Dear Mr. Zuckerberg:Distinguished, prominent, real Americans like Mike Hunt, Nebraska State Senator Hugh Jass, Dr. Ivana Humpalot, Ambassador Heywood Jablome, real estate mogul Seymore Butz, and California State University, Fresno Professor Incontinentia Buttocks.
We, the editors and staff of HUMAN EVENTS and RedState.com, and the tens of thousands of Americans who have attached our signatures to this petition...
…salute your success in creating an extraordinary medium through which millions of people can make their voices heard.It’s like the purity of ancient Greek democracy, if the citizens of Athens had used the Ecclesia primarily to post cat videos and declare themselves Mayor of the Steak Corral.
We also applaud your recognition that Facebook is now an influential public platform and key vehicle for political expression.Because it's usually pretty tough to get wealthy narcissists to admit their cash cow is the shit.
Your recent Town Hall with President Obama held on April 20, 2011 was an impressive example of that. However, given Facebook’s dominance of the internet...Yes, I remember when there was lots of stuff on the internet -- newspapers, blogs, Youtubes, Japanese rope bondage tutorials, bicycle sprocket dealerships with their virtual "shopping carts," knitting patterns, pornography, and, of course, galleries of lovingly scanned menus from extinct restaurants -- but now it's just Farmville, sneaky, ill-advised changes to relationship status, and blurry photos of your toe fungus taken while drunk and posted in the middle of the night.
...we believe Facebook has a duty to provide “equal time” to the eventual Republican candidate, just as the other private media companies that control the public airwaves are required to do."And were, in fact, required to do about all issues of public importance, before Reagan eliminated the Fairness Doctrine in 1987, which nobody better even THINK about trying to revive, because it would be the moral equivalent of an assassination attempt on Rush Limbaugh. But even though Facebook doesn’t use the public airwaves, we’d like you to pretend we never gutted the law and that it applies to you, even though it wouldn’t even if we hadn’t. Mm-kay?"
Anyway, I look forward to Human Events and Redstate making in-kind contributions of space and time to Barack Obama's campaign, because when your website controls the public airwaves, you must be like Caesar's wife, above suspicion, unless Caesar is married to Meghan McCain, in which case we'll bend the rules if she wants to tweet pix of her cleavage.
We hereby respectfully ask that you recognize your opportunity and responsibility to provide equal time to both sides of the national political debate...To demonstrate just how sincere is their respect, here's Human Events editor Jason Mattera trying to pull a Daily Show by pretending to interview badly edited footage of Mark Zuckerberg. (Spoiler Alert: Jason makes poo-poo and sexytime jokes):
...by pledging that you will invite the eventual Republican presidential nominee to share the stage with you at a Town Hall event identical to that which you held for President (and candidate) Obama.Identical in every respect, except the Republican will almost certainly be white, so you won’t need to ask him to provide two forms of photo I.D.
We believe that not doing so will be a violation of the trust millions of Americans have placed in Facebook.I guess I haven't been getting my money's worth out of Facebook, because I primarily trust it as a source of Happy Birthdays, Super-Poking Penguins, and bitter complaints that the new "German Chocolate Cake Sipper" cocktail at Fridays is not literally a cake you can drink.
Your members include people of all political persuasions, including more than fifty million right-leaning Americans.I'm pretty sure Jason just pulled that figure out of his ass, perhaps during the bathroom break he took in the middle of the Zuckerberg interview. Anyway, there are more women on Facebook than men, and women tend to vote Democratic, especially in years when Republicans are offering a new anti-choice bill every other day, so by all means let's let demographics to determine the political content we're allowed to ignore.
That Facebook co-founder Chris Hughes helped lead Obama's 2008 online campaign already gives many of us reason to believe you lean 100% opposite.Is it possible to lean 100%? At a certain point (50%? 90% at the most?) wouldn't you be falling, and then eventually lying down?
Failing to give equal time to the Republican presidential nominee will further position Facebook squarely and irredeemably as a biased, untrustworthy member of the liberal media — just another political tool where censorship rules — rather than a free and open public gathering place. At risk will be the loyalty of countless right-leaning Facebook members.Outraged and disappointed right wingers might refuse to post Photoshopped images of chimps with Obama's face as an act of passive resistance. Oath Keepers and Neo-Nazi militias might switch to Evite to arrange their meet-ups, and Sarah Palin might stop posting her selections from The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, which would be just as frustrating as the time my second grade teacher started reading Where The Red Fern Grows to us the second week of June, then suddenly school was over for the year and we never found out how it ended!
We urge you to recognize the legitimacy of our request......by not tittering behind your hand like that.
...by posting your pledge, as CEO, that Facebook will host the future Republican presidential nominee at a Town Hall meeting identical in all respects to that recently undertaken for President Obama.Douglas C. Neidermeyer...Sergeant at Arms.
HUMAN EVENTS/RedState.com EditorsThank you, HUMAN EVENTS, for fighting on behalf of the little people, even though I know you're hoarse and have a sore throat from shouting your name all the time. Now, if you wouldn't mind, would you contact the Twitter people and get them to address the gross disparity between my total followers and Ashton Kutcher's? Thanks.