Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Get Bushed!

I'm a bit of a homebody and rarely attend Events, so I'm not quite sure how I ended up on Eventful's mailing list.  I will, if the occasion demands and I'm feeling dressy, attend an Affair; and I have been known, if rarely, to glad-hand my way around the odd Happening (although I have stopped hosting my own Happenings, as painful experience has shown that they freak me out), but I'm not easily seduced by Events, especially Mega-Events.

Nevertheless, I opened my email this morning and the first thing I saw was Eventful.com screaming at me: "Don't Miss Laura Bush at the Staples Center!"  This led to a moment of pre-coffee confusion, because a lot of Eventful's events (at least the ones I hear about) are concert performances by lesser known troubadours and troubadesses, fringe comics, or theatrical productions of the off- and off-off Broadway type.  So naturally, I assumed Laura was getting away from George and his obsessive herbicidal tendencies (it's one thing to incessantly clear brush on the ranch as a means of avoiding intimacy, but it's a different matter in the tony Dallas suburb in which they now live, because the trees and shrubs are stately and mature, and when his Weedwhacker proves impotent he'll often get sullen and pouty), taking her act on the road, and performing her One Woman Show, "I Ran Over a Man in Midland, Just to Watch Him Die."

Sadly, she's just part of an itinerant Business Seminar, but it's an impressive line-up, sort of the Cream or Traveling Wilburys of motivational speaker tours.
Bill Cosby!  Colin Powell!  Joe Montana!  General Stanley McChrystle!  Rudy Giuliani!  The woman who invented the All-Meat Breakfast Buffet!
At this workshop you will learn:
  • Cutting-Edge Business Skills
  • Relationship & Personal Development
  • Goal Achievement
  • Wealth-Building Strategies
  • And Much, More More!
Naturally, I couldn't resist a sales pitch like this, so I clicked through and discovered this sales pitch was designed to sell a seminar teaching you how to craft and deliver a sales pitch, presumably so you could then pitch people on taking your seminar which offers to sell them pitches they can use in making sales.  Frankly, Get Motivated ought to replace their current logo (a stylized masochist leaping for joy as he's whipped with a Red Vine) with Ouroboros, because after reading their sales pitch pitching sales pitches, I couldn't get the taste of snake-ass out of my mouth.

Let's see how each speaker uses his own unique experience and expertise to motivate people who are trying to overcome the depressing thought that they are now $225 poorer.
Bill Cosby is one of the most popular entertainers of our time. "The Cos" has been making America laugh for decades. In his side-splitting session, you'll discover the master keys to using humor to create agreement, close the deal and advance in your career.
In Cosby's trademark style, he will explain how the seemingly nonsensical lyrics to "Hikky Burr," the theme song of his 1969-71 sitcom, were actually a secret message to the reptoid Illuminati, volunteering his services (literary translated, "Hikky Burr" means "I’d like to remind you that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in your underground sugar caves").  The Global Elite ultimately accepted The Cos's offer, and from the mid-80s to the early 90s, he would appear on television each week in a different sweater, whose hideous and incomprehensible patterns were designed to convey coded data to the Queen Mother.
Lou Holtz RENOWNED NOTRE DAME HEAD COACH. He will show you:
  • How to Turn Workplace Stress into Gridiron Success
[Note:  The Management will not provide refunds to customers who may later discover they don't work on a gridiron, or whose bosses may object to them spiking their optical mouse after completing a particularly complex spreadsheet.]

General Colin Powell
World-Famous Soldier Statesman

Colin Powell is one of the most distinguished and admired men in America.
Hm.  That seems like less of a sales pitch, and more of a beanball thrown directly at the head.
As a four-star General, chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Secretary of State Gen. Powell has experienced leadership at the highest levels. 
Not that anybody actually told him anything.  At least, nothing that might make him an accessory.
Gen. Powell shows you precisely what it takes to be a leader, providing strategies for "taking charge" during times of great change.
This sounds familiar.  I believe I already sat through this seminar when it was given by another general -- Al Haig, I think, or Augusto Pinochet.
He will show you:
  • How to Improve Processes, Organizations and People
  • How to Remain Focused in Crisis
  • How to Forge Winning Alliances [Don't forget Poland!]
  • Keys to Creating Diplomatic Solutions
 So if you've ever wondered how far a crack vial full of Arm & Hammer and a PowerPoint presentation featuring blurry images of weaponized Good Humor trucks can take you, the answer is:  the Los Angeles Staples Center, and the Citizens Business Bank Arena in Ontario, California (For One Night Only!).

