Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween!

This year, Moondoggie went as James Bond.  Riley wanted no part of it, but finally agreed to go as a Blofeld-like supervillain, because you know how one half of a couple will whine if the other half refuses to hold up their end of a theme costume.  Besides, it didn't require her to change.  Enjoy!
Happy Halloween, everyone.  So how are you spending the evening?

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Gone Phishin'

Well, not to go all Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents, but it's my birthday, so I'm taking the day off from the Internet!  (Largely because I woke up and discovered our Internet service is out).  Anyway our regular "Sundays With S.Z." feature will be postponed this week, because I can't comb through the archives on my phone without getting a migraine.

Y'know, it's embarrassing to admit, but thanks to those weekly trips in the Wayback Machine, I've gotten so nostalgic for some of the classic, language-mangling wingnuts like Pastor Swank, or Kaye Grogan, or Mary Grabar, that I've taken to actually opening and reading my email spam just to get a fix.

This time it's Mike Tolbert, of the United Nations Development Programme, writing to me from "Plot 617/618" in the "Diplomatic Zone" (as you may recall, the last improbably named Nigerian to offer me a multimillion dollar ATM card, Mr. Robin Hood, was located in the "Cad Astral Zone," so if you'd like a fortune in unearned cash, just go to a Zone -- they're giving it away).  Anyhow, judging by Mike's address, he's apparently dead and buried, but still concerned about my lottery winnings:
We are pleased to inform you your ATM Card total ($2Million United State Dollar) and some other items was brought to our office by the United Nation Organization via a Lottery Fiduciary Claim Agent, signifying that you are a rightful winner to their Lottery Award Promo selected randomly.
Which is all well and good, but it's the typical thing, and I was just about to close the mail app and move on with my life when I saw the following sentence:
Your e-mail address was among the 5 lucky email addresses which make your email address as one of the lucky email address and they have decided to send it to you by Diploma.
I don't know about you, but I think that deserves prime exhibit space in the Hall of Tautologies in the circular Ourouboros Wing of the Pastor Swank Museum of the Language English.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Auto Zone to pick up a couple million for the weekend.
(Phew! Internet connection spotty and slow, but sorta kinda working again)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Slight Glitch With Obamacare" Edition

RILEY:  Great, the Russian guy next door is wandering around in his underpants again.  And it's that venerable pair that was clearly manufactured to meet the highest standards of Brezhnev-era quality control.

RILEY:  Oh...it's you.  Think you've come to give me my pill, do you?

RILEY:  Think again!  You're not getting that vile thing anywhere near my mouth.  Now shoo, biped!  Begone with you!

RILEY:  Um.  Little help here...?

MEANWHILE...

MOONDOGGIE:  It's just so hard for me to find a comfortable position!...Ahhh, there we go.  Perfect.

Show Us Your Halloween Costumes!

 The Real Housewives of the KKK gather for their first Halloween party.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Carl Weathers IS Caption Jackson!

"All right, fine, I should've stopped and asked for directions!...Say, you're okay without a pressure suit, right?  Hon...?"

(Please feel free to toss something better into the comments)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Spam as a 2nd Language: The Brimstone and Treacle Edition

I really shouldn't be dilly-dallying around and lollyblogging.  I'm under the gun on this assignment and ought to be straining every sinew to get it finished, but I just received an urgent message from ALL HUMANITY, and if I ignore it, the entire human race might go all Say Anything on my ass and stand outside the bedroom window blasting "In Your Eyes" from 6 billion boomboxes, which I'm pretty sure would violate the terms of our lease.
DEARLY BELOVED[PLEASE HELP HUMANITY]6]]
Wait -- this is the sixth notice Humanity has sent me?  Crap, I am so gonna wind up in Small Claims Court.
NAME: DEBORAH JENNIFER HERMAN
COUNTRY OF BIRTH:AUSTRALIA
ATTN:BELOVED,
I'm listening, Beliked.
GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF HUMANITY,I AM MRS DEBORAH JENNIFER HERMAN A CITIZEN OF AUSTRALIA BUT PRESENTLY IN THE MALAYSIA.
The Malaysia?  Cool. Usually I just get spam from impostor peninsulas.
I USED TO BE WORKING FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, I AM 50 YEARS OLD, I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTIAN BUT FROM ALL INDICATION,MY CONDITIONS HEALTH WISE IS REALLY DETERIORATING DUE TO A PAINFUL LONG TIME OF SUFFERING FROM CANCER OF THE LUNGS AND NOW,FROM OBVIOUS RESULTS FROM MY DOCTORS INDICATES THAT I WON"T LIVE MORE THAN 1 YEAR, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE OF COMATOSE.
On the bright side, your typing skills are pretty impressive for someone in a coma, although it's a pity you apparently had your finger on the Shift key when you lost consciousness.
MY LATE HUSBAND DIED LAST FIVE YEARS
Really milked it, huh?  Drama queen.
AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULDN'T PRODUCE ANY CHILD. 
If you can't produce any child in the Malaysia, you're just not trying.  Introducing a change of scene, by scheduling regular "date nights" can help put the spark back in a stale relationship, but couples in long-term marriages -- especially those where one partner is constantly dying and the other's in a coma -- often just wind up going to the same old place; usually the hospice. Which is why, if some random stranger suddenly decided to send me millions of dollars over the Internet for no good reason, I'd use the money to endow a charitable foundation to open a Chili's or a T.G.I.Fridays in every nursing home.
MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH.
Oh, so you're a wealthy vegetable.  Say, have you met Sunny von Bulow? I bet you guys would really hit it off.
THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN 1 YEAR, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA, AND EUROPE.
I've got to be honest with you, Deb -- we're not actually in any of those regions, and we're not actually a church...more of a rude website that makes fun of wingnuts, bad movies and -- to my eternal shame -- people in a very bad stage of comatose.
I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE AND I PRAYED OVER IT.I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $25,000,000USD (TWENTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED.
What about our website would possibly make you...Oh, I get it!  You think Pastor Swank is one of our columnists!  
PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS LYING IN A SECURITY COMPANY IN THE MALAYSIA.
I think we can all agree that something is lying in Malaysia.
I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE USE FOR THE SAID PURPOSE
I give you my word: a T.G.I.Fridays in every assisted living facility.  We just have to figure out a way to squeeze a rack of our famous Jack Daniels-basted baby back ribs through a feeding tube.
BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT HUMILITY,ALL IS VANITY.
To be fair, some is Appolonia.
PLEASE PROVIDE ME WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION SO I CAN FORWARD IT TO A CHURCH ATTORNEY WHOM MY DOCTORS RECOMMENDED SO THAT HE CAN GUIDE YOU ON CLAIM OF THE INHERITANCE FUNDS.
Are these the same doctors who told you you're in a coma?  And are they, by any chance, snickering behind their clipboards and hissing, "Be cool! Be cool!" at each other while offering you these recommendations?
HE IS DILIGENT AND A CHRISTIAN SO I AM CONFIDENT HE IS GOING TO HANDLE THE TRANSACTION WITH YOU AND LEAD, ADVICE YOU ON HOW TO SECURE THE FUNDS IN YOUR FAVOR. 
Wow, this woman gets more done in a coma than I do in a week.  It's like if the Robert DeNiro character from Awakenings regained consciousness after a decades-long state of catatonia and immediately began committing mail fraud. 
I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.(deborah_herman2@aol.com]
I admit, I was skeptical that Mrs. Herman really had $25 million to give away, until it was pointed out to me by my friend wil_mit_romney28 that an aol address is a sure sign of a plutocrat.
YOUнRE SISTER IN CHRIST.
And you're...Ganesh's drunken, ne'er do well brother!  Okay, now we just need suggestions for a place, a style of theatre, and an emotion.  (I didn't realize she was going to make me do improv exercises, but I've done worse for 25 mil...)

