Monday, March 12, 2012

Robin of Berkeley Solves the Andrew Breitbart Murder!

I've been remiss lately in following the adventures of former licensed therapist Robin of Berkeley, largely because even American Thinker seems to have edged slowly away from her, smiling and nodding and fingering the tiny pepper spray canister attached to their keyring.  But RoB maintains a blog, and our buddy Chris Vosburg -- engineer, musician, fancier of fine, if defunct, Dutch rock bands, and Perry Mason connoisseur par excellence -- who has corresponded with the analrapist emeritus, recently checked in and discovered that she's used her therapeutic skills to unravel the mystery of Andrew Breitbart's death.  The culprit?  It was Liberals.  In the suburb.  With an earthquake.  Or as Chris put it:
...in which Robin of Bedlam endures the fury of a mighty 4.0 earthquake, and shares a babbling series of free associations.
 
Needless to say, no property damage occurred, nor injuries reported. It becomes a little harder to believe that Robin has been in California for any length of time, because, as a native, as are you, I don’t get outta bed for anything less than a six.
So, using the insights gleaned from 20 years of giving UC Berkeley students unhelpful, and increasingly unethical advice, what can Robin deduce from a feeble temblor about the true cause of Andrew Breitbart's demise?
An Act of God?

I’m not the world’s best sleeper, so I was awake Monday morning at 5:30 am when the rumbling began. If you’ve never experienced it before, it’s the creepiest of feelings, worse than the earthquake itself. There’s this nameless dread, this foreboding, as though something threatening is going to happen, but you don’t know what.
I grew up in California, so I've been awakened by plenty of earthquakes, and while there's occasionally "dread," it's seldom "nameless," in that the threatening thing that we don't know is going to happen is -- if it's woken you up -- already happening, and we call it "an earthquake."
After the quake, I lay in bed, my heart racing. I thought of how thousands of people were sharing in the experience; they were all jarred awake too, with their hearts racing and adrenaline surging.
But it's preferable to being awakened by surging Santorum, because then you've got to change the sheets.
It’s not just the trembling itself that’s disturbing; it’s the reminder. It’s the tangible proof that frightening things can and will happen without warning in the day or in the middle of the night.
Fortunately, reality TV is there to fill in the gaps between natural disasters.
Earthquakes are “Acts of God,” according to the vernacular of insurance policies. In the Midwest, where earthquakes are rare, people have been stricken by massive floods. Although God has been banished from schools and public buildings, floods and earthquakes remind us that He is omnipresent.
We used to have earthquake drills in school all the time.  The details are a little fuzzy after all these years (I mostly remember being impressed by how much fossilized Juicyfruit was stuck to the bottom of my desk) but I assume the teachers told us we were preparing for "Acts of Madalyn Murray O'Hair."
I heard a pastor once say that when God reveals Himself to you, it precipitates a state of shock. And this shock is not like anything you’ve ever experienced in your life.
Unless you've ever touched a screen door on a windy day.
When you feel God around you, when you understand His reality, it is an exhilarating, liberating, and, yes, shocking experience. Like the rumbling before an earthquake, it produces a feeling in you that has no words, one that cannot be understood with your rational mind. You are standing naked before a Force greater than anything you can ever imagine. And when you recognize what God can do, it is absolutely shocking.
So at least wear underpants to bed, or you're going to have a very awkward moment when the rescue workers dig you out of the rubble.
But there’s another shock too . . . and that’s when you confront the darkest side of the spirit world. When you come in contact with evil, it’s shocking in a very different way.