Krish Dhanam
Top Sales Expert

Krish Dhanam acclaimed sales trainer, will give you income-producing gems to improve your sales and negotiation skills.
He will show you:
  • 8 Specific Phrases that Eliminate Objections
Among them are:  #4:  "Overruled!" and #7:  "If my demands aren't met, I'm gonna start tossing out bodies every fifteen minutes!"
  • How to Master the Art of Prospecting
Grow a big bushy beard, leverage existing contacts to increase your network, and sprinkle your speech with action words like "consarnit!" and "dadgummit!"

General McChrystal
Celebrated Four Star General

Stanley McChrystal is one of the most decorated and distinguished Generals of our time.
Later in the program, he and General Powell will strip down to their jockstraps and wrestle in corn oil to determine who's more distinguished.

Rudy Giuliani
America's Mayor

Rudy Giuliani provided strength at a defining time in American history as he helped lead New York - and the U.S. - out of the devastation that followed the attacks on 9-11.
And just when we think we're out -- he pulls us back in.

Sadly, there is no biography for Laura on the site, and no hint about what she will show us, so I'm just going to assume it's:
  • 8 Drug Cocktail recipes that relieve the need to blink and will finally allow you to win that staring contest with your cat.
If you haven't had a chance, please check out Annti's piece below on Billy the Kid vs. Dracula, and leave a comment letting us know which movies you'd most like to see us tackle in the sequel to Better Living Through Bad Movies (currently under construction).

39 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

This is one of those "events" where if you can get 'phone #s or e-mail addresses from the attendees you have a guaranteed sucker list.

Therefore, I'll be outside at a card table, offering tchotkes & a promise of something inspirational & uplifting in exchange for personal information.

Chris Vosburg said...

Don't miss Laura Bush

In the immortal words of TBogg, I don't.

I wonder how many of these "celebrities" actually appear in something other than a briefly pre-recorded form at the seminar-- sounds like a great way to fuck up a perfectly good halloween.

Stacia said...

Cosby was in town a week or so ago doing stand up, or what passes for stand up. Until the night of the event, it was advertised as "good seats still available!" You don't say.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

I haven't the sleep-deprived, pain-maddened brain cells sufficient for even my most half-assed attempt at a "Pickles"/Jack-Nicholson-"Joker" impersonation, so I will merely leave this little brain-dropping as a space-saving placecard for future reference:

Somebody, somewhere, PLEASE, PRETTY-PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING ****PLEASE**** TELL ME THAT BILL SHOULDA-BEEN-MY-FATHER ****COSBY**** DOES ***NOT*** NEED THE MONEY ******THIS****** FUCKING *BADLY*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, yes, he perpetrated Coca-Cola's foreign-investors greatest corporate fuck-up and FUCK-OVER of their loyal customers fucking ***EVER***, but at least he had to court diabetes (yup, karmic irony for a highly-degreed P.E. teacher!) with all of those fucking PUDDING-POP COMMERCIALS!!!!!!

But... but... THIS banner-ad from Fatfuck Limbaugh's rectal pilinoidal cyst's southern slope "dark side of the moon" ------ is just... ***TOO*** ***FUCKING*** ***MUCH*** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, I'll be dissociating over in the corner, clutching my purple bunny, rocking nonsensically and with a caucasian lack of rhythm that battles with all of my OTHER DNA, chewing on my hair and crying.

There were a few celebrities that I learned to, at a VERY early age, like TWO, think of as potential daddy-replacements, if I were ever lucky enough to ditch the so-called "parents" that I'd been saddled with for this lifespan. Bill Cosby was #1. Bob Culp was definitely NOT on that list, as I felt absolutely NOTHING "paternal" towards THAT lanky boy. Dean Martin, the SWEET, FRIENDLY so-called "drunk," was #2, if such a thing as a sweet, friendly drunk EXISTS on this planet. We now know that it was iced tea in those highballs, but in my world, it was STILL a huge move up, hard liquor or no. The crotchety old coot "Uncle Charlie" on "My 3 Sons" was in there somewhere, since the "father" was such a limp old poot.

