Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Gaffe-ny

[Programming Note: We're having an Automobile Reanimation Beg-a-Thon, in an effort to rouse our car from its two year-long coma in time for Mary to start her new job -- which, unlike her last one, is not on the bus line.  Details here.  We now join our post already in progress...]

Somebody hand me the phone.  Frank Gaffney's erection has persisted longer than four hours, and I'm starting to get worried...
 "Look at this thing!  It's like a front porch flag pole!...By the way, any of you troopers feel like coming over here and blowing reveille?"
GAFFNEY: America’s ‘Iron Lady’
Michele Bachmann is fearless in challenging Islamist influence
Movie theaters across America have recently showed a film depicting former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, a woman whose visionary leadership and fortitude — particularly in the fight against Soviet communism — earned her the sobriquet “the Iron Lady.”

Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann's hallucinatory leadership and ineptitude earned her various nicknames, including "the Flycatcher," "Bat Boy," and "Overjoyed Contestant Selected for The Price Is Right."
Lady Thatcher’s partner in dispatching that toxic ideology to the “ash heap of history,” Ronald Reagan
Gaffney's description makes the two world leaders sound like the "sanitation engineers" played by Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen in the rollicking 1991 action-comedy, Men at Work.
Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan meet to discuss the Argentinian invasion of the Falkland Islands, 1982 (artist's conception).
Today, it is threatened by another totalitarian ideology that some have aptly described as “communism with a god”: the supremacist Islamic doctrine known as Shariah.
Which was a poor choice for a supremacist Islamic doctrine name, because they already call the wind Mariah, so they're continually getting each other's mail.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!  Do not drink or eat anything for the duration of the next sentence, especially hot or carbonated beverages, or foods which could pose a choking hazard, such as pretzels, peanuts, or pimento-stuffed olives.
Fortunately, it turns out that as we confront our time’s most imminent threat to freedom, we have found America’s Iron Lady: Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. 
Okay, if you've just drenched your keyboard, or are presently doubled over, wheezing and gagging and looking desperately around the room for someone who knows the Heimlich Maneuver, don't say the Robot from Lost in Space didn't warn you.
Her Thatcheresque qualities are evident in the fearless and visionary leadership she is providing in opposing Shariah’s most formidable champions, the Muslim Brotherhood.
Yeah, yeah, Michael Buffer.  Can you hurry up with the "...in this corner" introductions and just get to the "Let's get ready to ruuuuuumble!" part?
In particular, Mrs. Bachmann’s training as a tax attorney has prepared her well for the painstaking business of studying and mastering arcane organizational, financial and other relationships that are at the core of the stealthy subversion the Muslim Brotherhood calls “civilization jihad.” 
Maybe it's because Bruce Willis is a well known Hollywood conservative, but I consider it no coincidence that in the fifth installment of the venerable Die Hard series, John McClain retires from the police department and becomes a tax attorney who just happens to find himself trapped in an H & R Block office attacked by terrorists in Die Hard With a Penalty Abatement Under Chapter 13 Bankruptcy Rules.
Her experience raising 28 kids
Marcus's teats must be really sore.
counting her own and foster children, has steeled her against the name-calling and worse that have met her efforts to bring those skills to bear to expose and defeat the jihadists, wherever they may be.
So her kids called her names and worse?  What'd they do, pull a scimitar and declare a fatwa against Michele whenever she failed to trim the crust off their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
It’s a good thing.
Thanks, Martha Stewart.
 At the moment, Mrs. Bachmann is not facing mere name-calling but outright character assassination.
I would advise her character to steer clear of Ford's Theater and Dealey Plaza, but it's a pretty small target.
She has been singled out for special treatment despite the fact that she was one of five members of Congress (the others were Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas, Trent Franks of Arizona, Lynn A. Westmoreland of Georgia and Thomas J. Rooney of Florida) who had the temerity to send to the federal inspector general formal requests for investigations into Muslim Brotherhood influence operations inside our government. That’s a threat every bit as dangerous as the communist subversion of a generation ago.
A generation ago would have been roughly 1982.  Was communist subversion really a big thing at the time?  I think if you polled the American people that year, they would have agreed that our biggest problems were Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide, the continuing popularity of Knight Rider, a brutal recession, and the release of Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder's Ebony and Ivory.
It is, of course, no accident that Mrs. Bachmann is being subjected to such vilification by the Islamists
Now, is this the original Islamists, or is it one of those pick-up groups that just tours under the name, like the Coasters, or the Drifters?
their allies on the left and in the establishment media’s amen chorus.
Say what you will about the establishment media's amen chorus, Frank, but I firmly believe this is the year that they're going all the way to Regionals!
As a principled, articulate and wildly popular Tea Party leader and conservative, she is a prime target for electoral defeat by her political foes.
Maybe I failed to pay sufficient attention to Schoolhouse Rock, but as I understand our system of electoral politics, if you're a member of Congress, and someone else is running for your seat, shouldn't you pretty much assume they're trying to defeat you?
 These include her fellow Minnesotan, Rep. Keith Ellison, the “first Muslim congressman,” who launched the initial attack on our Iron Lady. More on him in a moment.
But first, a message from Secretly Halal Campbell's Soup.
Regrettably, the Minnesota congresswoman has also been criticized by figures in her own party.
And this time they didn't even have the decency to wait until Edward R. Murrow aired a damning expose on See It Now.
 Some defended one of the individuals identified in the five legislators’ letter to the State Department’s inspector general: Huma Abedin, deputy chief of staff for Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.
It's pretty suspicious that that she was singled out by name by her defenders just because she was singled out by name by her attackers.  That kind of thing unfairly levels the playing field, and subjects libel to the same standards of "equality" that has always defined socialism this week.
 Others seem determined to deflect or at least deny the problem of which she appears to be but one example and a symptom:
There are several ways to view John McCain in light of his speech defending Huma Abedin.  1)  as a conservative politician alarmed by the rising neo-McCarthyism in his party, 2.) as a chivalrous old gentlemen gallantly defending a woman's honor, or 3.) as a blister preventing Dr. Bachmann from draining the symptomatic pus from the body politic.
There are individuals with ties to the Muslim Brotherhood inside or at least influencing the White House, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence and the Departments of Justice, Defense and Homeland Security, as well as Foggy Bottom.
If the Muslim Brotherhood has actually managed to infiltrate all those institutions and departments -- and not just Frank Gaffney's pajama-pissing nightmares -- perhaps we should learn from their example, and see if we could use their methods to get a few Democrats in there.
With respect to Ms. Abedin, long-time federal prosecutor Andrew McCarthy noted in a brilliant expose posted at National Review Online on July 21, the question is not whether she has committed a crime but if she should have a security clearance. 
Because accusations of a crime would require, you know, proof of some kind.  Anyway, try as I might, I just can't stay mad at Frank, when he goes and does something like this -- rebutting claims of McCarthyism by citing a guy named McCarthy.  And one who believes, as s.z. discovered here, that the government doesn't need no stinking warrants to search and seize Muslims, because "the Fourth Amendment prohibits unreasonable searches, not warrantless searches."
The State Department’s own guidelines would appear to deny access to classified information to a person who has, as she does through living and deceased family members, “foreign associations that could create a heightened risk of foreign exploitation, inducement, manipulation, pressure, or coercion.”
Apparently Frank is privy to inside information concerning the imminent outbreak of the Zombie Apocalypse.  On the bright side, it seems the plague of undead will be less concerned with brain-eating, and more focused on subverting U.S. State Department diplomatic overtures in the Middle East and North Africa.
"Come on, Zombie Apocalypse, come onnn...!  Mama needs a date for CPAC!"
Until the critics — on Capitol Hill, in the media and elsewhere — perform the sort of due diligence that has characterized the approach taken by Mrs. Bachmann and her colleagues, their authority on the matter must be questioned.
The kind of due diligence which unearths hard and unexpected truths, such as the fact that -- contrary to popular misconception -- the 1969 Academy Award for Best Actor did not go to John Wayne Gacy  for his tough but tender portrayal of hard-drinking U.S. Marshal "Rooster" Cogburn in True Grit
That applies particularly to Mr. Ellison who claims not to know much about the Muslim Brotherhood, let alone have ties to it.
I like to claim that I have absolutely no connections to SPECTRE, but even I admit that my eye twitches a little when I say it.
Mrs. Bachmann’s response to her critics is vintage Lady Thatcher: “I will not be silenced.” 
You know, I don't even like Margaret Thatcher, and I still think it's sad that she's lived to see this comparison being made.  (Wait...Has she lived to see this comparison?  I better look her up on Wikipedia...Be right back...

