Saturday, November 30, 2013

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: It's A Slow Holiday Weekend Edition

RILEY:  I am...so...bored.

RILEY:  BORRRRRRED!

RILEY:  Let's see what the neighbors are doing...

RILEY:  Oh great...Hey, pal!  If I were you I wouldn't be so anxious to parade around naked in front of the windows and show the world my defective junk.  Look at that thing...Not even one lousy penile spine...

RILEY:  BORRRRRRED!

MOONDOGGIE:  I don't believe in boredom.

MOONDOGGIE:  I think if you're bored, then you're just not sleeping hard enough.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Turkey Day of the Living Dead!

If you're like me, and I know I am, you're still suffering separation anxiety from the annual Mystery Science Theater 3000 Turkey Day Marathon, even though that custom died out some time during the senescent phase of the 20th Century.  The good news is, everything old is new again, and just like anti-communist paranoia, Turkey Day has made an unexpected return.

Starting at noon Eastern, you can tune into Mst3kturkeyday.com, and watch a mini-marathon of six episodes, selected by fans and hosted by Joel Hodgson, who I imagine will be doing his impression of a baked Robert Osborne. Cool, huh?  I know what I'll be doing this Thanksgiving (since I don't cook and am not allowed in the kitchen on national holidays); assuming the live stream works, of course.  I'm willing to give the liberal elite a mulligan on healthcare.gov, but they'd better not screw this up.

Speaking of cooking -- by which I mean food, since I'm pretty sure even people who make meth for a living take Thanksgiving off (narcotraficantes may be savage, hot-tempered, and blood-thirsty, but they're generally not quite the same caliber of remorseless asshole as you'll find in the upper management tiers of Wal-Mart) -- what are you guys doing for the holiday?

This about sums up our plans...


Mary's actually a gifted cook and really wanted to put on a traditional Thanksgiving feast, but when you've spent the last ten years of your life writing for a blog called World O' Crap, you really can't say No to a Sack O' Sauce in a Can O' Meat, now can you?

Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: That's Our Swank!

Originally published May 24, 2006

Or so says Noel at “Newsbusters,” which is so agog about Google News’ “censorship”of a few wingnut sites that we fear it may succumb to apoplexy.
And while this blog isn’t all that agog to learn about Google “capriciously terminating its relationship with [the]conservative e-zines and web journals” New Media JournalThe Jawa Report, and MichNews.com for “promoting hate speech viewpoints” in regard to Islam, we were slightly bemused when we heard that somebody at Google had to actually read their stuff.
Here’s more on this important story from WorldNetDaily, viaTownhall:
Search engine giant Google has cut off its news relationship with a number of online news publications that include frank discussions of radical Islam ? the New Media Journal becoming the latest termination, as its owner just discovered.
Rusty Shackleford, owner of The Jawa Report, received a similar e-mail message March 29 informing him: “Upon recent review, we’ve found that your site contains hate speech, and we will no longer be including it in Google News.”
Two weeks later, Jim Sesi’s MichNews.com was cut off, with Google providing three examples of “hate speech” by conservative writer J. Grant Swank, Jr.
So, never underestimate the power of the Swank!
BTW, you can find the Swanster’s latest via Google News at such fine wingnut sites as The Post Chronicle (see, for example, “Anglicans Criticize Madonna Cross . . .”) and NewsByUs (“666! : Senate Votes on Homosexual Nuptials on 6-6-06“). So, your Swank fix is still available whenever you get to jonsing for some of that sweet, sweet prose.
But, if you’re like me, you want to know what the Pastor has to say about the most vital issue of our times, the new Tom Hanks’ movie and the novel it was based on. Therefore, allow me to present part of Pastor Swank’s seminal work, END TIMES DEVIL ATTACK AGAINST JESUS: DA VINCI CODE:
Dan Brown’s DA VINCI CODE presents Jesus as merely human, not divine.
This is another attack against the coming Christ. It comes from the devil.
Take that, Opie!
I could not help but conclude that with such good-news headway via Mel Gibson’s “The Passion,” the devil could not sit for long until he would blast thinkers with hell’s definition of Jesus. So there comes DA VINCI CODE making Jesus out to be “just one of us.”
That darn devil, always trying to best God’s box office!
Anyway, speaking of the DaVinci Code, David E. proposes another one of our popular* contest!
I’ve been told that the movie posits a particular person who is the
descendant of Jesus — but I don’t know who, as that wasn’t an element
of the book, which I shamefully did read.
So that could be a fun contest: who would be the funniest person to
claim is the descendant of Jesus? Jackie Mason? Bill O’Reilly?
Possibilities are endless.
They certainly are, David! So send in your entries today!
But to get back to what the blogger are all agog about, here’s more from Newsbuster Noel:
What will the next subject be that serves as a catalyst for Google to promote their unique brand of corporate censorship? Which website will be the next to have it’s Internet presence diminished at the hands of Google’s ?progressive? ideological agenda? WorldNetDaily? JihadWatch? NewsMax??
Not NewsMax!!! Dear God, not NewsMax! For if they are removed from Google News, wherever will we learn about “Men, Hate Rejection? Women Will Approach You First”?
Yet, maybe the wisest insight came from Nathan Tabor at The Conservative Voice: ?Google ALGORithms and AL GORE. The left-wing version of Internet symmetry??
Yeah, Nathan had the wisest insight. I think he said it all.
P.S. While writing this post, I had to wash 2 dogs (they discovered the joy of rolling in mud, and managed to be covered in clay from literally nose to tail, top to bottom), and had a computer die (I think it was the power supply again — I had to finish this on my antiquated computer in my basement that runs on kerosine and AOL 4.0). So, I learned that one disparages Swank at one’s peril!
In any case, start coming up with your ideas for the “Who is Descended from Jesus” contest.
*Popular, in that I like them, in that they force YOU to do the actual work, and they involve no actual judging, no prizes, and no acclaim.
[Note from Scott:  Below the fold I'm including the 57 comments this post originally attracted (oh, those were the days!).  Check it out, and you'll see many old, but not forgotten friends and maybe, just maybe, you'll even find...yourself!  I hope it's a pleasant discovery, and not like rooting around in the basement, looking for jumper cables, when you accidentally overturn a stack of old McCall's magazines and uncover a yellowed Polaroid of yourself hoisting a lukewarm can of Hamm's beer while sporting feathered hair, Chic Jeans, a screen-printed Qiana shirt open to the sternum, and a smile that says, "I've never looked better."]

