Friday, October 14, 2011

If You Can't Get a Taxi, You Can Leave in a Huff

By Keith, Our Senior "Rolling to Save the Republic" Correspondent:

Hello again. Thanks to Scott's insistence I've learned to point my browser at "Townhall.com" without feeling afterwards like those poor puppies in the 'learned helplessness' paradigm of the 60s. Scott, it did take a few weeks but now I'm not as fearful. After a few cocktails and with thumb securely inserted where the sun don't shine, this stuff writes itself. Truly, Scott, thank you so much.  [I think there might be just a hint of irony in this dedication, but it's the Internet, so it's impossible to tell--ed.]

Here, and perhaps for the first time on WOC is Crista Huff. Let's introduce her:

"I am a conservative, which means that I believe in fiscal responsibility, free markets, personal responsibility and the Constitution."

Before I attempt to gauge Crista's other beliefs (eugenics or mandatory drug-testing of the demonically-possed) let's give her requisite airtime.
When the voting choices are between a Democrat and a Republican, the choice is easy.

I vote Republican because that gives me better odds that my candidate will be fiscally responsible and loyal to the Republic.

I don’t even know what a fiscally conservative Democrat looks like.
Well, Crista, it might have looked something like Daniel Patrick Moynihan. Or Bill Clinton. But that's so 90s, don't you think?
They think that it’s okay to kill babies without restraint, raise taxes and grow government. I don’t know why they call themselves Republicans, because their philosophies do not even remotely mirror the Republican Party platform.

But I trust, like me, they want to save the Republic.
Crista, I'm confused. Do we have to first restrain the babies before we kill them? Blood-lust gun-toter am I, and we likes to kill 'em "free-range." They taste less gamey.
As a citizen activist and a voter, I see it as the only job right now is for everyone to help save the Republic from socialism and fiscal destruction, which by the way, always go hand-in-hand.
Are you implying that "Citizen Activist" and "voter," or socialism and fiscial destruction, both "join hands? I'm performing 'five-knuckle shuffle' reading your column but that's only one hand so doesn't count.
That’s why I want a presidential candidate who has no history of cozying up to terrorists; nor do I want a candidate friendly with religions and countries which do not denounce terrorists; or who allow illegal immigrants to come here; or those that support socialist policies.
I understand, Ms. Huff. The last time we had presidential material cozying up to terrorists was when the Bushes, Hussains and Bin-Ladens experienced a mix-up in tee-off times at a golf date in swanky Saudi Arabia. Regrettable but true.
For me that means I must omit Chris Christie, Ron Paul, Rick Perry and Mitt Romney from receiving my support. That’s the way I roll, to save the Republic.
[Insert appropriate patriotic gang sign here.   Nothing too ghetto, keep it Founding Fathery.  Maybe a quick 3-finger Eastside, followed by the Masonic "Sign of Praise" or "Sublime Knights Elected."--ed.]

Ms. C take note: none of these candidates can play golf worth shit. And they look funny trying. But are they conniving with terrorists?
I’m wary of supporting ANYONE hyped by the MSM, because they think their job is to promote the biggest RINO among the field.

No doubt, the MSM wants a Democrat to win. And just as they promoted John McCain, to the shock and horror of my fellow conservatives, they will again promote somebody whose policies bear no resemblance to conservative policies.
Crista, what exactly about Sen. McCain sent you into a state of shock and horror? Was it possibly his managers' choice of running-mate?
And then they will refer to that person as a “conservative,” which really galls me, because the public is unfortunately gullible enough to believe that somebody is conservative simply because the MSM says so.
I understand your concern, Christa. I would suspect the MSM as well, but I get them confused with MTM, which if you remember gave us all those wonderful Saturday nights at home enjoying Mary and Rhoda and Ted back in the day.
The MSM will keep its distance from or attack any truly conservative candidate who can stand firmly on their record, because the true conservative stands a much, much better chance of winning a presidential election than a RINO.

That’s why I want to see Sarah Palin run.
Be careful what you wish for...
Sarah Palin’s record in Alaska shows her to be the bravest, most effective executive I’ve ever seen. She accomplished incredible feats as Governor and united Democrats and Republicans in order to succeed with projects which brought great prosperity to her state.
Ok, I will agree with you here. Sarah bravely featured bear-baiting on her extravagana "Discovery" TV franchise. Hell, she brought in a production team from Fox Cable News to build a studio in her home! That's a lot of extra coffee runs, great for the local economy. She has shown bravery as well in raising several million in cash ostensibly to finance a run for POTUS only to lose a leg and abandon the Republic's cause. She's limping all the way to the bank.