Yep, she lived to see it.  Sad.)
We cannot allow America’s Iron Lady or her courageous colleagues to be silenced or otherwise punished for their needed leadership in countering the Muslim Brotherhood.
Well, the right bloggers and neo-cons seem filled with contempt toward the Significant Other in our Special Relationship, ever since the Brits dubbed Romney "Mitt the Twit," but just to be fair, let's flip over all the cards...This is their Iron Lady...
...and this is ours.
Finally...the X chromosome of Margaret Thatcher combined with the brain of Ronald Reagan.  It's like David Cronenberg's The Fly, but with kind of a downer ending.
Riley:  I can't believe it...Frank Gaffney actually makes you look smart!
Moondoggie:  I know, and I'm barely out-thinking this sock.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Good AND Bad News! It's Like a News McDLT!

I hope you'll forgive me, but I'm going to briefly seize control of the blog, in a kind of test of the Emergency Broadcast System, but without the color bars and the high-pitched, migraine-inducing electronic tone.  Sadly, this isn't only a test...

Due to budget cuts, curtailed enrollment, and other factors, Mary was "displaced" from the school she's worked at for the past decade, which in English means "laid off."  Ordinarily, this wouldn't be a cause for alarm, as the District would simply assign her to another school in the same dangerous, run-down, inner city neighborhood -- problem solved.  Except shortly after she was superannuated, the District announced that they were bored with the old system, and had decided to turn their staffing process into a Hunger Games-style competition, in which faculty openings were posted on the Internet, and teachers invited to fight over them.  The use of archery was encouraged, but not required.

Immediately, Mary went about tracking down vacancies, faxing out resumes, making phone calls, aware that if she didn't succeed in finding a job before school started, she'd be thrown into the Sub Pool (which is usually the climax to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel), and get work only when it was available.  So the pressure has been on, and frankly, things have been looking kinda grim for the past two months.

But here's where the Good News comes in:  She just got a job!  One she was really not expecting to get.  Even more amazing, it's in a better equipped, higher performing school, in a far less gun-, drug-, and gang-infested neighborhood (so, fewer amenities, but still...!).  But here's the Bad News:  It's all but inaccessible to public transportation, and our car died back in early 2010.  Having no rainy day funds, we were forced to let it rest in peace, which has been, as you can imagine, a bit of a challenge in Los Angeles.  But by leaving the house before dawn and taking the subway and two buses, Mary was able to get to and from her previous school; unfortunately that's no longer really an option.

Here's the Okay-ish News:  After consulting an expert, we've been told that the car is only mostly dead, and if we can raise $695, we can get it restored to running condition, licensed, and reinsured.  So this is actually less of a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, and more of an unscheduled telethon.

Before I go any further, I would like to deeply, sincerely apologize for this.  We came to you last year too, when the medical and veterinary bills piled up, and I feel awful for asking again. I fully realize that times are even tougher than they were the last time we rattled our tin cup, so if you're in no position to help, we completely understand.  If you do happen to have a few dollars you could throw our way, please click on the button at the top left.  Or, if you're not Pals with Pay, drop me a note at scott.clevenger - at - gmail.com and I'll send you our snail mail address.  Anything you could give would be a huge help to us.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Shrine or Scratching Post?" Edition

"AAHH!  The Virgin of Guadalupe!"

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Cinema Paradiso

By Keith

I spent weekends with my dad, who in the 1950's was employed as a union motion picture projectionist. My mom worked on weekends for the Bell System and they couldn't afford a housekeeper. What the hell?

Dad assigned me two jobs:

1) Watching for the "burn" in the upper right-hand corner and giving dad the shout-out (he was very skilled so didn't really need the advice);

2) Selecting the playlist of 50's singles to spin during intermissions or between shows.
 How cool is that? DJ at age 5? I still recall the unique smell of the lighting systems from the projectors and how marvelous and fascinating this machinery could be at my tender age.
Saw lots of pictures from the little window in that booth, but my favorites were the Warner Brothers cartoons, particularly the Road Runner. Readers, if you have never witnessed the fall of an "Acme" anvil onto Wile E. Coyote on a 40-foot screen then you have not really experienced movies as they were once exhibited.

There was a Disney cartoon, a one-reeler that both me and Dad would watch through the projection booth windows. It's a comment on the Franco regime in 1938 and was in circulation for some time after WWII.  Despite winning the Academy Award for Best Short Subject (Cartoons), Disney eventually withdrew the film, possibly due to criticism about how these Spaniards are portrayed -- as bullfighters. The bull in question is actually quite nice.

[Scott says:  Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 may recall that in The Unearthly, ubiquitous character actor Arthur Batanides recites the plot of this cartoon to a gun wielding Tor Johnson, but does kind of a half-assed job of it, and Tor registers his negative critical judgment by popping a cap in Artie's half ass.]

From the magic of YouTube, I present to you the lovely and lovingly-drawn cartoon Ferdinand The Bull. And please comment, because I've always wanted to know if others thought Ferdinand was not only a Loyalist sympathizer, but perhaps also a "Friend of Dorothy's"

Happy birthday, Dad.

Friday, July 27, 2012

A Coulter Front Moves in From the East

I apologize in advance, but despite the recent, Coulterless birthday celebrations, I'm afraid it's not going to be an entirely Ann-free week after all...
Obscurity: No Crueler Punishment!

I feel awful about what happened in Colorado...
I gather this is the sociopath's version of, "I'm not a racist, but..."
but can we stop the hugging and the teddy bears? Just as society can become inured to violence, it can also become inured to sentiment.
You can understand her annoyance.  In the wake of the Aurora shootings the milk of human kindness is flowing freely, and Ann is lactose intolerant.
There is nothing so hackneyed in the world of photojournalism as pictures of the hugging and the shrines with candles and teddy bears after a tragedy, with a piano softly trilling in the background.
As Heidi Klum is fond of saying on Project Runway, "In Fashion, one day you're in, and the next day, you're out," while Ann reminds us that the same is true of National Tragedies.  Grief is so last year, like a bubble skirt from Forever 21; plus, it smears your make-up.  So with this mass murder, instead of the same old, grandmotherly comfort and sympathy, let's try a fresh, young, kicky approach, like flat affect, or attachment disorder.
It is also not helpful to have politicians and television personalities pledging not to discuss the alleged shooter. Unlike most news, that information serves an actual purpose, such has helping us recognize warning signs in other potential mass murderers in the future.
Like buying 6,000 rounds of ammunition over the Internet?  No, that's perfectly normal, like wearing a black cocktail mini-dress for a 7 AM interview on the Today show.
Only people who are themselves obsessed with being famous could imagine that any kind of fame -- even infamy -- is some kind of a reward. Thus, President Barack Obama and MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell, among others, have vowed to punish the suspect by not mentioning his name. 
Being called a fame whore by Ann Coulter is like getting a stern lecture from Ray Milland's character in Lost Weekend about that second wine cooler you had on the Fourth of July.
If only we had thought of that with Adolf Hitler! Apparently, it wasn't Hitler's twisted Darwinian "master race" philosophy that led to the Holocaust. He just wanted to get his name in the paper. Say anything you want about how much I hate Jews -- just spell my name right! 
Ann may not agree with your insane plan to commit mass murder (or she may, I don't want to put words in her mouth), but she'll defend to the death your right to extensive media coverage in the bloody aftermath.

Say, I wonder how her last paragraph would read if we filtered it through the guys doing those ads for Romney with all the out of context Obama quotes?
 "Say anything you want about how much I hate Jews -- just spell my name right!"

