Monday, November 21, 2011

Ho-Ho-Hozell

[Note from Scott:  Just wanted to let everyone know that we'll be wrapping up our Beg-a-Thon this week (click here for the somewhat embarrassing details), concluding with a Special Video Special on Thanksgiving.]

By Keith, World O' Crap's War on Christmas Correspondent:
(Almost) Nothing is Sacred by Brent Bozell
In advance of Tinseltown's parade of Christmas insensitivities [sic] -- they've already unloaded the marijuana movie A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas -- let us stipulate that it's not just seasonal. The manufacturers of pop culture thrive on offending every traditional value.
Brent, nothing “seasonal” about stoner comedies. This genre has perennial charm. If it’s got “legs” you’re guaranteed a 15% return on investment. Maybe more after foreign screens and DVD release.
Start with Pamela Anderson, the ridiculously surgically enhanced former Playboy Playmate, home-movie porn specialist and "Baywatch" star. She's been cast to play -- are you ready? -- the Virgin Mary in a TV "Christmas" special in Canada.
There aren’t many juicy roles for older women actors and Pam has mortgage payments to fulfill. Have you no decency, Brent? Besides, I’m not entirely sure her surgical enhancement is worthy of the adjective “ridiculous.” I’ve always found her work to be reasonably well-crafted. Plus it’s held up awfully good given the mileage.
It's called A Russell Peters Christmas and Peters will play Mary's husband Joseph in the sketch “comedy.” Peters was raised Catholic and attended a Catholic school until eighth grade. It didn't take, to say the least. The show will air as a holiday "centerpiece" in Canada on CTV and the Canadian Comedy Network, which also runs U.S. shows such as The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
You’re just being snippy because neither Jon nor Steve have featured you as a guest. I can’t remember if Mary and Joseph were actually wed, but legend has it she herself was scheduled for some surgical work in Antioch. The night before she and Joseph took in a show – A Very Oedipus Rex Bacchanalia -- and Joe walked out in disgust, dragging poor Mary along with him.
Publicists are already touting the show with the usual lingo. It's “an irreverent twist on the Christmas special making it unlike anything viewers have seen before,” and will be “tastier and more dangerous than a cup of spiked eggnog.” Pamela Anderson does have reverence for one cause: Her Facebook page profile picture is an anti-fur symbol. Mock Jesus, but love animals.
“Love the sinner, hate their wardrobe,” as Betty Bowers once said after knocking back eggnog spiked with Everclear, Oxycontin and lorazepam. Let’s face it, Brent, you’re stalking poor Pamela on Facebook, aren’t you? You went for the boobs and got PETA instead. Now you’re apoplectic. What else do you have for us?
Another very serious (if not sacred, surely profound) day on the American calendar is Sept. 11. That means 9/11 is just begging for satire, if you're Fox and Seth MacFarlane, at least. Two years after 9/11, college reporter Matt Chayes interviewed MacFarlane and said he "claims he would never do a 9/11 gag." That pledge has been violated repeatedly. Now he's devoted the entire plot of the Nov. 13 episode of "Family Guy" to mocking 9/11.
Stewie, the super-smart baby, invents a time machine. Pal, Brian, the talking dog, and he travel back in time to retrieve an old tennis ball. In the process, current Brian warns past Brian about 9/11, and, as a result, it's avoided. But when they return to the present, they find out that George W. Bush lost the 2004 election because he had no 9/11 with which to scare the public.
Damn, I missed that episode, Brent. Now I’ll have to watch for it in syndication.
This historical twist results in Bush creating a second Confederacy -- naturally -- which starts another Civil War with nuclear strikes that kill 17 million people and turn the U.S. into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, of course. So the duo goes back to fix the past, and after they succeed, the baby declares, "We did it Brian! We made 9/11 happen! High five!"
“Mission Accomplished” would have been a better closer than “High Five” imho.
Speaking of messing up the time machine, Hollywood is really going back in time to smear J. Edgar Hoover. They've never forgiven him for being a staunch anti-communist or for mucking around in the personal lives of their heroes, from the Kennedy's to Martin Luther King. When Time asked actor Leonardo DiCaprio how true the movie was to life he replied, "Historically, it's incredibly accurate."
Did you mean Time Magazine or Time, the physical dimension that co-exists with space in a cosmological continuum?
That's quite a clash with the quote from his cast mate Armie Hammer, who plays Clyde Tolson, the close Hoover aide alleged to be his lover. "What really brings the film to life are the scenes that no one can prove happened."
Too bad Ayn Rand is no longer with us to script-doctor for Clint.
The movie's climactic scene arrives when Hoover tells Tolson he's getting married. Tolson and Hoover wrestle, and Tolson kisses Hoover, only to have Hoover reject him. As Tolson storms out, Hoover begs Tolson not to leave and even says, "I love you." There's also a creepy scene when Hoover's mother dies. Hoover descends into a crying mess as he puts on a dress and a necklace.
The accusation that Hoover cross-dressed came from a convicted perjurer with mob ties; Soviet disinformation agents circulated rumors that Hoover was gay. But Hollywood doesn't care about sources or evidence when it makes "historical" movies. What they cared about was using ersatz history to promote the gay agenda.
As a high-profile Fed in frequent attendance at Roy Cohn’s infamous soirees of yester-year this alone is enough evidence to conclude that J. Edgar was perhaps “A Friend of Dorothy.” There’s more than a touch of lavender to this complex individual. At least Clint didn’t demean Mr. Hoover by making DiCaprio wear a copy that wretched two-piece knit thing. Clyde hated that two-piece knit.
Now that agenda is the closest thing to a unanimously sacred cause in Hollywood. Movie director Brett Ratner was just unceremoniously canned as director of the 2012 Academy Awards broadcast. He crossed the line by saying "Rehearsals are for (gay F-bombs)." That will get you fired. Mocking an FBI director, 9/11 or the Virgin Mary? That is apparently "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."
What lessons have we to learn from Mr. Bozell’s poorly-spelled and poorly-punctuated rant? Well, we’ve learned he is stalking Pamela Anderson on Facebook. Watch out, Brent. You’re not the first. I’d stay away from her. She doesn’t like it.

