Saturday, July 16, 2011

Won't Someone Think Of The Children (As A Blunt Instrument)?

 We haven't talked much about Dave Blount before now, despite his rather fruitful and peripatetic career as a wingnut polemicist, largely because we haven't wanted to blow his secret identity.  As Moonbattery, he leads a secret life as a champion of the perpetually aggrieved-feeling, fighting back against impudent blackamoors and cultural barbarians with borrowed Photoshopped images and arch homophobia.  Also that scary voice he effects when some cornered malefactor drizzles the remains of his courage down his inner thigh and squeakily demands to know "Who are you?!" and Blount yanks him close -- close enough that the quaking victim can feel the heat coming from his unblinking, laser-like gaze, and smell the lingering aroma of Horsey sauce from a recent Bacon, Beef 'n' Chedder Roast Beef sandwich on his upper lip -- as he grows, "I'm Moonbattery!"*

But Dave has adorned his blog with a self-portrait, and regularly posts on Right Wing News under this own name, so clearly he's burst out of the closet and is now committing assault and moonbattery in broad daylight.  In this week's episode, he's combating sodomites who are threatening to cut off the Vatican's access to their most vital resource: the ability to make orphans suffer because someone, somewhere is having butt sex.
Homosexual Agenda Used to Close Catholic Adoption Services

The obscene travesty of homosexual “marriage” is a priority for liberals not only because undermining holy matrimony helps corrode the family...

(Now here I must differ with Mr. Moonbattery.  Recently, when Mary and I became concerned about the amount of rust and corrosion on our family, we called around to various local contractors, and got a terrific estimate from a gay couple in West Hollywood; and not only did they zinc-plate our marriage for a very reasonable price, they galvanized our cats for free.  In fact, I was so satisfied, that I'm thinking of having my in-laws seal-coated for their anniversary.
...but because it creates a powerful legal weapon to be used against another of the few remaining roadblocks on the road to totalitarianism, the Catholic Church.
When you're looking for someone to defend freedom of conscience and fight rigid, authoritarian hierarchies that demand unquestioning obedience, who's the first guy you think of?  The Pope, natch.
The state that gave us Barack Hussein Obama shows how it works:
The state has declined to renew its foster care and adoption contracts with Catholic Charities across Illinois, possibly ending a historic partnership initiated by the Roman Catholic Church a half-century ago and potentially severing the relationship between nearly 2,000 foster children and their caseworkers. …
In letters sent last week to Catholic Charities in the dioceses of Peoria, Joliet and Springfield and Catholic Social Services of Southern Illinois, the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services said the state could not accept their signed contracts for the 2012 fiscal year. Each letter said funding was declined because “your agency has made it clear that it does not intend to comply with the Illinois Religious Freedom Protection and Civil Union Act,” which the state says requires prospective parents in civil unions to be treated the same as married couples.
That is, the Church is expected to place vulnerable kids in the hands of cohabitating homosexuals. This has entailed children being used as sex toys.
And threatened depletion of the Vatican's Strategic Jailbait Reserve.
If it’s this bad now, imagine the situation after Illinois imposes state-sanctioned homosexual “marriage” as in New York, where Archbishop Timothy Dolan warns that a redefinition of marriage to allow for multiple sex partners is coming next. 
That would be this Timothy Dolan, who also predicted that passing marriage equality in New York would turn the United States into North Korea, and eventually reduce our rump civilization into a chaotic failed state on the order of the UK or Canada.

Now, given that the Catholic Church has been promoting ritual cannibalism for two millennia,  I guess it should come as no surprise that Archbishop Dolan also practices the dark art of fortune-telling.  But if I'm going to have reasonable confidence in his predictions about the coming of multiple sex partners (sorry), I'd like to know a little more about his methods of forecasting.  Does he prefer Tarot cards?  Ceromancy, the divining of patterns in melting wax?  Perhaps he's a practitioner of gastromancy, or "stomach-based ventriloquism," in which the dead speak through farts and gas pains?