Eh.  Not that big a difference, actually.
This is the apotheosis of the "Jersey Shore" mentality.
And this is pretty rich, coming from the equestrian class Snooki.
Similarly, why is it assumed that we honor the victims by endlessly dissecting their lives for public inspection? Maybe they were private people. The mad quest for fame is nearly as peculiar a phenomenon as the desire to commit murder. Not everyone has it.
It had to happen sooner or later, and today is the day when I finally agree with something Ann Coulter has written.  Even though I suspect it's only because she regards media exposure as a zero sum game, and the more time Fox News spends doing remote broadcasts from outside the victims' homes, the less time they'll have to interview Ann and get her thoughts on how the shooting was regrettable, but all this out-of-control empathy is a clear sign that we as a society are hemorrhaging testosterone, and swiftly becoming a nation run by the kind of people who need feminine hygiene products, rather than the manly sort who merely make big bucks decorating Kotex packages with bilingual trivia.
It's especially strange to assume that fame was the motive of alleged Colorado shooter James Holmes, inasmuch as the murders occurred at the premiere of a Batman movie;
Don't put the blame on fame!
All that not only indicates that Holmes is off his rocker -- the opposite of calculatingly pursuing press clips -- but also suggests the possibility that a movie inspired his deadly fantasy.

But no one would dare raise Hollywood violence as a possible cause of this mass murder. Former U.S. senator Christopher Dodd, now head of the Motion Picture Association of America, instantly came out for gun restrictions in response to the Colorado shooting.
Guns don't kill people.  Movies kill people!  Who are watching them.  While being killed by guns.  Look, do I have to spell it out?  People shoot guns, sure, but they also shoot movies, even going so far as to shoot movies called They Shoot Horses, Don't They?  Connect the dots, people!  (Oh wait -- that's pointillism.  Well, that probably kills too.)

Excuse me, I've just been handed a note...The NRA has asked the producers of They Shoot Horses, Don't They? to add a disclaimer to the forthcoming Blu-ray edition stating that "Guns don't kill horses, Depression-era dance marathons kill horses."
If I were Hollywood's chief lobbyist, I think I'd keep my yap shut after a mass shooting that was inspired, at least in part, by a Hollywood movie. 
So now we know what it takes to get a moment of silence out of Ann Coulter.  Not a mass murder, because we've had plenty of those since she first brayed her way onto the scene, and that kind of thing only seems to yank the nylon string in the back of her neck all the harder; she'd also have to be employed as the chief lobbyist of an industry which was tangentially involved, if not actually implicated, in the tragic events.  Of course, I don't really believe that even under those circumstances she could bring herself to shut up, as impatience with other peoples' pain is Ann's stock in trade.  In fact, she wrote a version of this same screed in her book, Godless: The Church of Liberalism, complaining that the 9/11 widows continued to mourn even after she was done with them:
"These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."
Anyway, until Ann deposes Chris Dodd from the MPAA, the yap is open for business.
I don't blame Hollywood any more than I blame the gun. But the refusal to consider the possibility of a Hollywood connection proves that not talking about Holmes is pure grandstanding.
If I may just quote Cole's response to the Mychal Massie post below:  "WHAT IS A WOOKIE DOING ON ENDOR?  Someone fucks up a logical construction as simple as this and you KNOW you are in for a spectacular display of intellectual rhetoric."
If these self-righteous champions of the victims really cared about stopping the next mass murderer, shouldn't they consider all possible factors?
As that has the skin-deep appearance of a legitimate question, let's treat it as such:  If a horrible event with a fairly obvious cause (lots of people are killed by a nut with a weapon purpose-built to kill lots of people) occurs, and that cause happens to be intensely awkward for most politicians, then "consider[ing] all the options" is a synonym for "doing nothing."  Rather than debate -- just debate -- reviving the assault rifle ban, let's instead consult with Bobby Jindal, who will undoubtedly diagnose demonic possession and prescribe a voluntary pre-purchase exorcism for all potential gun buyers.  The Vatican could set up a booth at gun shows, and hand out pea soup-flavored lollypops to the kids.
The copycat theory is only one of many, many theories about what inspires mass killings, but it's hardly airtight. There have been humans intent on murder since Cain -- and he didn't get the idea from watching an MSNBC special on Richard Speck. (Though I'm sure he would have loved MSNBC's prime-time programming!)
I'm afraid the air hissed out of that joke, Ann.  Do you have a spare satire in the trunk?
The Columbine murderers weren't inspired by an earlier school shooting: The killers originally planned to blow up their school, but couldn't get the bombs to work. Their other idea was to hijack a plane and fly it into buildings in New York -- and this was two years before the 9/11 terrorist attack. 
But...but...!
“No one could have imagined them taking a plane, slamming it into the Pentagon ... into the World Trade Center, using planes as missiles.”
Two of the most famous mass murderers in history are Hitler and Charles Manson, and they do not seem to have inspired copycats.
So Hollywood is actually more evil than Hitler or Manson, because killers never imitate real life murderers, they only imitate the imitation murders in the movies, or on TV.  Which is why it amazes me that Perry Mason was never tried at the Hague for crimes against humanity, because every single episode started with a murder -- sometimes two!  Although...if Ann's theory is correct, then during the years 1957 through 1966 this country should have seen a rash of copycat homicides by middle aged character actors.
Nor have any terrorists attempted to hijack any airplanes since 9/11, though there are other factors at work there, such as George W. Bush killing them first.
2006: Turkish Airlines Flight 1476, flying from Tirana to Istanbul, was hijacked in Greek airspace.
2007: an Air West Boeing 737 was hijacked
2007: an Air Mauritanie Boeing 737 flying from Nouakchott to Las Palmas with 87 passengers on board was hijacked
2007: an Atlasjet MD-80 en route from Nicosia to Istanbul was hijacked
2008: An Eagle Airways British Aerospace Jetstream 32EP ZK-ECN flying from Woodbourne, Blenhiem, in New Zealand to Christchurch, was hijacked shortly after takeoff. 
2008: a Sun Air Boeing 737 was hijacked shortly after takeoff.
2009: CanJet Flight 918, a Boeing 737-800 preparing to depart from Montego Bay, Jamaica to Canada was hijacked by a gunman
2009: AeroMĂ©xico Flight 576, a Boeing 737-800 flying from CancĂșn to Mexico City was hijacked

Etc., etc., etc.

I don't mean to disparage Bush's work ethic, but I hope his Supervisor points out that he's got a bit of a backlog building up in his In Box, and yeeeeaaaahh, they're gonna need him to come in on Saturday...
The eternally fascinating question about mass murder is never the means.
True.  If you ask most people how Jack the Ripper killed his victims, they couldn't begin to tell you, although some would probably guess, based on his name, that he somehow offed them using one of those deep fried hot dogs popular in New Jersey beach resorts.
 It is the psychosis behind the desire to do it. We don't need to know details about the guns, booby traps, bombs or fire starters. There will always be a way to commit mass murder. We want to know why.
Pay no attention to the Smith & Wesson M&P15 behind the curtain!  I have to say, Ann, as a piece of misdirection, that wasn't exactly up to Doug Henning standards.  But here's the thing:  You can't ban insanity.  But neither can you buy it over the Internet.  So instead of guessing what was in his head, I'd be content if we simply considered restricting what was in his hands.
But that is precisely the information these grandstanders in the media seek to withhold from the public with the pompous justification that they don't want to give the presumed killer attention.
Well, the news can tell us the "details about the guns, booby traps, bombs or fire starters," while they can only speculate at his motivations.  So of those two, which would qualify as "information"?
But many in the media have taken it on themselves to censor the news as their personal act of retaliation. Not making James Holmes famous -- even famously evil -- is what people who make their living on TV see as the cruelest punishment they can inflict.
 Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Half of this is the usual wingnut special pleading for a protected class of the conservative power base (NRA, gun manufacturers, bitter clingers), half of it is Coulter's well-worn contrarian bullshit, and all of it used to bug me.  But now whenever I see her flailing her unusually large hands in a desperate bid for attention, I think of these words from our friend Larkspur, who wrote in the comments to this post:
You know, nobody has to do anything to Ann Coulter, or anything about Ann Coulter, because we have no leverage for or against her nightmare, which is that she is aging and cannot clutch the sash and tiara of Pretty Girl-ness much longer. (Shut up, I am being generous.) This is something I know from having not been a girl for quite some time, not to mention that I was never really pretty except for the summer that I was 17. I was totally golden and gorgeous, for, like, six weeks.