(We’ve also learned that, despite constant lobbying by his publicist, he has been declined an audience with either Jon Stewart or Steve Colbert. Tough nuts, Brent. Get over it.)

Secondly, Mr. Bozell was absent from class the day they introduced basic structures, such as the outline, as an aid in organizing one’s thoughts.

Thirdly, we have learned that Brent is a terrible pop-culture critic. He sucks big time. I’ve done him a tremendous favor by omitting some of the worst paragraphs (it just goes on an on) so I’m awaiting Brent’s holiday (sorry, “Christmas”) card as a token of his appreciation.

22 comments:

Bill S said...

I saw "J. Edgar" over the weekend, and I didn't find the movie's treatment of him to be a mockery. The fact that Bozell thinks suggesting Hoover was gay IS a "mockery" says more about him than it does about the filmmakers.
He seems nostalgic for the days when hurling anti-gay slurs was socially acceptable.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Bozell longs for the days when all apes knew that humans could not speak.
~

Bogie said...

Why does Bozell hate capitalism?

gocart mozart said...

"Gay F-bombs"!! When did the Gays get the F-Bomb? Who has been guarding the yellow cake with pink buttercream frosting?

gocart mozart said...

Sorry, forgot link.
http://www.bakerella.com/finally-i-found-it/

Anonymous said...

I thought Hoover's driver wrote a book called "No Left Turns" which describes Hoover's proclivities. If the driver is the "convicted perjurer with mob ties" then J. Edgar has some 'splaining to do !

pajzilla said...

gocart mozart: the yellow cake recipe obviously originates from North Africa, and it's contents compromised by Libyan loyalists, perhaps Saif himself. Or Dick Cheney. But what a great recipe. I'm not much of a baker but I'm going to go for this one. Yum. Thanks for the link.

Tonight was watching the local news, and they were going to serve up a recipe for artichoke dip. Got my pencil and pad ready but the network (CBS) cut in and we got Obama instead. It was awesome, in the sense he told everyone in Congress to go fuck themselves, thank you, and goodnite. 5 minutes total, if that.

The preempted artichoke dip recipe will be featured tomorrow in the the same time-slot. I'll share it with you.

Rich said...

Yeah, wuzzup with this dissing of Pam Anderson? I thought VIP was a pretty decent show, myself. Granted I thought Tasha was a lot cuter than Vallery was but hey, y'know? To each their own.

gocart mozart said...

I'm not much of a baker either pajzilla. I just Google recipes to enhance my jokes. Hope the yellow cake works out for you. Oh oh, now we are both on the no fly list.

Ear Candle Productions said...

They've never forgiven him for being a staunch anti-communist or for mucking around in the personal lives of their heroes, from the Kennedy's to Martin Luther King.

I had to check the original to verify that this whiny little fuck doesn't know how to use an apostrophe correctly.

StickIt said...

The fact that Bozell thinks suggesting Hoover was gay IS a "mockery" says more about him than it does about the filmmakers.

Ding ding ding ding! Bill S gets a gold star.

Anonymous said...