Thursday, November 21, 2013

More Spam Than The Hawaiian Islands!

I apologize for the lack of posts lately.  I've been working on a (slightly) paying assignment, while my L5 disc has been working its way out of my spine, so I've had to ration my time at the computer.  Naturally  I blame this on the failure of healthcare.gov, but then I also blame the Plague of Justinian, and the 1495 syphilis outbreak in Naples on slow website load times.  (I've always said -- and I believe most historians of the Renaissance will back me up on this -- that if only Neapolitan mercenaries had enjoyed zippier access to Pornhub or X-tube, a lot less of them would've come down with the French Disease.)

Anyway, this isn't a real post, but I don't like to leave the word "Dildo" at the top of the page for more than a week, because it tends to attract spam the way a blue serge suit collects lint.  Speaking of which (spam, not lint), while cleaning out my mailbox I came across another heartfelt plea from a moribund millionaire (who knew so many of the 1% were withering on the vine -- is there no end to Obama's healthcare fails??) and thought I'd better reply to my plutocratic pen pal quickly, before the Angel of Death showed up and started shoving him through the eye of a needle.
Dearly Beloved
We are gathered here today 2 get through this thing called Life.
This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met.
Actually, I prefer it that way.  I like to drag out the catfishing as long as possible.
 Firstly, I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pain.
What!  You're the worst mail order dominatrix ever!
 My name is Mr.Richard Atherton, a European merchant. 
I'm just going to assume, based on your self description, that you're gadding about in a brocaded cloak and Elizabethan neck ruffle.
I have been diagnosed with Prostate and Esophageal cancer that was discovered very late due to lack of caring for my health.
If you came down with simultaneous ass and mouth cancer, I'm going to guess it had less to do with skipped wellness visits, and more to do with your middle position in the Human Centipede.
 It has defiled all form of medicine
Really?  All forms?  How the hell did your prostate manage to taint my Tums?  Wait...I don't want to know...
...and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business.Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
At least, that's what the three ghosts who visited you on Christmas Eve said.
I use to say to my self that if God should give me a second chance I would live differently from how I have lived. I was meditating on my hospital bed and something told me that God is giving me a second chance by keeping me alive though doctors said I won’t last long.
Yeah, that sound less like God giving you a second chance and more like a cat toying with a lizard before it bites off its head.
Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be content with what I have left for them.
Maybe I'm just naturally suspicious, but if the only thing keeping me alive was my doctors, I wouldn't be in a real big hurry to tell them about the large bequest they'll be receiving as soon as I die.
The last of my money which is a huge cash deposit that I have with a security firm will be put in your care if only you will agree and are capable of seeing this through.
Actually, I'm kind of a quitter.
 I want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations of your choice and let them know that it is I Richard Atherton that is making this generous donation.
Again, I know myself, and even if some of your huge cash deposit makes it to the Zimbabwe Rotary Club, or the Save The Monkfish people, I'll probably succumb to my natural childishness and tell 'em the donation came from Hugh Jass, or I. P. Freely.
 I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. I pray for you to support and assist me with a good heart.
"In the meantime, I will meditate upon my mortality while farting around at Webkinz."
 I hope we can build a relationship based on trust because I want to do this by all means possible before I die.
Hey, I understand, tiger, believe me. Unfortunately, I'm married and have a bad back, and I suspect your mouth and ass cancer are going to limit at least a few of those possibilities.
Be blessed my beloved,
Mr.Richard Atherton
Same to you, Dick!
Be there. Aloha.