Monday, October 21, 2013

And 30% Off Regional Stereotypes, This Week Only!

Well, this blogging thing has been a fun ride and all, but thanks to Amazon Local discounts and the Learning Annex, I've finally found my métier, and once I get my chakras rotated and realigned, I'm off to become the next John Tesh!

P.S.  Our friend Joanna (better known in the Series of Tubes as Anntichrist S. Coulter) is having trouble with the Blogger commenting software again (or, perhaps, she is a robot and it's finally found her out!) and wanted me to pass along her thanks for the many wonderful birthday wishes she received, which she found truly touching, assuming an inorganic lifeform is capable of experiencing such emotions.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: The Clash of the Titans Edition

The following column was originally posted December 30, 2005, as part of s.z.'s "Ultimate Wingnut Challenge," but I'm only excerpting the parts about Pastor Swank and Dr. Professor Mike Adams, because who gives a fig about John "Hindrocket" Hinderaker or Ann Coulter anymore?

#2.  Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr.


It's been a busy year for Pastor Swank, since he's written approximately 17,000 columns in the last 12 months.

While time and space (and the integrity of the time-space continuum) don't permit us to mention even a fraction of his greatest hits, here are a few of our favorites:

From Saturday, there's "I’M COMFORTED: MUSLIM SITES SEARCHED."
Islamic killers international setting up schemes in every corner of the planet. Islamic suicide enthusiasts wiping themselves out to have eternal orgies with playboy bunnies.
[...]
Now with all that going on would there be any reason for the US federal government searching Muslim areas for possible malcontents? I would think so.
Yeah, they were searching private property with radiation detectors (not Midge Decters) because they were looking for possible malcontents who like Playboy bunnies.  

(And while we prefer "Murderers Global" to "Islamic Killers International," the phrase does show the patented Swank touch.)

Here's a snippet from a column from a couple of weeks ago: "CHRISTMAS WITCH: THE DEVIL IN ‘SILENT NIGHT’." 
How low can one stoop? A school has boys and girls singing the revered Christmas hymn, "Silent Night," as a secular song in their holiday program this December.
This is blasphemy. This is absolutely intolerable. This politically correct to the devilish degree. This just can’t be tolerated. America, all America, regardless of faith, should rise up to declare the Ridgeway Elementary School deported to Castro’s Cuba. Or better yet, the heart of China
Yeah, send those elementary school kids to China -- that will teach them to be in an operetta that put different words to the music from "Silent Night"!

Embryonic stem cell research is the same as murder.  
There's no beating around the bush from Pastor Swank!  (We were going to follow that comment with a pun concerning the Pastor's tendency to arouse himself by writing about President Bush, but we realized that it would be wrong.) 

But here's one of his "Bush / freedom spread" columns: "RESEARCH: FREEDOM SPREAD GOING FORWARD."
But in other geographies, freedom spread is becoming a contagion. That is most encouraging to those who breathe liberty breezes daily. Therefore, all the more that the free countries support such efforts as those exhibited by the US President George W. Bush and colleagues. His administration has spent the first and second terms primarily seeking human liberties expanded.
Trust him.  Bush is all about human liberties expanded.

And there was the column about Hurricane Katrina: "NEW ORLEANS’ SIN BROUGHT DEVASTATION: ‘REPENT AMERICA.’"
"Southern Decadence" was set for New Orleans soon. It was to be a yearly hoopla celebrating practicing homosexuality as a legitimate, giddy lifestyle.
Thousands upon thousands were going to crawl all over New Orleans "to celebrate their sexuality," according to Methodist lay preacher Gary Hopkins of Ekklesia.co.uk.[...]
As far as Repent America is concerned, divine judgment has come upon a metropolis that was bent on making its environs open to hell’s demons. Therefore, God intervened. There will be no "Southern Decadence" skipping the light fantastic. Over and out. Done. Gone. Under water.
Pastor Swank believes in a vengeful God who will smite you silly if you look at Him wrong (or open your city to demons by letting homosexuals vacation there).

And you have to admire titles like:
But some people (such as Brad) prefer the "I Believe in Miracles" series.  Brad retells some of these faith-promoting tales in "Pastor Swank's Story Hour" and "Carolyn, No (Pastor Swank's Story Hour)." 

My favorite in the series (next to the great "I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES: FAITH SURVIVED," which features the demons crawling on the church walls and the parishioners who are mean to the Swanks and then die and/or have children who are unchurched) is probably "I Believe in Miracles: The Suitcase."  It's the one about how the Pastor thinks his son is going to kill him, and so the Pastor prepares a suitcase so he can skip town, leaving his wife behind to die.

