Sunday, September 22, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: It's a Swankapalooza!

I'm sticking with the Pastor Swank repeats until somebody tells me to stop.  And even then, they'll have to make a good, logical case, couched in the Pastor's own unique patois.

Originally published September 9, 2005

Thank Heaven For Wingnuts


I spent the morning gathering toys, blankets, and canned goods to send to the Katrina victims (a local couple are hoping to fill a semi-truck with supplies that they can transport to the affected area).  Then I made about a ton of applesauce (my apple trees finally started producing, and I can't bear to waste food, and applesauce is all I could think to do with them).  And I'm beat.  So, it's a day for low-hanging fruit (so to speak). 

Let's check in with Pastor Swank, since he always has about 12 new columns out every day.

Say, this one sounds interesting: WE WERE ALL ONCE AN EMBRYONIC CELL
Embryonic stem cell research is the same as murder.
Well, nothing too nutty there.  Let's check the next one:
A freedom-based nation cannot defend murdering the defenseless children in women’s wombs.
But armed children in men's wombs are fair game!  But since Judge Roberts is a Womb Baby Defender, this isn't exactly a call to revolution.  So, how about some international news? 

The Pastor has that covered too, with SUCCESS FOR FEMALES IN AFGHANISTAN.
Females, once considered worth less than scum by Muslim males, are now coming into their own in Afghanistan, thanks to a democracy planting ongoing.
Scum, formerly valued highly by Muslim males, is now less esteemed, thanks to Bush's freedom spread.  (Mmm, delicious, creamery freedom spread!)
There are 582 females now running for office in the September 18 elections. That’s awesome beyond imagination. Yet it is fact.
Yes, these women are running for the parliamentary seats set aside for women, and they are brave to do so, since some are facing violence, death threats, and other forms of intimidation.  However, the democracy planting is going a little less than awesomely.  Here's part of an interesting Australian piece, Abused and accused, Afghan women make a stand:
The fear is that women MPs will be marginalised or manipulated. One prominent male fundamentalist candidate said that the women would be ignored in parliament and several supposedly reformed male Taliban candidates have condemned what they call the imposition of Western freedoms on Afghan women.
There is speculation the male establishment is marshalling women candidates because seats reserved for women can be won more easily than in the chaotic contest among male candidates.
[...]
The head of the Afghanistan Independent Human Rights Commission, Dr Sima Samar, said: "Sadly some of our women are getting the support of jihadis and they act for them - not for women's interests or groups."
But back to Pastor Swank:
While American liberals breathe in fresh liberty air every dawn, they set landmines for every Republican working night and day to assist those in other countries with the freedom spread.
It’s interesting the contrast, isn’t it?
Say, America, when you get up tomorrow and breakfast on wholesome, high-fibre Grassroots Toast topped with delicious Freedom Spread, don't settle regular, old air.  No, try new Liberty Air!  Now with a touch of mint for extra freshness! 

Oh, and exactly which Republicans are working day and night to assist with the freedom spread?  The Halliburton board of execs, perhaps?

Okay, we have time for one last column:  PEACEFUL ISLAMICS? BUSH WANTS TO KNOW
So is this a hoax or for real? Believe me, time will tell. And actions speak louder than words.
But don't count your chickens before they hatch, because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  As my mother used to say, "Good lookin' guys are a dime a dozen, you gotta find the one who's goin' give you true lovin.""

Um, what were we talking about? ... Oh, right, the Pastor hasn't told us yet, but we suspect from the title that it has to do with Muslims.
However, at this juncture both are absolutely necessary — coming from Muslims living especially in the United States. Suspicions against Muslims are at an all time high in this country for very good reason.
Because they worship the devil, as the Pastor has informed us previously.
So informed American citizens are very wary of a newly formed group that espouses peace. Another fix? Another lie? Another trump card? Another biding time in order to take us over, kill us off, make Islam the planet’s only fanatic power hold?
Yes, it's another trump card so they can once again kill us all off.  Nice job seeing through their trickery, Pastor!
According to the AP, US President George W. Bush has put Karen Hughes in charge.
Well, he needs to exercise, and Dick Cheney is dead or something, so SOMEBODY has to be in charge.
Well, she’s going to need every trick of the trade to deal honestly, shrewdly and diplomatically with these Muslims newly organized. God help her. She’s going to need all the assistance her discerning senses can muster. 
She met with the Islamic Society of North America recently. She was to deliver her hopes for camaraderie. I am sure she had her antennae spreading high and wide all the while she was dialoguing with a people who are known for their double tongues and sabers behind their backs.
Karen spreads her antennae high and wise so as to better muster her discerning senses. But are her super insect powers a match for the double-toungued Muslims? Time will tell, because actions speak louder than words, and a fool and his money are soon parted.

Now, back to making applesauce.

5 comments:

Weird Dave said...

...since he always has about 12 new columns out every day.

Someone finally got the good Pastor's meds dialed in well. Looks like he's down to less than one a year.
Now if they could only do the same for the rest of the right wing crazies.

maryclev said...

Ah, I've missed the Swankster! Those were the days, my friends.

(BTW--anyone getting a glitch when they click on their WoC bookmark link? I keep getting "Sorry, the page you were looking for in this blog does not exist." and then a bunch of blank space where I should be seeing the most recent posts. Anyone else?)

Scott said...

But Weird Dave, then we'd be out of a job! Or...out of a blog. Anyway, we'd be out of Schlitz, which means we'd be out of beer.

Li'l Innocent said...

Maybe the Pastor said what he had to say, and sensibly quit?

Because the kind of artiste that can imagine Karen Hughes with high, wide antennae is the kind who knows better than to gild the lily, or flog a dead horse.

grouchomarxist said...

I've seen hilariously mistranslated instruction booklets for cheap electronics which still exhibited a firmer grasp of English grammar and syntax than the good Pastor. But then, he does pretty well for someone whose native language is apparently High Gibberish.