The evil could be viewing the most disgusting forms of pornography
...which is why it's always a good idea to knock before entering evil's bedroom.
...and I’m not just talking about viewing hard-core porn online. I’m referring to stuff Planned Parenthood foists on innocent children; or the shock of hearing the smutty, degrading names for conservatives, as in “tea baggers.”
 "How dare you call me a tea bagger?!"
 "Exactly!  It's disgusting!  Call me by my preferred name...Tea bagging ball capper!"
Simply surfing the Web these days, you’ll see the most reprehensible, unconscionable, and, yes, evil and shocking stuff that you could imagine — or never imagine.
Here, Robin, maybe this will help...
All around us, there are acts of God and there are acts of evil.
So a picture of naked boobs is an act of evil, but an earthquake is an act of God?  I somehow suspect that Japan -- if given the option -- would have preferred that their Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant be hit by a copy of Juggs magazine.
 If you’ve felt the awe of watching a baby born
 You know how moving it can be, right up until the moment the parents and doctor ask, "Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in the delivery room?"
...you know the majesty that is God. If you’ve been a victim of a violent crime, you recognize that evil exists, and that it too is shocking, but in the most disturbing of ways.
Maybe it's luck, but I've spent most of my life in the two biggest cities in the country, and yet I've never been mugged by porn.
This is a circuitous way of moving on to my main topic, of a news event that I found utterly shocking. It was the announcement of the death of Andrew Breitbart, at age 43. Andrew Breitbart, for God’s sake!
The last person you'd ever expect to drop dead was the husky, drunken rage monkey who was last seen being dragged away from a group of puzzled protestors while hoarsely shrieking, "Stop raping people!"
 Unlike Rush or Hannity, Breitbart didn’t just report on and analyze the news. He made it.
Out of the same stuff most manufacturers use to make nitrate-rich fertilizer.
 He was one of the main people to bring down Acorn, and he had a huge hand in exposing “Farmgate.”
Mr. McGregor's midnight visits to Peter's hutch would not go unavenged!
Breitbart apparently had the goods on Obama: Breitbart had announced that he possessed secret tapes about Obama and his connection to revolutionaries. Then Breitbart suddenly died. This is the stuff of suspense thrillers, if it weren’t so horribly real.
If it were just horrible, it would be the stuff of Tom Clancy suspense thrillers.
Was Breitbart’s death an Act of God? Or was it an act from the polar opposite realm?
Breitbart was snuffed by Santa!
I don’t know. I have no inside information. However, I no longer believe everything that authorities tell me.
For instance, this letter from the California Board of Behavioral Sciences revoking Robin's license in Marriage and Family Therapy is clearly a tissue of complex, Illuminati-inspired lies!
The LA Coroner’s office performed the autopsy — they of Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and Nicole Simpson fame.
Which you can't trust, because apparently all those people are still secretly alive.
Apparently, the office quickly determined that Breitbart died of “natural causes,” that is, a heart problem. Interesting they knew that so quickly, while Houston’s autopsy took a week or so.
I like to think her bloodstream was more interesting.
Certainly, there are 40-something men who suddenly drop dead. I’ve known of a couple of people– however, they were involved in intense athletics at the time. 
Finally, we've discovered Robin's true identity.  She was Nelson Rockefeller's  secretary!
But I haven’t heard of too many people simply walking home from a night on the town who keel over and die.
Reading the headlines at Townhall and Pajamas Media, one can only hope that Breitbart, as he so often did in the past, will prove a trendsetter.
And how weird is it that he supposedly went out to a bar drinking
Have you ever seen video of Breitbart, Robin?  Because this is the least weird part of the story.
...and then embarked on a leisurely stroll around LA around midnight. Oh — and then he suddenly died.

It surely could have happened. But it surely could not have as well.
Maybe both happened at once, as I prove in my monograph, Schrödinger's Asshole.
 In either case, the news is shocking to me; it reminds me of that creepy rumbling I’ve experienced one too many times since moving out here, that seizes you with an awful fright. You know something bad is going to happen, but you don’t know what.
From now on, whenever there's an earthquake, my first thought will be, "either my Hummel collection is in peril, or Tucker Carlson just dropped splay-legged to the floor like a poleaxed steer."
Breitbart’s death could have well been an Act of God. Or it could have been an act of evil. The left’s delicious delight at his demise is certainly devilish in and of itself.
So Breitbart was either killed by God, or Vivid Video, and the only way to find out the truth is to wait and see which one Perry Mason takes on as a client.

20 comments:

JoeBuddha said...

Actually, I DELIVERED both of my children (not by choice, btw) and found no evidence of the "Majesty of God".

Bogie said...

Watching something come out of a vagina: seeing the majesty of God.

Watching something go into a vagina: evil, Evil, EVIL!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Penis goes in, penis comes out, YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, Bogie.
~

tony in san diego said...

what an egoist: if something has not occurred to her in her own direct experience, it must be unreal.