What I mean is, I don't care especially. I am oldish and hope to become genuinely elderly some day. But Ann Coulter does care. Even if I liked her, I would be powerless. 
Time is a bitch, Ann. Maybe you should try not to be.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

MadMenses

So, the other day, I decided to tidy up the bathroom and get rid of various recyclable things that have been piling up for...well, a while.  

So, I'm picking stuff up, and I get to an empty box of my "feminine protection" and was immediately confronted by this:
Take Back the Conversation
See how girls are speaking out and starting a new, healthier conversation about periods and vaginal care.
My first question:

We were having a conversation about periods?

My next questions were:  

Who took this conversation away from us, and do we even want it back?!

It was at this point that I put the recycle bin down, took the empty box into the living room, and proceeded to "read" it.  Apparently, I was supposed to be doing this all along.

I found fun "fact or fiction" things like this:



And then there was the all important question:



Don't even get me started about the ultra hip color of the box (black) and the name:



I don't know about you ladies out there, but so far as "feminine protection" is concerned, I'm kind of a "do it and get it over with" gal.  I don't linger.  And that's the thing that struck me. Someone designed this box with the idea that when women take care of that monthly business thing, they really like to savor the experience. Who would think such a thing?  Only one answer:

Men.

So, consider this blog post a letter to those "MadMen" who came up with this concept and designed the packaging.

Gentlemen:

When I look for Women's Sanitary Products, the box design is the last thing I'm interested in.  I'm not going to be reading the package.  I know how to use it, I don't need directions, and I certainly don't need to be entertained.

You see, it's not like a cereal box.  Women aren't going to be perusing the package as if we were sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of Rice Crispies or Raisin Bran.

I don't want to be "engaged" or "informed" by the packaging of my sanitary napkins.  I don't want to guide a cartoon woman through a maze, to help her find the "right kind of feminine protection" for her.  I don't want to read amusing riddles or ponder any "MYTH or fact?" questions.  I just want to use your product and go. Don't make me think about it, and don't make me read about it, because I'm not.

If you're going to put that kind of stuff on my feminine protection packaging, I'm telling you right now: there had better be a prize inside.  I don't care what kind of a prize...it could be jewelry. It could be a sample of Midol, or -- better yet -- chocolate covered pretzels, along with a coupon for a Wendy's PMS Extra Value Meal: a chocolate Frosty and some french fries.

Sincerely,
MaryC

P.S. Oh, and I'm not complaining about this because "I'm on the rag."

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Put the Blame on McCain

WorldNetDaily's Mychal Massie is displeased with John McCain and John Boehner and other Johns to be named later for failing to support Michele Bachmann's National Association for the Advancement of Guilt by Association.  As you probably recall, Mychal is a soldier on the front lines of the war against Islamofascism, and when he's not depositing his thoughts at WND, he's "killing all the enemy radical Muslims I can."  In his mind.  Usually while sitting on the toilet, or standing under a steamy shower, slowly and luxuriously soaping himself while other members of the household pound on the bathroom door and shout complaints about him using up all the hot water.  But he ignores them, for his body is a machine -- hard, relentless, and precise -- and it must kept properly lubricated to ensure peak efficiency, because This Machine Kills Muslims.

In his mind.

Or at least, in the bathroom.

Anyway, let's crank up the Rita Hayworth...
Shame on McCain and Boehner!

We don’t expect leftist-liberals to be pro-national security, and they seldom if ever prove us wrong – but we do expect it from those claiming to be conservative Republicans, and conversely, they seldom if ever prove us right. 
The solution is obvious: we must start expecting left-liberals to be pro-national security so they will non-seldomly prove us unwrong, thus saving the Republic!  Q.E.D.
So-called conservative Republicans are excoriating Michele Bachmann, with John McCain and John Boehner leading the assault. She is under attack for daring to put the security of our country over political correctness. 
However, Bachmann isn't the only target of liberal opprobrium; some people are denouncing Frank Gaffney as well.  "Founder and President of the Center for Security Blankets Policy, and "the publisher and associate author of Shariah: The Threat to America (Center for Security Policy Press, 2010)," Gaffney also teaches  a video correspondence course in How to Weave a Massive Web of Muslim-Related Conspiracy, which I found interesting, but not terribly practical, since the course materials presuppose that the student, like Frank, comes equipped with spinnerets.   But most of the criticism seems to focus on Frank's use of Michele as a mouthpiece for his unsupported accusations against State Department employees, a form of ventriloquism known as "Charlie McCarthyism."
Bachmann, along with Reps. Trent Franks, Louie Gohmert, Thomas Rooney and Lynn Westmoreland sent letters to the State Department, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, the Department of Defense, the Department of Justice and the Department of Homeland Security that raised concerns pursuant to our national security.
Well, it was less of a letter and more of a slam book, but still, they did go to all the trouble of actually mailing it, which in these days of electronic correspondence shows a lot of dedication, until you remember they have franking privileges and a Post Office in the basement.
McCain, Boehner and their left-leaning minions are upset because Bachmann and the other signees wrote in part: “The [State] Department’s deputy chief of staff, Huma Abedin, has three family members – her late father, her mother and her brother – connected to Muslim Brotherhood operatives and/or organizations. Her position affords her routine access to the secretary and to policy making.”
Abedin is a key component of Hillary Clinton’s staff and the wife of the disgraced former congressman and online sexual deviant Anthony Weiner. 
I presume that when the Muslim Brotherhood needs to issue Ms. Abedin her marching orders, she travels to a secret base in the Arctic where they communicate with her through the floating, disembodied head of her late father.
"Live as one of them, Huma, to discover where your strength and your power are needed. Always hold in your heart the pride of your special heritage. They can be a great people, Huma, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. Or you could just bomb the crap out of them.  Whatever.  By the way, I've seen your husband's schmeckle on the Internet."
In response to McCain, Boehner and the vicious, bigoted, black Muslim Rep. Keith Ellison, Bachmann said: “Not once in the letter to the inspector general of the Department of State, as you summarize, was it stated that by extension (Ms. Abedin) may be working on the organization’s behalf. That her family members are connected to the Muslim Brotherhood has been reported and referenced widely in the Arab-language media, including Al-Hayat, The Arab Times and Al-Jazeera.”
 Ah-hah!  McCain, the orange guy, and the black bigot all claim that Bachmann's accusations were wholly unsubstantiated, but the truth is, they couldn't substantiate them either!  Bachmann, on the other hand, knows for a fact that Muslims are untrustworthy, because she believes everything she reads in their newspapers.
I can understand Ellison not condemning the political correctness that provided for Nidal Hasan’s terrorist act at Fort Hood
I thought he used a gun.
 – they’re brothers in the Muslim revolution to conquer the world.
You wouldn't think it, judging by the name, but that's actually one of the more boring fraternities on campus; mostly because they don't serve liquor, even during Pledge Week.
If McCain and Boehner have such concern about not painting everyone with the same brush, why do they sit silently as Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and extreme racist bigots like Jehmu Greene publicly attack whites with racial pejoratives?
I had to look up Jehmu Greene.  According to Wikipedia she "served as the first African-American president of the Rock the Vote organization", "was appointed by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to serve on the U.S. National Commission for UNESCO" and now works as a talking head for Fox News.  As for the "attack[ing] whites with racial pejoratives"...
On the May 4, 2012 edition of America Live, [she] referred to fellow debater Tucker Carlson as a "bow-tying white boy", in a discussion about Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren's decision to list herself as...Cherokee. Carlson told Greene to stop name-calling, but Greene denied calling Carlson a name. Host Megyn Kelly later apologized to Carlson and her audience for the remark on behalf of the program, calling it "an inappropriate name" that was "not consistent with our standards". The "inappropriate name" was defined as a racial, or ethnic slur, since it refers to Tucker Carlson's race as being white.
As anyone with an ounce of sensitivity knows, people of Carlson's racial heritage prefer to be known as "crackers," or "Last Nations."
 If they care about justice and fairness, why have they not demanded Eric Holder and Obama’s Justice Department prosecute members of the New Black Panther Party for voter intimidation and for deaths threats made against George Zimmerman?
So the State Department has been infiltrated by the New Black Panther Party too?  Who's next?  The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants?  The New Zoo Revue?
July 20 I received a lengthy letter from a professional person who had called McCain’s office to protest his condemnation of Bachmann.
I've been an amateur person for years now, and while I love the species, I freely admit that I lack the discipline, skill, and determination necessary to turn pro.
 The person who wrote me requested I not use his name. He spoke to a McCain staff person named Will (who refused to give his last name) 
I can't tell if that's supposed to be incriminating or ironic.
Following is part of that letter shared with the author’s permission – the person wrote: “I called chastising McCain for his comments chastising Michele Bachmann and four other [members of Congress].
"Unfortunately, he chastised me back, but I was wearing a chasuble, which chastened him.  We continued to chat, until I was suddenly distracted by un-chaste thoughts about Jessica Chastain, and chose to don my chastity belt."
 I said we are in dire times and that we don’t need attacks like this within the party. The person on the phone commented that Bachmann’s attack on Huma transcended politics and that she did not have evidence to smear Huma’s name in front of the whole world. The man said there was no evidence supporting what Bachmann wrote about. I said Bachmann only asked questions.
Questions like, "Why is her husband's schmeckle so big?  And why is it available in bold relief on the internet when I haven't seen Marcus's bashful aardvark since Clay Aiken lost on American Idol!"

