Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Moment of Silence. And a Booster Seat.

By now I'm sure you've heard the bitter news: that Mitch (The Bantam Menace*) Daniels has declined  to run for President, 'cause his legs too short to kickbox with God.

Certainly there are stupider, loonier, even drabber candidates out there vying for the Republican nomination, and you may have already picked a particular bipedal train wreck to root for, hoping your preferred candidate will go the distance and delay crashing before he or she can get up a good head of steam and take out a load-bearing wall at the Gare Montparnasse.
But I think we can all agree that Daniel's withdrawal represents a tragedy for aficionados of snark and schadenfreude, because his participation in the race meant that Bats Left/Throws Right would have become to Midwestern States Governed By Surly Megalomaniacs With Napoleonic Complexes* what Mudflats was to Palin.  I would have gladly paid 3D ticket prices to see a cable news personality recite even a single Riley quote in the vicinity of David Brooks, before the anchor's tongue inevitably turned to ash in his mouth and he concluded the segment by vomiting steam and pyroclasts like Eyjafjallaj√∂kull.

So please join me in a moment of silence for What Might Have Been.

*© Doghouse Riley

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

"of all sad words of tongue and pen
The saddest are these :
It might have been."

Snif.

Suezboo

nedbeaumontjr said...

I'll miss his handlers forbidding photographers access to pictures like the one on the top.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Poor Doghouse.

P.S. I never saw that photo before. Thank god we have a free press that tells us things (e.g. President Bush clearing brush at his 'ranch').
~

Li'l Innocent said...

But look at it this way: Mitch will still be Indiana's, and therefore Doghouse's, very own!

I myself would pay those 3D prices if it was Brooks who spewed the pyroclasts. Not that I can really envision him doing anything so butch.

Carl said...

I feel sad for DR's lost "moment in the snub"...

Anonymous said...

So we can't say Hillery has a fat ass, but we can mock Daniels' stature?

Scott said...

I suppose you can say whatever you like about Hillary's ass; what I think irritates most people is the assumption that a large ass (however subjectively defined) is somehow indicative of a character flaw.

There's no crime in being short (however subjectively that's defined), but where I think Daniels opens himself to criticism is his habit of lying about his height, and his minions' and handlers' insistence that the press lie about it on his behalf.

Anonymous said...

If Daniels has a history of being deceptive about his height, than fair enough, I suppose, Scott.

Although I'd want to know why the media would discuss his height in the first place.

D. Sidhe said...

Fucking amen. I had more to say but Firefox hates me almost as much as the other browsers I don't use because they're worse.

Still, Jesus Christ, even Molly Ivins couldn't keep us from putting that fucker Bush in the Oval Office, so I gotta say I'm a bit relieved not to have to worry about Mitch.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Anonymous said...
...
Although I'd want to know why the media would discuss his height in the first place.


Did you ever wonder why Kit Seelye, Ceci Connolly, and the other members of our so-called liberal press felt the need to discuss the colors of Al Gore's clothing, nonny?

Do you think they would have dutifully kept quiet if Al Gore used a booster to increase his height behind a platform?

Right-wing hypocrisy: it's always on the menu.
~

Anonymous said...

Ifthethunderdontgetya,

I'm not right wing; I'm 5'4", and touchy about it.

So sue me.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

heck, if I was a short, anonymous concern troll, I would be touchy about it too.

nedbeaumontjr said...

heck, if I was a short, anonymous concern troll, I would be touchy about it too.

Yeah. Being a zombie with a Zardoz complex is handicap enough.

D. Sidhe said...

Weird. I'm 5'2" and not touchy about it. I didn't even know I was short until I was 35. I'm not kidding, I thought five five was average and I was within norms. I also have a fat ass, and I am touchy about that, so, you know, have at it with Clinton, but I believe you've just given me permission to scold you if you bring it up.

Seriously, have you *seen* American political coverage anytime in the last forty years? I don't know why I'm supposed to give a fuck that Obama might still be smoking, or what kind of non-alcoholic beer Biden drinks, or Gore's college roommates, or what kind of underwear Romney wears or *any goddamned thing* about Rice and her shoes. But that's what the media wants to talk about, so that's what we talk about. If you can figure out a way to get them to refocus on the economy, the environment, and actual fucking policy, let us know.

(ProTip: Scolding snarkblogs about Mitch Daniels shortjokes is much less successful than you'd think.)

heydave said...

Short, tall or horizontal, the wee Daniels is still a towering asshole.

Woodrowfan said...

there's till Mike Pence, so don;t give up hope...

Carl said...

Or how the right mocks Sarah Palin for her nice boobs.

Wait. Not "mock". Fap. I mean, faps

Oh Crap said...

Nice Vinette Carroll "too short to..." reference. Not many know it.