Thursday, July 7, 2011

Harry Potter and the Flaming Moron

A friend called last night to remind me that "it all ends here," and I figured I must have forgotten her birthday or something -- it's not the first time she's threatened me.  But it turns out she was just calling to say that she'd bought us tickets for the July 15th opening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, or as we call it around here, The Potterdammerung.

And for some reason this reminded me of WO'C's old friend Thomas Carder of the ChildCare Action Project (or "CAP Alert"), the self-appointed pastor whose "ministry" involves him watching vaguely dirty movies so you don't have to, or watching fairly clean movies and finding all the hidden dirty parts.  The former always confused me; I could understand him seeing G, PG, and even PG-13 films, so he could warn parents who might otherwise be lulled into a false sense of security by the MPAA's lax rating scheme, but Thomas watched an awful lot of R-rated movies too, which his presumably evangelical readership wouldn't be inclined to see in the first place, let alone take their Dugger-sized families to, and s.z. and I began to wonder if he had simply realized that dream of every cyberspace-dwelling slacker: subsidized porn.

But like all congregations, ChildCare Action Project (not quite sure why Care is capitalized rather than hyphenated) lived off the collection plate, and every week Thomas threatened to lock the doors of his virtual church because you -- the freeloading parishioner -- had failed to donation sufficient funds to cover his Milk Duds, and extra large Mr. Pibb, which in his faith serves the same function as the Eucharist.  Thomas had no other job but Apostle to the multiplex, although he claimed to have a rich and varied C.V.  As s.z. wrote in 2005:
We've previously discussed our fondness for Thomas Carder of CAP fame. We like him for his horribly mangled prose, his loony pronouncements, and his cluelessness. One of the highlights of our life was when mistook an Onion story about children joining covens after readiing the Harry Potter books for a real news item, and claimed that it vindicated his claims that grade-school children were turning to Satan as a result of J.K. Rowlings' work -- and then, when Thomas was flooded with email pointing out that he had been fooled by a fake story, he said that this was how Satan worked: by making us think that the truth was a lie. Oh, and he also cited a Paul Harvey story he remembered hearing 20 years ago which said that most missing children are eaten by witches.

But we especially like Thomas's stories about his life. It seems that before making his living by taking in a passel of foster children (and by pleading for donations to his "movie ministry"), he used to be: a drug counselor; a safety inspector, a martial artist; and a nuclear power technician (no, not at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant -- I think he said he worked for Oak Ridge or Area 57 or something).

The impression that one gets from Thomas's stories is that Thomas hasn't been especially successful at anything, and so naturally drifted into trying to make a buck from the combination of religious fundamentalism and the internets.
So I visited CAP Alert, thinking it had must have long since faded away.  Instead, I found the place was thriving, although the design was so remarkably unchanged since we last saw it that I can only suppose it wound up on the National Registry of Historic Websites as a pristine example of mid-90s GeoCities architecture, and now the Landmarks Commission won't let Thomas change his font.

There are, of course, lots of legitimate film critics on the Internet, and no shortage of amateurs with passionate opinions and a good wifi connection, but that's the thing -- they're just opinions.  CAP, on the other hand, is the only review site which uses a Scientific Model of Film Criticism, precluding the possibility of error or bias:

During the development of the CAP Numeric Analysis Model, the developer observed our culture and society for examples of unacceptable activities and behavior -- unacceptable in accordance with the teachings of Jesus -- examples of activities and behavior which are potentially destructive to wholesome morals, values, and principles. At developement's end, the examples of unacceptable activities and behavior were incorporated into the CAP system as Investigation Standards.  The Investigation Standards were partitioned into six Investigation Areas:
Wanton Violence/Crime
Impudence/Hate
Sexual Immorality
Drugs/Alcohol
Offense to God
Murder/Suicide
But the best part?
There is little room for subjectivity in the CAP system...The CAP Model relies on fact, not speculation -- it is as objective as any human evaluation system can be. Either an example of unacceptable activity or behavior was present during the investigation or it was not. The CAP Model makes no attempt to evaluate whether any justification for an unacceptable activity/behavior was present.
Examples of such self-evident behaviors include "woman in tub with sensual maneuvers and music," "tease dress," and the unmistakable "suggestive eye movements."  All of the above occur in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (which I clicked on only because I'd seen it), along with "much use of camera angle to force viewer on private part," (the part in question was a bit of side-boob, and to be honest, the camera didn't really have to twist my arm), "offer of booze," and "great fall" (I don't actually remember it being that great, but my standards are much more subjective than Thomas's). 

