Sunday, October 6, 2013

Sundays With S.Z: The "Four Shetland Ponies of the Apocalypse" Edition

Originally published October 30, 2005.

Sunday Sermon

1.  Today's first message is brought to us by Dr. Mike S. Adams.  It's about the Orgasm Awareness Festival that will be held at UNC-Chapel Hill next month.  (The subtext is about how the feminists keep saying "orgasm, orgasm," thereby distressing his mighty sword.)
In case you haven't heard about this exciting event, it is focused on the female orgasm and dispelling myths about masturbation, sexuality, orgasm and other important topics.
[...]
Jessica Polka, an executive board member for the co-sponsor of the event, was recently quoted as saying that “We also have the goal of trying to work toward fighting the social stigma against female sexuality.” In other words, she wants college women to become whores without being ostracized.
Yup.  Only whores have orgasms.  Thanks, Dr. Mike, for that inspiring message.

2.  Our next speaker will be Pastor Swank, who brings the good news that "WHITE HOUSE NOT WEAKENED BY LIBBY INDICTMENT."
Of course, reasonable persons would have liked to have had a Friday without Vice President Dick Cheney’s top aide not indicted. But he has been.
Yes, and we reasonable people would also like to have a Friday without Vice President Dick Cheney not eating the hearts of Christian children.  But he has been.

But we shouldn't despair, for Pastor Swank brings us good news: there has been only one perfect person in the history of the world, and his name is George W. Bush.  And he lives!
The White House is strong because of US President George W. Bush. That’s what makes the Oval Office strong.

In each administration there is always the possibility that, with so many persons near the top echelon standing, that somebody is going to do something that should not be done. Mortals we all are, including those who circle in and around the White House.
Yes, those who circle in and around the White House are mere mortals -- however, the omnipotent being who resides in the White House, US President George W Bush, is wholly without sin, and he never, ever screws up!
So with the judicial process running its course, this is another situation hopefully being dealt with fairly. But it surely is not the demise of the White House. It does not weaken the presidency. It does not bring a blotch upon the character of Mr. Bush.
Nothing could bring a blotch upon the character of Mr. Bush, for truly he is the son of God!

3  Next, we'll hear from Hugh Hewitt, who has a piece in the Houston Chronicle called "Below-the-belt pundits KO'd Miers."
The center of the Miers opposition was National Review's blog, The Corner, and another blog, ConfirmThem.com, both with sharp-tongued, witty and relentless writers. They unleashed every argument they could find, and the pack that followed them could not be stopped. Even if a senator had a mind to urge hearings and a vote, he had to feel that it would call down on him the verbal wrath of the anti-Miers zealots.
Yes, how ever could we expect a U.S. senator to call for a vote on the Miers nomination, knowing that if he did so he would have to face the stinging mockery of Jonah Goldberg and pals! 

Anyway, Hugh's thesis is that "This triumph of the conservative punditocracy will have lasting consequences" -- and those consequence will probably be bad.  See, by failing to accept the President's choice, the Korner Kids have made it harder for future nominees, who "will face an instant and savage assault."  After all, if a "White House counsel with distinguished credentials was compared to Caligula's horse and Barney the dog on National Review's Web site," then who knows what kind of witty and relentless assault the next nominee will have to face?  It could even involve Star Trek references and insults stolen from The Simpsons!

So, the spiritual message you should take from the Christian Mr. Hewitt (author of such books as The Embarrassed Believer) is that the Corner is going to hell.

4.   Our last sermon is by  Linda Harvey, "president of Mission America, a pro-family organization which monitors homosexual activism, the occult and New Age influences on American youth."  It's called "Mom, apple pie, Halloween ... and the Christian parent," and it's about how Halloween was started by people who hate your mother.
Let's pretend your mom's name is Annie. Let's also pretend that in the small community where you grew up, back a few years, a handful of people decided they didn't like your mom. Didn't want her around. Even though she was probably the most loved, trusted, reliable, truthful woman in your community, certain people viewed this as a threat.
So they started a "Non-Annie Day."  It was a day when parties were organized – but your sweet mom was not invited. Gatherings of neighbors included food, fun, laughter – but never your mom. She was shunned, by design. 
Yes, Halloween is all about dissing your mother.

Now, let's pretend that your name is Homer.  Let's also pretend that in the small community where you grew up, people hated you.  Didn't want you around.  Because you were something of a stupid, annoying clod.  So they started a "No Homers Club."  You were shunned, by design.  

How does THAT make you feel?  I bet it makes you say, "Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?"  And that's the message we should give our children about Halloween.
Perhaps we deceive ourselves that Halloween will be winked at by the Almighty, that when we see Him, His response will certainly be, "Yes, you were right. It would have been wrong to deprive your children of candy at Halloween. That's the really important priority."
If we think that, we are idiots.  For in truth, His response will certainly be, "Everybody who celebrated a holiday that wasn't about me is going to Hell.  I hope you and your children enjoy your eternity of fire and brimstone!"
Halloween marks and highlights the forces of darkness. It's a showcase for mediums, fortune-telling, occult beliefs, to become more and more mysteriously appealing to uninformed children, all whilst they are surrounded in today's America by the lure of "magick." We're not in Kansas anymore. It's 21st-century America, where Christian parents lovingly hand their kids novels where the child hero is tutored in witchcraft. Hello?
Of course, if we really were still in Kansas, then Miss Gulch would have to keep her identity as a witch secret, and would have to content herself with stealing dogs for use in her ungodly ceremonies instead of kidnapping children and scaring them with hour glasses and mocking their aunties.  And that's the way God wants it. 

(Back in 20th-century America, Christian parents lovingly handed their kids movies where the child hero was tortured by a witch, evil trees, and flying monkeys.  Hello?)
Like a garden, children need two things: nourishment, and protection from destruction. To teach our children that their Creator and Savior deserves love, respect and sometimes, self-sacrifice, we should as parents be shutting our doors, boycotting the candy shelves and clearly showing our children that we are saying "No" to Halloween – because we say a constant and continuous "Yes" to God.

And that way, they will certainly want to join Satan's crappy club for jerks.

5 comments:

Weird Dave said...

I had almost forgotten what a flaccid dick Ass Professor Dr. Mike Adams, PhD was.

Doc Logan said...

Funny thing is, if you know your history, you know that most of the things we associate with Christmas have roots in Pagan celebrations, and Halloween has Christian roots. It was the eve of All Saints Day, and early Christians believed the barrier separating them and the afterlife was thinnest on that evening, so they wore masks to frighten evil spirits away.

If you wield this fact correctly, you can make a fundie's head spin like Linda Blair on crystal meth. And who doesn't love that?

Wally said...

I miss Pastor Swank. Suppose he finally got a shot of Haldol or prolixin, or perhaps he won the lottery and is now watching the roulette wheel in Macau. Or both. But we do miss his presence.

grouchomarxist said...

Yes, how ever could we expect a U.S. senator to call for a vote on the Miers nomination, knowing that if he did so he would have to face the stinging mockery of Jonah Goldberg and pals!

I've known grown men to pull their own heads off rather than face Jonah.

Carl said...

Yup. Only whores have orgasms.

Leave Adams alone. He speaks from personal experience. When he pays, they cum.