Thursday, July 17, 2014

C.S.I.: Wingnut

To everything there is a season (turn, turn, turn), and a time to every purpose under heaven. For instance, in the early days of the Obama Administration, shrinks of varying authority and repute emerged from the nation's Strategic Analrapist Reserve to remotely diagnose the President with everything from narcissism to homosexuality to closed-head trauma. But as Ecclesiastes tells us, there is "A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together," so you can cast them again, and this time put your damn shoulder into it and try not to throw like a girl, ya big pansy!

In other words, times change, but it's always a good idea to have rocks on hand. Still, it's not enough for a possibly defrocked family therapist like Robin of Berkeley to question Obama's mental health -- and thus his fitness to discharge the office of President -- because now, with impeachment in the air, you don't want to inadvertently corroborate his insanity defense. So farewell to psychiatrist-life coach Dr. Keith Ablow and diploma mill-certified "Policologist" Dr. Gina Loudon, and hello to self-appointed FBI profiler Andrew G. Hodges, M.D.
Before we begin, let's check out Dr. Hodges' bona fides. On the site HealthGrades, which is a kind of Rate My Professor for health care providers, Dr. Hodges scores 1½ out of 5 stars, which suggests that his psychiatric patients are deeply unhappy with him, and may help to explain why he's turned to diagnosing strangers from a distance.

Dr. Hodges is also a prolific author (the article above is basically an extended ad for his book, The Obama Confession: Secret Fear. Secret Fury) and according to his bio on Amazon:
ANDREW G. HODGES, M.D., is a board-certified psychiatrist in private practice. Previously he was assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Alabama School of Medicine. Dr. Hodges has helped pioneer a breakthrough to the brilliant unconscious mind, which he explained in his 1994 groundbreaking book The Deeper Intelligence (which he now calls the "super intelligence").
Previous names for Dr. Hodges' concept of the "super intelligence" include "supra-cranial mega cognition," "power-top dom brain," "penumbral percipience," and "J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs."
A noted forensic profiler
Noted primarily for his devotion to the art of hardcore "punk" profiling, that is, because unlike his colleagues who sold out to The Man and now profile for police departments or the FBI, Dr. Hodges rejects the lucrative but soulless pap of corporate profiling, and will only forensically profile on spec.
...he developed his technique, "ThoughtPrint Decoding,"
In addition to reading the minds of serial killers and U.S. Presidents, "ThoughtPrint Decoding" can also be used to produce lovely saddle-stitched photobooks for your grandma if she's not on Instagram.
by accessing the unconscious super intelligence of suspects during criminal investigations, basing his analysis on verbatim testimony, transcripts of police interviews, letters and emails created by the suspects.
You'll notice that Dr. Hodges' technique doesn't involve the tedium of actual investigation, like examining evidence or crime scenes, working with police, or interviewing suspects. Just Google up some news stories and solve a crime! It's what Nero Wolfe would have done if he'd had a better Internet connection.
He discovered a deeper moral compass which prompts people to always tell the truth--between the lines--in the special symbolic language of the subconscious.
It's like Wonder Woman's lasso of truth, except without the kinky bondage undertones.
 His work added a whole new dimension to the forensic science of psycholinguistics.
(Specifically, the Fifth Dimension, but the version after they replaced Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr.)
 Law enforcement authorities nationwide, including the FBI, have requested his expertise in cases ranging from the high-profile disappearance of Natalee Holloway in 2005 to the murder of JonBenĂ©t Ramsey in 1996.
So his claim to fame as a profiler are two unsolved murders. Shawn on Psych has a much better record than that and he admits he's a fake.
In addition to assisting criminal investigators, Dr. Hodges also applies his super-intelligence technique in the analysis of leaders who confess unconsciously when they are violating their deeper moral compass.
What with the lame power set and the feeble villains,  I'm pretty sure the adventures of Dr. Hodges would make for a really shitty comic book.