The letter goes on (and on), so I'll just let Mychal sum up:
There you have it. McCain’s office believes Hitler was a Christian … and we wonder why and how the Republican Party has become what it is.
I knew there had to be a logical explanation.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Happy Birthday, Heydave!

It's the beginning of High Birthday Season at World O' Crap, and you know what that means -- we're gonna be moving more cheesecake than Lindy's around here, so I hope nobody is allergic to negligees.  Or nude Nathan Fillion, since Mary will be compulsively appending him and his implied appendage to any and all birthday posts addressed to our Lady Crappers and/or Gay Gentleman (if you're a Gay Lady and would prefer not to have nude Nathan Fillion splashed across your virtual birthday card, please drop me a line.  In fact, everyone should feel free to follow the Bill S. Method, which involves emailing me about a week before your birthday, warning of the dire fate that will be wished upon us should we profane your special day with an Ann Coulter photo, while also furnishing a long and detailed list of Pre-Approved Hunks -- or She-Hunks -- from which we can choose an appropriate image).

(Hey, I haven't even published this post, and I'm already getting Google hits from "nude Nathan Fillion."  I don't know whether to be annoyed, or to rewrite the Living Will and make that my epitaph, thus ensuring my grave will be visited by a steady stream of nerdy MILFs.)

But that's all beside the point, because today we are gathered to celebrate the natal anniversary of our buddy and longtime Crapper Heydave.  As you've probably noticed, Heydave is smart, funny, quick with a quip, and one of the nicest people you will ever meet in the comments section of a blog with the word "Crap" in the title.  But what you may not know is that deep down Dave is really just an "aw shucks," salt o' the earth, Midwestern boy from Iowa -- far from the stereotype of the effete, Latte-sipping liberal.  Yes, you heard me right -- I said Iowa!  The Birdseye State!  The over-sized, novelty buckle of the Corn Belt!  The Left Ventricle of the Heartland! Iowa! (Excuse me, I've got to stop and make some tea and honey; all this yawping is hard on the throat).  And this means one thing: that unlike me and Mary and some of you (not pointing any fingers, but you know who you are), Dave lives in Real America® -- or did, until Iowa legalized same-sex marriage in 2009; now it might as well be Hanoi.

So in light of the regrettable fact that his home state is overrun with treacherous Fauxmericans, this year we're honoring Dave's birthday with a treacher in a negligee (but not Jim Treacher, because we like Dave): I give you Jane Fonda...
"Yes, I know this is a little more sheer than the black pajamas worn by the rest of the Viet Cong -- sorry about that.  I hope you don't find my Tets offensive."

If Heydave lived in L.A., instead of some yawp-worthy patch of loam on the banks of the mighty Mississip, I'd suggest we all go in and buy him two tickets to this ripe slice of Paradise:
(Guys?  Seriously, this is guaranteed to be the most awesome night in the theater since Mary and I saw Charlene Tilton in Whose Life Is It, Anyway?)  But alas, he doesn't, so let's just skip to the Almanac...

On This Day in History:

1132 – Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily over who was entitled to the Number II.  King Roger lost the battle, and with the remaining Roman numerals already taken by monarchs and movie copyright notices, he was forced to introduce the Hindu-Arabic system to Europe.

1929 – The Kellogg–Briand Pact goes into effect, requiring all signatory states to renounce war as an instrument of foreign policy and try to get a little more fiber in their diet.

1950 – Cape Canaveral Air Force Station begins operations with the launch of a Bumper rocket.  A Windshield Wiper rocket blasts off next, and the rest of the car quickly follows, until September 14, when an attempt to beat the Russians by launching the glove compartment and cigarette lighter on the same flight causes the Owner's Manual to catch on fire, leading to an explosion on the pad.

1959 – At the opening of the American National Exhibition in Moscow, U.S. Vice President Richard Nixon and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev have a "Kitchen Debate" about whose appliance blogging is more insipid -- Megan McArdle or Instapundit.

1969 – Apollo program: Apollo 11 splashes down safely in a mock-up of the Pacific Ocean.

1974 – Watergate scandal: the United States Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon did not have the authority to withhold subpoenaed White House tapes and they order him to surrender the tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor.  Nixon still asserts Executive Privilege over certain recordings, but agrees to make a mix tape for Leon Jaworski, promising "Twenty explosive hits, by the original artists!"

2005 – Lance Armstrong's bloodstream wins its seventh consecutive victory over the French lab hired to test it.

Happy birthday, Dave!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Mr. Blackwell's Best Dressed Nuns List for 2012!

A little while ago, Mary walked past my computer while I had World O' Crap up on the screen, and said, "That's a great picture of Mara Corday.  Very nice side-boob."  And while I knew she intended the remark as a compliment (when has the term "side-boob" ever been used in a pejorative manner?  Probably not once in the history of the English language, let alone in the history of side-boob, which is even older [19th Dynasty Egyptian frescoes, I'm looking at you]), I still felt a bit slighted, because this was a birthday post, and if there's one thing we don't stint on around here, it's birthdays.

"I beg your pardon," I sniffed.  "But that's not side-boob.  It's full inner front boob."  And then it struck me: had I gone too far?  In my quest for the perfect piece of classic cheesecake art, had I violated the standards and practices that have long made Wo'C the leading family-friendly blog on the Internet?  I wavered back and forth on this question for several agonizing moments, until finally it became apparent that only a professional could resolve such a thorny issue of taste and decorum.  So I appealed to World O' Crap Official Fashion Consultant, Mr. Paul ("I'm Kookoo for Coco Chanel") Kokoski.

The name isn't ringing a bell?  Hey, shuck off those plaid pajama bottoms, pull your head out of that hoodie, and join the Fashion Revolution, people!  Now, I could go on for hours with a Friars Club-style introduction, but I'll never sum up Mr. Kokoski's unique qualifications as well as he himself does in his (unusually brief) author's bio on RenewAmerica:
Mr. Paul Kokoski holds a BA in philosophy from McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario. His articles have been published in several newspapers and journals including, Homiletic and Pastoral Review, New Oxford Review, and The Toronto Star.
You've heard of WVogueHarper's Bazaar?