Friday, November 15, 2013

And James O'Keefe as "Dildo" Your Yeoman Purser

John Fund is a serious, serious man.  True, his bio describes him as an "American political journalist and conservative columnist," which means he's a "journalist" in the same way Ronald McDonald is a "clown" -- he's not, but he plays one on TV.  Also, he's "currently the national-affairs columnist for National Review Online," which is like being the one sort of smart guy in the slob fraternity -- the Hoover, say, to Jonah Goldberg's Flounder.  Prior to that, he spent twenty years writing for The Wall Street Journal, which I'm not really familiar with, but it's owned by Rupert Murdoch so it's probably safe to assume it's a guttersniping scandal rag with tits on page 3.

Among Fund's known associates are alleged sex tourist and admitted drug addict Rush Limbaugh, with whom Fund wrote a book, presumably a guide to the best drugs to take when visiting a Dominican joy house; and Hans von Spakovsky, who I'm just going to assume is a James Bond villain.  Finally, and most alarmingly, he's a senior editor at The American Spectator, which, judging by the title, is some kind of trade journal for voyeurs.  (I guess I could have actually looked some of these people and publications up, but John's article is a puff piece for James "Love Boat" O'Keefe's latest video expose, and if there's one thing I've learned from O'Keefe, it's that facts merely fuck up a good story.)

