Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Spam as a 2nd Language: The Brimstone and Treacle Edition

I really shouldn't be dilly-dallying around and lollyblogging.  I'm under the gun on this assignment and ought to be straining every sinew to get it finished, but I just received an urgent message from ALL HUMANITY, and if I ignore it, the entire human race might go all Say Anything on my ass and stand outside the bedroom window blasting "In Your Eyes" from 6 billion boomboxes, which I'm pretty sure would violate the terms of our lease.
DEARLY BELOVED[PLEASE HELP HUMANITY]6]]
Wait -- this is the sixth notice Humanity has sent me?  Crap, I am so gonna wind up in Small Claims Court.
NAME: DEBORAH JENNIFER HERMAN
COUNTRY OF BIRTH:AUSTRALIA
ATTN:BELOVED,
I'm listening, Beliked.
GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF HUMANITY,I AM MRS DEBORAH JENNIFER HERMAN A CITIZEN OF AUSTRALIA BUT PRESENTLY IN THE MALAYSIA.
The Malaysia?  Cool. Usually I just get spam from impostor peninsulas.
I USED TO BE WORKING FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, I AM 50 YEARS OLD, I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTIAN BUT FROM ALL INDICATION,MY CONDITIONS HEALTH WISE IS REALLY DETERIORATING DUE TO A PAINFUL LONG TIME OF SUFFERING FROM CANCER OF THE LUNGS AND NOW,FROM OBVIOUS RESULTS FROM MY DOCTORS INDICATES THAT I WON"T LIVE MORE THAN 1 YEAR, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE OF COMATOSE.
On the bright side, your typing skills are pretty impressive for someone in a coma, although it's a pity you apparently had your finger on the Shift key when you lost consciousness.
MY LATE HUSBAND DIED LAST FIVE YEARS
Really milked it, huh?  Drama queen.
AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULDN'T PRODUCE ANY CHILD. 
If you can't produce any child in the Malaysia, you're just not trying.  Introducing a change of scene, by scheduling regular "date nights" can help put the spark back in a stale relationship, but couples in long-term marriages -- especially those where one partner is constantly dying and the other's in a coma -- often just wind up going to the same old place; usually the hospice. Which is why, if some random stranger suddenly decided to send me millions of dollars over the Internet for no good reason, I'd use the money to endow a charitable foundation to open a Chili's or a T.G.I.Fridays in every nursing home.
MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH.
Oh, so you're a wealthy vegetable.  Say, have you met Sunny von Bulow? I bet you guys would really hit it off.
THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN 1 YEAR, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA, AND EUROPE.
I've got to be honest with you, Deb -- we're not actually in any of those regions, and we're not actually a church...more of a rude website that makes fun of wingnuts, bad movies and -- to my eternal shame -- people in a very bad stage of comatose.
I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE AND I PRAYED OVER IT.I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $25,000,000USD (TWENTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED.
What about our website would possibly make you...Oh, I get it!  You think Pastor Swank is one of our columnists!  
PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS LYING IN A SECURITY COMPANY IN THE MALAYSIA.
I think we can all agree that something is lying in Malaysia.
I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE USE FOR THE SAID PURPOSE
I give you my word: a T.G.I.Fridays in every assisted living facility.  We just have to figure out a way to squeeze a rack of our famous Jack Daniels-basted baby back ribs through a feeding tube.
BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT HUMILITY,ALL IS VANITY.
To be fair, some is Appolonia.
PLEASE PROVIDE ME WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION SO I CAN FORWARD IT TO A CHURCH ATTORNEY WHOM MY DOCTORS RECOMMENDED SO THAT HE CAN GUIDE YOU ON CLAIM OF THE INHERITANCE FUNDS.
Are these the same doctors who told you you're in a coma?  And are they, by any chance, snickering behind their clipboards and hissing, "Be cool! Be cool!" at each other while offering you these recommendations?
HE IS DILIGENT AND A CHRISTIAN SO I AM CONFIDENT HE IS GOING TO HANDLE THE TRANSACTION WITH YOU AND LEAD, ADVICE YOU ON HOW TO SECURE THE FUNDS IN YOUR FAVOR. 
Wow, this woman gets more done in a coma than I do in a week.  It's like if the Robert DeNiro character from Awakenings regained consciousness after a decades-long state of catatonia and immediately began committing mail fraud. 
I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.(deborah_herman2@aol.com]
I admit, I was skeptical that Mrs. Herman really had $25 million to give away, until it was pointed out to me by my friend wil_mit_romney28 that an aol address is a sure sign of a plutocrat.
YOUнRE SISTER IN CHRIST.
And you're...Ganesh's drunken, ne'er do well brother!  Okay, now we just need suggestions for a place, a style of theatre, and an emotion.  (I didn't realize she was going to make me do improv exercises, but I've done worse for 25 mil...)

3 comments:

Carl said...

Coma? Coma? Coma? Coma? Cancerian?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Here's a citizen of Australia.

(Two, actually. From here.)
~

D. Sidhe said...

Lollyblogging is now one of my very favoritest words.