim Donahue said...

Oh, wait--it's there; link is broken.