Anyway, I wondered if Thomas had applied his infallible system to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I, and I was not disappointed; although sadly, it seems that Thomas was.
I do not remember much about the story and plot since it has been almost three weeks since I viewed the DVD but I'll share with you what I remember. Fortunately, that I don't remember much about the story and plot is meaningless to the CAP Analysis Model (the Findings/Scoring section). Our model procedures require the investigator to annotate his/her findings on a specially prepared form while watching the film so memory is not needed to generate the listing of findings or the scoring distribution.
So using the CAP Numeric Analysis Model, even Guy Pearce's character from Memento could write a review -- it's that foolproof.  Of course, he'd probably forget to submit it, unless he inked the text onto his body, and really, who wants to go around with the words "Sexual Immorality" and "Offense to God" tattooed on your butt cheeks.
HP7 Part 1 (2010) was rated PG-13 by the weak sisters at the MPAA, but according to CAP it earns a [Hard R-13*] .

Wanton Violence/Crime (W) - Zero out of 100
Each of the previous six episodes earned a R-equivalent (54 and below out of 100) Wanton Violence/Crime investigation area score. This one is no different. Thus, all of the Harry Potter films so far have been R-equivalent in violence.
"Stand back -- I'm about to make a suggestive eye movement!"
Impudence/Hate (I) - 23 out of 100
The language impurities [Col. 3:8] and matters of hatefulness [Rom. 12:18] in each of the seven episodes seem to hover around the demarcation between R and PG-13 equivalent (54/55 out of 100). In addition, the entire film, indeed every Potter film, oozed a theme of teens in control with adult involvement only when "politically correct" or when adult involvement suits the aims and goals of the teens. A rather impudent comment used by the filmmakers was "Magic is Might." Bloodlust, planning to kill and lies added to the "up yours" parts of the plot. [1 Pet. 5:5, Rev. 21:8]
Thomas has put his finger on what I most dislike about drama:  all the conflict.  Sure, it's the villains who say "Magic is Might," and it's a philosophy which the heroes fight against with every dram of courage and determination they possess, but that's the problem.  You give heroes something to fight, and they're going to fight it, which makes them unholy and frankly, just bad role models.  You don't see any conflict or violence in the Bible, do you?
Sexual Immorality (S) - 85 out of 100
This one has gotten bold enough to show Harry and Hermoine making out in a misty nude scene. 
I didn't even know Misty Mundae was in this movie.  I must have gone out for Raisinets during the three-way.
Harry gets to zip up the dress over the bare back of Ginny (Bonnie Wright) when there were no adults around, of course. She could not do it herself, of course. That would seem to scream that since she had to have help this time she probably never has been able to zip it up herself, of course. And since her mom or another female was not around … This begs the question, why was she dressing in front of Harry in the first place?
Nothing more salacious than helping a girl get less nude.
Other than the above, characters in underwear and female underwear on a male were all that there were to the Sexual Immorality content of this episode of Harry Potter.
Can anyone help me with the "female underwear on a male"?  I've seen this movie a couple times, and I'm drawing a blank.
Because so much contempt for sexual humility in and as entertainment has been built up over the years we have become insensitive to God's will for our sexual purity. God tells us many things in His Word about what is and what is not sexually acceptable.
Thou shalt not zip up a girl's dress.  Or button it, if you're Amish.
Offense to God (O) - Zero out of 100
The content regarding offense to God's Word is intense. As with violence, the evil/unholy content is so thick to even summarize it here would be unproductive. Please rely on the listing in the Findings/Scoring section for a detailing of the content of the film found by this investigation area.
By all means.  Let's check out the Numeric Analysis section (you may use a calculator for this next section).
Wanton Violence/Crime (W) - Zero out of 100