But I want to mention a lesser-known column from the series, "I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES: THE SCAR," which is about how his hernia scar saved the Pastor from a child molester at Christian camp.
Each bunkhouse had its own counselor — a male, usually a young fellow or a preacher from one of the churches. It was a glorious way to spend a week each summer. I would not have missed it for the world.
My counselor each summer was always Paul.
[...]
One day he and I were walking by some of the pup tents that the older boys slept in. We stopped, walked into a pup tent and then sat down on one of the cots. He sided up close to me. Then I felt him touch me. He gently touched my lower stomach. And then there flashed across my thoughts an uncomfortable interlude.

There was a scar that I wore just beneath my middle. It was from a hernia operation I had had when 4 years old. I was not really embarrassed by that scar but on the other hand I didn’t know what to do with it. No one had really seen it except my parents and myself. It always tucked itself conveniently beneath my waistband, even when I wore swimming trunks.

Therefore, when Paul kept his hand near that part of my stomach, I thought of the hernia scar, well healed over, but nevertheless still there. And with that, I stood up and walked out of the pup tent.
[...]
In some strange way I actually believe that that small scar, well healed, was a kind of miracle stroke across my skin.
The other boys who lacked such miraculous scars might have other memories of Bible camp.

Anyway, if you like your wingnuts really nutty (and enjoy really creative uses of the English language), then Pastor Swank's your man!


MaryC's Fashion Minute



Finally! A shirt that depicts Homer Simpson copping a feel! Dreams really do come true!

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Cheek-to-Cheek Edition

RILEY:  You!  Bring me the treats cart.  I desire something...crunchy.

MOONDOGGIE:  I just don't get Duck Dynasty.  I thought it was gonna be a glamorous, 80s-style night-time soap about Scrooge McDuck, but so far, they haven't even had one wig-grabbing catfight...

(Later, under the influence of three different Whiskas® Flavor Medleys...)

RILEY:  I love you, man.  No, I mean it, I really, really...Gee, your hair smells terrific!

MOONDOGGIE:  The sad thing is, she'll wake up in the morning and not remember any of this.  Or so she'll say...

Friday, October 18, 2013

Happy Birthday, KWillow! I Got You a...Dear God, What Have I DONE??

UPDATED BELOW
First, the good news: today we're celebrating the birthday of KWillow, who is -- no brag -- one of the nicest, kindest, most caring people I have ever had the pleasure to know.  And not only is she a genuine humanitarian (who helped us enormously during the Late Unpleasantness that was Riley and Mary's twin, Elliot-and-E.T.-style illnesses), but she's an artist, rendering locally famous Cats in the style of the Old Masters...
...and enlivening this joint with her whip-smart and witty musings.  It's always a pleasure to come upon one of K's comments, either here, or at less dodgy venues such as Alicublog, or the late, lamented Bats Left, Throws Right.  In short, she's a Damn Fine Person, a Good Soul brimming with soulful goodness, and whenever I despair of humankind and crawl out onto my personal ledge (well, I don't own it per se -- it's a time-share ledge -- but I bought two weeks out of the year for humanity-despairing purposes) she's one of the very few who restores my faith in people.  And as we all know from Bob Vila, a complete restoration can vastly increase humanity's resale value.

I wanted to get her something special this year, but K is no bruised turnip freshly tumbled from the truck; she's been around the blogosphere and knows her wingnuts, so I searched long and hard to find a right blogger whose stupidity was equal to the occasion.   It took awhile, as I considered and rejected several candidates, before stumbling upon this "Bam Bam" Barber piece announcing that he and his pals have gone all neo-Confederate and seceded from the Boy Scouts (ironically earning their "Gone Galt" badges in the process).

