Sunday, March 27, 2011

A Belated Happy Birthday to MaryC From Bill S.

March 26th marked the natal anniversary of MaryC, but I was, alas, too busy to get her a suitable present in time for the occasion. But no fear, as on Saturday afternoon, I received the latest catalogue from Carol Wright Gifts, which I keep getting in the mail despite the fact that I have never, ever ordered anything from it. But there's a first time for eveything, isn't there. There must be something here that'd be a nifty gift for Mary. Let's peruse it, shall we?
"Robostir. Automatically stirs as you cook! Only $9.99
Cooking just got easier with RoboStir(TM), the revolutionary cordless tool that stirs gravies, soups and sauces for you! Simply place RoboStir(TM) in your pan, select one of the three speeds, and let it go."
Hmm. I don't know if I like the idea of a Robot spoon. What if it turns against Mary, like some cookware version of HAL and refuses to let her have any soup?
"iRENW Bracelet. Balance your Body-Balance Your Life Only $19.99
iRenew (R) bracelet may help restore balance, regain strength and renew energy. Simply put it on and feel the difference...This product is not a medical device."
Then the doctor who told me, "Take two bracelets and call me in the mourning" was a quack? Uh-oh.
"ZAP AWAY CELLULITE GEL Slim down ugly bulges! $9.99
Tighten ugly, flabby, dimpled areas on your body! This gel displaces unwanted fat for a slimmer you. Just apply twice daily. Contains peppermint oil and camphor."
Aside from the simple fact that I sincerely doubt such a thing would actually work, I'm astonished this is an item in a gift catalog. What better way to let someone know what you think of them than a salve that's supposed to slim down unsightly bulges?
"WATERPROOF RABBIT MASSAGER. $29.99"
I'm confused - is this a massager that's waterproof, for rabbits -- or is it a massager for waterproof rabbits? Then again I'm not sure Mary even has any rabbits, so maybe I should keep looking.
"RIBBED TOWELS CLEAN UP YOUR KITCHEN FAST Only $9.99"
Ribbed for her pleasure.
 "SAVE MONEY WITH DRYER BALLS. Our price $5.99"
Well there's a consumer tip I've never heard before.
"TALKING TOILET PAPER HOLDER. (Only $9.)
Record a funny message. Unlimited recordings and convenient on/off switch."
Because hearing somebody pounding on the door and yelling, "Are you done yet? What are you doing in there?" isn't annoying enough. Pass.
"BACON GENIE- EAT HEALTHY (ONLY $9)
With Bacon Genie(TM), you can cook up to 12 strips of crisp bacon in your microwave with no greasy splatter. Each strip hangs vertically, letting all the fat drip into an easy-clean resevoir."
And nothing says "Healthy eating" like eating 12 strips of microwave-cooked bacon.
"MOTION SENSOR OWL. now only $7.99.
Would you give a hoot if you saw glowing eyes peering out at you in the darkness? This motion sensor owl does! A built-in motion detector causes it to "hoot' whenever it senses movement."
Ooh, so it's ugly, creepy and annoying!
"REMOVABLE INSTANT EYEBROWS. Only $9.99
Replace lost or thinning eyebrows with these instant brows. Simply press the color transfer on with a wet cloth and enjoy natural ooking brows."
You can get "Arched" or "Round". Why not get both sets and mix & match?

"BLUE WALTZ PERFUME. Why pay $26.00. Our price $5.99
This hard-to-find favorite is back! Subtly sweet and spicy! This popular scent from the 1950's brings back many pleasant memories."
Yes -- of your grandmother. Or worse, your husband's.
"SQUIRREL CHASERS-Set of 3. Competitor's price $7.99 Our price $6.99.
Now you can keep squirrels away from your garden, bird feeders, plants and house by placing or hanging a squirrel chaser pouch in the area you want to protect. The pouch has a scent that squirrels won't go near"
What's it smell like, Blue Waltz? Or maybe dead squirrels.

Hmmm...I'm still having a dickens of a time picking something out. Perhaps I'll let Mary decide for herself. In any case I wish her a belated Happy Birthday!

-Bill S

14 comments:

maryclev said...

"WATERPROOF RABBIT MASSAGER. $29.99"

I'm confused - is this a massager that's waterproof, for rabbits -- or is it a massager for waterproof rabbits? Then again I'm not sure Mary even has any rabbits, so maybe I should keep looking.


That's it. You can...uh...stop looking. That will be fine. I'm sure I can find some use for it of some kind.

heydave said...

Late to the party, but happy birthday from me too, should you still be conscious!

Carl said...

I'm confused - is this a massager that's waterproof, for rabbits -- or is it a massager for waterproof rabbits? Then again I'm not sure Mary even has any rabbits, so maybe I should keep looking.

Dude, if the rabbit is wet, then Scott is dry. Capisci?

Oh hi, Mary! Happy Birthday!

preznit said...

all I know is that if the rabbit is dead it typically means you're pregnant.

"SAVE MONEY WITH DRYER BALLS. Our price $5.99"

Well there's a consumer tip I've never heard before.


does cut down on the need to buy jock itch cream

and enjoy natural ooking brows."

is that what Leonard Nimoy used?

Doghouse Riley said...

Happy belated, Mary. I trust the card got there on time.

Chris Vosburg said...

Robostir. Automatically stirs as you cook! Only $9.99 Cooking just got easier with RoboStir(TM)

Oh man, I can just hear Megan McArdle now: "Of all the mechanical autostirring devices I've tried..."

ckc (not kc) said...

I want a RoboScrape - automatically separates the still edible portions from the blackened mess at the bottom of the pot that you left to be stirred by the RoboStir.

Bill S said...

Yeah, when I looked at that stupid Robot Spoon, I thought it was the stupidest thing I'd ever seen. But that's only because it was on page 1.
There were also an unbelievable number of "male potency" remedies.

ckc (not kc) said...

PS my rabbits DO get tense when I put them at the bottom of the pool.

Brian Schlosser said...

Who knew there was so much overlap between the Good Vibrations and Carol Wright catalogs?

Does Carol Wright ship to Alabama?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

even better than Good Vibrations: There's a sex toy shop in Milwaukee called the Tool Shed.

Lucy The Wonder Dog said...

The eyebrows are what I would get if I had access to money.

Mix and match, indeed!

I really am surprised Removable Instant Eyebrows aren't all the rage with the kids.

Chris Vosburg said...

Of course, the little scamps would take the same approach to them that they take to earrings-- if one's good, then half a dozen's better, and let's not confine them to the area of the brow, either! Looking forward to nipple eyebrows!

Aimless in Florida said...

So someone actually reads those catalogs, eh?

Anyway, I was stupid drunk in a Bahama casino one year where, you know, money flows and I got to thinking about making some and considered that there must be a product everyone needs. I came up with TP and toothbrushes. So the talking bumwad might work. If all else fails try "I ordered you something special but it hasn't been delivered yet." Buys time.