Shutting up now & going to very odd dreams for the night. Enjoy yer mornings, daywalkers. BTW, is "entie" a Moldavian interpretation of "Annti"?

Anonymous said...

"Don't Miss Laura Bush at the Staples Center!"

OKAY! I'll bring my staple-gun, ready to party!

Thorlac said...

Celebrity endorsements!

"Did Krish Dhanam help me publer-size my gol-durn chuckwagon? Yer durn tootin'!"
-G. Hayes

Chris Vosburg said...

What's that you say? Go back? Well, tell my old grandmother! I've got two very elegant bedfellows who kick at the first drop of rain and hide in the closet when thunder rumbles! My, my, my, what great prospectors! Two shoe clerks readin' a magazine about prospectin' for gold in the land of the midnight sun, south of the border, or west of the Rockies!

"Let me tell you something, my two fine bedfellows, you're so dumb, there's nothin' to compare ya with! You're dumber than the dumbest jackass! Look at each other, will ya? Did you ever see anything like yourself for bein' dumb specimens? You're so dumb, you don't even see the riches you're treadin' on with your own feet!


--Walter Huston as Howard in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, showing all the Grizzled Prospectors to come how to do The Prospector Dance.

bonus: word verification "acters"

Jimbo said...

Entie (or Intie) in Roman letters is "you" (female) in Arabic, Anntie. Love your rants. The "Western" Dracula movie review was surreally funny.

trashfire said...

Omitted from the flyer:
"LAURA BUSH will tell the never-before-heard, jaw-dropping story of how she seduced a well-heeled slacker with a speech impediment, groomed him for public office, and single handedly used him to wreck the US economy, destabilize the Middle East, and turn back the clock on workers' and human rights a good half-century, all the while smiling ignorantly and making it look like the work of Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rove!"

Aaron said...

I'm simultaneously relieved and disappointed that you didn't rip into Joe Montana.

M. Bouffant said...

Scott, are you too late for the $1.95 special?

And don't go to Ontario. L.B. is L.A. only!

Scott said...

$1.95? Their website says "$225 at the door." I can only presume they make up the difference at the concessions stand.

merlallen said...

Will Powell teach us how to cover up a massacre?

Brian Schlosser said...

"8 Drug Cocktail recipes that relieve the need to blink and will finally allow you to win that staring contest with your cat."

Ha! I need no drug cocktail! I am the undisputed, all time, heavyweight champion of Staring Down my Cats. Kitteh's better recognize.


As for this sure to be charming evening... Oh, Bill... I love you, but if it was up to me, you'd be swapping places in the cornfield with Carlin SO fast...

(I still listen to "To Russell, My brother, whom I slept with" a couple times a year)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Thank you, Jimbo!

Though I notice in the amazingly-populated list of blogs that you 'follow,' MARK OF THE BEAST is nowhere to be found... are you limited to mere Blogger assortments in the "following" there, or can you venture out to the wilderness of WordPress?

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Bouffant, LOVE the diamond-plate on yer blog, and Brian, if you don't have "I started out as a child...", then son, you just ain't LIVED!!!

MEGA-MUTHA-LODE OF KARMA CHIPS FOR MERL, thanks to the acerbic brevity that cuts to the fucking BONE.

Severely Honorable Mentions to Anonymous, Thorlac & Trashfire. Your tiny trophies should arrive in the mail any day now.

KWillow said...

I hope in your next BLTBM you review some of the horrible, but for some reason very popular movies that our friends or families force us to see such as "Pretty Woman! It's a combination of Cinderella/My Fair Lady!" Or any Julia Roberts movie, for that matter.

Chris Vosburg said...

"Pretty Woman" is a shockingly tone-deaf movie, and I agree with KWillow that it needs a good punch in the nose.

From the git a breathtaking lie about how glamorous, lucrative and exciting the vocation of prostitution is, it then ramps up the obscenity with an ending that says, "why, you could marry a millionaire, and probably will!"

What a splendid life lesson, and what useful career advice for young women!

Lancelot Link said...

