Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Jimmy Carter, History's Greatest Mon--Oh, Forget It

I suspect I'm getting too old for this stuff.  Not because of the bad back, or my Danny Glover-like exasperation with Mel Gibson's antics, but mostly because I remember when The Simpsons was satire.  Now it's a documentary -- and not even a tongue-in-cheek, Morgan Spurlock romp through popular culture, but a grim, pitiless, Errol Morris-like gaze into the abyss of modern American society.  In other words, I've been visiting World Net Daily.


Yes, Joseph ("Just For Menstache") Farah has gone beyond mockery, beyond satire, and is now traveling through The Twilight Zone, and by that I mean the zone with the sparkly vampires and the compulsively topless werewolves, not the literate one with the grasp of irony, flair for allegory, and frequent shots of Rod Serling coughing up a lung oyster.
What happens when an evil man is interviewed by a know-nothing interviewer from a corrupt and decadent faux news agency?
Karl Rove books another appearance on Hannity?
You need someone like me to sort out the sublime (not much of that) to the ridiculous.
While Joseph needs someone with a strong constitution to sort out his nose hair from his mustache before applying the weekly Just For Men, because dying your nasal cilia is contraindicated, according to the manufacturer.  As Barbra Streisand so memorably sang, "People...Who need People.  Are the luckiest People...in the world"  Except for the People who pull proboscis pelt duty on days when Joseph has a salon appointment.
So that’s what we’re going to do. Decipher and decode the Huffington Post’s Q&A with the insufferable Jimmy Carter.
Oh good, more of Farah's thoughts on Jimmy Carter.  It's like reading Moby Dick, if Ahab had been obsessed with harpooning Clara Peller.
Asked by HuffPost senior religion editor Paul Brandeis about Creation, Carter said: “I happen to have an advantage there because I am a nuclear physicist by training and a deeply committed Christian. I don’t have any doubt in my own mind about God who created the entire universe. But I don’t adhere to passages that so and so was created 4,000 years before Christ, and things of that kind. Today we have shown that the earth and the stars were created millions, even billions, of years before. We are exploring space and sub-atomic particles and learning new facts every day, facts that the Creator has known since the beginning of time.”

Well, wait a minute! Was it millions of years ago or billions? There’s a big difference between the two. Why so imprecise? That doesn’t sound like a nuclear physicist talking. Just how old is the Earth?
Above the age of consent, I hope, because it's getting fracked on a daily basis.  (And yes, 88-year old man, your failure to properly card Creation is making it extremely difficult to plan a birthday party for the Universe, because we're not sure if it's appropriate to hire a stripper.)
And if the Creator has known all this from the beginning of time, why would He inspire the authors of the Bible to get it wrong?
Simple!  For just as Candid Camera begat Punk'd, so the Bible begat Candid Camera.
Asked about homosexuality and the Bible, Carter had this to say: “Homosexuality was well-known in the ancient world, well before Christ was born, and Jesus never said a word about homosexuality. In all of his teachings about multiple things – he never said that gay people should be condemned. I personally think it is very fine for gay people to be married in civil ceremonies.”

Wait a minute! Isn’t Jesus God?
Turns out, no -- it was actually a case of identity theft.  Jesus was using an ATM card skimmer.
And didn’t God inspire the Bible? 
Which part?  The first part that contradicts the second part, or the second part that contradicts the first part?  And isn't Joseph question begging?  And if God is love, and God inspired the men who wrote the Bible, then who wrote the Book of Love?
Just because Jesus isn’t quoted in red letters in the Bible discussing homosexuality, does that mean He never addressed it? 
I'm sure he covered it in the lost testament, The Gospel of Saint Dorm Room Bull Sessions.
Doesn’t it suggest, on the contrary, that Jesus didn’t dispute the law of the Bible? 
In that case, I'll bet he's pretty embarrassed about this whole "Christianity" thing that mushroomed after his death.  "Jews, people...We're supposed to be Jews!  Weren't you listening?"
In fact, wouldn’t His atoning sacrifice on the cross be rendered ineffective if He didn’t uphold the law in its entirety? 
You, there!  Put down that shrimp scampi and start stoning your daughter!
Does Jimmy Carter believe there is disagreement within the Trinity on homosexuality?
You tend to get that in any love triangle, especially the one in the 1971 British drama, Sunday, Bloody Sunday, in which the omnisexual Holy Ghost was essayed by Murray Head.
Here’s what the Bible says about homosexuality with no ambiguity:

