Friday, March 2, 2012

Behold, a Pale Horse! And Its Rider's Name was Swank

Well, the Internet seemed to be tying itself in knots over Andrew Breitbart's abrupt exit all day, while the world outside my computer seemed as blissfully ignorant of his death as it was of his existence.  I don't really have much to add to the retrospective; in fact, I woke up with a bad headache and didn't even turn on the Mac until after lunch, so I wasn't aware Mr. Big (Fill in the Blank URL) had smeared his last smear until I got an email from Keith, to which I replied, "For those who believe in a Better World, they can take comfort in the knowledge that Breitbart's body has now been reunited with his soul, which predeceased him by several decades."  (And I'll apologize for that just as soon as Breitbart retracts his statement that the still-cooling corpse of Ted Kennedy was "a prick.")

Anyway, the conspiracy theories are just getting started, so if you weren't sick of Breitbart and his act before, you'll still have plenty of time to catch up (it's not like deciding suddenly to start watching Lost midway through the fourth season).  Personally, though, I'm not in the mood, so I'm giving most of my go-to wingnut sites a wide berth tonight.  But then the thought occurred to me:  "You know what?  We really need some Pastor Swank up in this bitch."
Criminal Jesus? : 'They Hate Me. They Will Hate You Too!'
Sometimes I wonder if the world considers Jesus the Criminal of All Time.
Yes, probably because of that sign over the cross ("INRI," as we all learned in Sunday School, being the Latin abbreviation for "Thug Life").
You'd think so. The way that some rail against Him, His teachings, His church, you'd think that Jesus was one of the most ardent con artists of all time.
No, you're thinking of St. Paul, whose "Letter to the Corinthians" was the Nigerian email scam of its day.
Jesus is hauled off of public property. There He is but a Baby in a manger setting.
Do you have any idea how many harmful parasites and bacteria can thrive in donkey and goat dung?  It's no wonder somebody called Child Protective Services and had that kid hauled out of there -- even if he was plastic.  (Full disclosure:  When I was a child, our family had a very elaborate Nativity Scene that I would help my father assemble each Christmas, until we moved to an exurban area and had to give it up because the placenta was attracting wolves.
Yet He's flung across the lot into some warehouse or dumpster for His very presence is "offensive." So there go Mary and Joseph as well. And the angels to boot.

Is Jesus that outrageously awful? What crime did He commit?
Certainly not Littering.
 What terrible deed did He set upon humanity by which, two thousand years later, He's scorned, lifted up as a Madman and then derailed from political life, government property and the marketplace. 
I didn't realize Jesus was planning to run for public office, but it seems like the time is ripe.  In years past, the Press Corps might have demanded he explain his relationship with Mary Magdalene, but in the post-David Vitter GOP, consorting with prostitutes seems to be a vote-getter.
Santa can stay. Elves can play around. Frosty can scamper. But Jesus has to go. 
Apparently because he refused to frolic.
The culture has a hatred settled in maximum when it comes to Jesus.
I hate when that happens, but I keep my hatred settled in minimum to keep winter fuel bills down.
But when I read about Him in the historic records - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Your standards of historiography are high, Pastor, but let's not forget Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which is even more historical, because it includes the Apostle Spider-Man.
 - I don't come upon a distasteful personality. 
Which is unusual for scripture.  For instance, Zoroaster spends a good 70% of the Yasna Haptanghaiti calling Ahura Mazda "bossy" and "kind of an asshole."
It's this Jesus who drives straight the discrimination against women by speaking to a Samaritan woman - one considered a half-breed by the culture. He not only speaks with her but offers hope of forgiveness and new life in grace. 
Unfortunately, it's Nancy Grace.
It's this Jesus who reaches out to the lepters - the scum of society of the first cenutry rule.
Lepters were first created in the First Century A.D., when the Large Hadron Collider (then located in Rome, and made of terra cotta) accelerated a lepton into a high energy leper.