recruiting assistance to kill
Killing with friends or co-workers, while often a good team-building exercise, is extremely unholy.  Biblical killing is invariably accomplished by one man, alone, armed with only a sling, or the jawbone of an ass.
animal consumption of human (unseen)
The animals in question were rats, the human was Ernest Borgnine, and it was unseen because it happened in an entirely different movie, Willard.
injury gore, repeatedly

threat to face

battle using unholy magic, repeatedly

strongarm tactics to force performance 
(I understand the impulse behind this last one, but believe me ladies, it only increases performance anxiety. )

sculpture of crushing many people 

Now he's an art critic.
explosive startle

long pursuit to kill by unholy magic
I'm not sure why the length of the pursuit to kill by unholy magic matters, unless Thomas is concerned that brooms get poor mileage and release a lot of chlorofluorocarbons.

Impudence/Hate (I) - 23 out of 100

six uses of profanity, five by a teen

wanting to be chosen to kill a teen boy

theme of teens in control 

Well, to be fair, #2 would probably solve #3.
animate argument, twice

torture to force admission 

I predict Thomas is going to pan the crap out of The Dick Cheney Story.
Sexual Immorality (S) - 85 out of 100

female underwear on male

teen girl asking teen boy to zip up her dress

teen boy in underwear

teen boy and teen girl making out in misty nudity 
Just wait til you see what they do in The Opening of Misty Beethoven.
Drugs/Alcohol (D) - 93 out of 100

booze, repeatedly 

Yep.  Since about the third paragraph.
Offense to God (O) - Zero out of 100

evil sounds with tissue decay

This also describes the average Wayne Newton show.
gathering of sorcerers, witches, etc., repeatedly

I think this refers to that scene where Harry addresses a meeting of the Hogsmeade Rotary Club.
broom riding, multiple 
with clear and repeated violations of the helmet law.
riding demon beast 
I thought my wife was the only one who called it that.  Hmph.
levitation on motorcycle 
You meet the nicest people levitating on a Honda.
shape-shifting, repeatedly, once to falsify identity
You know what I hate most about werewolves?  Half the time they go through that hideous transformation not to eviscerate humans, or to spread their unholy curse, but just to steal your PIN number.
multiple flashbacks of evil 
I've experienced this before, but usually only when I get an invitation to my high school reunion.
calling a sorcerer the Chosen One [Luke 23:35]

moving still photos, repeatedly 
Now that you mention it, the pictures on the screen at the movie theater were also in motion.  I don't mean to lock the barn door after the horse has run away, but I certainly hope someone had the foresight back in 1888 to burn Thomas Edison at the stake.
unholy medallion

unholy manifestation, repeatedly, some graphic

transport by unholy magic, repeatedly, some graphic
I can't believe those weak sisters at the MPAA didn't have the guts to give this piece of trash an NC-17 for scenes of explicit transportation.
unholy healing
Also known as "Obamacare."
attitude control by unholy magic 
That was the scene were wizards and witches were all pointing their wands at each other and shouting the incantation, "Zoloft!"
text appearing by unholy magic 
My iPhone is apparently a horcrux.
Christmas without Jesus 
Otherwise known as "Black Friday."
inexplicable voices 
Turns out it was just that "Pants on the Ground" guy.
fire by unholy magic 
King Arthur: Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?

Tim: There are some who call me... Tim. 

So there you have it.  Attend a screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 at the risk of thy immortal soul.  Unless you watched a lot of Bewitched reruns when you were a kid, in which case you're going to Hell already, and would you like something from the Snack Bar?

37 comments:

Stacia said...

I cannot wait for someone to reveal which guy was wearing a girl's knickers.

gocart mozart said...