Hmm...that last bit sounded kind of harsh.  I hope Mr. Moonbattery doesn't accuse me of arguing in bad faith and engaging in an ad hominem.
Pat Quinn carries on the Illinois tradition of governors who exude slime from every pore:
Quinn, a practicing Catholic, reiterated his support of the civil union law and the state’s decision to sever ties with Catholic Charities.
No one who supports the homosexual or abortion agendas is a Catholic in any meaningful sense. To preserve its integrity, the Church has an obligation to excommunicate backstabbing advocates of degeneracy like Nancy Pelosi and Quinn.
Nope.  Looks like I'm safe.
Just as the homosexual agenda is destroying Catholic adoption agencies, the abortion agenda can close Catholic hospitals.
As can the Archbishop's habit of scavenging through bins of medical waste in order to finds entrails that will help him foretell the future of proposed legislation in Albany.
The Church has two choices: stand for what’s right, in which case Big Government will denounce it as politically incorrect and break its legs with “civil rights” laws shoved through by the militant homosexual and abortion lobbies; or knuckle under and participate in the depravity, in which case it will rot away and deservedly disappear.
Well, there's a third choice.  The Archdiocese of Chicago stopped providing foster services back in 2007 after they lost a lawsuit over child abuse, and no insurance company would touch them, so, you know, that's a viable option.
It’s a win-win situation for liberals. Too bad for the cause of “social justice” that their Soviet forebears didn’t think of this line of attack against John Paul II.
The Soviets could have won the Cold War with civil rights laws, if only they'd hired homosexuals to scatter fetuses around the lobby of the Vatican so the Pope would slip on an abortion and break his legs.

I bet Gorbachev feels like the perfect ass right now.

*For the record: I realize that "Moonbattery" refers not to the author of the blog, but its subjects.  Call it my contribution to the growing body of "aptly named World O' Crap" literature.

22 comments:

D. Sidhe said...

Hey, you know what my partner and I have not done? We haven't molested anyone. Not children, not teenagers-who-were-not-adolescents-and-therefore-it's-really-their-fault, not the mentally ill or disabled, not even housewives who are worried they will literally go to hell if they say no to us.

When the Catholic church can say the same thing, they can lecture us about our morality. Until then, they can STFU.

As for this fuckwit... Our new vet checked our two remaining cats' teeth today and explained casually that they were both fine, and that the younger one is only about two, so she shouldn't really need any dental care yet anyway, they look great. You may recall that last September, the Bad Vet managed to kill the younger cat's littermate by walking out of the room for several minutes while putting him under for a teeth cleaning session and not noticing that he stopped breathing. At that time, the Bad Vet had said that all of the cats were going to need their teeth cleaned in the next couple months anyway, but let's start with Tora.

So: I have a powerful urge to kick someone in the balls today, have had all day. And here's this guy, volunteering. Serendipity is not just a kids' book!

Look, I don't know if being gay is a choice, though I do know being Catholic is a choice, I've been ExPapist for decades now and I can promise you Wayne Besen is never going to catch me in a rectory eyeing the rosaries. I'm starting to suspect, though, that being an asshole is a way of life for some people.

But even if it's remotely possible that gay parents make for gay adopted kids (and the evidence is that it really has no fucking influence one way or another), and therefore we can't let gay parents adopt, I'm going to be arguing that Catholic parents who adopt kids are unduly influencing them too, in a way that sure as hell has been known to lead to kids being used as sex toys.

Call me a judgmental bastard, but making these arguments in defense of the Catholic Church would be worth a smiting if there really was a just and omniscient god.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

AMEN, D.!!!!!!

All I gotta say is that if just passing a coupla little ol' laws is all it takes to bring the UNholy Roman Vampire crumbling to dust in the daylight, then BRING 'EM ON!!!

MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!

