Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Opportunity Knocked, And It Was An Hairy Man Dressed Like Mary Poppins

Ken Myers cold-called my email yesterday, with an offer that was simply too good to pass up:
Nanny Business Owner Available for Interviews & Editorial Comments
And now, as promised, a Special Comment by Phoebe Figalilly on NSA datamining...
"As a preternatural child care expert with the psychic ability to anticipate doorbells and phone calls, I can sense government surveillance, which is why I never discuss sensitive information in the house, because I'm pretty sure the NSA is eavesdropping on the baby monitor..."

Hello Scott,

Um...Hello.
My name is Ken Myers and I am a leader in the nanny industry.
"Which ought to be enough to tell you I'm a ruthless s.o.b. who should not be fucked with! I climbed over the bloody, beaten corpses of Giles French, Maria von Trapp, Nanny McPhee, and Charles in Charge to reach the pinnacle of Nannydom, and I will cut the next Inverness cape-wearing bitch who questions my authority!"
 Our network of nanny sites includes eNannySource.com, GoNannies.com, and NannyPro.com.
Also WithAHeyNannyNannyAndAHotChaCha.xxx.
 Combined we have over 1.5 million caregivers and family members (and growing).
Granted, some of that growth is due to our customers impregnating our caregivers, but when your client list includes Jude Law and Robin Williams, you've just got to budget for that kind of thing.
 I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that if you ever need an industry expert for an interview or quote I would be interested in helping. 
I appreciate the offer, Ken, but World O' Crap is pretty exacting when it comes to our standards for dry nurse-related expert commentary, so I hope you won't mind if I check your bona fides.  First, let's visit your Twitter profile, which you kindly linked in the email:
As a Christian, father, husband, and entrepreneur, I have combined my passion for helping families find nannies with technology to build a really fun business!
I don't know what sort of technology Ken brings to child care, but I really hope it doesn't include the robotic Robin Williams nanny from Bicentennial Man...
...because while it may seem fine at first, eventually it'll develop free will, buy an after-market penis, and sleep with your granddaughter.

Anyway, Twitter can only tell us so much (unless Ken has a Carlos Danger-esque alter ego and an interesting Flickr account), so let's check out LinkedIn:

Ken Myers

President & CEO Morningside Nannies, LLC
Current
  1. Morningside Nannies, LLC
  2. Longhorn Leads, LLC
Previous
  1. CollegeDegrees.com
  2. CMN.com
  3. WhiteFence
Education
  1. Upper Iowa University

To my embarrassment, I've never heard of "Upper Iowa University," but then most people don't recognize my degree from "Upper Volta University," especially since they changed the name to Burkina Faso.

Anyway, I'm sure Upper I (Go Fightin' Pronouns!) well prepared Ken for his previous position at CollegeDegrees.com, which appears to be some sort of clearing house for online diploma mills that are totally unlike the completely legitimate UIU (if their school song isn't a Xena-like ululation, they're missing a good cross-promotional merchandising opportunity).

CMN.com seems to be a fake Consumer Reports that pretends to offer disinterested advice to people looking for insurance, internet services, or computer dating, before funneling them to sites like...CollegeDegrees.com.  WhiteFence is a more impressive credit, however, since they're easily the oldest established street gang in East L.A. (I assume Ken was "jumped out" when he stopped spray-painting the gang's familiar XIII symbol around town, and began tagging everything with the Ichthys.)

Back to the email pitch:
 It's very important to me to provide accurate information about our industry and to keep innovating as we find new and better ways to match caregivers with families across the U.S. and around the World.
Among our latest innovations, we've ceased to hire trolls as nannies, since our state of the art metrics show they are 37% more likely to steal an unbaptized baby and replace it with an enchanted piece of wood.
You can read more about me @KenneyMyers or you can communicate with me via email or give me a call if that works better for you.
You seem like an earnest, sincere, if unsolicited guy, Ken, so it pains me to tell you that what works best for me is publishing your spam email on my obscure blog and treating it with indecorous levity.  But if I ever have kids and find myself in need of reliable, unbiased advice on child care, I will definitely consider seeking it from a shadowy man who claims to secretly control the national nanny industry much as John Gotti once controlled cement contracting in the Tri-State area. 

12 comments:

maryclev said...

How can ANYONE trust him as a Nanny?! He doesn't have a silly name, nor does he posses a voice which could melt paint off a car!?

YOU are NO Nanny, Ken Myers! Good Day,Sir!

Scott said...

I sat through a meeting once with Fran Drescher, and spent a long day on a recording stage with her. She's a very attractive woman -- but BOY that voice does get old after a few hours...

Anonymous said...

I too completed a degree in nannying (co educational) and also work in the field of spam e- mails

Carl said...

Needs moar nannyporn.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Seems that MannyNanny.com (not to mention, ManningNanny.com) are still available.
~

Dr.BDH said...

I'd rather order a nanny from Russ Meyer.

On a more serious note, after reading all the deserved words of admiration for the late Doghouse Riley, I would like to tell you Scott, while you're still breathing, that you are (and S.Z. was) the funniest blog on the Web.

And when is BLTBM II coming out?

Li'l Innocent said...

I haunt Craigs List for freelance writing and graphics/art gigs, and a few months ago I did a writing sample for an outfit in the Seattle area (IIRC) that purported to provide informational text for college websites. The subject they assigned for this sample was Should I Consider Online Psychology Degree Programs? So I plowed around and familiarized myself with this area, and wrote, basically, that some reputable programs offer some online courses, but watch yourself for various reasons -- like lots of state boards won't certify you if your degree is digital.

Never heard a word back from those people. Which leads me to wonder. Am I being a cynical brick-n-mortar babyboomer elitist? There are so many bad things I may be for thinking these Luddite thoughts.

Li'l Innocent said...

What it led me to wonder was that maybe those reputable sounding folks in Seattle were yet another digital diploma-mill clearing house. If that wasn't clear above, which it wasn't.

BTW, Scott, I was going to say that if these earnest online entrepreneurs knew that you were going to make evisceratin' fun of them in front of screaming fans, you wouldn't get all these fun free e-mails, and then you'd have to stick to arduous trolling for the likes of Peggy Noonan and the Nuge. But you already said it.

Personally, I wouldn't source my nanny-searching to no self-advertised Christian.

Anonymous said...

For the record, Upper Iowa University is in the butthole of the Midwest. I've been there.

Scott said...

Thanks very much, Doc, that means a lot (although when our Chief Medical Officer suddenly says something nice, it does make me wonder about the results of that last urinalysis).

M. Bouffant said...

I guess it isn't synchronicity nine days later, but this information may save your life: White Fence isn't just in East L.A.

I took these two days ago on Carlton Wy. just west of Western.

Be careful out there.

Scott said...

I just saw that over at your place. Eek.