Speaking of Edison . . [blogwhore alert!] . . . I wonder what Thomas Carder would thing of these 19th century short films: Especially the 3rd one?

"Thomas Edison: Boxing Cats, Boxing Babes, and Dancing "Gays"
http://gocart-mozart.blogspot.com/

M. Bouffant said...

Is it humid enough for some "misty nudity?" I'm certainly ready.

Faster, Harder, More Challenging GeoX said...

I know that these reviews must be God's own truth, since they use the Numeric Analysis Model and everything, but I must admit to being heathenishly confused: can anybody explain why the numbers assigned to each category seemingly have no bearing on the content? So that "Offense to God" gets zero out of one hundred, yet "the content regarding offense to God's Word is intense?" Far be it from me to question Science, but I'm afraid I'm too unsaved and/or sober to understand.

Scott said...

"Thomas Edison: Boxing Cats, Boxing Babes, and Dancing "Gays"

So Edison also invented YouTube?

penh said...

My all-time favorite CAPAlert warning was probably "long sequence of dire urgency with explosive sound", for The Fellowship of the Ring, which sounds more like warning that should come with Taco Bell meals. A close second is, of course, "using dildos as artillery" (from Sorority Boys).

AWeasleyAteMyBaby said...

I only got as far as "explosive startle" before I was unhinged by laughter. (I know. Explosive Startle is your favorite band from Portland.)

Nameless Cynic said...

Wow (as in "Holy shit!" - not as in "World of Warcraft," which also probably puts you on the express-lane to Hell...). What an amazingly subjective piece of objective numeration.

I do not remember much about the story and plot since it has been almost three weeks...
"...and I've only just stopped wanking to the misty scene of Hermione and Harry... Harry... HARRY... TAKE ME, OH WIZARDLY STUD!!..." * huff huff huff *

"I'm sorry, where was I?"

You know, for somebody who doesn't remember the damned (heh) movie, he sure has a lot of detail here...

But some of these ratings?

gathering of sorcerers, witches, etc., repeatedly
Ummm... yeah. Every time two or more people are in the frame, not counting Harry's uncle and family.

broom riding, multiple
riding demon beast
levitation on motorcycle

That's ALL ONE SCENE, YOU DICKLESS...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled (or capitalized - either one).

shape-shifting, repeatedly, once to falsify identity
also gets us
female underwear on male
(sorry, Stacia... OK, so I didn't say who it was...)

Why did this idiot even bother to rate it? I mean, it says "Harry Potter" right there in the title. Couldn't he have just written "you're going to hell you're going to hell you're going to hell you're going to hell" all down the page, Shining style?

Oh, incidentally:

This one has gotten bold enough to show Harry and Hermoine making out in a misty nude scene.
I didn't even know Misty Mundae was in this movie.

Come on now! It could have been Misty Rowe, after all.

Do you remember back when things were rotten?

Scott said...

I always felt she did her best work as a Hee Haw Honey.

Stacia said...

shape-shifting, repeatedly, once to falsify identity
also gets us
female underwear on male
(sorry, Stacia... OK, so I didn't say who it was...)


Ooh, I was so close to finding out! Eventually someone will reveal this tantalizing secret! (Sure, I could just watch the movie to find out for myself, but... no.)

Anonymous said...

OMG, I snickered throughout this entire post. Ridiculous. Harry & Hermione did not make out, FFS. They danced in one scene to the radio when they were both feeling bad, in order to cheer up. Everyone knows Hermione is in love with Ron.

And the female underwear on male thing was at the beginning when a bunch of the characters take PolyJuice potion to look like Harry, so that the minions of Voldemort won't know which of them to follow.

Gah. Get it right you stupid wingnut.

David E. said...

How about at the end of the book/movie, when Harry gives himself willingly into death in order to be resurrected so as to be impervious to evil and thus redeem the world.

That sounds like some other story I've heard...can't quite put my finger on it...