Anyway, even if John Fund's professional credentials are largely self-refuting, and he runs with a disreputable crowd of idiots, fabulists, and sociopaths, you can't deny that he has serious hair.  As Melanie Griffith's character Tess says in Working Girl, "You wanna be taken seriously, you need serious hair" and John Fund has taken that lesson to heart and to head.  He's got the kind of hair that would have graced an ad for The Dry Look in 1972, when Gillette was trying to persuade hopelessly square Greg Marmalard types to give up that greasy kid stuff in favor of the more natural stiffness of hair spray, the kind of cautious, One Step Beyond Brylcream 'do that makes him look like the third hippest aide to Bob Haldeman.
The Truth about Navigators: James O’Keefe reveals corruption at the heart of the president’s signature program. 
James O’Keefe, the guerrilla videographer who helped bring down ACORN (the “community organizing” group that Barack Obama worked for as a lawyer and trainer) and got NPR’s president fired, is back.
James O'Keefe is a "guerrilla videographer" in the same way the Contras were "guerrilla freedom fighters," in that they've both received money under suspicious circumstances from shadowy right wing figures.  I hear they also shop for Double-Header Jelly Dildos at the No Exit Only Outlet Mall in Sartreville, Arkansas.
This time, his undercover investigators focused on Obamacare’s “navigators,” the nearly 50,000 people who, in the words of the Department of Health and Human Services, “will serve as an in-person resource for Americans who want additional assistance in shopping for and enrolling in plans” on the Obamacare exchanges (at least when they’re finally working). The total value of grants doled out for nonprofits and community organizations to hire navigators has topped $67 million nationwide, and some of the money is going to a group run by ACORN’s highly controversial founder.
Why is ACORN's founder so highly controversial?  Well, it turns out that despite being history's greatest monster, he's spent less time in jail than James O'Keefe (known to the boys in Cellblock B as "O-Face").
The events of O’Keefe’s video of a Texas navigator site run by the National Urban League are a familiar sight to viewers of his past efforts exposing Medicaid and voter fraud. Government-paid workers supposedly trained to uphold the law advise clients on how to lie on government forms, evade legal requirements, and ignore proper procedures.
If you wanted to lie for a living, Miss Government-paid Worker, you should have invested in a spy cam and a copy of Final Cut Pro (sure, they're pricey, but poor people have too many luxuries nowadays anyway -- TVs, cell phones, souls -- and you could easily finance your guerrilla videography start-up by selling the latter to Andrew Breitbart.  Or at least you could have, before he was transferred to the Home Office).
“You lie because your premiums will be higher,” one navigator advises an investigator for O’Keefe’s Project Veritas, who tells the worker he sometimes smokes. “Don’t tell them that. Don’t tell ’em.”
Judging by the history of O'Keefe's little scoops -- such as his creatively edited NPR hoax -- the navigator's words were likely uttered in response to some entirely different statement, and then carefully and deceitfully dubbed elsewhere to create an incriminating context.  Unfortunately, I don't have access to the raw video from Jimmy's latest mixtape, but I'm going to guess that the provocateur said something like, "I know insurance agents ask a lot of personal questions, and I know it's important to be honest, but I'm wondering...just how honest?  Should I tell them my hopes and dreams?  My deepest fears?  My secret ambition to be on Iron Chef with an ingredient only I know how to cook?"
"A good Bone-In Rectum is more tender and flavorful, of course, but legally problematic, as that's also the title of a 1982 feature film from Man-Chest Motion Pictures.  But I've been experimenting in my kitchen day and night, until now I can turn out a delicious boneless pork rectum using nothing but a Crème brûlée torch and a speculum.  I should just be up-front about that, right?"
There’s much more in the video, which O’Keefe hints will not be his last. Left unexplored is how so many navigators nationwide were hired without any background checks required.
They probably lied to conceal their real plan to help poor people sign up for health insurance by saying they just wanted to buy a gun.
 While Texas and some other states have passed requirements of their own, the absence of such checks at the federal level was acknowledged by HHS secretary Kathleen Sebelius last week. She was asked by Texas senator John Cornyn if “a convicted felon could be a navigator and could acquire sensitive personal information from an individual unbeknownst to them.” 
“It’s possible,” was Secretary Sebelius’s less-than-comforting reply.
Anything's possible, I suppose.  If you wanted to go all nutty, worst-case-scenario, you could imagine some weird dystopia where an admitted rapist is elected to a state legislature and allowed to carry a concealed firearm, but that's crazy enough that you'd probably have to subcontract the job to Anthony Burgess.
Michael Astrue served as commissioner of Social Security until earlier this year, and in the 1990s served as general counsel for HHS. He wrote in The Weekly Standard last month that he is genuinely frightened of the lax security surrounding the Obamacare website, and the fact that navigators will access the federal data hub to help people enroll:
HHS opened the door to large-scale fraud by providing funding for tens of thousands of “navigators”—people who are supposed to persuade the uninsured to apply for coverage and then assist them in the application process. Instead of hiring well-screened, well-trained, and well-supervised workers, HHS decided to build political support for the Affordable Care Act by pouring money into supportive organizations so they could launch poorly trained workers into their communities without obtaining criminal background checks or creating systems for monitoring their activities.
Yeah, why didn't they just hire people already well-trained in a heretofore non-existent program?  There must have been some previously vetted professional Navigators with high level security clearances available for temporary, low-paying jobs telling people how to look up insurance plans.  I myself don't have all those qualifications, but I did take a night class in "Mastering Netscape Navigator" in junior college, so I'm more than a little hurt that Health and Human Services didn't head-hunt me.
As a practical matter, these navigators are unaccountable
They're loose cannons who don't play by the rules!...while explaining another, more complex set of rules involving deductibles and subsidies. I dunno about you, but I smell a four-quadrant tentpole summer action franchise!
It will not take long for navigators to become predators, and HHS has no plan to deal with the new breed of predators it is creating.
Well, whatever plan they develop, I just hope it doesn't involve using Aliens to deal with the Predators...
...because frankly they're crappy project managers.  They set unclear goals, have poor follow-through, and half the time their team-building exercises involve laying eggs in your chest.
Last Friday, the Washington Post ran a piece by Ed Rogers, a former top deputy in the 1988 George H. W. Bush campaign, entitled “Six Reasons Obamacare Will Get Worse for Democrats.” One reason leaps out:
Navigators. If you liked ACORN, you’ll love the Obamacare Navigators.
I thank Ed for clearing up my lingering confusion.  I thought Navigators were contract workers hired to help vulnerable Americans understand their rights under a new program, in the face of a ubiquitous disinformation campaign funded by a cabal of right-wing billionaires, when in reality they're just another impostor fragrance.

I’m sure there will be good, sincere people who really want to help people navigate the Obamacare maze.
Fortunately, we've got Young Jimmy Olsen O'Keefe to smear the crap out of them.
The law’s problems are coming from more sides than a pentadecagon. 
The Pentadecagon, as you probably know, recently replaced the Pentacle as the logo for Koch Industries, because David and Charles were afraid people might be catching on.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Dear Wally

You may remember World O' Crap Mystery Correspondent "Wally" from this post on alleged lifeform Ted Nugent.  Well, he's back (Wally, that is, not Ted), this time with an advice column, which we're hoping will become a regular feature around here because frankly, the Washington Post's Carolyn Hax just ain't cutting it.
Dear Wally,

I'm having a heck of a time personalizing and organizing the personal organization apps on my smartphone.