"Leviticus 18:22: “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”
Oh, oh, too late!  Should have kept your kinds separated!  (That reminds me, I need to sort the laundry, assuming I'm not killed by this mutant homosexual).
Romans 1:24-28: “Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;”
This actually sounds more like the droning monologues the homeless guy who lives in front of the Wax Museum murmurs into his beard when it gets hot, and less like the kind of thing one should base a civil rights policy on.
Of course Jesus never said “gay people should be condemned.” In fact, I don’t know anyone who says that.
At most, Joseph's friends merely demand that the Department of Building Safety and City Engineering cite gay people for faulty wiring, substandard plumbing, and serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members.
 What most Bible-believers say is that homosexuals should turn away from their sin – just like adulterers, fornicators and liars should. Further, Jesus does talk very specifically about marriage – 
...from the perspective of a confirmed bachelor with 12 close male friends.
and he affirms what it is supposed to be in God’s economy: an institution between one man and one woman for life (Mark 10:7-9).
Jesus was sweet, but a little naive.  But perhaps marriage would work better if we thought of it as a union of two life-minded individuals united in love and commitment, rather than a cog in "God's economy," because that makes it feel more like a tranche.
Carter continues: “I draw the line, maybe arbitrarily, in requiring by law that churches must marry people. I’m a Baptist, and I believe that each congregation is autonomous and can govern its own affairs. So if a local Baptist church wants to accept gay members on an equal basis, which my church does by the way, then that is fine. If a church decides not to, then government laws shouldn’t require them to.”
Arbitrarily? Has Carter ever read the First Amendment? And what about the Bible-believing civil judge?
Oh!  Oh!  I know this one...He's a contradiction in terms?  Wait, no -- I want to change my answer!  He's bad at his job...?
 Should he or she be forced to violate his or her own moral principles by being forced to participate in sin?
Just like the registrar at the University of Mississippi when James Meredith tried to sign up for class?
Question: “Jesus says I am the way the truth and the life (John 14:6). How can you remain true to an exclusivist faith claim while respecting other faith traditions?”
Question:  A train leaves Philadelphia at 1:00 PM, heading west at at 94 miles an hour.  An eastbound train leaves Cincinnati at 2:30, traveling at 88 miles an hour.  They meet at 9:45 PM, and Gomez Addams blows them up, and it turns out they were toy trains operated by a sitcom character.  Discuss.
Carter: “Jesus also taught that we should not judge other people (Matthew 7:1), and that it is God who judges people, so I am willing to let God make those judgments, in the ultimate time whenever it might come. I think ‘judge not that you be not judged’ is the best advice that I will follow. Maybe it is a rationalization, but it creates a lack of tension in my mind about that potential conflict. There are many verses in the Bible that you could interpret very rigidly and that makes you ultimately into a fundamentalist. When you think you are better than anybody else – that you are closer to God than other people, and therefore they are inferior to you and subhuman – that leads to conflict and hatred and dissonance among people when we should be working for peace.”

But that’s not what Christians are commanded to do by Jesus. We are commanded to spread the gospel for the salvation of many. I know this hasn’t been a big part of Jimmy Carter’s life. But it remains the unequivocal, central role of the Christian in the world.
It's cute when self-righteous fundies go on a five state apostate fingering spree.  It reminds me of Doghouse Riley's observation (I'm paraphrasing) that you can crack open the phone book in any mid-sized American city and find 431 flavors of the One True Faith.
 We’re not supposed to just live and let live – because to do that actually means death for those we don’t confront with their sin and the salvation message. 
Although when you're persistent enough in your proselytizing, they often begin praying for death, so I'd call it a push.
Question: “There is a scripture passage attributed to Jesus, ‘Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth, I did not come to bring peace but a sword’ (Matthew: 10:34). How do you interpret that, in light of your basic belief in Jesus as the Prince of Peace?” 
Christ was strapped?
This is why I call Jimmy Carter a truly evil person. He still tries to masquerade as a Christian, though his views are increasingly heretical if not those of an apostate. 
We still have to prove it, though.  Okay, we'll need a giant apothecary's scale, and a duck...  (By the way, I once masqueraded as a Christian at a Halloween party in college, and I'll be frank -- I totally did not get laid).
Jesus says when judgment day comes, there will be some He turns away, even though they claim to have prophesied in His name.