Now the bad news...It's a "Bam Bam" Barber piece.  For those who have successfully expunged him from their brains, J. Matt "Bam Bam" Barber is the ex-pro am boxer and insurance agent who was fired by Allstate after writing a bunch of crazy stuff about gay people on the Internet, thus becoming a martyr to the Gay Agenda.  In short order, he acquired a B.S. in "Organizational Management" from "Colorado Christian University", an M.A. in "Public Policy" from "Regent University Robertson School of Government" (founded in 1978 by televangelist Pat Robertson as the Christian Broadcasting Network University), and a J.D. from Regent University Law School.  The mills of God grind slowly, but the diploma mills of God-botherers are miracles of mass production.  Matt is now "Associate Dean for Career and Professional Development" (or "guidance counselor") for Liberty University School of Law (founded in 1971 by Jerry Falwell as Lynchburg Baptist College).  Their motto is "Knowledge Aflame" and their seal...
...depicts the university being burned down for the insurance.  Which brings us full circle.
Your safe, moral Boy Scouts alternative is ...
I didn't even know we needed a Boy Scouts alternative.  I just hope it's not made from Olestra...
It was Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 6, 2013. The huge hall was overflowing, the convention sold out. Over 1,200 attendees, with many spilling out into the foyer, eagerly awaited the announcement.
Chaffin's Barn Dinner Theatre hadn't seen so many sweaty, tightly-packed evangelicals, all tense with anticipation, since Lynda Carter appeared in Pajama Tops.
 What would this safe, moral and non-sexualized alternative to the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) look like? 
Like a 1977 Chrysler Cordoba.  We're not sure why; possibly because the BSA alternative, while non-sexualized, is still available in rich Corinthian leather.
With a stirring introductory video came the answer: "Trail Life USA" would now endeavor to "be the premier national character development organization for young men, which produces godly and responsible husbands, fathers and citizens."
I dunno...I watched the whole thing, and despite all the stirring, I still got burned on the bottom.
The reveal, eagerly anticipated by hundreds of thousands – if not millions – 
I'm thinking not millions --
-- of Americans was met with rousing cheers. "Our mission is simple and clear," came the official mission statement, "to guide generations of courageous young men to honor God, lead with integrity, serve others and experience outdoor adventure."
Matt, just because your mission statement said it came doesn't make it official.  Sometimes it lies, because it doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or it has to get up early.  Anyway, good luck luring those generations of young men into the woods.
A brief summary from the new scouting-like organization's website (TrailLifeUSA.com) reads as follows: 
"Most guys want exciting outdoor adventure with their friends. We've got that! Trips and travel? That, too. Camping. Check. Physical and mental challenge? Yep. And awards? Of course!
It doesn't sound like an alternative to the Boy Scouts, it sounds like they've figured out a way to franchise Brokeback Mountain.
"Trail Life USA is a Christian adventure, character and leadership movement for young men. The K-12 program centers on outdoor experiences that build a young man's skills and allow him to grow on a personal level and as a role model and leader for his peers. Living the Trail Life is a journey established on timeless values derived from the Bible."
How does hiking, skinny-dipping in the lake, and telling ghost stories around the fire reflect Biblical values?  Well, that whole business in the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering the wilderness for forty years is really a story about a camping trip, and we're just lucky Moses didn't make us look at his vacation slides as well.
Countless men and boys who once called themselves "Boy Scouts" will now proudly bear the title of "Trailman."
In the Trailman organization, the equivalent of an Eagle Scout is a Treasure Trailman.
Back in May, millions of Americans were shocked and saddened when the BSA inexplicably bowed to left-wing political pressure and became something it had never before been: a hyper-politicized, aberrantly sexualized petri dish for social and sexual experimentation.
As opposed to its previous identity as a vector for sash-wearing and wallet-stitching.
Created in 1910 to "prepare young people to make ethical and moral choices over their lifetimes," the BSA, on May 23, 2013, tragically voted to welcome into its ranks "open and avowed" homosexuality (boy-on-boy sexual attraction and behavior), thereby disavowing the "morally straight" Scout Oath its members have been sworn to uphold for over a century.
Of course, "straight" didn't have the same sexual connotations in 1910 as it does now, while "moral" was actually a bit more broadly defined, and included such things as "assassinating Africans on behalf of British imperialism."
Even worse, and in so doing, the BSA effectively waived the only legal defense it once had to preclude openly homosexual Scout leaders and gender-confused girls from its ranks: religious and moral conviction. It's only a matter of time until the BSA is forced to capitulate to sexual extremists' political demands and allow homosexual adults – men who define their identity based upon carnal appetites for other males – to take your boys on overnight camping trips.
Relax, Bam Bam, statistically, gay men are no more likely to be sexually interested in boys than you, an ostensibly straight man, are in young girls.  Frankly, even as a kid I was more worried about Lyme disease than pedophiles, so I say we all just stay the hell out of the woods.  Problem solved.
Once that happens, Trail Life USA will be the life raft for the multitudes. Those who abandon the fast-sinking BSA ship will have a safe place to land.
The woodcraft equivalent of Pets.com.
The group has released a must-see video explaining both the history of Trail Life USA and the BSA's tragic and financially driven cave-in to extremist political groups, hard-left corporate donors and the mainstream media.
Yes, they talk about their inspiring use of "blast emails," "focus groups," and a "trademark patent law firm", and how their efforts reflect "the journey a young boy has take," from initial product research to exploitable brand.
In a recent interview on "WallBuilders Live" radio, John Stemberger, an Eagle Scout, lawyer, pro-family advocate and Trail Life USA's acting board chairman, addressed the BSA tragedy and the resulting birth of this exciting new principled alternative: "Sometimes things have to die before there's a new birth and it comes back better than before. And, not to extend the analogy too far, but even our Lord went through that process," he said.
I think he just outed Jesus.  Someone alert The Advocate.
Regrettably, the usual left-wing suspects have attempted to smear Trail Life USA by labeling it "anti-gay." Nothing could be further from the truth. Trail Life is simply pro-purity.
It's like Ivory Soap with deer ticks and leaves for toilet paper.
 As Christians, the group's leadership has adopted the tried-and-true "love the sinner, hate the sin" model. 
Just so long as there's hate in there somewhere.
The BSA has lost its integrity. It has chosen the almighty dollar over the best interests of the boys it once served so well.
Creating an opening for a trademarked IP with high brand awareness.
Now you have a choice.
At last. Scouting has its good points, and I certainly enjoyed all the outdoorsy stuff, but if there's one thing I always felt the Boy Scouts needed, it was their own impostor fragrance.
An oak has died, but a new seed buds. 
I pray you'll water that new seed. I pray you'll choose Trail Life USA.
I'd love to be in Heaven's mail room when that prayer arrives.  I picture the postal worker played by Jack Albertson in Miracle on 34th Street turning to the next guy at the sorting table and saying, "Say, Mac...either this thing was misaddressed, or somebody just sent God an infomercial."

Please join me in wishing KWillow a very happy birthday, and many more of them.  And remember, if you like Boy Scouts, you'll love Trailmen.

Also: Sexy Birthday Lizards!
"Ah, c'mere and give me a big ol' hug, you!"

K was kind enough to send a photo of her birthday booty (I speak in the pirate sense of the word, although given the brobdingnagian size of that beer bottle, the urge to selfie may have been well-nigh irresistible).
Sadly, the pink mushroom cupcake disappeared before the photographer could properly focus.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Neither Dick Nordik

Hey, guys.  As Mary mentioned, I'm working on a super secret project which -- as usual for this kind of thing -- requires an insanely broad scope of work compressed into a ridiculously brief window of time, but I hope to have something more bloggish up later tonight.

In other news, it's Thursday, and you know what that means...Time for Chapter Three of The Monster And The Ape ("Flames of Fate") at She Blogged By Night (click here for Chapter 1 and Chapter 2).  Watch as our hero becomes a kiln-fired ashtray from a 5th Grade Arts & Crafts project, and place your bets on how long it takes before all the Wildroot Cream-Oil Hair Tonic in his slicked-back coiffure explodes like the oil field fire in There Will Be Blood!
"All right, youse pinstriped nancy boys, back off an' give her some air.  As a longtime employee of a mad doctor, I'm the only one qualified here to give this unfortunate cold-cocked dame the Kiss of Life!"

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Scenes From A Marriage: Part Whatevs

MARY:  I wrote a little something for the blog.

SCOTT:  Great! Can you post it after midnight?

MARY:  I won't be awake after midnight.

SCOTT:  Just use the Scheduler.  You know how to use the Scheduler, don't you?

MARY:  Just put your lips together and blow?

Monday, October 14, 2013

Bloody Maryc's Spooktacular, Horrifying, Boologging, Shocktober...um...Thing.

Giving you all fair warning: Scott is away, and I am here to SLAY-er--PLAY with all of you.  First off, please let me introduce you to my good fiend--I mean, friend Scary Harlequin Kid. Now with at least one extra head!