It's this Jesus who then climbs upon a Roman cross, permitting soldiers to drive spikes into His flesh. He, having committed no wrong, no crime, broken no law, hangs between the skies till He dies. 
It's too bad Bill O'Reilly wasn't at the Crucifixion, because then he could have shot Jesus right between the head and put him out of his misery.
Having no money for His own burial plot, He's placed in a borrowed gravesite. 
The owner was a little leery, because Christ never brought back that Garden Weasel he borrowed, but amazingly, he promptly returned the plot three days later.
And for His thirty-three years of caring for people, loving the lvoeless and pointing folk to heaven, He's still screamed at, strewn across history's pages as a maniacal religious zealot, and then hacked to pieces in one court room after another. 
I always thought that Bailiff from Night Court looked a little unstable.
The ACLU breathes daily to crucify Jesus afresh.
I'm not exactly sure what this sentence is supposed to mean, but I think the ACLU is endorsing Mentos.
 So some school personnel - from superintends to classroom teachers to custodians and bus drivers. And those who don't are in fear of losing their positions if they speak out in defense of Jesus.
I remember when I got called into the superintends' officedent.  It was so.
There are town clerks who wake up in the morning just to see if any Jesus follower comes into the office with the attempt to display a Nativity School in fonrt of town hall. If the request commes to the desk, the inquirer's knuckles are wrapped and the posterior is pointed to the town hall's exit sign. 
So if you want a permit to display a Nativity School in fonrt of town hall, just be aware that they'll make you wrap your knuckles and box the city clerk.  And if you lose, you get sodomized by the signage.
Why?
You tell me.
What did Jesus do to the ACLU? What did Jesus do to harm town hall or the school district or the mall? What did Jesus do to hurt society and destroy culture? What, in God's name, did Jesus do to deserve such hatred?
Wait, so now the mall hates Jesus?  That's a little hypocritical, considering how much money they make off him every year, although I can certainly see why the Fed-Ex delivery guy hates him.
Yet, Jesus, knowing the desperate damage done to the moral's soul in The Fall, forecast that He would be despised. He would be hated of all men. And those who pikced up His cross dailyi, following in His bloody footsteps, would be despised as well. They would be hated.
Well, they did track blood all over the carpet.
So today those who attempt to sing about the redemption of Jesus' blood in a Unitarian Church are told to worship someplace else.
The same thing happened to me when I tried to sacrifice a ram.  Unitarians got a stick up their ass.
Those who speak of Jesus in a public classroom, or, God forbid, try to sing a Christian Christmas carol in a school program, are marched to the courts.
Largely because the courts are better funded than the schools in this country, so the kids get a more comprehensive education there.  You probably remember this phenomenon from the end of every Dragnet episode ("On March 2nd, a science class was held in Superior Court, in and for the County of Los Angeles.  In a moment, the results of that class."  [Spoiler alert: the District Attorney stuck toothpicks in a potato and suspended it in a glass of water to prove it would sprout roots.])

So the Christians persist against the secularists - the ACLU, godless school principals and unbelieving teachers, apostate clergy in various denominating, and those who masquerade as do-gooders for society who all the while work to crush religious freedom, Christian witness, and the due rights of believers to tell the old, old story of the cross.
So I think what the Pastor is trying to say here is, if your story is stale, try Mentos.  It's the Freshmaker.

14 comments:

Stacia said...

All those typos and he couldn't have mistyped "elves" as "Elvis"?

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

If Jesus hadn't wanted you to be scorned he'd'a given you better arguments.

Joseph said...

>There are town clerks who wake up in the morning just to see if any Jesus follower comes into the office with the attempt to display a Nativity School in fonrt of town hall. If the request commes to the desk, the inquirer's knuckles are wrapped and the posterior is pointed to the town hall's exit sign.

So if you want a permit to display a Nativity School in fonrt of town hall, just be aware that they'll make you wrap your knuckles and box the city clerk. And if you lose, you get sodomized by the signage.


It's just perfect. I think I will remember this part forever.

>Why?

You tell me.


Indeed.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

But then the thought occurred to me: "You know what? We really need some Pastor Swank up in this bitch."

Yes! Pastor Swank has been ignored for far too long, here and at the Haus of Sad.
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

("INRI," as we all learned in Sunday School, being the Latin abbreviation for "Thug Life").

That cracked me up.

And I haven't even been drinking. Yet.

Dr.BDH said...

I thought "lecters" were the nymph form of Lectroids from Planet 10. Thanks for putting me straight, Scott.

trashfire said...

Wasn't Hannibal Lepter a cannibal? Oh right, this is my flesh, eat of it and ye shall have, yada yada...

scripto said...

"The culture has a hatred settled in maximum when it comes to Jesus."

That says it all. Stupid culture.


I believe that was a Large Hadrian Collider.

acrannymint said...

You had me at the Christopher Moore reference

Cole said...

Having no money for His own burial plot, He's placed in a borrowed gravesite.

The owner was a little leery, because Christ never brought back that Garden Weasel he borrowed, but amazingly, he promptly returned the plot three days later.


THIS is perfection. Thank you for the swankster today--he never fails to cheer me up.

Christopher said...

Man, you tell a few people to abandon all their worldly possessions and family ties so they can spend all their time watching you whip members of opposing sects, and all of a sudden people start to make out like you're some kind of zealot.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

("INRI," as we all learned in Sunday School, being the Latin abbreviation for "Thug Life").

Although I always preferred to think of it as standing for "I'm Nailed Right In".

Gabriel Ratchet said...

Back when I was living in Providence a local street preacher, in addition to conducting his business in full Uncle Sam drag for reasons known only to himself, used to insist that "INRI" meant that the Second Coming would occur "in Rhode Island", which is as good a place for it as any, I suppose.

Carl said...

wait. Swank's not dead yet? Or did he rise, all zombie like?