“Depart from me, I never knew you,” Jesus says (Matthew 7:23). I wonder what goes through Carter’s mind when he reads that verse with Rosalyn?
Well, knowing ol' Mr. Lust in His Heart, I bet it's something dirty.

27 comments:

Stacia said...

Wondering out loud here: How many "Bible-believing civil judges" participate in divorce hearings even if their religion forbids divorce? I'm thinkin' at least a few.

To a non-Christian like me, the Christianity that American pundits discuss seems like a pick-and-choose buffet with no rules except the rules you're personally keen on.

Saaayy... Blogger added the ability to get email followup comments again. Spiff.

Penh said...

I wonder what goes through Farah's mind when he reads that verse? Just kidding, I know exactly what he thinks. "Dude, when I get there, Jesus is gonna high-five me, and say I've got a bitchin' 'stache, and then let me sit in his lap! I bet he'll even let me push some liberals into the Pit!"

Carl said...

And here you all thought Pink Wingnut had arrived.

It hasn't, but it's close.

Not content with disputing global warming or evolution or even biology, Joseph Farah has now staked his late claim to the ultimate Creationsim.

After all, if he can prove that the world didn't exist 7,000 years ago, he wins.

Here's the thing, Joe: Science has indisputably shown evidence the planet existed billions of years ago.

Now, yes, it's true: God might have faked the evidence in order to extract the "faithful," but let me ask you a sober and serious question.

Why would you want to follow a charlatan for the most basic of your emotional and spiritual needs? After all, as Einstein observed, God might play dice with the universe, but why would he defraud His own children?

Anonymous said...

"Mainline Protestant says 'God tells us, judge not!'; Fundamentalist replies: 'Are you saying God didn't write Leviticus?'"

That's no more noteworthy than the other ten billion times we've seen exactly the same exchange. What's worth noting is Farah's saying that all Christians who are NOT fundamentalists are "truly evil people." That would be somewhere in the neighborhood of a billion truly evil people around the world (everybody calling themselves "Christians" who don't believe in the six-day creation).

And he is unquestionably saying that, because Carter said absolutely nothing which would not be agreed to by hundreds of millions of non-fundamentalist Christians.

(Jeffrey Kramer)

Cole said...

Holy fuck.

These people are making me thirsty.

Green Eagle said...

"men with men working that which is unseemly...God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;”

"Unseemly;" "Not Convenient." Even Farah's own quoted bible verse hardly attacks them in very strong terms, for a God who is not afraid to consign people to lakes of fire, etc.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

That man has a brain-eating caterpillar on his face.
~

J Neo Marvin said...

This is the result of 30 years of the media using the word "Christian" when they mean "batshit crazy fundamentalist."

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Well, wait a minute! Was it millions of years ago or billions? There’s a big difference between the two. Why so imprecise? That doesn’t sound like a nuclear physicist talking. Just how old is the Earth?

You have GOT to be fucking kidding.

As I often say, you can't argue with logic like that.

Jesus says when judgment day comes, there will be some He turns away, even though they claim to have prophesied in His name.

The lack of self-awareness is breathtaking.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Overall, though, I really prefer arguing about Zardoz.

heydave said...

Farah is solid stupid, Jerry, solid stupid!

ckc (not kc) said...

...when you're persistent enough in your proselytizing, they often begin praying for death

(and not their own, might we add)

Li'l Innocent said...

Zombie RMcD said

"The lack of self-awareness is breathtaking."

That's what always gets me. If I believed what Farrah says he believes, I'd be going really easy on the calumniatings and accusings and the other Pharisee-like activities.

KWillow said...

If Mr Groucho-inked-on-mustache really believes every person who doesn't believe/follow the litteral words of the bible is EEEEEVIL!, then just about every human being is, including him.
And he's ugly, too.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

..and his mother dresses him funny.