Pretty Woman was also apparently partially financed by George W Bush, through Silver Screen Management.
Go figure.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Hmmm... Scott, you wanna do "Pretty Hooker," or would Sheri like it? 'Cause I think that I could have a helluva lotta fun with it, if you wanna just put it up here...

Julia Roberts, despite her megabucks "star" power, is one of THE. MOST. ANTIFEMINIST. WHORES. ON. FUCKING. EARTH. Followed closely by that slit-eyed KKKaty, TX megafucktard, Renee Gravedigger. Waaaayyyy too many descendants of LA & TX P.O.W. camps from WWII, y'know it?

(and since Spellcheck suggested "Gravedigger" for "Zellweiger" or "Zellwigger," I couldn't resist!!!)

Scott said...

Have at it, Annti, please! I have a feeling PW is a film that is perfect fodder for your unique stylings.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Welp, I'll get it from Netflix as soon as I can... stomach it... Surprise, surprise, I don't have my own copy!

AND *NO,* dear hearts, that is NOT a plea for anyone to SHARE a well-worn, fapped-to-death copy of said prosti-porn. Thanks all the same.

Don't worry, Scott, when I get that clusterfuck in, I'm sure that you'll hear the screams and shrieks of pain from there...

Speaking of mind-agonizing imagery... my secret word this morning? mentslym. Have fun with the marketing slogans that THAT can engender!!!!!!

Chris Vosburg said...

Mentslym sounds like a sixties-era brand name for a menthol cigarette aimed at weight-conscious women. Smoke yourself skeletal, baby; you've come a long long way!

I second Scott's nomination for your cover of the silly movie mess, "Pretty Woman." This oughta be good, [laughing] is all I can say.

Uh, what's your problem with Lapplander-eyed ovarian-cancer-research-booster Swiss/Norwegian Renee Zellweger?

Aunt Snow said...

I hear Giuliani flogging this event in an ad on the radio each morning when I drive in to work, and I am always compelled to wonder, just what the fuck expertise Laura Bush has in the realm of Cutting Edge Business Skills, Goal Achievement, Wealth Building Strategies, and Much Much More!

She probably could speak on Relationship and Personal Development, as least as it applies to putting a drunk to bed and cleaning up his puke.

Anonymous said...

I'm with merlallen on this one. Powell is guilty of that bane of cheating math students, failing to show his work. The prerequisite for all the leadership jive is proving one's loyalty as a fixer for war atrocities. Lesson no. 1, establishing credibility, a junior major's methodologies for whitewashing civilian massacres.

I've driven to the top of Pike's Peak, but that doesn't make me an authority on mountain climbing.

bidziliba

Scott said...

I've driven to the top of Pike's Peak, but that doesn't make me an authority on mountain climbing.

I'm guessing you also didn't take along a drunk buddy and his sociopathic hanger-on who -- once you got to the top -- set off an avalanche that killed everybody living at the foot of the mountain. So I'm afraid that Powell is one up on you.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Thanks, Vosburg. If I should pop an aneurysm mid-sentence in the opening paragraph of dealing with "Pretty Prosti-Porn," I trust that you'll finish-up for me?

Big hearty ayy-menn to Keith on the Mai-Lai Murderer.

BTW, Vosburg, whattaya got against menthol cigarettes? Some of us LIKE a little toothpaste with our cancer!!

My problem with Squinty-Face? Aside from the fact that she can't act, dance, sing, or otherwise entertain ANYBODY except for fans of ignorant slutty white trash? She's from the only place that makes POYNER, TEXAS, aka the self-named ON BILLBOARDS, "Whitest Town In America," aka KATY, Texass. 'Member one of the first posts on MOB, about a week after narcissistic twunts on B.S., the blog of social-climbing hausfraus who like to chase their Xanax with a nice cheap merlot?

About that blatant fucking KLAN MEETING in a "church" in KATY FUCKING TEXAS, about how "HOUSTON," a city where NONE OF THOSE COCKSUCKERS ***LIVE***, "NEVER" had fucking CRIME until us LOWLIFE LOUISIANA THUGS, GANGSTERS, HOOKERS, CRACKHEADS, ETC., came to town after KATRINA?!??! She mighta been outta town that night, but Squint-Face was FIRMLY BEHIND THE ENTIRE KLAN-MOTIVATED MOVEMENT, including donating to politicians who ORIGINATED the whole "DON'T LET THE SUN SET ON YOUR BLACK LOUISIANA ASS!!!" bowel movement.