Garbage!  Glorified Pennysavers for the schmatta trade.  Sears catalogs with a smear of lip gloss!  If you want the real dope on haute couture, I suggest you go straight to the source: Homiletic and Pastoral Review.
Modesty in dress

Long-standing rules on modest dress, previously applicable to St. Peter's Basilica, were recently extended throughout Vatican City. For reasons of respect Swiss Guard officers have started banning members of the public from entering the city who wear "inappropriate"clothing.
Arbiters of Fashion!
 "What's your deal, bitch?"
This is no doubt due to a flouting of the dress-code — a result of the sexual revolution which began in earnest back in the 1960's.
The development of the birth control pill had many unforeseen side effects, not least of which was the invention of the crocheted beer can hat.

I wondered where Coco Kokoski was getting his fashion facts, and it appears to be from this article, since he cribs a good chunk of it verbatim, although he doesn't bother to say just what, exactly, the Vatican's elite pantalooned paramilitary are cracking down on.  Turns out it's "Men in shorts and women with exposed knees or uncovered shoulders."  This has led to a bull market for local shawl peddlers, but some visitors don't appreciate getting the Go Fug Yourself treatment from a pair of Renaissance party clowns.  From the article:
Maria, in her late 70s, was one visitor to the Vatican who refused to be cowed by the Swiss Guards. After travelling from the Centocelle neighbourhood on the other side of Rome in 30-degree heat, she was advised that her calf-length flowered dress was "inappropriate" because it showed her shoulders.

The Swiss Guards eventually relented and allowed her through, quietly advising her to dress more appropriately next time. But Maria was unimpressed. "Given all the scandals the Church has been involved in, what possible right can it have to be preaching about the morality of sleeveless dresses?" she declared loudly, marching past indignantly.
So there you have it, a minor human interest story about mildly inconvenienced tourists.  But can't someone take this and turn it into a stinging indictment of a civilization teetering on the brink of oblivion?  Back to you, Coco:
The Blessed Virgin warned Jacinta of Fatima as early as 1920 that "Certain fashions will be introduced which will offend Our Divine Lord very much." She warned that "Those who serve God ought not to follow these fashions."
I generally couldn't care less about the Academy Awards, but one thing I do look forward to every year is the Blessed Virgin's snarky Red Carpet commentary.
In regard to proper attire the Holy Bible tells us that women should "be decently dressed, adorning themselves with modesty and dignity, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but with good works, such as become women professing Godliness" (1 Tim. 2:9-10). 
 I get the proscription of gold and pearls, but were women really so pressed for time in the 6th Century BC that only the rich could afford to braid their hair?  Were primitive hairstyling techniques so labor intensive that they required yoked oxen, or an elaborate pulley system?
The Old Testament also states: "A woman shall not be clothed with man's apparel, neither shall a man use woman's apparel; for he that does such things is an abomination to the Lord, your God " 
You've seen the way men and women dress in Bible stories, right?
 "Thanks, honey.  Say, is that my good gown you've got on...?"
Though this rule may seem absurd and outdated today our trifling with it may have been one of the many factors that led to gender-role confusion and ultimately to the wide acceptance of homosexuality and same-sex marriage in our Western culture.
Jesus didn't wear pants, but Marlene Dietrich did, and now I don't know where to put my penis.
The Vatican insists that both men and women refrain from wearing any kind of revealing apparel in church — not only because it is offensive to Our Lord but because it invites others to engage in various sins of both the flesh and the heart: "anyone who looks lustfully at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his thoughts" (Matt. 5:28).
And yet, amazingly, they let Jimmy Carter into the place in 1980.  Pope John Paul II was so peeved about this lapse in Vatican security that he demanded future visitors not only be frisked for weapons, but given an echocardiogram at the door to determine if they were attempting to smuggle lust in their heart.  Unfortunately, it took the guards 32 years before they got around to translating the Pontiff's memo from the Latin.
Modesty in dress, while important to the laity, also pertains to our clergy and those in religious life. 
So no more going commando under the cassock, Padre.
Since Vatican II, many of our priests and nuns stopped wearing their religious collars and habits. This was due largely to a false sense of reform as well as to a conscious desire on the part of some to obscure the legitimate distinctions between the priest and the laity.
The nuns, on the other hand, were just getting tired of all the penguin jokes, especially after Happy Feet came out.
Partly as a result of these changes priestly vocations have dropped noticeably and vocations to the religious life — especially in Quebec — have become almost extinct. This, in turn, has caused many of our Catholic schools — which were previously run by priests and nuns — to all but lose their catholic identity.
A life of poverty and chastity sure sounds good, but once you discover that you're no longer required to  wear 20 pounds of black wool in summer, you've gotta ask yourself -- what's the appeal?
Vocations to the priesthood and religious life — wherein one devotes one's entire life to the faith — are not like other vocations.
For one thing, unlike most vocational schools you see advertised on cable TV, seminaries don't give you the option of earning a certificate in arc welding, medical billing, or gun repair.
 As such they should not be hidden through recourse to the use of secular clothing: "People do not light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket.
Because that's a fire hazard.
 They set it on a stand where it gives light to all in the house"(Matt: 5-15). This passage of course refers to the spreading of faith through our holy actions. Nonetheless, ecclesiastical attire is a also a visible witness of Christian vitality of the highest value and therefore must be safeguarded.
I may not agree with your religious dogma, but I will fight to the death to defend your wimple.

Actress Meryl Streep once said that when she put on her nun's habit to film the movie "Doubt" she felt clothed in God and was convinced that real nuns who wear the habit must also share the same incredible feeling that every moment of their day is being dedicated to God.
Yes, you can see the joy just oozing from every pore.

It is also said that actor Alec Guinness' conversion to Catholicism began when he first put on a collar to play a priest (Father Brown) in the movie "The Detective."
 Later, he became a devout Jedi.
 One evening Guinness, still dressed as a priest, was on his way back to his lodgings when a little boy, mistaking him for the real thing, grabbed his hand and trustingly accompanied him.
This is either a heartwarming affirmation of faith, or the opening teaser from To Catch a Predator.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Happy Birthday, Preznit!

Longtime readers will recognize this as a very special occasion: every year on this day, our old friend preznit giv me turkee rises early and sets his browser to block images, on the off chance that we've opted to celebrate his birthday with the usual Ann Coulter photo.

Well, that venerable custom is over, I'm afraid, because what with torture porn and super violent video games, kids today are just so jaded that it's nearly impossible to frighten them with the classic monsters.  (However, if you're a traditionalist, you can get all the Coulter you can stand in this post.)

Besides, preznit has always been extremely kind to us, so I've decided that this year, we'll forgo the monster entirely, and skip straight to the damsel distressed by the monster.  And what better B-movie babe to start the birthday season with than Mara Corday?
Showgirl, actress, and Playboy's Miss October of 1958, Mara spent much of her career shrieking gamely in the face of one cinematic grotesque after another.  In 1955's Tarantula, for instance, she survived one of the most horrifying abominations of the decade when she was forced to share the screen with John Agar, while in The Black Scorpion (featured in the first season of Mystery Science Theater 3000), she was menaced by Brobdingnagian arachnids who tended to drool fluently like my Grandpa after he'd fallen asleep in the Barcalounger during Lawrence Welk.  But in our home, she is best remembered and most beloved for her starring role in the funniest film of 1957, The Giant Claw.

So please join me, won't you, in wishing the Preznit a very happy natal day!

Okay, one quick Ann Coulter picture -- just one! -- and then I swear, I'm done with her:
 "Many happy returns there, fella!  Say...do these giblets make me look fat?"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall, Who's the Craziest Wingnut of All?

By Bill S.
For reasons unknown to me, there has been revived interest in the children's story "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", with the TV series Once Upon A Time and the feature films Mirror, Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman each offering a new retelling of the story. (About the only thing I could find in common with them is that, owing to casting, the Wicked Queen comes off as the most entertaining character. After all, in what ass-backwards, parallel world would Charlize Theron ever fear competition from Kristen Stewart? It's like an eagle feeling insecure around a mosquito. A brain-damaged mosquito.)