Oh, to see Pope Chupacabra on an Italian or Austrian streetcorner, begging for alms in his $5,000 red shoes... couldn't make me happier than that, unless we could take down Cheney and all of the Nixonite/Reaganite/Bushbrains as well... A woman can dream, can't she?

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

P.S. Helluva post, Scott. Will never understand how your body can tolerate reading all of the illiteracy and bigotry and idiocy that it takes to sift through the acres of morons that you & S.Z. do, but y'all surely have stronger constitutions than I do. I'd be puking fucking blood EVERY day with THAT shit!

melior said...

Yes I'm being followed by a Moon-batt'ry
Moon-batt'ry, moonbatt'ry

And if I ever break its legs
With "civil rights" laws shoved right thru
If I ever break its legs
The church won't come running to me

Anonymous said...

Hey, Annti, I'm so glad to see you here again. This place has been a Desert, a veritable Cultural Desert without you. I mean, we have Scott and Mary and D and Bill and Chris and lil and lark and.. oh, OK, but you have been missed.
Rant on, sister.
Suezboo

D. Sidhe said...

Hey, how'd you fix it, guys? Last I heard Annti couldn't post. Oops, that reminds me, I never did finish my The Pudding Will Give You A Reason To Frown story.

*backs quietly out of the room*
Pretend I wasn't here.

Scott said...

You know D., I've been wondering how that whole story ended, but I didn't want to be a pudding-pusher.

StickItBlog said...

I'm going to be arguing that Catholic parents who adopt kids are unduly influencing them too, in a way that sure as hell has been known to lead to kids being used as sex toys.

Preach it D.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Awwwwwww... you guyyyyzzzzzz!!!!!! Make an old hag blush, whydontcha. I missed y'all so much!!! It feels so good to be HOME!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

And uh, what's with the pudding? What did I miss, or dare I ask that which shalt not be named?

BTW, I have no fucking IDEA what changed or how or who or what happened when, I just know that Scott was bending over backwards, trying everything, and we were both pulling our hair out over it, and then POOF! suddenly I had a "Post A Comment" BOX, instead of just an unlinkable line of text that said "Post Said Fucking Comment BUTCHA CAN'T!!!!! NYEEEH-NYEH-NEENER-NEENER!!!" or something to that effect.
Personally, I think that this whole thing had ,to do with Sheri's C.I.A. connections, they've finally had enough of me publicly plotting to dissemble the cyborg Darth Cheney, and wanted to shut me the fuck up. And since I've been chemically and physically unable to do SHIT on my own blog, this was my only other outlet. So let's take S.Z.'s silence on the matter as a good sign and not ask TOO many questions, n'est-ce pas?

Anonymous said...

According to Wikipedia, Eskimos have a tradition of ventriloquism for ritual or religious purposes; the Zulus, Eskimo, and Māori are all adept at this practice. Sarah, don’t pull that Eskimo's finger !

Li'l Innocent said...

Hey, Annti, welcome back to WOCland! Nobody rouses my rabble more outrageously than you and D! And if it's OK for a mere exProtestant - who was rescued from trad religion by a free-thinking stepdad at age 8 - to chip in, I'm impressed by your rant, too. Courage, is what you've got. My own stream of consciousness ran up against that stupid, hateful-kneejerk bit about foster kids being placed with "cohabiting homosexuals" which would "entail" children becoming "sex toys". Oh, of course. Such a thing would never, could never happen with cohabiting heterosexuals.

Seems to me that a gay pair living together on a permanent basis and presenting themselves honestly as a couple desiring parenthood to the adoption authority would be as good a bet for the welfare of the child as a corresponding 2-sex pair.

But somehow I don't think the actual real life well-being of actual breathing kids in need of love and stability from adults is the true concern of Lay Brother Blount.

PS - Suezboo, very nice of you to mention me in the same breath with D and Bill and all. That is, if it was me you meant! Cause I hardly ever say anything funny.

PPS - How about the end of that pudding story, eh? Eh?

Brian Schlosser said...