It...it got a little messy out there.  There was only one house left that had candy, and...it was just a crush of costumes and masks, and I started pulling someone's hair, and then...just. couldn't. STOP.

All fun aside, I am taking over blogging duties this week and periodically for the rest of the month, while Scott is chained to his desk, working on a secret project that Wiki-Leaks will let spill in a week or so. Expect lots of Halloween fun, horror, and just plain weirdness in the coming days.  Happy 18 days till Halloween, y'all!  (And please feel free to add your own caption!)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: You Gotta Inspect Your Horn, Boy!

Originally published November 13, 2005

Sunday Sermon


Today's inspirational message comes to us from Pastor Swank.
While such theologically liberal denominations as the Episcopal Church continue to baptize practicing homosexual lifestyles as God ordained, they add to the increase of sexually transmitted diseases.
Hey, if baptizing practicing homosexual lifestyles is what God ordained, then why criticize the Episcopalians for doing as He commanded?  (Although, I am confused about exactly how one baptizes a lifestyle, practicing or not.  Sure, you can take the lifestyle down by the river and hold it under the water, but how are you going to know whether it was completely immersed?)
All the while, these supposedly sophisticated congregations further disease, particularly such outbreaks as syphilis.
By not mandating protection during their Sunday orgies, they are indeed furthering such outbreaks.
According Xinhuanet, "new syphilis cases rose nationwide in US for the fourth consecutive year in 2004, federal health researchers said on Tuesday."
XinhuaNet is a product of the Xinhua News Agency, the official press agency of the People's Republic of China (which is considered by many to be 'an instrument of state-sponsored propaganda").  So, I think we've learned a little something about Pastor Swank today: namely, that he's a propagandist for Red China. (I imagine that he was sent here as a deep-cover mole about ten years ago; his mission is to undermine our morale and syntax with his columns.  The fact that he learned English in spy school at the age of 52 would account for writing style.) 
The news feed further to specify that the "syphilis increase was especially significant among gay men. . ." 
Aligning with the Episcopal Church are the United Church of Christ (Congregational) and Unitarian Universalist Society. These groups have made it front line public relations to speak for active homosexuals. Instead of the biblical teachings, their pulpits have been particularly active in preaching sermons devoted to accepting homosexual interchanges as heaven blessed.
The liberal press has made little of the liberal denominations aiding the increase of sexually transmitted diseases, yet that is exactly what has resulted from the denominational apostasy voted in by the denominations' voting assemblies in recent years.
Damn that liberal press, which refuses to blame liberal denominations for spreading STDs!
Theologically conservative churches remain loyal to regarding the Bible as divine revelation; therefore, these congregations preach personal salvation through Christ. That preaching does not permit deleting portions of the Bible for the convenience of sin. 
Conservative congregations are usually categorized as "evangelical." Therefore, the evangelical witness maintains that all persons, including homosexuals, are welcomed at their churches. They will then be introduced to the living Christ and His holiness lifestyle which supplants the active homosexual lifestyle. [...] 
By turning from active homosexual lifestyles to Christian holiness, such conversions then lower the possibility of coming upon sexually transmitted diseases..
So, per Pastor Swank, theologically liberal denominations haven't been telling gays that God hates their sexual orientation, so these churches are responsible for the rising rates of syphilis and chlamydia in the United States.  But evangelicals preach a "holiness lifestyle," and therefore their congregations have no sexually transmitted diseases whatsoever. 

Shall we test that theory?

Of course, the CDC doesn't keep track of STD rates by religion, but it does do it by state (see "STD statistics for the USA").  So, keeping in mind Pastor Swank's thesis, you'd expect that a theologically and politically liberal state like Taxachusetts or Vermont to be at the top of the list for STDs, wouldn't you?   (Okay, you wouldn't, but play along with me, okay?)

So, you will be shocked, SHOCKED to learn that in 2004, Louisiana, a Red State in the Bible Belt, ranked highest in cases of syphilis per capita.  Mississippi (Red State, Bible Belt) was number one for both chlamydia and gonorrhea.  However, Massachusetts and Vermont didn't make the top ten for any of the STDs -- proof positive that it's the liberal churches' fault that the rate of new sphyllis cases have increased for the past three years. 

Fun Facts Time: the all-time low of 2.1 cases of syphilis per 100,000 people occurred in 2000-2001.  Interestingly enough, the highest rate of syphilis since they began measuring these things (70.9) was in 1946, when no churches were baptizing homosexual lifestyles. 

Now some might attribute the dramatic drop in the number of cases of the clap to penicillin, condoms, and those graphic "hygiene" films they started making during WWII.  But I like to think it's because of the liberal baptism of practicing lifestyles, even if that does go against the official Chi-Com talking points  

4:17:15 AM

Friday, October 11, 2013

Happy Birthday, Anntichrist S. Coulter!

Okay, okay, here she comes!  Quick -- everybody hide!

Shhh!  Shhh!

SHHH!

Click!

SURPRI--aw, crap, forget it.  She read the title...

Well, as you undoubtedly knew already too (damn you, RSS feeds!), today is the natal anniversary of our good friend Anntichrist S. Coulter, who, if this were Downton Abbey, would probably be known as the Dowager Countess of Crap.  In fact, Annti's been around here so long that her online nic actually inspired the old Wo'C custom of posting an Ann Coulter picture on birthdays -- but I wouldn't hold it against her.  In fact, I would suggest that we have emerged tempered from that particular crucible -- each of us forged by adversity into that rarest kind of person; one who is strong, yet flexible, and most important of all, truly capable of appreciating a really sexy birthday lizard.
Hellll-loooo, Ladies!

But since Annti is one of the Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crappers around, I figured we could observe at least one of our ancient traditions: checking on the horoscope.
You are witty, fun to be around, and charming. Your sense of humor is well-developed
Huh.  You know, I tend to think astrology is absolute bullshit, but that's not only spot-on, it's eerily so. 
and you are a sports lover. 
Hey, that's probably true, too!  I mean, in the past Annti has requested photos of Terry Crews for her birthday...
"This shit will punch your ass with fragrance!"

...and he was involved in some sort of sports, I think.  Maybe there is something to this horoscope business...
Generally considered rather "lucky"
Okay, astrology is absolute bullshit.
Famous people born today: Luke Perry, Eleanor Roosevelt, Sean Flanery, Joan Cusack, Darryl Hall.
I'd pay to eavesdrop on that key party.