Carl said...

That man has a brain-eating caterpillar on his face.

That poor starving caterpillar.

Larkspur said...

"And here you all thought Pink Wingnut had arrived...."

Oh crap. I must have missed an episode. I didn't know about Pink Wingnut. Unless maybe we're talking about Code Pink Wingnut? Guess it's time to deploy the google.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Thunder & Carl:

"That man has a brain-eating caterpillar on his face."

That poor starving caterpillar.

BEST. THING. I'VE. SEEN. ALL. FUCKING. WEEK.

Granted, it's been a pretty shitty fucking week/month/year/life/recycling/etc., but that was some funny shit.

As opposed to the shit with the shitstache.

Yo, FARAH: YOU. DO. *NOT* FUCKING. FUCK. WITH. JIMMY. FUCKING. *CARTER.* FUCKING. PERIOD. YOU WASTE OF OXYGEN, SHARPIE-HUFFING, PEDERAST FUCKING FUCKTARD!!!!!! Most especially, one NEVER impugns Mrs. Rosalyn Carter.

I'ma be living in the truck in 24 days, with a lovely pop-up canopy to go over the infantile-tiny bed, to keep Biddy & myself from frying to a crisp, so all I need is gas money and directions to this ignorant, bigoted piece-of-shit-on-a-stick motherfucker's HOUSE. Creche, cardboard box, rock from under which he slitherith, what-the-fuck-ever.

80% of my shit is in storage, I gotta be outta this racist hellhole where even my CREOLE TOMATO PLANTS GET MURDERED on the 30th, and after that, I got NOTHIN' BUT FREEEEEE FUCKIN' *TIME,* KIDS. I say that we take this bug-fucker OUT.

Somebody wanna use their credit card to rent the woodchipper? I've already got a trailer hitch on the pickup... No a/c, but definitely got the wiring harness for the brake lights on any haul-behind vehicle/trailer/major appliance.

Biddy's not FOND of road trips, but she'll cope. Long as I keep her humidifier going and her prednisone pills coming.

Christopher said...

Thus has it ever been. Just after the big J floated up into the sky, people looked at His words, and said to themselves,

"I sure do love Jesus!

But, I don't want to hate sex, be an absolute pacifist and give every single thing I own to the poor.

Probably Jesus was just exaggerating when he said all that stuff I didn't like. Good thing he was completely sincere about the stuff I do like!"

Anyway:

and he affirms what it is supposed to be in God’s economy: an institution between one man and one woman for life (Mark 10:7-9).

Or until such time as one of them commits a sexual infidelity (Matthew 5:31).

Or, ya know, if we go back to that law that J's dad wrote, which He'd obviously have no disagreement with, pretty much any time the husband wants(Deuteronomy 24:1).

Fuck's sake, I've only skimmed the damn bible, and I was able to remember this stuff.

They should make you take a test before you can talk about what the bible says in public.

KWillow said...

If the US were really a christian country, Social Security and Medicare and publicly funded education K-College would be written into the Constitution. NO children or adults would go hungry, a million houses would sit empty and decaying while a million "homeless" people lived under bridges or public parks. And so on and so on...

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

KWillow, ever-generous friend & confidant, can I drive out thar and park in your driveway? Granted, my surrogate/pseudo-adopted "daughter" in Texas sez that I can go stay in her trailer, but I really don't wanna hear what she & her fiance' do through those thin-as-fuck walls... whachu think?

XOXOXO
ASC

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

P.S.: Am I the only one who's more than a little creeped-out by the "Earn A Bible Degree" ad below this post?

KWillow said...

I have the browser "Camino" which blocks all, or 99.9% of ads. It's imperfect in other ways, but I really like it just the same.

Anti, I'm thinking about your plight, and even pondering, bit without any great ideas yet. But like that really stupid song says "You're always on my mind".

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

I know, love, I know. Hell, without you and Realist, I'd have disappeared from the innernet toobs altogether already!