I'm also having problems with “butt-dialing” people with whom I'm not acquainted.

What would you suggest?

TIA,
Gobsmaked in Galveston

Dear Gobsmaked,

I suggest you check the yellow pages for assisted living facilities near you specializing in focused care for the technically spare. You'll be doing yourself and your friends (not to mention wrong numbers) a big favor.

Tough it out son,
“The Wall”

Dear Wally,

My doctor prescribed a new antidepressant a month ago and I've been feeling terrific. 

My problem – I feel so enlightened that at times feel guilty at work or at home. Everyone, including my wife and kids seems to act like they are sedated.

What do you think?
Elevated in Elk Grove

Dear Elevated,

You most likely grew up in an environment that instilled guilt for feeling good about feeling good about yourself. 

Wally suggests you travel to the nearest red-light district in a metropolitan area nearby. Seek out a scummy dive bar, belly up and get stinking pissed. After you are rolled by prostitutes and wake up in a ditch with no money, no watch and an Anacin anvil pounding your head you will feel quintessentially horrible. As a result you will fit in more at home with your family and also with co-workers.

Don't forget to double-up on the dose of your antidepressant before venturing out as it will provide a more energizing motif to your adventure.

Adios,
Wally-O

Dear Wally,

I've had a microchip installed in my brain by Darrel F. Zanuck since the mid-seventies. Since then I've been living on people's door-stoops and begging for food. 

I'm getting tired of being homeless. That's why I'm writing to you, Wally. I know you can help. 

Yours Truly,
Fubar in Flemington

Dear Fubar,

Is your microchip equipped with TC/ICP and internet access? There are plenty of public spaces equipped with wi-fi in Flemington and surely you could take advantage of technology to get you pointed to a comeback situation. 

Just stay on the bus until you hit the sweet spots. The microchip ought to vibrate somewhat if you hit a resonant frequency. Wally knows, my chip was installed back in the late 50s.

Cognitively yours,
Cleaver's first born

Wally wants to help. Send your questions to “WallyRollsOnShabbos@gmail.com” and clearly state your question in the subject line.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Sunday's With S.Z.: A Hank O' Swank

Originally published January 16, 2006.

SwanNews

 
Well, it was bound to happen eventually -- the Brits have stolen Pastor Swank!

It all started with the Pastor's column of Jan 6, "Tom Cruise Markets The Cult Of Scientology." It was about how the devil uses Scientology to bring souls to Hubbard. (Sure, this is old news to us, but it was a revelation to the European secularists, since they haven't maintained the old tradition of fire 'n brimstone preachers like we have). Anyway, in this column the Pastor said a lot of goofy stuff, including the following:

Satan takes all praise and glory from Redeemer Christ for all honor and esteem granted Hubbard and his wild spheres of inner ascendancy. Hubbard, in other words, espouses the teachings of Satan as Lucifer - the Angel of Light. Hubbard presents the evil one as the gospel of the inner understanding.

Satan appears in gross state in order to lead mortals astray, away from Savior Christ.

[...]
Cruise, like many other famous individuals, particularly actors, furthers the cult of Scientology as Satan uses this means by which to direct eternal souls away from Christ to Hubbard.
And some British entertainment writers took this to mean that the Pastor was saying that Tom Cruise works for the devil (which was indeed what the Pastor was saying, but, you know, he also mentioned how Tom was leading Katie Holmes to hell too).

First to notice Pastor Swank seemed to be Entertainmentwise, a UK site which posted an item entitled "Is Tom Cruise Doing Satan's Work? Pastor Takes Us Back to the 19th Century." They said:
Now we know that Tom Cruise is a little crazy and maybe slightly evil (check that grin) but not one of Satan’s little helpers surely? 
Pastor J. Grant Swank Jr has written on the PostChronicle website: [...] “Cruise, like many other famous individuals, particularly actors, furthers the cult of Scientology as Satan uses this means by which to direct eternal souls away from Christ to Hubbard.” 
Harsh….He will be suggesting that they all be burned next...
Then, the next day, the British entertainment site Hecklespay posted a piece called "Tom Cruise Loves Katie Holmes (Not Allegedly) And The Devil (Allegedly)." Here's the first part of it:
Anyone remember the long-horned red-skinned bad guy Tom Cruise had to fight in the very old fairy-infused movie Legend? If not, we'll fill you in: it was basically the devil, and he wanted to kill all the unicorns, even the good ones.
He was no gentleman, that devil. And it seems that before he was defeated by sunlight reflected off of several shields (remember that should you ever find yourself at the wrong end of a fiery pitchfork), he got his long black claws into Tom Cruise.  
Or so claims one American pastor anyway. And when was the last time an American pastor lied to us?  Now that we see only truth can usually flow through those holy lips... one of them is saying that Tom Cruise serves Beelzebub!
The writer of the piece, Shawn Lindseth, seemed to really take a shine to Pastor Swank, serving up some of his quotes on other subjects, such as stem cell research, Muslims, and Jessica Simpson. 