Now, as you've probably noticed, we have a rather broad cross-section of straight, gay, lesbian, and bi readers of both sexes (and possibly more permutations of gender that just haven't happened to come up in comments yet), so one of the particularly nice things about an Anntichrist S. Coulter birthday is that the cheesecake is always diverse and inclusive, as required by our liberal Supreme Court, since she bats from both sides of the plate, depending on who's come up in the pitching rotation (I'm doing my best to service her celestial-certified love of sports). So let's conclude with a group hug, and an educational photo of Charlize Theron:
"Einstein proved that it's mathematically impossible to be too sexy for this shirt, and yet somehow I'm doing it.  I blame the Unified Field Theory and Ingeborg, my personal trainer."

Please join me in wishing our beloved Annti a very happy birthday.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Random Scenes of Hollywood

I figured we haven't done this in awhile, so... (click to embiggen)

Hundreds of toilets line our block of Hollywood Boulevard, apparently awaiting some sort of plumbing fixture Pride parade.


Not to go all Sheryl Crow on you, but...Sunset over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Missing the Seventies?  Visit the historic Wall O' Sleaze at the Arclight Cinema.

The Manhattan Beach pier would now like to do its impression of the Miss Saigon logo...

UPDATE:  Speaking of pictures, Stacia has posted The Monster and the Ape #2: Bringing a Monkey to a Knife Fight over at She Blogged By Night.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Happy (Belated) Birthday, Dr. BDH! I Blame Obamacare.

Friday, October 4th was the birthday of Wo'C Chief Medical Officer Dr. BDH, but unfortunately, due to the government shut-down, I was unable to post a birthday greeting, under pain of a beating by a Park Ranger.  Granted, she was kind of a smallish, mild-mannered woman, and she didn't actually threaten me so much as she just sort of stood next to a sawhorse in front of the World War II Memorial -- but she was clearly unashamed!  And that inevitably leads to being naked and unashamed.  Plus, she was wearing a campaign hat, and you know who also wore a campaign hat but was otherwise naked?  Smokey the Bear!  And bears can maul and even eat you.  Ever seen Grizzly Man?  Or worse, Catching Trouble?

So while failing to post punctual birthday greetings is, admittedly, a breach of the social contract, I think we can all agree that I had legitimate reason to fear for my life, and therefore I should just be let off with a warning.

As for the traditional birthday cheesecake photo, the good Doctor has requested that I forgo the usual Sexy Birthday Lizard, no doubt because he has a sentimental attachment to the human-reptile hybrids he builds in his lab at the World O' Crap World O' Headquarters, and doesn't enjoy seeing their relatives exploited.

However, since Tommy T has conclusively identified the mystery automaton below as "Robert the Robot," I thought we should further develop the theme with a photo of Sean Young in her second best role (after Stripes), as Rachael the Replicant in Blade Runner.
"Why worry about lung cancer when you've got a four year lifespan anyway?"