But by far the most unique twist on the tale comes from Pat Boone, in a World Net Daily column titled "A Modern American Fairy Tale."


Pat wrote it back in 2007. You could say he was ahead of his time, but remember this is Pat Boone we're talking about, and the phrase "ahead of his time" is about as likely to be used in connection to him as the phrase "natural-looking hair."  Or "voice of reason."
Once upon a time, in a land called America, a little girl was born.
This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents called her Snow White.
Well, that's kind of an embarrassing name, though not as demeaning as "Cherry Boone".
Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect compliment to her exquisite ivory skin. And as lovely as she was on the outside, she was even more beautiful within: her sweet, sunny personality absolutely melted everyone who saw her.
It bears repeating that Pat Boone has 4 daughters.  I'm betting their combined therapy bills are really high.
In her early childhood, her parents saw that she was taught all the important things -- loving obedience, respect for others, politeness and ladylike behavior, and a childlike faith in God. These things she actually liked, and though she was quite playful and sunny, she exuded character and intelligence.
Astro-NOMICALLY high. If I ever met a child who "liked" being docile and perfect, I'd be creeped out of my mind.
Then she met the Seven Dwarfs.

They’d been tagged with this name because they seemed so weird and insignificant; but they always clustered together, bound by strange, liberal and sometimes seditious beliefs. Some of them were teachers and others members of what was called a “civil liberties union.” Somehow, they steadily gained and exerted mysterious influence.
Pat finds it weird and mysterious that there are people in this country who hold beliefs that are different from his.
Their names were Sneaky, Dopey, Smarmy, Angry, Sleazy, Grouchy and Dork.
Are you sure those are Dwarfs? They sound more like an army of Bill O'Reilly clones.
So, as it happened, just as Snow White entered school, full of innocence and a desire to learn, the Dwarfs managed to change all the rules. They cast a spell over the real and dedicated teachers, tricking them into imbibing a seductive potion they called New Education Alternatives; it sounded so attractive that it became very popular, coming to be known by the shorter “NEA.”
I'm guessing he's working on some analogy. I wonder what he's referring to? At first, I thought it was the National Education Association, but since that's been around for over 150 years, or only a decade less than Pat Boone, it's hardly new. The National Endowment for the Arts, perhaps? The National Editorial Association? The National Empowerment Agency of Singapore? The New England Aquarium? Because really, it could be any of them, because they all have exactly as much to do with this column as the National Education Association.
Enticed by tempting promises of shorter hours, more money, lifelong tenure unrelated to performance in the classroom...
Oh, Pat, do you really wanna talk about succeeding on merit? You were married (at 19) to the daughter of a successful musician. Your father-in-law got you your first recording contract, and you owe what commercial success you enjoyed to a segment of music fans so racist they found Elvis Presley too ethnic.
...and even political clout as a huge voting bloc, the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from history books... 
This really is a fantasy, if rewriting history is a liberal conspiracy. Because, in the real world, not so much.
...to forbid absolutely any mention of God in the classroom or in essays, to promote all types of sexuality equally, even to grade-schoolers, to dictate that only evolution could be taught to explain the existence of the living world... 
In addition to teaching scientific theory in biology class, we should teach unscientific theories as well. Why stop with just biology, though?  I propose we teach kids that thunder is caused by Angels bowling, and, as an alternative theory, that it's caused when Thor brings down his mighty hammer.  Because it's important to "teach the controversy."
...and in general erase any consideration of morality and American tradition.
Factual information is immoral and anti-American? Well, that explains the Daily Caller.
Of course, Snow White's parents objected strenuously. They attended PTA meetings and complained that their daughter was continuously being taught things that were diametrically opposed to what they'd taught her at home... 
Things like, "Blacks are human", and "women can work outside the home", and "homosexuals...exist".
...but their complaints were dismissed out of hand. And sadly, while they did their best to counteract the evil influence of the Dwarfs, little Snow White was drawn into the pervasive spell cast over the whole school system.
They tried to shield her from reality as much as they could, but little bits of it kept sneaking in, like pesky rays of sunshine and fresh air.
When she was barely into her teens, she began to experiment sexually, first with other kids and then with one of her grown teachers. Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch! Poor Snow White had been drawn into drugs as well as sex, and she soon discovered she was pregnant.
How did she become pregnant if she was in a lesbian relationship? Are you paying any attention to the story you're writing, Pat?
The Dwarfs were only too happy to arrange an abortion -- without notifying her parents.
Now I know this is a fantasy, because in the real world, where Bristol Palin can get a reality show simply for getting knocked up in high school, the first girl since Jesus' mom to get pregnant without  benefit of sperm would be a media goldmine, and rather than calling Planned Parenthood, the Dwarfs would immediately get on the phone to Lifetime.
Confused and disillusioned, Snow White moved in with the wicked witch, eventually claiming to be her "wife".
I have no idea what point Pat was trying to make with this Snow White/Wicked lesbian fantasy. About the only thing it proves is that he writes slashfic as well as he sings heavy metal.
In another part of town, in another spellbound school, a handsome young boy named Prince Charming was going through similar experiences. Snow White and Prince Charming would have made a perfect couple, as their parents would have dreamed – but under prolonged exposure to the same hypnotic spell, the boy was seduced by each of the Dwarfs and taught in the mandatory sex education class that he’d been born “gay.” When he learned he’d contracted AIDS, he overdosed on drugs that were easily obtained just outside the principal’s office, on the schoolyard.
WTF?

Seriously, What. The. Fuck? Jack Chick, on an acid trip, couldn't have dreamed up something like that. Teaching gay teens that genetics might play a role in sexual orientation leads to unprotected sex with AIDS-stricken dwarfs in the same way teaching evolution leads to monkey-human marriages. And I have know no idea why he lays the blame for drug dealers on progressive educaters. The only drug I've heard liberals supporting the legalization of is pot, which no one could kill themselves with, unless you count the long term effects of arterial sclerotic cardiovascular disease caused by excessive exposure to Drake's Cakes and Cool Ranch Doritos.
His sorrowing parents arranged a memorial service, and everybody – including the Seven Dwarfs and the Wicked Witch – agreed he’d been just an “ideal kid,” without an enemy in the world. Except the Seven Dwarfs and the Wicked Witch.

It would be wonderful if it could be said “… and they all lived happily ever after” – but of course, that would be a lie.

Um, you're not reporting a news story, you're telling a fictional tale, and you're the one writing it, so you can end it any way you please.
Too many of them didn’t even go on living very long, some struck down with insidious contagious diseases, which some tried to blame on uncaring politicians and hard-hearted, Bible-toting right-wingers.
Well, they are the leading advocates of abstinance-only sex education, which has an alarmingly high failure rate and frequently includes false or misleading information. If you teach kids that condoms and other forms of birth control don't work, you won't discourage them from having sex, you'll just discourage them from using condoms or other forms of birth control.  They're also opposed to having kids vaccinated against HPV, and to making contraception available in any form. All of which leads me to believe that, far from wanting to prevent unplanned pregnancies and STDs, they want to preserve those things as a punishment for people who have orgasms they don't approve of. (Or, in the case of women, having any orgasm.)
The Dwarfs and so many of the children whose morals they’d corrupted traded honor and integrity and happiness for fatal neuroses and shorter life expectancy –
The "Gibberish to English" translation for the above might be tricky, but since Pat abandoned his "Liberals are destroying education" theme in favor of "the school system is being infiltrated with EEEEVIL homos who want to seduce our children in order to give them AIDS and abortions!", I think he's saying, "If you had any honor and integrity, you wouldn't be a homo," (which is, frankly, the worst Jeff Foxworthy impression ever, and unlikely to get Pat invited on the next Blue Collar Comedy Tour).

But I give Pat credit for realizing that you may already be a homo, and offering to lead by example, demonstrating honor and integrity by repeating the claim that gay people have a shorter life expectancy, which comes from a decades-old study that's been widely and thoroughly debunked.
– while the very tradition of marriage and family dissolved and the reputation of the land called America was forever damaged. In the wake of so-called “new education alternatives,” America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning, and eventually it hardly mattered if she was absorbed into something called a North American Union. This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada – became Northern Venezuela.