The UK news site Spotlighting News also made note of the Pastor's claims about Cruise and the devil, as did the Long Island, NY Press column Crispin's Showbiz Shredder.

I think you know what this means.


Yes, Pastor Swank is going to be hired by US WeeklyPeople, or one of the British tabloids (which one features the boobs o' the day?  I think he'd do well at that one) to write celebrity news -- and we'll be Swankless.

So, let's enjoy him while we can. 
Yeah, apparently the Pastor didn't read TBogg's "Cellphones of Mass Destruction" or Crooks and Liars' "We’re all (Paranoid, Imbalanced) Homeland Security Agents now."  He had a column to write, and couldn't be bothered to do any fact checking -- so sue him! (And sue Michelle Malkin while you're at it.)
Not everybody uses a cell phone to chat with a friend. Some buy a cell phone to blow up a building.
And some buy a cell phone to keep in touch with overseas relatives.  And some others buy a cell phone to destroy Western civilization.  Cell phones are versatile that way.
That's why US President George W. Bush is surveying the country for those who ill-use legitimate items.
So if you are ill-using legitmate items like, say, hand lotion and the Victoria's Secret catalog, then beware!  President Bush is surveying the country for you!
He wants to protect the nation from Islamic killers international, otherwise known as "militantS" or "terrorists" or "insurgents." But in this article, they are called who they are-Muslim murderers global.
Sure, some folks call them "Islamic killers international," but let's refer to them as "Muslim murders global," because those people who use that first term are just plain crazy!
In Amerca, various retailers have contacted police when noting large quantities of cell phones bought at one sweep by one gent or several gents with sloped shoulders in a subtle "sabotage mode."
Sloped shoulders mean that a person is in "sabotage mode"?  Gee, the things you learn in a Swank column! 
No wonder Mr. Bush and colleagues speak in code language to the American public when it comes to outwitting the enemy.
So, when the President said that "we illegalized whisky," he was using code language to outwit the enemy? Now I get it!
Then the Democrats climb into the act to accuse the President of being irreponsible and uncaring. So once again the Democrats give the enemy the shove forward.
The Democrats accuse the President of being uncaring because he speaks in code?  The Bastards! 

(Oh, and shoving the enemy sounds like a good thing, but I guess since the Democrats did it, it isn't.)

Anyway, because Muslims are buying cell phones, it's time for drastic action -- we need to jail or deport them, to keep them from buying products which can be mis-used to blow up stuff.   But first, we need to execute MacGyver, as an example to the all product mis-users.
In other words, Muslim murderers global are on the take in the United States. It will never again be living per usual. It is henceforth confronting the enemy and jailing him or deporting him. That's why all the more no more Muslims enter the country; those Muslims here must be investigated-including the white collar workers such as professors.  
And that's basically it for this column.  But be sure to join Pastor Swank next time, when his NY Post column gives us the scoop on how Angelina and Brad's womb baby is part of Satan's plan to make Jennifer Aniston feel bad, and how Elton John's homo nups were designed to aid the Murderers Muslim Global to destroy our Judeo-Christian faith in Christmas.

5:39:50 AM 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

How Much Is That Kidney In The Window...?