Oh well, I guess we have to chalk it up to Zombie Resurrection and black magic and shun it.

Brian Schlosser said...

Cripes, by these standards the average episode of "Davy and Goliath" would be rated "Hard R-13", whatever that means...

Children placed in morally ambiguous quandaries
Animals speaking in human tongues
Base clay made to move without the spark of the Almighty

Brian Schlosser said...

And anyway, what is the point of reviewing movies based on biblical admonitions anyway?

"Thou shalt not make [...] any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." Exodus 20, Verse 4

Sounds to me that if you take this passage literally (as, of course, the folks at CAP surely do), then every movie ever made that is not simply abstract geometric forms is breaking the second commandment.

histrogeek said...

I especially like that at least half the issues were because of the villains' actions (including the snake eating a person which is probably what the animal thing was all about). So say The Diary of Anne Frank would be bad because it "advocates" lying and killing Jews (to say nothing of the icky sex parts).
Presumably the point of this is to protect tender minds from believing evil things are acceptable. I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone who would be attracted to the Death Eaters, unless they were serious douches already. I'm sure that my 4 year old would get that LV is not someone to emulate. (He hasn't seen the Potter films because witches and ghosts scare the crap out of him.)

Scott said...

Anon -- thanks. I'd forgotten the quick shot of Fleur as Harry, shirtless but still wearing a bra and muttering miserably, "Bill, don't look at me, I'm hideous."

KWillow said...

I saw the DVD a week or so ago for the 1st time. I think the Christmas-without-Jesus was wrong. There is a scene where Harry and Hermy wander thru a church graveyard around midnight, looking at graves and listening to people singing hymns inside (the church). I think. Then an old lady turns into a snake or something...I didn't get that part.

Anonymous said...

Oh, males in female underwear-I wonder if Pastor Carder has reviewed "Some Like it Hot"?

You know who I miss? That woman with the mushroom cap hair.

Anonymous said...

----ChildCare Action Project (not quite sure why Care is capitalized rather than hyphenated----

He just forgot the ChildCare™

The hyphenlessocity is so darn hip dontchaknow. And these guys are so darn desperate to appear hip dontchaknow.

Aloha,
Pookapooka

heydave said...

I'm interested in what movies he would approve of. Not interested enough in going through his craptastic web site, but just wondering.

Chris Vosburg said...

Offense to God

[sigh] There he is, folks: Him What Done It All, thin-skinned drama queen with His shit-ledger of people who say mean things about Him.

I don't know whether to laugh or pray.

Chris Vosburg said...

suggestive eye movement

How about suggestive mouth movement?

[laughing] In the first Harry Potter movie, Hermione (poor Emma Watson, in her first movie role) was caught mouthing other actors' lines in a scene with Harry and the, uh, frog-lipped kid.

Bonus Emma Watson quote:

I love fashion. I think it's so important, because it's how you show yourself to the world.

Chris Vosburg said...

Look, I'm sure she's very nice, but people who make this much money deserve to have a pin stuck in them:

Acting never was about the money for me.

--Adherent of the craft Emma Watson (Thirty Million Dollars for the last two Harry Potter performances)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, she sounds like a 19 year old to me. Imagine that.

Base clay made to move without the spark of the Almighty

Wallace & Gromit are the antichrist!!!!11!!!

Stacia said...

people who make this much money deserve to have a pin stuck in them

I look forward to your comprehensive list of individual insults for each and every rich person in the world.

This is too good not to share: My word verification is "menses."

Lucy The Wonder Dog said...

"Offense to God (O) - Zero out of 100 ... evil sounds with tissue decay"

I'm trying to wrap my mind around this but I think it's going to require a stapler or duct tape.

Chris Vosburg said...

Yeah, I deserved that, and am well rebuked, Stacia. [whispered: The deadly sin for today is: envy {ding}].

KWillow said...

What about the "Booze, repeatedly" ??

I can't recall anyone drinking "booze" in the movie. Maybe at the wedding?

Or is Polyjuice made with vodka?

