Friday, October 18, 2013

Happy Birthday, KWillow! I Got You a...Dear God, What Have I DONE??

UPDATED BELOW
First, the good news: today we're celebrating the birthday of KWillow, who is -- no brag -- one of the nicest, kindest, most caring people I have ever had the pleasure to know.  And not only is she a genuine humanitarian (who helped us enormously during the Late Unpleasantness that was Riley and Mary's twin, Elliot-and-E.T.-style illnesses), but she's an artist, rendering locally famous Cats in the style of the Old Masters...
...and enlivening this joint with her whip-smart and witty musings.  It's always a pleasure to come upon one of K's comments, either here, or at less dodgy venues such as Alicublog, or the late, lamented Bats Left, Throws Right.  In short, she's a Damn Fine Person, a Good Soul brimming with soulful goodness, and whenever I despair of humankind and crawl out onto my personal ledge (well, I don't own it per se -- it's a time-share ledge -- but I bought two weeks out of the year for humanity-despairing purposes) she's one of the very few who restores my faith in people.  And as we all know from Bob Vila, a complete restoration can vastly increase humanity's resale value.

I wanted to get her something special this year, but K is no bruised turnip freshly tumbled from the truck; she's been around the blogosphere and knows her wingnuts, so I searched long and hard to find a right blogger whose stupidity was equal to the occasion.   It took awhile, as I considered and rejected several candidates, before stumbling upon this "Bam Bam" Barber piece announcing that he and his pals have gone all neo-Confederate and seceded from the Boy Scouts (ironically earning their "Gone Galt" badges in the process).