Thanks to severe sinus irritation due to allergies, I've been advised by competent medical authorities to seek out a dry, barren, lifeless environment, such as the high desert, or John Stossel's conscience.  And since one of those doesn't require springing for gas, what say we pay a little attention to that man behind the mustache...?
The market is fine for some things, people will say, but other activities are too important to be left to the market. Or too complicated. Or too fundamental to our democracy. 
I say: Privatize everything.
The problem with selling the privatization of government functions, such as Social Security, is that up till now it's been done on a piecemeal basis, allowing opponents time to marshal effective counter-arguments.  But if we privatize everything all at once, the public will either be too overwhelmed to organize, or -- thanks to privately owned media -- they'll never even hear about it.  And by the time they realize their Social Security checks are now available only in the form of ATM cards that charge $4.50 per transaction, with a $25.00 shipping and handling fee, it'll be too late, since the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau will have been turned into upscale condos.  Of course, the proles might get a little restless, but thanks to competition, every conservative billionaire will be able to afford his own private District Attorneys Office, individual Police Department, and Personal Pan Pentagon.
To some of you, that will sound callous -- but failure to privatize services, keeping them in government hands instead, is what impoverishes and kills people. Nothing compassionate about that.
As John has already proven through geometric logic and the sinuous, hula-like language of his undulating mustache, getting rid of the FDAUSDA food inspectors, and seat belts will save thousands of worthless lives (but valuable livers) a year!
Take organ donations.
Why do I suspect that when Stossel got to the end of the movie and heard Charlton Heston bellow, "Soylent Green is people!" he didn't think, "Twist ending," he thought, "Sound business plan!"
Regulations forbid buying and selling organs, so the market cannot operate. 
Personally, I'd rather have a surgeon operate, if for no other reason that it must be really difficult to get a rubber glove onto an invisible hand.
Desperate patients must wait and hope someone gives out of sheer generosity
But I thought countries with strong market economies like the U.S. already gave more to charity than European-style social welfare states?  Are you implying that the inherent generosity of the American People is not operating as advertised?  This comes as a huge disappointment, John, especially after I gave two months' worth of stool samples to our local church's Fecal Transplant Drive.
that someone dies at just the right time, and that hospital administrators bump their case to the top of the list.
The implication here seems to be that hospital administrators are fascistic bureaucrats, whereas in a perfectly privatized paradise (and following a temporary dictatorship of the bourgeoisie) hospital administrations will simply wither away.
In the U.S., 100,000 people are on waiting lists for kidneys. Kidneys make up 80 percent of the organ shortage. We have two kidneys but only need one. 
Not on St. Patrick's Day.
Donors could save many lives, but not enough choose to donate. By contrast, in Iran, there's often a waiting line of willing donors . That's because in Iran, it's legal to sell organs. It's the rare thing that Iran does right.
I've always thought that A Modest Proposal is the Randian version of that Twilight Zone episode, "To Serve Man" -- guys like Stossel get to the end and are shocked to discover: "It's not a cookbook!"
People still buy and sell organs even when it's illegal, but, as is so often the case, the black market produces horrors that are unlikely to occur when people can trade in the open.
I can see how that argument would work for something like medical marijuana, but not so much for organ harvesting, if only because nobody's likely to wake up in an ice-filled bathtub in Mexico and find a note telling them, "Get yourself to the hospital. We took your dime bag of East Coast Sour Diesel."
 So we get headlines like "Girl smuggled into Britain to have her 'organs harvested'" and "Chinese boy, 6, has eyes gouged out for organ transplant black market."
I must respectfully disagree, John. We don't get headlines like that because the free market doesn't allow people to sell their organs, we get them because the free market allows Rupert Murdoch to publish newspapers.
Surely, it is better if organ exchanges -- like any other exchanges -- take place voluntarily.
So I take it you'd support Obamacare if the state health insurance exchanges also allowed the sale of human organs, perhaps through some sort of eBay plugin, or a Woot! daily special?
Bioethicist Sigrid Fry-Revere, founder of the Center for Ethical Solutions, went to Iran to meet organ sellers and buyers.
Dude, she scored me a totally sweet pancreas!  But then she got busted at the border, and now she's going all Midnight Express in a Turkish prison.  I visited her a couple times, tried to cheer her up, but she just kept making me rub my nipples on the glass.
After, she told of people like "an apprentice who needed the money to start his own shop ... He had his own shop now. He gave his kidney to a 15 year-old girl, who is going to school and doing well. He checks in regularly with her mother because it gives him such a lift to hear that the girl is doing fine."
Well, he sold his kidney to a 15 year-old girl, which makes me wonder what she'd originally earmarked that money for.  Maybe college, although if she's anything like me, she was probably saving up to buy her neighbor's 1970 Plymouth Duster.
Fry-Revere says organ trading in Iran is much like open adoption in the U.S.: The two parties can decide whether to visit and get to know each other. Other times, the donation is anonymous. Both are much better than kidnapping and eye-gouging.
Okay, but why are you calling it a "donation" if the organs are sold?  For that matter, why are you comparing the organ market to adoption, unless the next step is legalizing the sale of babies (presumably for parts)?
In America, we let people sell blood. And sperm. And eggs. Why not kidneys?
In Britain that makes a complete breakfast.
 Why do politicians recoil at the idea of a legal market? Fry-Revere says, "I think it's just, old habits die hard."
And so do guys who don't want to sell their organs, and who continue to balk even after the privatized City Council has condemned their kidneys through Eminent Domain.
There are all sorts of services that people think the market can't handle. It's like they have some sort of mental block.
Or some sort of...memory.
 President Obama says that without government, we can't put out fires. But almost half the people government pays to fight wildfires work for private companies. In parts of America, private companies also put out house fires. They get to the fire sooner.
And stand around, watching it burn, while you argue with the Billing Department about the status of your account.
Markets aren't perfect, but they allow for a world where prudence is rewarded and sloth punished
I can see why people who have more disposable income than kidneys could benefit from such a system, but it seems like the sloths are getting kind of a raw deal.  Unless of course they're into pain and humiliation, since Stossel thinks we should be free to pay for that, too.
Punish me, Mistress!  Please!  I've been a b-a-a-a-d sloth!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Serve The Sacramental Martinis, Father