Okay, enough with the vetting -- let's get to the WorldNetDaily report by Bob Unruh (I don't know much about Mr. Unruh or his work, only that his name sounds like something that might be uttered by an uneasy Scooby-Doo).
A forensic profiler whose career has included work on the double-murder case against O.J. Simpson and the Natalie Holloway disappearance says Barack Obama is confessing he’s under enormous pressure and is “slipping mentally.”
Oh, he "worked" on the O.J. Simpson case, too! So let's amend his career stats: that's two unsolved murders, and one double homicide where everyone knew who the killer was except the jury.
Hodges, an expert who previously suggested Obama was revealing alarming ideas about martial law and described how the president wants “total gun control,” provided to WND an analysis of some of Obama’s recent comments, specifically those from speeches in Minneapolis in late June. 
“On June 27, he said that Republican inaction ‘drives you nuts … and it drives me nuts.’ He reveals his enormous internal pressure – far greater than his conscious mind knows.
Later, after a long day, Obama tripped himself up again when he rubbed his eyes and said, "Man, I'm dead," prompting Secret Service agents to immediately tackle him and apply defibrillator paddles.
“Appreciate his casual psycholinguistic reference to ‘madness’ in a deeper scarier way. Obama is warning us that he’s slipping mentally,” Hodges wrote.
Also, take extra precautions if you own horses, because just last week, while sitting down to dinner, the President threatened to eat one.
As he explains, “As a forensic profiler, I serve as a translator who decodes unique linguistic expressions that derive from a person’s deep unconscious, his super intelligence.”
Reminds me a bit of this fellow:
He said at the recent Minnesota speeches, Obama was under pressure from various groups over the “the IRS lying about ‘lost’ emails about persecuting conservative non-profits, the NSA spying on everyday Americans, Benghazi cover-ups, setting free five brutal terrorists from Club Gitmo to gain back a deserter” and “fostering the onslaught of unaccompanied illegal immigrant children on the southern border.”
Most people foster children, but Obama just fosters onslaughts. Probably a fear of commitment. Anyhow, now that I know the collective noun for groups of unaccompanied illegal immigrant children on the southern border, I'm gonna win sooo many bar bets...!
“Obama declared, ‘I’m not sure which of the things I’ve done they [Republicans] find most offensive,’” Hodges said. “Denial represents a classic way of telling the truth. A person rationalizes his behavior consciously – yet unconsciously he admits his actual actions. When we read through his denial confession, we can see that he really means ‘Deep down I’m sure of the many offensive things I’ve done to Americans.’ Note his word, ‘offensive.’ Secretly Obama confesses, ‘I’ve been on offense – to the extreme.’ It fits with reality – his behavior has been shocking, far beyond mere political fuss.”
Dr. Hodges: Verbally, I'm telling you that I'm a noted forensic profiler and an expert in psycholinguistics who's in touch with his deeper moral compass, but actually my super intelligence just really wants to grab your boobs!
On Hodges’ website, Steven A. Egger, associate professor of criminology at the University of Houston, Clear Lake, has written that Hodges’ technique is “becoming the cutting edge of forensic science.”
Say, that's awfully nice of Dr. Hodges to allow his own blog to be used by this Mr. Egger fellow to advance his "arguments" (which we now call "tongue baths"). His example is making me feel ashamed of my selfish unwillingness to be praised, so if any of you feel like writing something such as "World O' Crap is fast becoming the state-of-the-art in psychiatrist-related ribaldry, and your One Stop Shopping Location for invective, obloquy, epithets and unguents," I will graciously give you space on the front page.
Hodges also found that Obama was projecting. 
Well, I'm close to projecting vomit, so I've got to respect the Doctor's insights.
“First he denies what he’s doing – and then he attributes failure to others, not himself. His description of ‘others’ unconsciously fits his own behavior. Here is the proverbial log in his own eye, sins that he so glibly sees in those who oppose him,” he said. 
“First, we observe two repeated messages on June 27, ‘They don’t do anything…..They’re not doing anything.’ In reality he’s describing himself. Numerous Americans, on both sides of the aisle, have been alarmed by his habitual lack of assertiveness, his passivity, his leading from behind after events are well down the road, by his incessant golfing, fundraising and vacationing instead of doing his job. Understand passivity is his secret plan,” he wrote.
Now that's the kind of cryptanalysis Alan Turing could have pulled off, if only he'd had access to the modern miracle of ThoughtPrint Decoding. Alas, use of Dr. Hodges' techniques reveals that Turing was too much of a skirt-chasing horndog to ever really apply himself to anything so cutting edge.
Hodges continued, “In the June 27 speech Obama whined about opponents, ‘They don’t do anything except…call me names.’ In fact, he calls his critics names.
Unlike Turing's device, which required a room full of electromechanical rotor machines in order to decode secret messages, Dr. Hodges' technology requires only rubber and glue.
First he called them antagonistic do-nothings, then he called them phony scandal-mongers. Obama accuses his opponents of making up scandals. In so doing he confesses he’s a charlatan creating a bogus scandal to divert Americans from the truth. Let reality be the judge – new administration scandals confront us almost daily.”
And where are these daily scandals coming from? Obviously not from Republicans, who have never projected anything at the President and spend most of their time in quiet self-reflection, therefore Obama must be ginning them up himself. Man, that guy's head is a nest of snakes.
“To reveal his trademark passive-aggression in another projection he finally acknowledges anger, ‘They’re [Republicans] not doing anything – and they’re mad.’ Then he adds a powerful image to his confession further describing his fury. Remember, things said in jest are ideal for true super-intel confessions. Obama said, ‘With Secret Service, I always tease them, I’m like a caged bear and sometimes I break loose. And I’m feeling super loose today, so you don’t know what I might do.’” 
Hodges continued, “His terrorizing aggression surfaces more and more. He cannot contain himself nor his attacks. He is increasingly out of control – ‘super loose’ indeed.”
Hm! Okay, then...Obama claims he is a "super loose bear"...so if I'm applying Dr. Hodges' method properly, the President has just confessed to being a hairy, slutty gay man. Tom Colicchio fans take note.
“Read the tea leaves. The messages from Barack Obama’s super intelligence are utterly terrifying to those of us who understand what he’s saying between the lines.”
I think we'll leave the good doctor here, because reading between the lines of the tea leaves has given me a super headache.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Physician, heal thyself.