Speaking of warnings, beware: Ellis Washington ahead.
With the official launching of Obamacare on Oct. 1st, I am reminded of the famous aphorism attributed to playwright George Bernard Show, "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Have we learned nothing from history?
Well, we haven't learned that the famous aphorism was actually coined by French critic and novelist Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr, but as longtime readers know, an unfailing ability to misattribute quotes is pretty much the hammer in Ellis' rhetorical toolbox.
Who is the real father of universal healthcare? 
We performed a paternity test but ironically, thanks to Obamacare, we won't get the results back for another six weeks.
Otto von Bismarck, the Chancellor of Germany (1871-90), established the world's first welfare state in Germany. In 1883, Bismarck established socialized healthcare in Germany with the Reichsversicherungsverordnung or Reich Insurance Act...
Bismarck's institution of socialized healthcare was designed to co-opt the increasing popularity of Marxist socialism and to implement its anti-God, anti-capitalism ideas spreading throughout Europe in the late 1800¡äs. 
So Bismarck, who was a devout Lutheran, tried to stop godless communism by implementing it?  I guess this makes Obama a secret Prussian.  Pass the word to the tea party poster makers: nix on the Hitler mustaches!  All we have to do now is Photoshop the President with one of those big walrus 'staches and a spiked helmet, and we'll turn sauerkraut back into "liberty cabbage" before the 2014 midterms!
Modeling his government in part after the dictatorship of his predecessor, Otto von Bismarck, it was Adolf Hitler (1933-45) who actually forced socialized healthcare on the entire German people as a part of a comprehensive, systematic nazification of the German nation including its healthcare industry.
At the same time, Hitler also loosened restrictions on private gun ownership, which suggests that he owned stock in for-profit hospitals and was just trying to drum up business, the way itinerate glazier Charlie Chaplin (who also wore a Hitler mustache!) had Jackie Coogan throw rocks through windows in The Kid.
For this cause, Adolf Hitler must be considered one of the founding fathers of universal healthcare, along with the Soviet Union who had by 1921 established a universal healthcare system.
In much the same way, Wilhelm IV, Duke of Bavaria established the German Beer Purity Law in 1516, and therefore must be considered one of the founding fathers of the FDA, so if you're still pissed that you can't get cyclamate in your Sugar Twin, take it up with His Grace.
One aspect of Hitler's socialist universal healthcare model was "racial hygiene," the removal of certain "undesirable" segments of society who are judged beneath the Aryan ideal, thus "life unworthy of existence," as Hitler believed. Using his brutal panzer divisions, Hitler literally rolled out his universal healthcare throughout occupied France, Belgium and the Netherlands – those nations with mainly "Aryan" populations. Hitler used his military thugs the Gestapo and SS Stormtroopers, to implement universal healthcare
No one who lived through the 1940 invasion of France can forget the German's brilliant use of blitzkoloskopie, or "lightning-colonoscopy" tactics, and even today, few French veterans can sit down without a wince of remembrance.
Of course I do not contend that Obama is Hitler
This picture, which was included with both the RenewAmerica and slightly different WorldNetDaily versions of Ellis' article, notwithstanding.
But if America foolishly adopt policies of national socialism then we fail to learn from history the innumerable grotesqueries, inhumanity and genocide of previous nations who tried universal healthcare.
Ellis isn't saying that Obama is Hitler, just that he stole all of Hitler's ideas, which makes him even worse -- a hipster Hitler poseur, or "Hipler." Anyway, I guess I can forget that lifelong dream of taking a trip to Sweden, since apparently the whole country is now just a desolate wasteland after they all killed each other with free mammograms.
To grant governments this god-like power over birth, life and death issues will be misused, perhaps not exactly as it was in Nazi Germany yet these antecedents were merely harbingers of our present enslavement under Obamacare.
Ah, so the Affordable Care Act is actually worse than the Holocaust.  I should've known when I went to Urgent Care for one of my cluster headaches and the doctor prescribed a 10 mg tablet of Zyklon-B, taken once a day at shower time.
This genocide was conducted not out of evil intent but born out of medical necessity. Hitler, in his official directives, allowing medical killing, called them “mercy killing” and “lives not worth living.”
Actually, Ellis, I think that any genocide, by definition, is born of evil intent, and that whole "medical necessity" business was just spin.  In any case, I wouldn't be inclined to take Hitler's word for anything, and if he tries to sell you his old Volkswagon, I'd suggest you double-check to make sure the heater works.
This is the inevitable diabolical nature of universal health care.
You know, if you've reached the point in life when you can no longer distinguish between such concepts as "requiring insurance companies to cover persons with pre-existing conditions" and "genocide," you really ought to get out of the business of right wing blogging and seriously think about running for a Congressional seat in Georgia.
Did Hitler do this because he was so worried about the health of the people and nations he conquered? No, Hitler loved universal health care so excessively that he forced it on occupied countries because it gave him the power and control over entire classes of people to facilitate his ghastly plans of genocide against them.
It's the same reason we don't execute the insane.  Not out of some misplaced sense of mercy, or an effeminate respect for global standards of decency, but because, if you're going to kill someone, you want them to be healthy enough to fully experience their own murder.  Otherwise, what's the point?  It's like when you're just on the point of orgasm, and your mom calls you from the other room, and you have to hastily stuff the Clare Boothe Luce Institute "Great American Conservative Women" calendar under the mattress (and right when you'd gotten to the Jan Brewer page, too!).
“We are five days away from fundamentally transforming the United States of America.” These were the words of treason Obama uttered on the eve of his election that he and his progressive minions have been now systematically implementing for almost six years.
Obama is a decent orator, but frankly, those aren't the most inspiring words of treason I've ever heard. Philip Nolan did it so much better.
Hitler would be pleased.
As history records, there is nothing that pleased the Führer more than the sight of a transformative Negro, unless it was semolina noodles in a light tomato sauce, with a nice rice pudding for dessert.
Since the Founders of America's Republic understood that humanity is by nature anti-God, hypocritical and duplicitous they created a system of checks and balances and limitations of government power because they realized someday a dictator like a Barack Obama would arise and seize power in the United States for himself by ignoring or deconstructing the U.S. Constitution.
The Founders were indeed farsighted, but not, alas, clairvoyant.  While Jefferson, for instance, correctly foresaw the day in which there would be a Black person in the White House, he assumed it'd be someone he was banging behind his wife's back.
Nazi Germany is the true birthplace, and Hitler, the real father of universal healthcare and like Lenincare, Stalincare, Maocare, Castrocare and Obamacare, all universal healthcare systems are derivative of Marxism, socialism, communism, progressivism, postmodernism and thus are antithetical to America's founding constitutional principles of God, the Bible, natural law, equality, liberty and truth.
Apparently the suffix "-care" now serves the same purpose for death as "-gate" does for scandal.  Was someone gunned down in a drive-by shooting?  He was a victim of GangCare.  Did she perish from tainted chicken that went uninspected thanks to the government shutdown?  Cause of death: e coliCare.  Run down by a drunk driver?  CarCare.
Like Hitlercare, Obamacare which will inevitably lead to healthcare rationing, death panels, millions of uninsured and eventually the systematic genocide of the weak, minorities, enfeebled, the elderly and political enemies of the God-state.
To be fair, that's still better service than I get from Blue Shield.
Obama is using his Gestapo and SS Stormtroppers or so-called "Navigators" (e.g., the youth, the unions, Planned Parenthood, NAACP, ACORN, La Raza, the Democratic Socialist Party apparatus, etc.) to propagandize the poor, the mis-educated and minorities who are being exploited to lead this final blitzkrieg towards accepting universal healthcare, but like in Hitler's Germany once the reality of their treachery metastasizes, guess who will be the first ones forced to sacrifice their lives for the Fatherland in our march towards a "perfect" society without illness or suffering? History has repeatedly demonstrated that the weakest and most vulnerable have often been the first victims to be eliminated.
Anyway, please join me in wishing Dr. BDH a very happy birthday, because thanks to ObamaCare he now has the power to kill us, but if we're really nice to him, he might kill us last.

Monday, October 7, 2013

What Do YOU, The Viewer At Home, Think?

Couple (okay, three) quick things:

1.  The Fabulous Stacia, of She Blogged By Night, has started another weekly movie serial recappin', and after the brutally funny Raiders of Ghost City and Phantom Creeps I wanted to give everyone a heads-up so you could get in on the ground floor, and not feel the way I did when someone told me -- midway through the third season -- that I should abruptly start watching Lost.  Particularly because this one, The Monster and the Ape, has it all -- a robot, a gorilla, George Macready (only one year away from his breakthrough role opposite Rita Hayworth and Glenn Ford in Gilda, and a mere 20 years away from his thoroughly brokenthrough role opposite George Nader and Richard Kiel in Human Duplicators), and an ingenue named Babs Arnold played by Carole Mathews, only 11 years before her starring turn as a catfightin' undercover cop opposite the ever-noirish Marie Windsor, the ever-delightful Beverly Garland, and the ever-Mannix Mike "Touch" Connors in Swamp Diamonds.

2.  I'm thinking of writing a piece for the upcoming Chaney Blogathon: Two Men, Thousands of Faces, and wanted to ask your advice.  Since I don't believe that Lon Chaney ever made a bad movie, (mostly because I've heard that just disbelieving things, without considering, or even hearing any evidence either way is the new time-saving alternative to the Scientific Method), I was wondering...what do you think is the absolute worst movie Lon Chaney, Jr. ever made?