You know, I was just thinking the other day about how "moonbat" seems to have been deprecated amongst the wingnuts of late, having been supplanted by "libtard". I'm glad to see that someone still care enough to call us by that delightfully pointless and random name.

Also: I shall add my voice to the chorus shouting "Welcome back Annti!" :D

Christopher said...

Yes, Polygamy, as practiced by thoroughly modern radicals such as King Solomon, and sanctioned by noted communist manifestos such as Deuteronomy.

You know, I get it, religion is complicated, and even I as an atheist understand the broad strokes of why Christians aren't supposed to still do all the crazy shit Deuteronomy tells them to.

But for fuck's sake, shouldn't you at least address the issue a little bit?

heydave said...

Makes one want to pick up and yield a blount instrument on that asshat.

Chris Vosburg said...

A heads up for you all: After mercifully stuffing a sock in it for six weeks or so, former licensed psychotherapist Robin of Berkeley returns to comedy relief yapping in an American Thinker piece Wednesday.

According to her blog, this'll be about "racial issues", which I suspect means the BLACK CRIME WAVE! story that the rest of the rightwing blogosphere embarrassed themselves with last week, or perhaps the THUGS WHO BEAT KENNETH GLADNEY NEARLY TO DEATH SKATE! story which the right wing blogosphere embarassed themselves with the week before.

Always timely, that Robin.

Jay B. said...

but because it creates a powerful legal weapon to be used against another of the few remaining roadblocks on the road to totalitarianism, the Catholic Church.

Holy Hitler's Pope that's funny.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Oh, Li'l Innocent, you do flatter me so... but a big hearty ay-fuckin'-MENNN!!! for everything that you said about the utter FUCKTARDEDNESS of NOT letting GLBT singles or pairs to ADOPT KIDS WHO ***NEED*** constructive, loving adults in their lives!!!!!!

My own alleged spawner, aka teh Fallen Uterus, formerly known as Teh Beastmaster, was adopted, and the original too-evil-to-be-believed BAD SEED (if you haven't seen the original B/W movie, DO. Damned near BIOGRAPHICAL!!!) NEVER ONCE appreciated a SINGLE FUCKING THING that my baptist-equivalent-of-sainted grandparents ever did for her hateful fucking ass. When I think of all the times that doctors *and* THE ADOPTION AGENCY tried to get my grandmother to TRADE HER IN ON A "NORMAL" KID, and she FOUGHT 'EM TO THE TEETH AND FANGS over that brat... I wish that I had a time machine to go back and try to skeer some of the devotion outta my Nannie, 'cause she sure as hell deserved better than THAT, as did my Papa. Yeah, I know, I'd theoretically negate my existence, but BFD.

***ANYFUCKINGWAY***: FACT: 96.9% of all CAUGHT & CONVICTED (we'll never know who go unreported, either out of fear, "family" dynamics, or PIGS WHO REFUSE TO ENFORCE THE LAW AGAINST A *WHITE MAN* {direct redneck fucktard quote} FOR A NON-BREEDING, NEVER-MARRIED BITCH LIKE ME) 96.9% of all caught & convicted child molesters are WHITE, MIDDLE-CLASS, ALLEGEDLY-HETERO ***MALES***. At least half of THEM are married with spawn, who may or may not be their favorite victims, depending on individual sociopathic tendencies. The other 3.1% are women of several different colors, with and without their own spawn or massah, though the split may have wavered a few percentage points since I last looked-up the stats. Shove THAT down a republicunt's throat as they're blathering about how "teh queerz"/"teh dykes"/pick-an-epithet (nobody believes that bisexuals actually EXIST, so they don't pick on us as much, at least not to our faces....) are going to MOLEST and/or "TURN" teh innocent chirrens into MORE QUEERZ/DYKES/TRANNIES/ETC., which would just be UNBEARABLY FUCKING ***AWFUL***, dontcha know!??!!

