Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Happy Birthday, MaryC! By Bill S!

Today marks the birthday of World O'Crap's own MaryC. According to the Internet Movie Database, she shares her birthday with such luminaries as Tennessee Williams, Leonard Nimoy, Diana Ross, Jennifer Grey, Steven Tyler, Vicki Lawrence, James Caan, Teddy Pendergrass, Bob Elliott and Martin Short. But this year, the IMDb's top-ranking celebrity with a March 26th birthday is hunky actor-singer Jonathan Groff.
Groff's high ranking is no doubt the result of his role in the hit animated feature Frozen, which, according to Pastor Kevin Swanson, was produced by Satan to turn children gay.  Kevin swears he's not a "tin foil hat conspiratorialist," and I think he's telling the truth. The twisted logic required to make that leap makes him more of a conspiratortionist (I know that's not a real word, but it sounds like it should be one, doesn't it?)

As always, finding that special gift for a special lady (and a very exciting girl) isn't easy, so once again, I turn to the ever reliable Carol Wright Gifts. (And by "reliable," I mean it offers items that no one else would ever imagine as suitable gift ideas. Unless you feel like saying "I love you" by giving someone a product for treating toenail fungus.) What can I get her this year?

AIR CURLER "As seen on TV" ($14.99): "Create a head full of soft curls and dry your hair in seconds with the Air Curler. This easy-to-use styling tool twirls perfect tangle-free curls with most hair dryers. Simply attach it to your hair dryer's nozzle, place a section of hair into the Air Curler and blow dry."
One Girl, One Cup

Yes, I'm sure setting a clump of wet hair into a plastic cup dangling below the nozzle of a hair dryer will curl your hair perfectly in a matter of seconds. 

HANDY TOILET TISSUE HOLDER Holds Up To Five Rolls (Why pay $19.99? Ours only $9.99): "Keep toilet tissue at hand and out of sight with this discreet toilet tissue caddy. With a beautifully embossed, long-stem rose motif, it provides convenient sanitary storage for up to five standard-size rolls. A tight-fitting lid keeps toilet tissue dry and dust free."
Because what's more handy when doing your business than wrestling a lid off a plastic tube? But it really becomes handy when you get to roll #5 and get your arm stuck in the damn thing.

DIGGING PUPPY ($7.99): "Add a touch of whimsy to your yard or garden. This realistic-looking, water-resistant polyresin puppy looks like it's burrowing for bones. This adorable decoration is sure to make your friends and neighbors smile."
"Honey, remember the year you got me that plastic ass for my birthday? They had to rush me to Urgent Care with dangerously high blood whimsy levels."

And if you're in a really whimsical mood, put it in your neighbor's garden, smack in the middle of her prize petunias.

SECURITY CAMERA (only $9.99): "Fake security camera with flashing red light and mounting hardware moves from side to side when anyone passes by. Uses 3 AA batteries (not included)"
A fake security camera will provide excellent protection from imaginary burglars.

NECK GENIE ELITE (Why pay $21.99? Ours only $9.99): "New and improved! World's first resistance toning system for your neckline! This new and improved version of the Neck Genie has a built-in adjustable tension control that helps firm, lift and smooth your neckline and reduce double chin and neck folds."
Beauty treatment, or suicide attempt? To quote Crow T. Robot, "Look out! She's got a Lady Hemingway!"

I'm sure it works, I'm just not sure how to explain why I'm walking around holding a the thing under my neck all evening.

TELESCOPING BUG ZAPPER (Why pay $25.73? Ours only $12.99): "Get rid of bugs without harmful chemicals, expensive bug traps or ineffective fly swatters! Instantly zap them dead with this telescoping bug zapper. It extends from 23" to 37"L to deliver a fatal shock to bees, mosquitoes, hornets, roaches, flies, spiders, gnats and more."
And since, from the looks of the thing, it's an electrified tennis racket, those dead bugs will slip through and land in your hair. Hope you didn't spend the morning using that air curler.

VALLEY LANE SCRUNCH BOOTS (only $29.99): They're go-go boots, only, really, really wrinkled. 
I think we have a winner!

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

-Bill S.

[From Scott: Thanks, Bill.  We now end our broadcasting day with the traditional:
Sexy Birthday Lizard!]

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happiest of Birthdays to MaryC!
Your many boxes of feminine hygiene products in fun, colorful wraps and featuring delightful trivia on the box are on their way. Also sending you the Zesty Dressing from Kraft guy. No tablecloth(sorry, Scott!).

Many, many wonderful years of health, happiness, peace, joy, prosperity and healthy husband/felines is my wish for you.

Much Love from
~The Minx~

Anonymous said...

A very Happy Birthday to you, dear Mary.And I hope the year ahead is better in terms of the family's health and wellbeing.
I think I'd take the eye candy in place of those other gifts, some of which look positively hazardous.
Nice lizard, though.
Best.
Suezboo

Li'l Innocent said...

2 comments and already the humor and tastefulness bar is astronomically elevated - but Happy happy birthday, Mary. We love you out here in the interether! Let the next year be a satisfactory one for y'all.

(I'm trying to imagine what Riley and Moondoggie would get you out of the Wright catalog. On the example of the "digging puppy" art, does it have any authentic-looking mouse butts?)

Weird Dave said...

Hey! I want one of those.

Happy belated natal anniversary to my favorite M.C.

maryclev said...

Thanks for the greetings,crappers!

Personally, I would rather get the racket looking bug zapper, just because it is sooooo satisfying to hear the little buggers fry as you swat them!

heydave said...

Happy belated! Just don't try to take any of those gifts along on a flight. They will either be deemed too dangerous, embarrassing or both.

grouchomarxist said...

I dunno about that Air Curler thingie: it looks more like something developed in Hong Kong -- "By a real doctor!" -- for men with a particular problem.

But what an SBL! I can just picture that photo shoot: "Ok, now you're remembering last night ... the crunchy bugs, the mating ritual, going temporarily blind from all the amazing lizard sex ... and it was magical ... [click] Yeah, that's it! [click - click - click] Perfect, sweetheart!"

Happy B-day-plus-six, MaryC!

Anonymous said...

Annti said...

I am so, so sorry to have missed Mary's birfday --- hopefully this is the LAST time that AT&T will illegally deprive me of my ISP ***AND*** landline WITH NO NOTICE WHATSOFUCKINGEVER, and somehow, someday, I'll find a way to make it up to you, Mary. And no, I don't mean that you have to wait for the Powerball to hit...

XOXOXO
LOVE,
ANNTI/J