Board certified?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

World O' Crap is fast becoming the state-of-the-art in psychiatrist-related ribaldry, and your One Stop Shopping Location for invective, obloquy, epithets and unguents!!!
~

Chris Vosburg said...

Previously [Hodges] was assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Alabama School of Medicine.

...who presumably moved quickly to remedy the situation.

Helmut Monotreme said...

You left out ungulates.

KWillow said...

I can't wait till he analyzes Dick Cheney's blibberblabber.

Sheri said...

Scott, you have discovered the Sherlock Holmes of wingnuts here! Kudos on YOUR detective work and your superbrain-mind-meldo-ESP interpretation of this article. You HAVE to get his book.

Anonymous said...

bored, certified...

Scott said...

I agree Sheri, but which one? His 1994 treatise The Deeper Intelligence: Discover How the Untapped Potential of Your...? I like that option because it's the rare book cover that contains an ellipsis, making it seem as though it's forgotten its own title.

Or perhaps I should start with the 1997 book that puts the Deeper (now Super) Intelligence to work, with Into the Deep: The Hidden Confession of Natalee's Killer, or his 1998 follow up A Mother Gone Bad: The Hidden Confession of JonBenet's Killer or his 2000 follow up to that, Who Will Speak For JonBenet? A New Investigator Reads Between the Lines (and Also Leans Over Your Shoulder and Gets in Your Light.

I guess I could start with the latest, his 2012 volume, The Obama Confession: Secret Fear. Secret Fury, but that kind of sounds like a Robert Ludlum book that's been caught in flagrante delicto with a romance novel.

I guess I'll go back to the one that started it all, Hodges' 1986 book, Jesus: An Interview Across Time and see how he gets our Lord to subliminally confess to the murder of John the Baptist.

Weird Dave said...

Thunder Johnson is right!

Hodges also suggested Obama is revealing a coming “apocalypse” by saying, “There’s not going to be an apocalypse.”

So that means when I say I'd like pizza for lunch what I'm really saying is if you get a pizza for lunch I will frickin' kill you?

Carl said...

So he struck out on OJ and Natalie Holloway, so....doubling down?

maryclev said...

So, for Dr. Hodges, everyday is "Opposite Day" and everything you dream about actually is a penis.

tony in san diego said...

I think I learned this in first grade under the heading of "I know you are, but what am I?"

Sheri said...

Scott, I agree that starting with his Jesus book would be the way to go. It sound like it gets to the bottom of the ""who really killed Abel?" controversy. The "publisher" lists some of the questions the Dr. asks JC, but we have to guess at the answers:

"What was it like when you first realized who you really were?

How did your family react when you performed your first miracle?

What really happened at the resurrection?

Did your mother being a famous virgin affect your social/sexual development?

Are you angry at your Father for being a deadbeat dad?

Does your turning water into wine reveal a drinking problem?

And so on.



Woodrowfan said...

a former Assistant Professor? in other words he failed to get tenure and was fired...

grouchomarxist said...

Oh Jeez: now Obama has left his dirty ThoughtPrints all over my nice clean floor!

Dr.BDH said...

Regarding the "assistant professor" crap: any doctor with any association with a medical school (admits the occassional patient, mentors the occassional medical student) gets called an assistant professor. It means nothing academically.

But really, "Read the tea leaves." Yep, leave it at that, doctor.