Now the bad news...It's a "Bam Bam" Barber piece.  For those who have successfully expunged him from their brains, J. Matt "Bam Bam" Barber is the ex-pro am boxer and insurance agent who was fired by Allstate after writing a bunch of crazy stuff about gay people on the Internet, thus becoming a martyr to the Gay Agenda.  In short order, he acquired a B.S. in "Organizational Management" from "Colorado Christian University", an M.A. in "Public Policy" from "Regent University Robertson School of Government" (founded in 1978 by televangelist Pat Robertson as the Christian Broadcasting Network University), and a J.D. from Regent University Law School.  The mills of God grind slowly, but the diploma mills of God-botherers are miracles of mass production.  Matt is now "Associate Dean for Career and Professional Development" (or "guidance counselor") for Liberty University School of Law (founded in 1971 by Jerry Falwell as Lynchburg Baptist College).  Their motto is "Knowledge Aflame" and their seal...
...depicts the university being burned down for the insurance.  Which brings us full circle.
Your safe, moral Boy Scouts alternative is ...
I didn't even know we needed a Boy Scouts alternative.  I just hope it's not made from Olestra...
It was Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 6, 2013. The huge hall was overflowing, the convention sold out. Over 1,200 attendees, with many spilling out into the foyer, eagerly awaited the announcement.
Chaffin's Barn Dinner Theatre hadn't seen so many sweaty, tightly-packed evangelicals, all tense with anticipation, since Lynda Carter appeared in Pajama Tops.
 What would this safe, moral and non-sexualized alternative to the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) look like? 
Like a 1977 Chrysler Cordoba.  We're not sure why; possibly because the BSA alternative, while non-sexualized, is still available in rich Corinthian leather.
With a stirring introductory video came the answer: "Trail Life USA" would now endeavor to "be the premier national character development organization for young men, which produces godly and responsible husbands, fathers and citizens."
I dunno...I watched the whole thing, and despite all the stirring, I still got burned on the bottom.
The reveal, eagerly anticipated by hundreds of thousands – if not millions – 
I'm thinking not millions --
-- of Americans was met with rousing cheers. "Our mission is simple and clear," came the official mission statement, "to guide generations of courageous young men to honor God, lead with integrity, serve others and experience outdoor adventure."
Matt, just because your mission statement said it came doesn't make it official.  Sometimes it lies, because it doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or it has to get up early.  Anyway, good luck luring those generations of young men into the woods.
A brief summary from the new scouting-like organization's website (TrailLifeUSA.com) reads as follows: 
"Most guys want exciting outdoor adventure with their friends. We've got that! Trips and travel? That, too. Camping. Check. Physical and mental challenge? Yep. And awards? Of course!
It doesn't sound like an alternative to the Boy Scouts, it sounds like they've figured out a way to franchise Brokeback Mountain.
"Trail Life USA is a Christian adventure, character and leadership movement for young men. The K-12 program centers on outdoor experiences that build a young man's skills and allow him to grow on a personal level and as a role model and leader for his peers. Living the Trail Life is a journey established on timeless values derived from the Bible."
How does hiking, skinny-dipping in the lake, and telling ghost stories around the fire reflect Biblical values?  Well, that whole business in the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering the wilderness for forty years is really a story about a camping trip, and we're just lucky Moses didn't make us look at his vacation slides as well.
Countless men and boys who once called themselves "Boy Scouts" will now proudly bear the title of "Trailman."
In the Trailman organization, the equivalent of an Eagle Scout is a Treasure Trailman.
Back in May, millions of Americans were shocked and saddened when the BSA inexplicably bowed to left-wing political pressure and became something it had never before been: a hyper-politicized, aberrantly sexualized petri dish for social and sexual experimentation.
As opposed to its previous identity as a vector for sash-wearing and wallet-stitching.
Created in 1910 to "prepare young people to make ethical and moral choices over their lifetimes," the BSA, on May 23, 2013, tragically voted to welcome into its ranks "open and avowed" homosexuality (boy-on-boy sexual attraction and behavior), thereby disavowing the "morally straight" Scout Oath its members have been sworn to uphold for over a century.
Of course, "straight" didn't have the same sexual connotations in 1910 as it does now, while "moral" was actually a bit more broadly defined, and included such things as "assassinating Africans on behalf of British imperialism."
Even worse, and in so doing, the BSA effectively waived the only legal defense it once had to preclude openly homosexual Scout leaders and gender-confused girls from its ranks: religious and moral conviction. It's only a matter of time until the BSA is forced to capitulate to sexual extremists' political demands and allow homosexual adults – men who define their identity based upon carnal appetites for other males – to take your boys on overnight camping trips.
Relax, Bam Bam, statistically, gay men are no more likely to be sexually interested in boys than you, an ostensibly straight man, are in young girls.  Frankly, even as a kid I was more worried about Lyme disease than pedophiles, so I say we all just stay the hell out of the woods.  Problem solved.
Once that happens, Trail Life USA will be the life raft for the multitudes. Those who abandon the fast-sinking BSA ship will have a safe place to land.
The woodcraft equivalent of Pets.com.
The group has released a must-see video explaining both the history of Trail Life USA and the BSA's tragic and financially driven cave-in to extremist political groups, hard-left corporate donors and the mainstream media.
Yes, they talk about their inspiring use of "blast emails," "focus groups," and a "trademark patent law firm", and how their efforts reflect "the journey a young boy has take," from initial product research to exploitable brand.
In a recent interview on "WallBuilders Live" radio, John Stemberger, an Eagle Scout, lawyer, pro-family advocate and Trail Life USA's acting board chairman, addressed the BSA tragedy and the resulting birth of this exciting new principled alternative: "Sometimes things have to die before there's a new birth and it comes back better than before. And, not to extend the analogy too far, but even our Lord went through that process," he said.
I think he just outed Jesus.  Someone alert The Advocate.
Regrettably, the usual left-wing suspects have attempted to smear Trail Life USA by labeling it "anti-gay." Nothing could be further from the truth. Trail Life is simply pro-purity.
It's like Ivory Soap with deer ticks and leaves for toilet paper.
 As Christians, the group's leadership has adopted the tried-and-true "love the sinner, hate the sin" model. 
Just so long as there's hate in there somewhere.
The BSA has lost its integrity. It has chosen the almighty dollar over the best interests of the boys it once served so well.
Creating an opening for a trademarked IP with high brand awareness.
Now you have a choice.
At last. Scouting has its good points, and I certainly enjoyed all the outdoorsy stuff, but if there's one thing I always felt the Boy Scouts needed, it was their own impostor fragrance.
An oak has died, but a new seed buds. 
I pray you'll water that new seed. I pray you'll choose Trail Life USA.
I'd love to be in Heaven's mail room when that prayer arrives.  I picture the postal worker played by Jack Albertson in Miracle on 34th Street turning to the next guy at the sorting table and saying, "Say, Mac...either this thing was misaddressed, or somebody just sent God an infomercial."