Liz said...

Too good not to share: in discussing why it's not okay for films to depict sinful behavior even if the purpose is to caution against it, the CAP guy says: "And if sinful behaviors in movies are used to teach then one risks 1) condoning the sins of the one demonstrating the sinful behavior and 2) teaching the one being taught how to behave how to misbehave. In other words, using demonstrations of misbehavior in and as entertainment to teach children (which includes at-home teens) not how to behave may instead teach them how to not behave."

You wouldn't want to teach children "how to not behave" instead of "not how to behave."

Scott said...

K: Exactly. Other than the self-filling champagne coupes at the wedding, I can't think of any additional boozing. Perhaps Thomas counts each glass visible onscreen as a separate instance of dipsomania.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

HOLY SHIT!!! I CAN POST A COMMENT AGAIN!!!!!!

I dunno what you did, Scott, but it WORKED!!!

If I am ever allowed/enabled to SLEEP again, thanks to a certifiably-insane/hissy-fitting-like-a-fucking-three-year-old Professional Drug Dealer/"Pain Management Doctor" (both (R) & (C) to Eli Lilly, Pfizer & Blackwater) totally CLUSTERFUCKING THE REST OF MY LIFE AND MAKING SURE THAT I'LL NEVER ACTUALLY LIE DOWN TO ACTUALLY SLEEP, EVER THE FUCK *AGAIN,*, I've got boodles of comments that I've been saving and sending to Scott that I can now post on the blog, as soon as I get a working brain cell around here somewhere...

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKKKKKKK......heh heh heh...

Rebuscado said...

Did they review Mel Bigson's The Passion of Christ?

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

DAMMIT@!@!!!! I cut out half of the comment I'd writen in reply to Rebuscado's query, 'cause it was TOO LONG, and of COURSE fucking BLOGGER "LOST" IT, and all I have left is the back half, which makes no sense without the first half.

I'm back, and I've missed y'all terribly, but Blogger can STILL suck a fart outta my ass AND suck my euphemistic cock!!!

Scott said...

Whoo hoo! Annti can post again. It's about time.

Rebuscado: Yes, Thomas did indeed review The Passion, and he sadly had to ding it for violence, because it wasn't actually Jesus who was being scourged on screen, but just some actor. Also, he gave it an R because people drank wine. In a BIBLE story! The nerve. But overall, he couldn't have been more pleased with the Golgothery and the veil-rending, and summed it all up with these thoughts:

"A clever fellow indeed, this Mel Gibson. Welcome to the Bride, my brother in Christ."

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

^^^ "...my brother in Christ."

If THAT'S what Jeebus' in-laws are like... BLAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! HEEEEEEAVE!!!! GAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!"

Aw, man... anybody see my toenails around here?

Rebuscado said...

I invested (?) some time and read some of the reviews, including the one about The Passion of Christ. What a bunch of crap!!

Two high (?) notes:
-In one review Thomas says something on the lines of "I'm on such a financial stress right now that I won't write a review, just look at the grading" (it seems that watching porn doesn't pay too much)

-In the review of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" Thomas states that his PG-13 rating, when compared with the MPAA's original R rating, shows how our moral standards are going down. This is a rather surprising statement, since Thomas already stated that his CAP Model is based on the immutable moral of The Bible. Moreover, if this review teaches something, it is that the MPAA's rating system allows them to give a raunchy movie an R without counting "occurrences" of some specific acts or situations.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Anybody who doesn't absofuckinglutely ADORE RHPS/RHS ***AND*** Frank is a soulless, worthless pile of Anita Bryant.

(If you need a reference for that one, see the "Audience Par-Ti-Ci-{say it!}-PATION Album", in-between "Sweet Transvestite" and the big reveal up in the lab. Ignore Columbia's/Little Nell's nasal "American" accent and listen to the brilliantly bitchy queens in the West Village theater where they taped this back in the late '70s... you will pee yerself laughing, or at least THINK that you're going to pee yerself laughing.)