Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Let's Go On a Mystery Date...With SPAM!

By Keith, World O' Crap's Senior Involuntary Telecommunications Correspondent

Mystery Shopper, + other employment opportunities...
Since Scott has bared the depths of his spam bucket with Wo'C, thought I might try it as well. I run Linux and am not anxious opening spam … but why bother? I may do it more often as we do find delicious treats like this.
“Evaluation Systems For Personnel is seeking mystery shoppers around the USA It is a Stress free work and will not affect your current job. You will be earning $800 or More Monthly ($120 Per Assignment, and can do up to 10 Assignments in a Month) as a mystery shopper for our organization.”
At least someone has money to go shopping. But stress-free? I remember from my days at Tower Records when one certain “mystery shopper” got a little free and easy with one of our clerks and the result was violent, to say the least. The “mystery shopper” got hit upside the head and it was drama on the selling floor. Not good for business.

Will he be a dream?  Or a dud?
This is actually really...STRESSFUL...!

Next up:  “Please I rally rally need your help,”
“I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart. My name is Miss Anifa Kipkalya Kones, 25yrs old female and I held from Kenya. My father was (Dr Kipkalya Kones) the former Kenyan road Minister. He and Assistant Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Laboso had been on board the Cessna 210, which was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area called Kajong'a, in western Kenya.The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June, 2008.”
Unremarkable, but from the above subject, Ms. Kones might be the reincarnation of Katherine Hepburn (Go Kate, go with Nigerian 419. You run scams so well). And please everyone --- avoid flights on Cessna light aircraft when visiting Kenya. Your survivors will be writing with tears and sorrow from their hearts --- to spam-bots.

Now let's hear from Ms. Lonelyheart. She's right out of a Nathanael West wet dream:
“how are you today? i hope you are keeping good. My name is Miss Stella (female), I saw your contact today so, i decided to extend my greetings to you. Presently i can not really specify what prompted my drive to write you but, i did have the mind that you could be a nice person.”
Dear Miss Stella (female), I write for World O' Crap. I am not a nice person. In fact, many of my friends consider me to be a cold, rather heartless human entity. Deep inside is a different story, but when you get your shit together to decide what prompted your drive to write me, give a shout-out. I'm sure we'll hit it off right. I've got some good Martha Stewart jokes I'd love to tell you.

None of this would be interesting if I didn't mention that some netizens (well, not me yet) are rising up against the onslaught of spam thrashing inboxes or junk mail folders. Apparently, engaging in polite conversations with spammers can go on for months. You, the correspondent, can request your interlocutor to do just about anything in order to keep the scam running. Role reversal allows you to take control and put the scammer in the role of “victim.” You might even request your victim pose for sexually humiliating “trophy shots,” submitted in any digital format you require. Seems like much more fun than just sitting around watching Criminal Minds reruns. I don't suggest you take up this endeavor but you might find it funny. I may try this at home.
...with two to four players.

3 comments:

Carl said...

I often ask the 419ers for naked pictures and whether they mind if I include my goat.

Usually shuts them up.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Seems like much more fun than just sitting around watching Criminal Minds reruns.

Turn your low bar into a high bar!
~

Anonymous said...

The money scammers and the Lottery - you have won !!! I don't mind so much - they're so transparent. But I resent having penis-growing methods and come-ons from anonymous hookers (?) show up every damn day. A leetle off-target in your spamming marketing research there, fellers.
Oh and especially the ones that have stolen a friend's email address so that it appears legit. Hate those.
Suezboo
Suezboo