Please join me in wishing KWillow a very happy birthday, and many more of them.  And remember, if you like Boy Scouts, you'll love Trailmen.

Also: Sexy Birthday Lizards!
"Ah, c'mere and give me a big ol' hug, you!"

K was kind enough to send a photo of her birthday booty (I speak in the pirate sense of the word, although given the brobdingnagian size of that beer bottle, the urge to selfie may have been well-nigh irresistible).
Sadly, the pink mushroom cupcake disappeared before the photographer could properly focus.

11 comments:

Carl said...

It's nice to see the Tailmen taking up where the Boy Scouts left off in advancing in the proto-homosexual circle jerk of life.

Anonymous said...

"Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs..".
A birthday always seems to make that time so much further away-like it happened to someone else entirely.Or maybe you're a better integrator than I am, K.
What am I doing? No nostalgia-type musing on K's Birthday.She's still around - cause for celebration and Dancing in the Street !
Have a lovely day, K and a great year ahead.Visit often, y'hear?
Best.
Suezboo

Anonymous said...

PS Now THAT's a SBL with meaning.
My birthday is 4 June - ya know, just in case you were wondering.
Suezboo

Weird Dave said...

Happy Natal Anniversary Ma'am.

Knowledge Aflame

D. Sidhe said...

Happy birthday to the lovely KWillow, as razor a wit as I've ever read. The good news is, I didn't get you a BamBam.

I do feel compelled to point out that the sexy birthday lizards are both males. They're fighting over a chick, though. The chick is capable of giving birth to male lizards all by herself, though. Which she will then fuck, if she does not first eat them. Also, they eat people.

Lizards: complicated. Some part of that is kind of sexy, I suppose.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

WoC makes the best birthday cards, ever.

Happy, Happy, KWillow!
~

Doc Logan said...

Happy birthday, KWillow!

You've been honored with approximately 30 pounds of SBL!

(I'm becoming the herpetological version of Turkey Volume Guessing Man, aren't I?)

grouchomarxist said...

Chaffin's Barn? I didn't realize you're acquainted with my hometown. My stars! The places you must go and the people you must meet.

Happy birthday, KWillow! Judging by SBL poundage alone, this should be the bestest one yet.

Li'l Innocent said...

"HERE they aaare,
Your Komodo DRAAA-A-GUUUNZ.."
(/Bert Parks)

Happy b'day, KWillow, and may you lord it over your environment like a monarch, and eat all the people you want whenever you want, just like your Komodo draaagunz!

KWillow said...

Thanks Scott, and everybody. This morning I actually have a HANGOVER (its been more than a decade, or two) thanks to the birthday beer my husband got me. From Belgium, called: "Delirium Tremens". Yeah, right. Comes in a white bottle with a CORK instead of a twist-off cap! What could I do? Daughter made me a special cupcake, similar to the cupcakes TSA agents grab from innocent travelers, except she didn't actually frost it- it looked more like a pink mushroom than a cupcake. Quite tasty, though. Went will with "Delirium Tremens" beer. My presents: A "Dr. Who" lamp that looks like his (the Doctor's) sonic screwdriver and makes sonic noises. An "Apple TV" thing that enables me to wirelessly beam whatever is on my computer screen to the TV. And season 5 of Breaking Bad, a show so fascinating to me I tripped and fell and banged my head into the front door because I was watching the show even as I headed for the bathroom.

I LURV the Lizards.... imagine 2 male lizards fighting over ME (or is it the 'Delirium Tremens'?)

I had a great birthday! Thanks, again.

Green Eagle said...

I think that it should be pointed out that, in obligatory Conservative fashion, their website is packed with requests to send them money for this infantile project, the bulk of this will never make it any farther than the founders' own pockets.