Thursday, May 22, 2014

I Liked the Baptists Better When They Were Making "Plan 9"

Bill S. was kind (?) enough to send me the following trailer for a new blockbuster film from American Family Studios, Accidental Activist. As you might have guessed, AmFamStu is a subsidiary of Donald Wildmon's non-profit hate group, the American Family Association (where our old friend Bryan Fischer is "Director of Issues Analysis," which doesn't really make sense as a job description, until you remember that Tobias Funke was "an analyst and a therapist -- the world's first analrapist," so Bryan's title probably just means he's the nation's foremost authority on anal electrolysis. Keep Crack Canyon SMOOTH, boys and girls!)

Anyway...Accidental Activist starts with a young Maggie Gallagher asking our hero, Ted, if he'd like to sign a petition. He instantly snaps, "Yes!" before thinking to ask what it's for, I guess because he just really likes to sign his name. Maybe his best subject in school was Cursive, and he's like one of those former high school football heroes who are always hanging out on the sidelines, trying to relive their glory days.  But the petition is to "protect traditional marriage!" (please enjoy the actress's brutally chirpy line reading, which lets us know she has only love in her heart -- if a bit of hate in her petition) and before you know it, Ted is "Crucified For His Beliefs," just like our Lord and Savior, although unlike Jesus, Ted kind of tries to weasel out of it.

The Gays, however, are having none of that.  Soon, Ted is reduced to weepy despair, complaining that just because he wants to deprive certain American citizens of their civil rights, people think he's a bigot, and suddenly homosexual baristas and femmy newscasters are coming out of the woodwork to torture him with stern talkings-to.  "I shouldn't have signed that petition," he cries to his wife, who doesn't get a single line in the trailer. "It's going to cost us everything!"

Fortunately, a Black preacher shows up to organize an American Spring-style rally for Ted, telling him that he is Heaven's chosen warrior against the gays.  "If you believe that God oversees our lives," he intones, "You can't look at this like a fluke." Particularly not a Sandra Fluke.  And then he zings Ted (and through Ted, us, the audience) with a potent, yet poetic political metaphor: "Like the wind blew you to the left...when it should've blown to the right."

As Coming Attractions go, this one is more than usually orgasmic, and I really wanted to give it the BLTBM treatment. Unfortunately, I'd have to buy the DVD, so forget that. But I urge you to watch the trailer below. It's 60 seconds of your life you'll never get back, but never regret.


Accidental Activist Trailer from American Family Studios on Vimeo.

11 comments:

Kordo said...

That was breathtaking. Great production values, too. I'm tempted to buy the thing and mail it to you guys, just for the joy of reading your response. Got a PO box?

Scott said...

Kordo, drop me a line at scott.clevenger - at - gmail.com and I'll be happy to send you our address.

Yastreblyansky said...

An early title reads "signtature"--subliminal clue that correct spelling is decadent and corrupt or something.

Carl said...

Starbucks has gay baristas?

Hm.

And here I thought they acted that way because they realized they were serving bitter oversized coffees to idiots.

Chris Vosburg said...

Second best line after Ted's clueless response to "Sign a petition!?" (Sure! what's it for!?), is the unenthusiastic reading of the "What do we want? When do we want it?" litany, like they're ordering food at McDonald's.

Yeah, this thing'll show up sooner or later on youtube.

grouchomarxist said...

Just like American Carol, this is destined to become a free gift with your subscription to the National Review.

"You can't look at this like a fluke."

Ok, so Ted's not supposed to view his predicament as if he were parasitic flatworm comfortably ensconced in somebody's liver. But flukes don't have even rudimentary eyes -- they don't need 'em, just like Xtian wingnuts don't need self-awareness -- so how could a fluke "view" anything?

Maybe the preacher was thinking of the Flukeman, from that episode of The X-Files. Which would seem to render his advice superfluous, since whatever else Ted's failings might be, he's clearly not a hideous mutant hybrid of man and flatworm.

Nigel Tufnel said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Donald Wildmon, the founder of the American Family Association, was a METHODIST, not a BAPTIST. So your title is NOT FUNNY and NOT EVEN CORRECT; therefore any criticism you may make of this wonderful piece of cinema (including, in the comments, the missspelings) is now INVALID.

So there! Suck it, libs!

Weird Dave said...

Nigel turns it up to 11!!

My comment on the trailer? That sure is some fine acting.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I AM MOOOVED!
~

grouchomarxist said...

"Yes! Yes! My spirit is snoring!"

Green Eagle said...

Man, that was bad.

Sorry, that's all I have to add to the conversation.