I saw this billboard on Sunset Boulevard the other day...
At first I thought it said, "Talleluia!", and assumed someone in Hollywood had finally gotten around to founding a faith that worshipped Tallulah Bankhead...

...but apparently it's just a cross turning into a flock of pigeons, one of whom crapped on me, so Jesus hates me, this I know, because avian ejecta tells me so....

Sorry for the absence.  There's certainly no shortage of stupid in the Series of Tubes today, so assuming the drugs kick in on schedule, I should be back with something for you guys by this afternoon.  But I'm just warning you now...it won't be pretty.  Unlike Tallulah.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Spanning the Globe...

Or at least clicking on our blogroll...

After pulling some marathon sessions to meet a deadline, my spine has crumbled into dust, the way vampires do when exposed to sunlight, except the suave undead usually leave behind an empty suit of evening clothes, perhaps an opera cape and a collapsible top hat, while my pile of dust is wearing a ratty old plaid bathrobe.  Anyway, I'm going to self-medicate and go lie down.

On the bright side, Stacia has posted Chapter Four of The Monster and the Ape at She Blogged By Night, while over at our precocious blog spawn, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear, the indefatigable Ivan is celebrating his tenth anniversary (according to Emily Post, for ten year old classic film blogs the proper gift is an improperly sealed, slightly rusty canister of highly volatile silver nitrate film stock).  Drop by and wish him well.

I'll be back later this evening.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Happy ChrisVmas!

Oh, crap!...the birthday post is late!

I hope everyone got some good candy last night, and has sufficiently recovered from the resulting diabetic coma to join me in wishing a very happy birthday to local Renaissance man, Chris Vosburg.  Yes, our old friend Chris is a man of many parts, some which can only be seen with the help of Lindberg's Transparent Man, the world's grossest action figure.
Engineer.  Musician.  And more...
I was a graphic artist back in the seventies and actually sold prints in galleries and stuff. I made a gift of works to family and friends at christmas (limited editions, all numbered and signed, and everything) and oh my dear god, my sister cleaned out her garage, and unearthed three from the era.
the above, if hung in a gallery, would be identified as Serigraph, Enamel over Silver Nitrate on Glass. By way of education, Silver Nitrate is mixed with Ammonium Hydrochloride and sprayed on glass to make mirrors, which is what you're looking at above (the parts that aren't red, black, white or blue). This on also shows off a screen printer's trick of laying one color into another. You lay two colors next to each other in the screen and run the squeegee back and forth to mix the colors (the blue and white horizon above).
...Guest columnist.  Dutch Rock Band authority, Crime Scene Investigatorspace flight enthusiast, fancier of female character actors and purveyor of fine Hollywood trivia to Her Majesty since 1785, and, of course, expert Perry Mason witness who is often called upon to testify on the "Paul Drake Effect."  He's also a bit of a radical, bit of a hippie, bit of an Alinskyite com-symp, but one who keeps us honest.  For instance, when Sheri and I first launched the old world-o-crap.com domain and immediately tried to cash in by selling a Wo'C theme mug, Chris -- more in sorrow than in anger -- stood up and reminded us of our roots:
Scott and s., wow, man, you guys have like totally sold out, man.
It used to be about the crap, man.
The crap!
Chris is also a fellow denizen of Hollywood and a meatspace drinking buddy, and I was hoping to make it down to his local to buy him a tipple or two tonight, but my back is out again, thanks to a...well, let's just say it was a Moondoggie related program activity, and leave it at that.  But I'm looking to you,  yes YOU, the World O' Crap reader, to pick up the slack.  Or at least pick up a drink, and hoist it in Chris's honor.

(Also, while we're on the subject, thanks for the many kind birthday greetings you guys pitched my way.  I was touched deeply.  Or at least, subcutaneously.)

And speaking of skin, here's a little cheesecake soufflé courtesy of Allison Hayes, another of the hard-workin' B-movie B-girls Chris admires:

Merry ChrisVmas to all, and to all a good night!