Crista you must feel awful right now considering your Republic's saviour abdicated her ascension to duty on the very same day of Steve Job's demise.

In one "Republic Minute" you're hot-snot on a silver platter. Then end up cold-boogers on a paper plate. That's the "Republic," Crista. I'm terribly sorry for you.

As consolation, I'll remind you of that L.A. punk group "The Germs" ca. late 1970s. Like our Sarah the lead singer had a suicide fetish and wanted to go out in a big flash. Regrettably he chose suicide on
the same day of John Lennon's assassination. It hurts but it happens.

But I must ask what other executives might you have seen in action?  Your Townhall bio features you as a retired stockbroker from an unnamed NYSE-member investment firm. "Why are you retired" is the first question that jumps to mind, but we'll let that go for now. I've hardly met your acquaintance, Crista. And we look forward to viewing more of your ... output ... in the future?

Cheers,
Keith

12 comments:

heydave said...

I'm sure she's retired because she needed to spend more time with someone's family.

Brian Schlosser said...

"She accomplished incredible feats as Governor"

Imagine what she could have done if she had served an entire term! We'd probably be taking the Supertrain over the new Bering Straits Bridge RIGHT NOW!

JoeBuddha said...

Or if that's too soon, you can leave in a minute-and-a-huff!

Aunt Snow said...

She accomplished incredible feats as Governor and united Democrats and Republicans in order to succeed with projects which brought great prosperity to her state.

If I recall correctly, she united Democrats and Republicans in their mutual disdain of Sarah Palin.

Still, if it weren't for Sarah Palin we wouldn't have been treated to the sight of turkey-slaughter live on camera during a gubernatorial Thanksgiving photo op, and I'll always be grateful to her for that gift.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

It never fails to confound and disgust me to the point of projectile vomiting, that such FLAMING FUCKING ILLITERATES who get so-called fucking "WRITING JOBS"!!!!!!

As comforting as it is that THIS particular moron isn't even attached to the FRINGE of flaming-fucktard teabaggers, it still pisses me off. Keith, I have no idea how you managed to slog all the way through this toilet paper, but good on ya for surviving.

If I'd had to wade through tit-deep pig slop like this, I'd have found this twunt's home address and I'd be in Levinworth, at the very least.

And what in the fuck is a "fevelo"?!??!

Anonymous said...

Because I respect you all so much as judges of the ongoing art parade, may I ask you a totally off-topic question?

I like to read Kellerman's Alex Delaware thrillers.His buddy is a large, rumpled, smart, gay cop, Milo.Every time I read about him, I picture Barney Frank who is one of the few congresscritters I like. Am I out of line?

Just an off-the-cuff ponder.
Suezboo

Scott said...

Suezboo: I don't think of Milo being quite as old (Frank is 71), but otherwise -- spot on. Barney Frank, while not a cop, is large, rumpled, smart and gay.

Anonymous said...

Oh good, I'm glad I wasn't just having a brainfart or something. I hadn't realised Frank was that old - I agree Milo is younger.
Thank you, dear, for confirming my mental picture.
Suezboo

TV Gayed said...

Suezboo -

Maybe I've huffed one can too many, but I think the novels you describe were turned into a TV series starring Peter Falk, but NBC toned the gay thing way down and re-titled it "Colum-bi."

Scott said...

I think you're right, TV. I found the series on DVD at my local Columbarium.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

GREAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT.

***THANKS*** SCOTT!!!!!!


*NOW* I have a permanent etching on the inner walls of my oft-rearranged skull of PETER FALK GIVING SOMEBODY A BARIUM FUCKING ENEMA!!!!!!

You are a very bad, bad man, Scott, and the same goes for YOU, Gay Ed.

Crista said...

I'm sorry I didn't see this three years ago, or I would have responded to at least one sentence within your strange diatribe.

So this is the sentence I'll pick: "Why did you retire from Morgan Stanley?" Answer: Because I had children, and needed to raise them. Not exactly mysterious, eh?

Next time you want to chat, it's pretty easy to find me through the internet.