Thursday, November 8, 2012

This Post Brought to You By the Letter M and the Number 2

My grandfather was a tough old bird.  A rancher and a gun-totin' member of the San Dimas Sheriff's Posse, I once watched him kill a rattlesnake with a shovel, then stomp its head under the heel of his cowboy boot.  The rattler's venom sac burst, which I mention only because the resulting spatter reminds me a bit of Mary Matalin's current output at National Review:
Mendacity and Malice Won
What happened? A political narcissistic sociopath...
By which she means Obama.  Ordinarily I'd reject this kind of language as bitterness and hyperbole, but Matalin worked closely with both Karl Rove and Dick Cheney,  and while I can disagree with her diagnosis of the President, I can no more dismiss her knowledge of narcissistic sociopaths than I could tell Orville Redenbacher to bone up on popcorn.
 ...leveraged fear and ignorance with a campaign marked by mendacity and malice rather than a mandate for resurgence and reform. 
Obama could have made this election about alliteration, but he refused to take the high road.
Instead of using his high office to articulate a vision for our future, Obama used it as a vehicle for character assassination, replete with unrelenting and destructive distortion, derision, and division.
I respect Ms. Matalin; she's been a professional wordsmith for many years, and I appreciate her sharing a few tricks of the trade.  For instance, if your deadline is looming and you've got nothing in the way of an original or coherent thought, flip the dictionary open to a random page, pick the first four words you see, and use them in a sentence.  I guarantee the results will be delightful, delovely, delicious, and De Soto.
Mitt Romney distinguished himself and conservatism with a grounded, courageous, forward-thinking problem-solving reform agenda for a nation ready to renew and starved for leadership and maturity.
So Mitt Romney's platform makes perfect sense, provided you're suffering from low blood sugar, a bloated belly, and dangerously depleted electrolytes.
He is a man of integrity and character
The character, for those playing along at home, is Baron M√ľnchhausen.
...as is his whole family. And unlike in the 1996 and 2008 Republican campaigns, which — though led by men of great personal integrity — were marked by dead-end policy prescriptions, Romney/Ryan laid a durable philosophical and policy foundation for the next generation of conservative leadership.
Those prescriptions sound pretty amazing, and would probably benefit the current generation of conservative leaders; but I guess they've been earmarked for the next generation because children are our future (teach them well and let them lead the way), and because actually zeroing in on Romney/Ryan's position on any given issue is a bit like an Easter egg hunt, and despite their refreshing lack of shame, even John Boehner and Mitch McConnell might feel a bit conspicuous wandering around with gaily painted baskets stuffed with plastic grass, hard-boiled eggs, and durable philosophies.
Unfortunately and unfortuitously, forces of nature bookended the general election:
I hope they exchanged insurance information.
Our convention was compromised by one weather disaster and our momentum stalled by another. 
When you carefully consider it, the outcome of the Presidential election is really just a matter of opinion: liberals think Romney was beaten by Obama, while conservatives believe he was trounced by Thor.
Two human hurricanes also radically altered the political atmosphere: 
American boxer Ruben "Hurricane" Carter and Irish snooker player Alex "Hurricane" Higgens -- neither of whose intervention in our electoral process, I might add, was predicted by Nate Silver.
Bill Clinton’s unique windbaggery constituted a campaign updraft, while Chris Christie’s deplorable and gratuitous gas-baggery infused the campaign with a toxic political pollution.
So basically, the American People were happily sharing an elevator with Mitt, when Chris Christie farted.
We live to fight again. See St. Paul from today.
Okay.  Nice enough looking town, I guess, but I'm still not voting for Paul Ryan in 2016.

17 comments:

Carl said...

But this re-election was brought to you by the letters "F" and "U".

Carl said...

I wish Matalin would use her high orifice for something other than spewing nonsense.

heydave said...

In the words of fabulous, furry, Friedman, Mary: Go. Fuck. Yourself.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

We'd had gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you kids...err, that hurricane!
~

Anonymous said...

"Mendacity and malice"? "Mandate for resurgence and reform"? Did she read some of Spiro Agnew's old speeches before she wrote this? I keep waiting for "nattering nabobs of negativiwm" to show up.

Chris Vosburg said...

Okay, Kubler Ross Stage One, Denial.

Gonna get nasty when these clowns move on to Stage Two (anger).

Seriously, you ain't seen nothing yet. I'm a little bit worried, because a lot of faces got rubbed into a lot of shit, and as I've said elsewhere, there's nothing more dangerous than a cornered rat.

Chris Vosburg said...

Mary Matalin writes: Bill Clinton’s unique windbaggery constituted a campaign updraft, while Chris Christie’s deplorable and gratuitous gas-baggery infused the campaign with a toxic political pollution.

The Shoveller (Mystery Men) writes: We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.

Chris Vosburg said...

Anonymous writes: "Mendacity and malice"? "Mandate for resurgence and reform"?

Man, that girl sure is keen on them alliterations, ain't she? Hot damn, Carville Crash Couch tonight, hyuk yuk!

Chris Vosburg said...

And congratulations, Mary, you've officially graduated the College of Conservative Clueless Clowns Corps, look to this day, oh graduates...

You know, Donald Trump actually deleted last night's goofy tweets. Will you feel the same embarrassment?

Not bloody likely.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Obama used it as a vehicle for character assassination, replete with unrelenting and destructive distortion, derision, and division.


Obviously, she feels Obama was guilty of violating the Republican copyright.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

So she is of the opinion that Mitt Romney didn't lie ENOUGH?

Anonymous said...

”Unfortunately and unfortuitously, forces of nature bookended the general election: Our convention was compromised by one weather disaster and our momentum stalled by another.”
Hey, deny global warming, get electorally sodomized by global warming!
What, should they have gotten a national security briefing that read "Prince Namor determined to attack in U.S" !

BillyWitchDoctor said...

"He is a man of integrity and character...as is his whole family."

BZZT! Mittens and his kittens love them some war, but only if they're fought by the Poors. Mitt ducked out of service and Mitt's li'l shits announced it was "more important to help" Daddy "win the culture war here at home."

Does that sound like integrity to you, Mary?

Faster, Harder, More Challenging GeoX said...

Oh man, unfortunately AND unfortuitously? This is some serious shit.

scripto said...

Jeez, Mary. How about we weren't buying what the Governor was selling?

Mararama said...

Wow, that was delirious, delectable and delimit!

Weird Dave said...

NOW!!! With Video!

Via