Carl said...

But I haven’t heard of too many people simply walking home from a night on the town who keel over and die

Because, you licenseless loser, most of those people didn't spend their every waking hour trying to cultivate media attention and coverage instead of, say, pushing away from the bar and/or dinner table a bit earlier.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I like to think her bloodstream was more interesting.


You are a bad person. Fortunately, so am I, so I larfed.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Nice one, thunder O'Reilly.

Chris Vosburg said...

Tony of San Diego writes: what an egoist: if something has not occurred to her in her own direct experience, it must be unreal.

It's more like the world view of an infant-- or a cocker spaniel, for that matter. For example, when the rubber ball rolls under the couch, it is not merely hidden from view: it simply ceases to exist.

Chris Vosburg said...

Robin of Bedlam screws up the facts (again): Apparently, the office quickly determined that Breitbart died of “natural causes,” that is, a heart problem. Interesting they knew that so quickly, while Houston’s autopsy took a week or so.

The Los Angeles County Corner's Office has not issued an official cause of death for Breitbart, and has told the L.A.Times that it does not expect to do so for "several weeks."

The "natural causes" statement is that of Andrew's father-in-law, actor Orson Bean, paraphrasing the Doctors at UCLA Medical Center who attempted to revive Breitbart, and merely reflects the fact that he had no external injuries (you know, got hit by a bus or something).

lacp said...

Fucking Acts of God. How do they work?

M. Bouffant said...

I’m not the world’s best sleeper

Is there nothing Robin's good at?

Orson Bean, by the way.

Carl said...

Orson Bean, by the way.

Y'know, I was thisclose to forgiving him for his horrible portrayal of Frodo and now this...

Li'l Innocent said...

"Maybe both happened at once, as I prove in my monograph, Schrödinger's Asshole."

OK. You win. (Doubtless I'm not the first to say so.)

Chris Vosburg said...

Carl and M. Bouffant:

Personally, I'd be proud to have such a queer old duck as Orson Bean in the family, as I'm sure Andrew Breitbart was. Yes, his politics are all over the map, and he's kinda dotty, but that's to be expected-- it's Tinseltown, Jake.

David in NYC said...

"Breitbart had announced that he possessed secret tapes about Obama and his connection to revolutionaries."

You mean that "secret" tape that ran in its entirety on PBS' Frontline in 2008?

That tape?

Nancy Drew, she's not.

Chris Vosburg said...

O david.

You don't know these people vewwy well do you?

Plan B will surface soon, in the absence of outrage over plan A.

Breitbartians will claim that the real troo fax tape was buried along with Breitbart, because "he would have wanted it that way," and so there.

A dollar to the first moron to dig up Breitbart and claim that the absence of such a tape means that liberals got there first.

Li'l Innocent said...

I wonder if most conservatarians are as frightened, seemingly all the time, as Robin is?

I mean, I've got my trepidations, but she puts me to shame.

KWillow said...

Breitbart’s death could have well been an Act of God. Or it could have been an act of evil. The left’s delicious delight at his demise is certainly devilish in and of itself.
The "god" Robin and other wingers believe in is evil. The Left's delight at his (BBarts) death is reasonable and natural: the man ruined many innocent people and was actively plotting to destroy more. GOOD RIDDANCE to bad Rubbish.

creature said...

When I heard Blightfart clocked out, I realized it wasn't the first of April, and the sumbitch was no longer going to be annoying/entertaining rational humans. Then, I realized ALL of his asshole pals weren't dead. Yet.

Keith said...

It was neither "force majeur" or an act of evil. It was personal negligence.

So much for Andrew B. I've only recently paid enough attention to be aware of his drunken binges, and cringe when realizing he left behind four children, because Keith really ought not care. When one is
diagnosed with cardiac disease, has a tendency to behave in a manner
that many might construe as "over the top" (meaning they yell a lot at full volume and not just in print but at indigent souls on the
street), then constantly pour alcohol on top of it all -- it makes sense that one might drop dead in a pool of one's own vomit. A fitting end, and one I didn't want to post on the comments section. I have a fear of speaking ill of the dead.

Unless, of course, they are "really, really truly dead."