She's not just an offense to all things aesthetic and pertaining to anything roughly approximating "entertainment," the flat-assed skank, she's a fucking ILLITERATE FUCKING WASTE-OF-OXYGEN COCKSUCKING (THAT'S how her eyes got THAT squinty!!! Just not on KATY dicks!!!) ***CRACKER***!!!!!!

Fuck her sideways with a rusty chainsaw, weed-whacker, table saw, miter box, 10-lb. maul, and the giant bobble-head & Asian-elephant ears of the Urkle Of Louisiana's Demise, Piyush Bobby-Brady-Wannabe Jindal. "Re-elected," my fat unhappy ass!!!!!! As much as I blame that chunky-butted tone-deaf racist skank Kelly Clarkson for the "Katrina Fatigue" that focuses HATRED upon the victims of that intentional federal genocide, I also blame JAMES FUCKING CARVILLE for not having found & developed an ACTUAL fucking CANDIDATE to WHUP THAT BONY LYING CORPORATE WHORE'S ***ASS*** TODAY!!!!!!

I really need more and stronger blood pressure pills. DEFINITELY before I tackle the "Pretty Prosti-Porn" nightmare.

P.S. How in the HELL did Robyn Roberts' illiterate gum-flapping "sister" EVER get a job as an alleged "JOURNALIST," even on LOCAL establishment-suckling "news," when she's so fucking busy FELLATING THE UGLIER VERSION OF KENNETH THE NBC PAGE?!?!?!?

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

OOPSIES.

"She's from the only place that makes POYNER, TEXAS, aka the self-named ON BILLBOARDS, "Whitest Town In America," aka KATY, Texass."

SHOULD HAVE READ:

She's from the ONLY place that makes POYNER, Texass, aka the self-named-ON-BILLBOARDS, "Whitest Town In America," one KATY, TEXASS --- Katy makes Poyner LOOK INTELLIGENT, EDUCATED AND *PROGRESSIVE*!!!!!!

Makes a LITTLE more sense that way, huh?

ALSO: "'Member one of the first posts on MOB, about a week after narcissistic twunts on B.S., the blog of social-climbing hausfraus who like to chase their Xanax with a nice cheap merlot?" --- was similarly unfinished in my rush to type faster than a clot can get to my brain stem.

Shoulda been finished-up with, "merlot --- 'member when I was CHASED off of those pages by an illiterate social-climber who kept pushing my *FIRST* KATRINA ANNIVERSARY POSTS ***OFF*** of the fucking page with GAMES and SOFT-CORE "PORN," because their "beautiful minds" DIDN'T ***WANNA*** "THINK" ABOUT 1,700+ *CORPSES* TORTURED TO DEATH BY DARTH CHENEY & BOTTOM-BOY ROVE?!?!??!!?"

'Cause THAT is how I became an "independent" blogger, then joined by my nearest & dearest friends, very few of whom bother to swing by anymore... *sigh*

Sorry to be such a drag, but remembering that whole desecration and clique-clusterfuck BULLSHIT just bums me right the fuck out. That's why I try to avoid the subject, but when mentioning the Katy post that inadvertently cost me Melior AND Mentata as loosely-based online friends, it has to be placed into the proper historical context. If I'd been capable of remembering the REAL LIFE names of both them and Mentis at the time (since HE'S the only one who stuck around!), mebbe they'd still come around. Sure as hell miss the ornery fuckers. Starting MOB was not the celebratory time it might have been.

Chris Vosburg said...

Annti, all I am able to glean from what you've written about Zellweger is that you feel she is somehow to blame for the racial makeup of Katy, Texas, the cowtown she had the misfortune to be born in. She blew town long ago, her politics are decidedly liberal, they keep giving her awards for her acting for some reason, and I'm left wondering if we're talking about the same person. You're not a fan, okay, fine [laughing], I get it; but I don't see how that translates to Zellweger being "ignorant slutty white trash," you know?