We don't even have a lousy fucking KOA anywhere in the vicinity, for me to safely camp-out in the bed of my truck and get an occasional shower. All of the former "campgrounds" have converted to RV hook-ups, and no tents or truck-campers allowed. And nope, not holding my breath on those idiots who were supposed to "PROTECT" me FROM illegal fucking bullshit racist evictions like the one that just went down --- not a one of 'em has bothered to contact me since they helped the world's most-evil "legal aid" so-called fucking "lawyer" fat ass TO THROW ME UNDER THE FUCKING BUS. Awfully neat & tidy, ain't it?

And I've been looking for better digs since I got here, and of course, all of those fucking foreign-investor-owned, yankee-managed "mixed-income housing" units FORBID and PROHIBIT the occupancy of lowlife PO' FOLKS like ME, i.e., NON-BREEDING, NON-WELFARE-QUEEN BITCHES WHO DO NOT RECEIVE FIFTEEN HUNDRED OR MORE A MONTH SIMPLY BY DINT OF OPENING THEIR LEGS AND SPITTING-OUT SEVERAL SPAWN. If you're an employed person, you're more than welcome. If you collect a sinful fucking FORTUNE in welfare/WIC/Medicaid Dental for you & all your spawn (not applicable for non-breeding scum like me!), etc., YOU *ARE* THEIR TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.

If you make $697/mo. like I do from the Social Security Disability that you paid-in all of your fucking life, YOU AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH AND AIN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO APPLY at some of 'em and are expected to cough-up THREE HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING BUCKS ***IN CASH*** FOR THE FUCKING PRIVILEGE OF ***APPLYING*** TO THEIR MOTHERFUCKING WAITING LIST!!!!!! Destroyed the Magnolia & St. Thomas projects and half of Irish Channel to build 2,400+ units (and the world's most-expensive fucking WALLY WORLD!!!), but only TWENTY OF THEM ARE FOR THE DISABLED AND/OR ELDERLY!!!!!

(TRUNCATED...)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(Cont'd)

Mayor Mitchy-Poo Landrieu is getting THE rudest telephone call of his LIFE on Monday morning, since he undoubtedly made a FORTUNE in kickbacks from the foreign/yankee real-estate scum who've profited the MOST from Cheney's Katrina Genocide (Quoth Karl Rove, Day 2: "Well, THERE'S your solution to the 'PUBLIC HOUSING PROBLEM'!!!")!!!! Fuck him AND his whore of a sister, who doesn't represent ANYBODY in the state of Lousyana EXCEPT B.P. AND HER MOTHERFUCKING ***POPE***, along with all of his PEDOPHILE HENCHMEN!!!

Crabby? Moi? Does it show much? I know, I should be trying to form this shit into a cogent post over to my own joint, I just can't seem to "get it up," so to speak. Every time I leave the house, I see boodles of healthy, happy, bitchy young'uns, every color of the rainbow, from infants to toddlers to kindergarten-aged spawn, all running around, playing, throwing fits, and it makes me sick to my stomach with rage and injustice, because Jada never got to do ANY OF IT. I'm going to try and leave the house tonight, to go to the last shredded remnant of what used to be the Dungeon and people-watch. It's our last tourist-free weekend, before the entire Department of the Navy invades, bellbottoms & jarheads alike, for THREE FUCKIN' WEEKS, commemorating the Battle Of New Orleans, that genocidal Injun-killin' maniac Andrew fucking Jackson, and the War of 1812. Whoop tee fuckin' doo. And by the time that THEY leave, I'll be searching for safe places to park my truck and sleep in the bed under mosquito netting thoughtfully sent by Terrible after Gustav. So think of it as my last meagre hurrah, so to speak. If I can work-up the energy, I may even put on makeup, war-paint to distract the strangers from my meth-whore "smile," a verb that I haven't done since I first got this cheap-plastic partial which knocked-out all four of my canines and the rest of my front teeth.

As Mentis is wont to ask, I'd love to know which important individual that I happened to have killed and EATEN in my last life, in order to "deserve" this one!!!

Carl said...

I must have missed an episode. I didn't know about Pink Wingnut. Unless maybe we're talking about Code Pink Wingnut?

I blame OS Lion's spellcheck.

Also, there may have been alcohol involved...

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Alcohol?!??!?

Not YOU, Carl!!!

Say it ain't so, son, I'd never believe it, you being such a staunch tee-totaling super-moral type and all...


heh heh heh heh heh heh...