What the....(re-reads above paragraph. Re-reads again, considers phoning 9-11 in case I just had a stroke). Did anyone see that ending coming? The rain of frogs at the end of Magnolia made more sense, and seems more likely to happen.
This may all be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare.
Or the paranoid, unhinged scribblings of a fossilized, bigoted moron.
But if it's the latter, we'd all better wake up quick. Like many fairy tales and some dreams, there's too much reality for comfort.
I'll say.  Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to have a serious talk with my lesbian friends about using dental dams so they don't accidentally impregnate each other.

-Bill S.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Update! Project Veritas "Shocking Video" Is Dirty!

No, really. It's all about dirt.  So suddenly these lines promoting their "online event" make sense, if you're in an Italian James Bond rip-off movie from 1967.  Because it's not ballyhoo, you see -- it's innuendo:
The politicians and media talking heads will go CRAZY when they see what we’ve DUG UP.
But let them wait. The Daily Caller has made it possible for YOU to get the dirt first.
As it turns out, the shocking video is about some really bad actors trying to persuade two "Union Bosses" to tell them how to obtain government gravy for their new "Green" company.
Representatives of "Earth Supply and Renewal," a fake company at which "we dig the ditch, we take the dirt, and we put the dirt, we actually just take the dirt and we put it right back in the ground," met with two New York union leaders, John Hutchings and Anthony Tocci, and Tocci's brother .
And of course, the union guys thought it was a great idea, according to the heavily edited Project Veritas video. Let's go to MediaMatters.org for the fun (h/t to Chris Vosburg):
In the raw footage, the union leaders repeatedly ask the "ESR employees" about the purpose of their projects. When they can't give any, Hutchings and the Tocci brothers gently propose they take on more useful work. Hutchings asks if they "dig prior to construction projects" for "historical artifacts." Ron Tocci asks if they analyze or remediate soil, then later says,  "I'm just trying to get a hook on how you sell your product." When one actor says, "There are people who have seen merit in what we're doing, especially from the green, more green circles," an incredulous Tocci replies, "Well, why would they see that as -- besides the jobs that you would create, what are you doing for the environment?"
So anyway, I lost a wager, because while I thought the "dirt" referenced in the email come-on would almost certainly turn out to be both a disappointment and a stupid pun, I bet Scott that James was talking about dirty diapers.  Because after his failed attempt to listen in on the phone calls of a female Senator, like the heavy-breathing perv in a babysitter-in-jeopardy flick, or his failed effort to entice a female journalist onto a borrowed yacht so he could menace her with his dildo collection, I figured James' credibility was at risk, and his only hope of salvaging it was a successful attempt to walk into Nancy Pelosi's Congressional District office in San Francisco and soil himself.  And he would have got away with it, too, if his mother hadn't put an extra Kraft American Single on the sandwich she packed for him, because as you know, it can be kind of binding.

Anyway, don't worry about me, because it's one of those bets where it doesn't matter who loses, because both parties win, if you know what I mean.  Wink!  Wink!  (Hey, James is right!  This innuendo stuff is a breeze!)  Anyway, here's the unedited video, courtesy of MediaMatters.Org:


And we didn't even have to RSVP to see it.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Vermont Country Store: Bringing Your Nightmares To Life Since 1946

At first, I thought The Vermont Country Store was just a quaint catalog/website that carried quaint, hard to find items like: Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific and Lemon Up shampoos and conditioners.

I was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.  Follow me into the quaint, syrupy, nightmare world that is The Vermont Country Store.

Our first stop, women's wear!  This is actually one of the safest of all places on that website, and it was educational, to boot:

This is a Muumuu, which, in Hawaiian means, "I just don't care anymore."

And that's pretty much where the website stops being quaint and oddly appealing, and becomes downright terrifying:

This is a "Reusable Douche", or as we know it today a "Rush Limbaugh" (It's also a reusable Enema! Whee!)

And finally (for today), the most nightmarish thing of all:

It's Jingles!, the lone monkey who didn't gain the power of speech the night Jesus was born, and was so bitter about it that he made a deal with the Devil, and now whenever he breaks his eerie silence with a single crash of his cursed cymbals, someone, somewhere, dies a horrible death that scars the souls of all who witness it.  In Stock.  Requires two AA batteries and a small blood sacrifice.

Happy Dreams, all!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Exclusive Project Veritas Scoop! Must Credit Someone Who Gives a Crap!

Guys!  James O'Keefe has a new expose, and he's holding a secret premiere!  And you could be among the very few Daily Caller subscribers (not that there's a shortage of tickets -- I just assume there are very few Daily Caller subscribers) to learn the truth!  Just take a gander at this tantalizing email I received yesterday morning and just got around to opening:
Daily Caller Subscriber,

Have you ever wanted to see the future?
I must confess, it's a urge I share with other muckraking journalists, such as Lincoln Steffens ("I have seen the future, and it works") and Criswell ("Future events such as these will affect you in the future.")  Unfortunately, James offers us a glimpse of a particularly grim future, a dystopian, topsy-turvy world, in which the President is black, but our pimps are white!
For the first time ever, I’m inviting Daily Caller subscribers to join me for an exclusive live online premiere of the new investigation from Project Veritas — before we release it to the media or the public.

Attendees will get a sneak peek at the biggest bombshell we’ve dropped on the establishment since ACORN — before it hits.

Click HERE to accept your invitation for the LIVE ONLINE PREMIERE

Our hard-hitting investigations into corruption at ACORN and NPR, as well as voter fraud and Medicaid fraud were BIG news. This could be bigger.
James' record has been a bit spotty, but this last last claim could very well be true, since I don't really remember his hard-hitting investigations into Medicaid (note to James: not a sexy subject.  Needs moar dildos), and that voter fraud stuff kind of fizzled except for a bit of tittering mockery from Gawker and TPM.  So for me, the question is, could this be bigger than his E. Howard Hunt tribute band, when he got busted for trying and failing to tamper with the phones of a Democratic Senator?  Could it be bigger than his attempt to lure a female journalist onto a sex toy-bedecked "love boat" so he could show her his "Captain Stubing"?

Unfortunately, we have limited space for this online event and it’s going fast.

The event is so exclusive that, although it’s coming up very soon, I can only release details to the folks who RSVP.
This is crucial, because James has to know how much Chex Party Mix to buy.
Accept your invitation NOW to find out when and where to tune in.

This brand new investigation is unlike anything we’ve ever released
So it's accurate?
Project Veritas invested hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars to capture footage so outrageous it will have your jaw on the floor. I think you’ll agree it was worth it.
It certainly sounds powerful, kind of like that video tape in The Ring, except instead of killing you in seven days, it just dislocates your mandible.  On the down side, this will make it more difficult to enjoy the Chex Mix.
The politicians and media talking heads will go CRAZY when they see what we’ve DUG UP.
Andrew Breitbart?
But let them wait. The Daily Caller has made it possible for YOU to get the dirt first.
The "dirt," eh?  So this is less The Jungle and more Confidential Magazine.
Get ahead of the media firestorm: RSVP HERE to attend the online premiere.
I promise this is an event you won’t want to miss. RSVP right now.
James sounds like an inexperienced host who went all out for his first party, then had a nightmare he would wind up sitting alone in his living room with a chafing dish full of cold Vienna Franks and a dozen 2-litre bottles of warm Mr. Pibb.
James O'Keefe
James O’Keefe
P.S. Daily Caller subscribers are invited to attend the exclusive online premiere of the latest investigation from Project Veritas, followed by a live question and answer session with me, James O’Keefe.
Go HERE to accept your invitation and RSVP.
And remember that all of our investigations are made possible by your generous support. Please help us keep making these crucial reports by donating to Project Veritas today.
Even though I felt that James was pushing his sales pitch just a wee too hard, I clicked the link to RSVP NOW!, and found myself immediately reassured that this is not merely a hectoring, carnival midway come-on for a first peep at "dirt," but a serious and professional piece of investigative journalism:

...or an Evite to a 10-year old's birthday party.