"Staunch anti-communist", right, try fascist goon. Hoover led the Palmer Raids that rounded up thousands of IWW labor organizers and dissidents without warrants. Through Interpol he got cozy with the Nazi high command and carried on correspondence with Himmler until just before Pearl Harbor. He was still exchanging wanted lists with the Reich as the Wehrmacht were rolling into Paris. His private life is one thing, but Hoover was one of the most corrupt, dare I say evil, US public figures of the 20th century.

bidziliba

Scott said...

bidziliba: Exactly. A friend took me to a screening about two weeks before the film came out, and every time Eastwood and Lance Black, the screenwriter, tried to make Hoover a bit sympathetic, it only served to remind me what a horrible, horrible human being he was.

I'm all for giving your monster a moment a pathos -- it's the mark of a good horror movie. Unfortunately, unlike the Wolfman or the Creature from the Black Lagoon, their monster wasn't fictional.

ianmorris said...

back to the pilot was an awesome episode of family guy, the possible future CG family guy was great

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Keith, if you run into Betty Bowers (since Miss Poppy's been off on assignment for the CIA in Guadelajara for a while...) anytime soon, would you tell 'her' that I'll trade 'her' an hour with my Hitachi Magic Wand for a week's worth of Ativans!!!!!!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

BTW, Bill, honey --- I've missed every movie that I've wanted to see this year, including "The Rum Diary"!!!!, so don't ruin it ALL for me, but PUH-HUH-HUH-LEEEEEASE tell me that there is SOMETHING in Ol' Dress-Wearin' Edgar's show about his part in orchestrating both Kennedy assassinations & the death of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. --- ?!?!?!!? Warren Commission my fat tattooed ass, I always KNEW that J. Edgar pulled those metaphorical triggers!!!

(And yes, I'll be back for sincere reads of this post and the one above it, but it's not even 4:20 and I'm dain-bread.) (And *I* haven't had a "4:20" since December of 1998!!!)

round guy said...

Mock Jesus, but love animals.

To be fair, I think Ms. Anderson would be suitably horrified if someone made a coat out of Jesus.

pajzilla said...

They never made a coat. But Pope Pius XII had a matching set of lampshades for the occasion.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Well, if I croak anytime soon, before they donate whatever might still be usable and cremate the rest, I hope that SOMEBODY saves the hide with the *good* tats on it and has it tanned so that it can become either a cool jacket or one helluva suitcase! Fuck, if the Nazis could make LAMPSHADES out of HUMAN BEINGS, why the fuck can't I make something USEFUL out of MY OWN CORPSE?!?!?

I'll betcha a dollar to a doughnut that Pope Panzerfaust/Chupacabra has at LEAST one pair of TATTOOED-HUMAN-SKIN SHOES, undoubtedly created by Italy's finest cobblers/overpriced designers!!!!!!

And when I can FINALLY get the partial hysterectomy that I've coveted since I was TWELVE, I am *SO* gonna save that useless uterus, take it to a saddlemaker and have it tanned so that I can finally make something PRACTICAL and USEFUL out of it --- A PURSE!!!

Back to one of the prior topics, though --- BILL??? Tell me da troof about da movie. Even if it hurts.

keith said...

Antti, I have sad news for you. Betty Bowers has apparently broken free from her hospital "humane restraints" and went straight away to the hospital pharmacy, where she wielded water pipes torn from her shower at the staff. She demanded a dozen vials of "Versed" plus syringes for injection. I'm worried about Betty. If I know her, she'll next be sending threatening emails to Roche Pharmaceuticals and this may be her downfall. If only they hadn't switched her over to Klonipin none of this tragedy would have occurred. It's very sad, particularly for Thanksgiving day.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Why in the HELL would she want Versed?!?!? How's she going to fight-off the flying monkeys of Roche, Merck, Pfizer, Eli Lilly, et al. when she's UNCONSCIOUS?!?!?

Yeah, a little drip takes the edge off, especially if fucktardedly-clumsy idiotic fucking residents & interns are shoving two-foot-long needles into your spine, but enough to INJECT??? We won't hear from her until after EASTER!!!

*sigh*

Try to make sure that she ingest some solid food at some point, kay?

(Super-secret decoder-ring word? "dedest," as in, "Dick may not kill you, but Dick Cheney will make you the dedest!"

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

BTW, from my 1986 cut-brakes >>> closed-head injury & broken knee wreck, as well as the horrific side effects of mixing Halcyon & Valium with a SEVERE fucking head injury, I can promise you, those hospital restraints are ANYTHING but fucking "humane"!!!!!!

Long story involving 2 ambulance attendants, 3 male nurses, one royal BITCH-A-ROONI-DOONIE of a female nurse, and me, @ 15, hallucinating my face off and escaping from the 3rd floor of a so-called "hospital" (down the back fire stairs) in a hip-to-ankle knee brace, making it halfway to the interstate to try and HITCHHIKE HOME, a broken ink pen and those wicked, wicked VESTS that keep one flat on one's back in a hospital bed.

They really shouldna done that shit. Really. At least it's comforting to know that at least one of 'em won't EVER be reproducing...