Re the "slit-eyes," incidentally, she gets that from her Norwegian Sami mother, along with the cheekbones. It's an ethnic deal, for heaven's sake, and your slam at it reminds me uncomfortably of the Japanese-bashing jokes of my youth.

That said, hope we're still cool. Are we cool? [ducks thrown object]

Chris Vosburg said...

Annti writes: Some of us LIKE a little toothpaste with our cancer!!

Ha!~ Now there is a missed TV commercial opportunity I would give anything to have seen:

Actor takes deep draw on cigarette, exhales, says into the camera: "Mmm! MINTY!"

Voiceover: "Mentslym, for that fresh breath taste!"

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

It's not ethnic, Vosburg, it's just FUGLY. The ignorant skank couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag that undoubtedly contained her Skyy vodka. She's illiterate, ugly, untalented and a waste of fucking oxygen. And she's FROM KATY FUCKING TEXAS.

Any other questions?

BTW, another commercial black-hole, as well as intellectual, musical and marketing-wise black hole of ultimate negative gravity and dark matter, that getting-fatter-every-fucking-day (not that I don't like a woman with meat on her bones, but when it's a vain little pubescent-pop twinkie like THIS one, it's fucking KARMA, and will hopefully lead to a very youthful STROKE from the high triglycerides!!!) voice-like-fingernails-on-my-cervix Simon-Cowell-suckled skank, KELLY CLARKSON:

All of those descriptives to remind you, in case you hadn't seen me ranting about it before --- on her last appearance on "OPRAH", immediately before Oprah cut to commercial FROM THE STAGE, faster than any production land-speed record EVER in the history of syndicated television, Miss Katy Texass Bimbette 2006 said, and I quote, whilst congratulating herself for "rescuing" (MY FAT ASS, SHE PICKED HIM UP AT A FUCKING PETSMART, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!) a "KATRINA DOG" --- you ready?

"I'm just so glad and happy that I was able to RESCUE this dog, he's a KATRINA DOG, you know, and it just did my heart such good, y'know, to go to the effort to rescue him, because, DID YOU KNOW THAT ***THOSE*** ***PEOPLE*** JUST LEFT THOSE ANIMALS THERE, THEY JUST ***LEFT*** AND LEFT THEIR POOR ANIMALS ***BEHIND*** ---"

At which point Oprah, clearly homicidal by now, but not wanting to frighten her hausfrau audience, CUT THE STOOPID BITCH ***OFF*** and threw to commercial whilst teh twinkie was still TRYING to tell "her" animal "RESCUE" story, even though her lily-white, spray-tanned widening ass NEVER LEFT HER GATED TEXAS COMMUNITY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING GENOCIDE.

Any other questions as to why I fucking LOATHE Katy Texass??? I love the FUCK out of Austin, I've even had some amazing nature moments in Amarillo (culturally, it's a bad hairsprayed cover-band away from utter oblivion), but Katy and Poyner NEED TO VACATE MY FUCKING PLANET.

BTW, have you ever seen Miss Slit-Face ever do any PBS or other documentary about "her people," the Norwegian Sami people? Have you ever seen her do any "charity" work that didn't involve an all-star Clooney-generated telethon? Will you EVER see her in ANY role involving a NON-established young up-and-comer opposite, especially if said newbie is of ANOTHER RACE? Nope, Cuba Gooding, Jr. don't count, she was never more than 3 feet close to him.

She may PATRONIZE "liberal" causes, but so did Joel Silver and David Mamet, once upon a time. I may have escaped from Cracker Central, aka The National Epicenter (1964-88) Of The Fucking KLAN, but *I* was never OF those mouth-breathers, I never BELONGED there with those inbreds, and I sure as hell wasn't ever their fucking PROM QUEEN.

Takes one who escaped from crackers to spot one, son.

Yes, as per the usual, even as detrimental as you are to my blood pressure, we're cool, Vosburg. But if & when I throw anything at your noggin, it'll be a Mag-Lite, and you will NOT have time to DUCK. I'm warning you 'cause you're basically a good egg, except for this morning.

Anonymous said...

