Thursday, September 8, 2011

Deathbed Confession

My apologies for the lack of posts this week, but I've been down with the Spanish Influenza, or the Burmese Dropsy, or the Zanzibar Grippe; anyhow, some bug that feels potent enough to reduce the workforce of a major civil engineering project, something on the order of the canal across the Isthmus of Panama, say, or the trestle over the Tsavo, or the Bridge to Terabithia.  Unfortunately, this was also the week when Mary started back at school, so she's not available to post llama pictures.

I'm feeling a bit better today, and hope to get back to blogging shortly.  In the meantime, this photo desperately needs a caption, and I was thinking we could make it a fun group activity, like a barn-raising, or a quilting bee, or the tar-and-feathering of a tinhorn gambler discovered with two Jacks in his sleeve garter.  I'll get the ball rolling...
Flustered by the newsreel cameras in his hospital room, Billy accidentally asks the homicidal dummy from Dead of Night to hit a home run for him.

24 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

Little Cletus tries to decide whom he should fake-shoot first, the frightening dummy or the ventriloquist figure.

Same woman, different figure?

Teddy Salad said...

"Johnny doesn't really hear voices from stuff made out of wood, does he Bosco?"

heydave said...

The poor dying child needed to know that death was not the thing to be most feared.

round guy said...

Effective abstinence education.

D. Sidhe said...

I have just the thing to perk you up....

http://mediamatters.org/blog/201109080017

Terry said...

Billy, darling, this is Lil' Ricky Good Hair! He'll be responsible for your execution if you fail to heal yourself with your bootstraps!

Alex said...

Billy, honey? Remember Daddy and I telling you about "arranged marriages"?

Jay B. said...

First polio and now this?

Li'l Innocent said...

You guys are sick (in a good way).

Supra-head: Photo Op Trumps Ani-meowsity
Head (Goudy ExtraBold, 36 pts): Young Patient Set to Leave Hospital Soon after Visit from Gov. Palin AND Rep. Michele Bachmann

Li'l Innocent said...

and additionally: hope you're feeling really better really soon, Scott.

Anonymous said...

"Here's your new brother, Martin! His name is David. I adopted him while you were in cryo-stasis."

Dr.BDH

Brian Schlosser said...

"Billy's smile felt as false as that on the hideous figure facing him. His finger moved slowly towards the trigger of his rifle. He knew he would only have one shot. His muscles tensed. This was it. Soon he would be free.

A moment later, the shot rang out. His mother's body hit the floor, with a neat, blue-rimmed hole in her forehead. Finally, it was over. He and Mrs Birchbottom would be together.

Forever."

Brian Schlosser said...

@Dr BDH: HA! I just got that on BluRay... It seems the Spielberg Embargo on HighDef is ending...

Scott: Feel better! And for the next photo caption, you should post some images from the Thematic Apperception Test...

Larkspur said...

"Well, Mommy, you certainly seem to be thinking happy thoughts. Shall I put it the corn field now?"

Kordo said...

heydave and Brian, neck and neck. Terry's was great, too.
Hope you feel better soon, scott.
Thank you, D. Sidhe, I would have missed that review if not for your link to it. Breathtaking. Give the Right credit; they've successfully monetized masturbation. I wish I'd thought of that when I was in high school...
I think they're at war with comedy itself. They'll make themselves so ridiculous that any possible gag will just turn out to be a re-statement of observable fact, and then what will you snarky bastards have to work with? Nothing! Hahahahaha...
Gotta go with Jay B's, though. Brevity being the soul of wit, an' all.

Nameless Cynic said...

"Well, Billy, you remember how we told you that mechanization might very well phase out some obsolete positions? You know we weren't just talking about factory workers, right?"

Nameless Cynic said...

The early models of Real Dolls still needed some work. Fortunately for Tommy, the pedophile market wasn't nearly as picky.

Carl said...

Zanzibar Grippe

Kamala used that to take the title from Jesse Ventura...

"Johnny, I've bought along everyone's favorite puppet, Drag Queen Arnold. She'd like to discuss same sex marriage."

preznit said...

Is that a Red Ryder BB Gun in your bathrobe or are you just happy to see me?

Bill the Splut said...

"Wait...you're my mommy?!"

"Well, you certainly didn't think that this cold and unfeeling puppet you've lived with all your life with was your mommy, now did you?"

"...so you ARE my mommy, block of carved wood!"

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

M.Bouffant: If I told you the horrifying parallels between the variances in the two photos and the baclofen-induced horrors of Thursday night a week ago, you wouldn't believe me, but you'd be as horrified as I am right now, having just seen the "alternate" view. {{{{{{{Shuddering like all fuck!!!}}}}}}

Jealous as hell of you all, brilliant gut-busters on every occasion, can't pick a "favorite." Well done.

Not going to try to attempt brevity and/or humor, as I've already blown the doors off of that motherfucker. Adieu. And get the hell better, Scott! Beeejeeeezus. Only person more be-plagued than myself, I swear... oh, shit, lapsing into redneck, better shut the fuck up NOW.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

P.S. Like my life isn't fun ENOUGH, motherFUCKING GOOGLE just fucking DELETED MY FUCKING PASSWORD!!!!!! Took me ten fucking wasted minutes JUST TO PUT UP THAT COMMENT. Those are some severely-evil motherfuckers. Imagine how many hits that THEY got today... it'll make you wanna hurl.

Teddy Salad said...

"And this is what happens to little boys who stay too long at the hospital."

Unknown said...

Well before founding Playboy Hugh Hefner was known to use a doll as his wingman when trying to pick up older women.