3.  Finally, what do you think this means?

Personally, I think it's a rare candid photo from the early days of the Borg, when their assimilation equipment was pretty bare bones, and consisted mostly of a wearable ViewMaster augmented with twin shuttlecock tails, and topped with a scale model of the Flying Sub from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.

But I could be wrong.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Sundays With S.Z: The "Four Shetland Ponies of the Apocalypse" Edition

Originally published October 30, 2005.

Sunday Sermon

1.  Today's first message is brought to us by Dr. Mike S. Adams.  It's about the Orgasm Awareness Festival that will be held at UNC-Chapel Hill next month.  (The subtext is about how the feminists keep saying "orgasm, orgasm," thereby distressing his mighty sword.)
In case you haven't heard about this exciting event, it is focused on the female orgasm and dispelling myths about masturbation, sexuality, orgasm and other important topics.
[...]
Jessica Polka, an executive board member for the co-sponsor of the event, was recently quoted as saying that “We also have the goal of trying to work toward fighting the social stigma against female sexuality.” In other words, she wants college women to become whores without being ostracized.
Yup.  Only whores have orgasms.  Thanks, Dr. Mike, for that inspiring message.

2.  Our next speaker will be Pastor Swank, who brings the good news that "WHITE HOUSE NOT WEAKENED BY LIBBY INDICTMENT."
Of course, reasonable persons would have liked to have had a Friday without Vice President Dick Cheney’s top aide not indicted. But he has been.
Yes, and we reasonable people would also like to have a Friday without Vice President Dick Cheney not eating the hearts of Christian children.  But he has been.

But we shouldn't despair, for Pastor Swank brings us good news: there has been only one perfect person in the history of the world, and his name is George W. Bush.  And he lives!
The White House is strong because of US President George W. Bush. That’s what makes the Oval Office strong.

In each administration there is always the possibility that, with so many persons near the top echelon standing, that somebody is going to do something that should not be done. Mortals we all are, including those who circle in and around the White House.
Yes, those who circle in and around the White House are mere mortals -- however, the omnipotent being who resides in the White House, US President George W Bush, is wholly without sin, and he never, ever screws up!
So with the judicial process running its course, this is another situation hopefully being dealt with fairly. But it surely is not the demise of the White House. It does not weaken the presidency. It does not bring a blotch upon the character of Mr. Bush.
Nothing could bring a blotch upon the character of Mr. Bush, for truly he is the son of God!

3  Next, we'll hear from Hugh Hewitt, who has a piece in the Houston Chronicle called "Below-the-belt pundits KO'd Miers."
The center of the Miers opposition was National Review's blog, The Corner, and another blog, ConfirmThem.com, both with sharp-tongued, witty and relentless writers. They unleashed every argument they could find, and the pack that followed them could not be stopped. Even if a senator had a mind to urge hearings and a vote, he had to feel that it would call down on him the verbal wrath of the anti-Miers zealots.
Yes, how ever could we expect a U.S. senator to call for a vote on the Miers nomination, knowing that if he did so he would have to face the stinging mockery of Jonah Goldberg and pals! 

Anyway, Hugh's thesis is that "This triumph of the conservative punditocracy will have lasting consequences" -- and those consequence will probably be bad.  See, by failing to accept the President's choice, the Korner Kids have made it harder for future nominees, who "will face an instant and savage assault."  After all, if a "White House counsel with distinguished credentials was compared to Caligula's horse and Barney the dog on National Review's Web site," then who knows what kind of witty and relentless assault the next nominee will have to face?  It could even involve Star Trek references and insults stolen from The Simpsons!

So, the spiritual message you should take from the Christian Mr. Hewitt (author of such books as The Embarrassed Believer) is that the Corner is going to hell.

4.   Our last sermon is by  Linda Harvey, "president of Mission America, a pro-family organization which monitors homosexual activism, the occult and New Age influences on American youth."  It's called "Mom, apple pie, Halloween ... and the Christian parent," and it's about how Halloween was started by people who hate your mother.
Let's pretend your mom's name is Annie. Let's also pretend that in the small community where you grew up, back a few years, a handful of people decided they didn't like your mom. Didn't want her around. Even though she was probably the most loved, trusted, reliable, truthful woman in your community, certain people viewed this as a threat.
So they started a "Non-Annie Day."  It was a day when parties were organized – but your sweet mom was not invited. Gatherings of neighbors included food, fun, laughter – but never your mom. She was shunned, by design. 
Yes, Halloween is all about dissing your mother.

Now, let's pretend that your name is Homer.  Let's also pretend that in the small community where you grew up, people hated you.  Didn't want you around.  Because you were something of a stupid, annoying clod.  So they started a "No Homers Club."  You were shunned, by design.  

How does THAT make you feel?  I bet it makes you say, "Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?"  And that's the message we should give our children about Halloween.
Perhaps we deceive ourselves that Halloween will be winked at by the Almighty, that when we see Him, His response will certainly be, "Yes, you were right. It would have been wrong to deprive your children of candy at Halloween. That's the really important priority."
If we think that, we are idiots.  For in truth, His response will certainly be, "Everybody who celebrated a holiday that wasn't about me is going to Hell.  I hope you and your children enjoy your eternity of fire and brimstone!"
Halloween marks and highlights the forces of darkness. It's a showcase for mediums, fortune-telling, occult beliefs, to become more and more mysteriously appealing to uninformed children, all whilst they are surrounded in today's America by the lure of "magick." We're not in Kansas anymore. It's 21st-century America, where Christian parents lovingly hand their kids novels where the child hero is tutored in witchcraft. Hello?
Of course, if we really were still in Kansas, then Miss Gulch would have to keep her identity as a witch secret, and would have to content herself with stealing dogs for use in her ungodly ceremonies instead of kidnapping children and scaring them with hour glasses and mocking their aunties.  And that's the way God wants it. 

(Back in 20th-century America, Christian parents lovingly handed their kids movies where the child hero was tortured by a witch, evil trees, and flying monkeys.  Hello?)
Like a garden, children need two things: nourishment, and protection from destruction. To teach our children that their Creator and Savior deserves love, respect and sometimes, self-sacrifice, we should as parents be shutting our doors, boycotting the candy shelves and clearly showing our children that we are saying "No" to Halloween – because we say a constant and continuous "Yes" to God.

And that way, they will certainly want to join Satan's crappy club for jerks.