That's true Scott, but in military parlance I think Colorado Springs is what's known as a target rich environment, Focus on the Family, New Life Church, right wing mega-churches up the yin yang and the Dominionist infested Air Force Academy. It'd certainly be tempting to look the other way, as the sociopathic hanger on did his thing, but no... the last thing I'd want is to start thinking like the war mongerers in euphemisms like acceptable levels of collateral damage and MAMs.

bidziliba

Chris Vosburg said...

Annti writes: I love the FUCK out of Austin

You sure about that? I mean, that's where the illiterate Zellweger picked up her English degree [ducking maglite].

S. cerevisiae said...

Can I cheer for a meteor?

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, Vosburg, you're slipping, honey, at least in tactics. One does not THROW or fling a MagLite, one wields it like a lead-based baseball bat, one or two-handed (depending on the number of D-cells inside of it), until full meaty contact is made with target.

Sheesh.

What were you baking in YOUR Easy-Bake Oven???

And darling heart, no amount of ignorance on EARTH can stain the wonder that is Austin, thankyewveryfuckin'much. Just as, all of the intelligence, education, elegance & eloquence, creativity & talent in Austin can NEVER rectify the crime against the arts AND humanity known as Slit-Faced McGoo there. You SURE that she's not kin to Laura Hit-It-And-Quit-It-LITERALLY Bush???


(Snort-worthy secret-decoder-ring word? FOX AND U." I shit you not.)

Chris Vosburg said...

[laughing] Fair enough, darlin', fair enough.

Mentslym? [proffering pack of cigarettes with exactly three extended at 1.2, 1.5 and 2 inches]. It's the minty choice of gals on the go!

Chris Vosburg said...

Mentslym! Ask for it by name!

Chris Vosburg said...

I replaced the bulb in in my easy-bake oven with a compact fluorescent equivalent; it's been 14 hours and my cake isn't done.

Serious [laughing], I imagine that someone, somewhere, has filed this complaint.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Aw, honeychild, you'd do better with a BLACKLIGHT trying to finish your magic brownies!!!

Ya gots ta have carbon-based INCANDESCENT fire-in-glass to get them teeny aluminum pans to heat-up, honey!

Thank you for the virtual ciggie-butts, if only you were here in person... after the MOST useless trip FIFTY MILES ROUND-FUCKING-TRIP to a doctor who "COULDN'T" help me whatsofuckingever, I had exactly $24 left of my birfday money, which HAD been $40, which is the price of a CARTON of Misty smokes.

Then I hadda buy more gas to get home after I was ploughed-under by a fucking MACK TRUCK of the ancient, hoopty dumptruck variety, spent 6 hours in the E.R. for DIDDLY-SQUAT, and am now beginning to feel the herniation of a coupla brand-new-to-destruction disks. Long story long, after alla THAT shit, I got no drug-dealing pain doctor, STILL, the Walgreen's drug stores SUCK BEAN-FUELED METHANE FARTS OUT OF DEAD & ROTTING BURRO ASSES *AFTER* THEY'VE PERFORMED THEIR LAST SHOWS, 'cause they couldn't even fill TWENTY pain pills FOR THE EMERGENCY, let alone the VALIUMS for the muscle-relaxing.

ANNNNNDDD, now I'm down to $11.00, no Halloween costume, no mask, very little non-vegetable-no-canned-food, and THE worst birfday monf since 1986 & '87. You prolly don't wanna know. First a SHIT birfday, then I hadda SHIT HOME that night instead of going out for the first time in THREE MONTHS, and now THIS shit.

How horrible a person was I in my past lifetimes, Vosburg? Mentis asks me whom did I kill and EAT in my previous lives, but if I'd had a big slab o'long pig, dontcha think that I'd have REMEMBERED THAT?!?!?!? Granted, I *am* rather a fan of smoked PORK ham... and really good slab bacon... butcha never know...

My current theory is that in my life-before-last (last one, I died too young @ Altamont), I was no-talent, short, swarthy, dark-featured, ugly-rat-faced self-loathing-to-warp-speed cockbite HITLER's fucking ALTAR BOY, and I must have ENJOYED my, um, POSITION, or I'd have BITTEN IT OFF!!!!!!

I always did like those Li'l Smokies by Bryan Meats... so tiny, but SO flavorful...

Damn, I need money to buy pork. Make whatever jokes you will, the disks and whiplash are telling me to go to bed an ddie.
Nighty-night.
XO
J