That line of thought cost me a radio gig in bumfuck, Mississippi, lo, those many moons ago, as the big uproar in Bumfuck that week was that a bunch of hippie-dippie LESBIANS (EEK! They're so... so... EMASCULATING, those sinful HUSSIES!!!) had bought land to build their own nudist colony.

And of course, the giant pimple-on-legs across the console from me, Bumfuck's idea of a "morning show," AUTOMATICALLY WENT THERE WITH IT. I shit you not. YES, there are a lot of women who abuse children, Hi, I'm yer local poster child, but not SEXUALLY (or at least not always directly... can you say "PIMP"?), and guess how the predators define themselves? HETERO OWNED/MARRIED BREEEEEEEDERRRSSS. Just under "too much stress" at the moment, and the three-year-old was a handy punching bag or old tire to be thrown to the four winds and captured/turned-out to whomever wants a personal slave.

(Cont'd due to verbal diarrhea...)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(end of shit-fit...)

I was actually making a DENT with the AUDIENCE, as several semi-intelligent/truly-intelligent people called in to AGREE WITH ME, and the zit's response was, of course, him being a childless loser asshole whom NO woman would touch, even for free concert tickets --- "BUT DON'T YOU CARE/WORRY ABOUT TEH ***CHILLLLLLLLRENNNNNN***??!??!?!!"

And I'm the one who didn't get the gig.

Granted, we ARE talking about a decades-away-from-the-digital-transition p.o.s. radio station with no budget in Bumfuck, Mizzippi, but it ain't like teh "Good Christian Bigot Class-Warfare Mouth-Breathing Fucktards" of Louisiana are any better or really, even that different. Well, they probably cook better, but they prolly also use Miracle Whip and Velveeta.

Sorry to have commandeered the thread, but it's the only way I know how, hyperlexic fucktard that I am, to show that I empathize in re: the frustration of dealing with UTTER MOUTH-BREATHING, KNUCKLE-DRAGGING, SELFISH, FEAR-MONGERING **FUCKTARDS** of teh GOOD Xian REICH WING, from deep in the crotch of teh Bibul/Babel Belt. The one good thing, thus far, aside from fabulous P/Ts who are WAY the fuck across town, is that while I am smothered/assaulted on a daily basis with the last allowable bigotries, teh OUTRIGHT HATRED of the so-called "christians" of the neighborhood, like they needed ANOTHER reason to hate this "honky" (yes, Redd Foxx is still dead, that's the other side of my duplex shotgun-ish "housing") bitch --- neighbors aside, when I get into the City Proper, I DON'T HAVE TO ***DEAL*** WITH THAT SHIT, even in religious-affiliated hospitals anymore. THEM DAYS IS OVER. Never again will I awaken immediately after spine surgery, with NOSFERATU, in all his 400 years' glory, swathed in that Nehru collar, leaning over my bed, hissing and frothing at the mouth, ready to POUNCE, exactly as I am screeching from sedation into brick-wall "REALITY." And yes, there are anecdotes, but I'll spare y'all for now; I've prolly shared it too many times already. Again, please forgive my self-indulgent blathering, I'm so fucking happy to be HOME again, I just can't shut the fuck up, sorry.

Jay B., I dunno if I know you yet or not, but I am SO fucking stealing "Holy Hitler's Pope"!!!!!!

Brian, we might be new friends (I R SENILE) but I do appreciate your genuinely appreciated bit o' welcoming me home to the best crappy world in our galaxy.

Heydave: Sharp, taciturn, perfect comedic brevity as always, a big hearty AY-MENN and can I carry your ammo, mah brutha?

And, lastly, again, to any and all who have opened their arms and their hearts to me, to welcome me back to Wo'C, I can't properly describe HOW MUCH it means to me, but if y'all had endured the past four days (& 13.5 YEARS!) of my med-deprived life (as evil as teh drugz R & as much as I hate them, until this shit gets FIXED, finally and FOR ALL, I can't fucking go 15 minutes without wanting to rip every flaming joint from my body, hardware and all, with my own talons, just to make it STOP STOP STOPPPPP when I don't HAVE the evil shit --- a bathtub full of ice ain't as much fun as it sounds...), you would be teary-eyed as I am right now. It'll take me a day or two to return to resembling "human," as I'm at "lumbering biped" now, but in the meantime, please know that I do truly appreciate and reciprocate your warm and wunnerful words. Sorry, hate to sound like American Greetings on sale @ Dollar Tree, but I hope that it rings true, despite the nauseating blah blah blah...

I don't do this shit often, so savor it like I am.

XOXOXO

(Security word, I shit y'all not: "PRIESTS"!!!!!!) Ah-ha-ha-HEM. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Fucking character limits: The one thing ABOUT BEING BACK IN NEW ORLEANS, duh duh duh doi doi DOI DUMMMMM.

And why, even now, all these years later, DO THE FUCKING HTML TAGS REFUSE, flat-out fucking REBEL against OBEYING MY FUCKING TAG COMMANDS?!?!?!?!?

D., honey, do you have a voodoo doll handy? Anybody? What would a voodoo doll of HTML code look like anyway? If somebody can lift teh curse for me, I'd be EVER so grateful... I'd even put you/y'all on the Mormon-proof list, and any missionaries who appear on yer doorstep, trying to force their way into a house with a single woman inside, YOU'LL KNOW THAT I DIDN'T SEND 'EM!!!!!! Not much consolation, I know, but at least it won't be PERSONAL, eh?

Shutting the fuck up now, promise. Ain't MY fault that character limits help further fuck-up the scrambled eggs that I call a brain.

P.S. If Murdoch/NoCock gets busted, I ***SO*** call dibs on dancing nekkid in the streets, pissing on his grave, and generally causing rioting and joyous idiocy in the streets.

If the Danziger Bridge genocidal-cop-pigs trial goes wrong, like the Anna Pou Medicaid Murderer "trial" and the St. Rita's Only Leave The MEDICAID Patients Behind To DROWN IN THEIR FUCKING SUB-PAR ***BEDS*** did (moved venues to secure/guarantee ALL-WHITE/REDNECK/CRACKER JURIES who'd empathize with the poor, overwhelmed RACIST GENOCIDAL CUM-CATCHERS!!!! I tried like ALLLLL FUCKING HELL to get on the St. Rita's trial, but as the D.A. up in West Redneckistan has "known" me for 30+ years, I WAS BARRED FROM THE ENTIRE COURTHOUSE.) --- if those murderous pigs (shot a mentally-disabled man, UTTERLY UNARMED, IN THE FUCKING *BACK*!!!!!!) *don't* go to Angola State Penn, at the very least, count on New Orleans going up in flames, but not in the poor neighborhoods like they did in L.A., we'll be heading uptown to torch the EXPENSIVE/DOCTORS'/LAWYERS'/STOCK-BROKER-THIEVES' gated klan chapters/"communities." (The only people that the NOPD actually "SERVE AND PROTECT," as in, protecting the rich FROM US)

I am *NOT* PLANNING any criminal activities, mind y'all, just saying, keep yer eyes & ears open. And pray that the drought don't head this way.

HMDK said...

"Holy Hitler's Pope that's funny."

Especially since Hitler was Catholic!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Y'ever notice how much that short, swarthy, talentless dork RESEMBLED the people whom he slaughtered? Gypsies, Jews, GAYS, all the theoretical & superficial opposites of the "Aryan Ideal."

And teh Vatican-loving midget, too.

They've still got every single dime and priceless work of art that the SS stole from every genocide victim's home, stashed in their own little tiny country there, with those SWISS GUARDS, y'know. How conveeeeeeenient.

And, oh, yeah, their DIOCESES will "go bankrupt" from the child-raping lawsuits. Riiiiiight. And I'm an anorexic ballerina astronaut teenager.