Monday, October 13, 2014

E Pluribus Asterisk

Rebecca Hagelin is an author, Townhall columnist, and a frequent source of carbon dioxide on FoxNews. Admittedly, none of that really matters, but she's invaluable if you've ever wanted to know what the Children of the Damned look like all grown up.
Fashions by Forever Cuckoo, at the Midwich Mall.

Like a lot of people, Rebecca is very concerned about public health issues, and warns of a coming epidemic:
The Challenge: Pornography Pandemic
Okay, so it's more an epidemic of coming she's worried about.
Pornography is everywhere. 
It's in the closet!  It's under your bed!  It's -- wait. It actually is in both those places. Okay, carry on.
It’s an evil with far-reaching affects that damage many layers of society. But no one is hurt more by the overwhelming presence of pornography in our society than children.
Especially when your dad catches you with his stash and smacks you with a rolled up copy of Juggs.
According to a study by the London School of Economics, nine out of ten children who go online (by the way, many of them just doing their homework) will view pornography. 
Call me a prude, but I don't think teachers should be assigning porn as homework. That's really more of a leisure time activity.
Even when kids are acting responsibly and innocently, adults in the pornography business are so fixated on creating new porn addicts that they have made it virtually impossible for children to escape their grasp. Think about it—90 percent of all kids on the Internet will be subjected to the sexual images and values of perverted pornographers.
And 73% of all Townhall readers will be subjected to pundits who pull 87% of their statistics out of their ass -- slowly, like Thai anal beads.
There should be a protected space in childhood where kids don’t have sex forced upon them—physically or mentally. 
So for a child, the experience of being molested is exactly the same as stumbling upon a supercut of all the boob shots on Game of Thrones?  The scales have fallen from my eyes. In fact, thinking back on my own childhood,  I used to hang around my dad's trucking company in summer, and I see now that he really deserved to do hard time for that Parts Pups calendar in the men's room.
Mere exposure to pornography inflicts a great deal of damage to developing attitudes, psyches and morality.
And then sometimes it just inflicts a great deal of orgasms. Or do you also consider that "damage," and if so, have you ever considered that maybe you're doing it wrong?
Donna Rice Hughes, CEO of Enough Is Enough (EIE), a non-profit organization determined to make the Internet safer for children and families said,
That would be this Donna Rice (Hughes):
“For 20 years, children have been spoon-fed a steady diet of online pornography, with few laws or barriers of entry.
Still, it's gotta be better than that Mott's applesauce my mom used to spoon-feed me.
Recent peer-reviewed research shows the extreme nature of Internet pornography is having a destructive impact on the mental, emotional and sexual health of adolescents, including addictive and even criminal behavior. “ (You can learn more about the work of Enough is Enough atwww.InternetSafety101.org)
I checked Donna's Wiki entry, just to make sure it was the same person, and discovered that "she has worked [with Enough is Enough] since 1994, whose mission is to make the Internet safer for families and children."

So she's been on a crusade against internet porn basically since the first year the World Wide Web went world wide. I imagine she began by campaigning against the introduction of the 14.4 modem because it would allow adolescent males to download Cindy Crawford GIFs from Compuserve in only an hour and a half!
Many parents today know the sad truth and have already taken the necessary steps to protect their children when they are at home. (You can protect your kids by installing Internet filters on computers and mobile devices, by teaching them how to be safe online and by monitoring their online activity until they demonstrate the maturity needed to navigate the treacherous territory on their own.)
Okay then, problem solved! Anyone for coffee and pie?
 However, when kids are out of the house, the protective barriers parents put up come down. Tech-savvy kids often figure out how to get around filters and, to further complicate the matter, public Wi-Fi in restaurants and cafes allows unprotected and unchecked Internet browsing.
Until your child grows up, we're going to have to treat all grown-ups like children, so grab those outlet covers and toilet seat lid-locks and let's babyproof the planet! Oh, and we're also going to need to take down Rebecca's column, since it's a choking hazard.
But kids getting around filters or accidentally stumbling upon negative images isn’t all we have to worry about. Public Wi-Fi provided by many businesses also serves as a safe haven where perverted criminals can anonymously view, post and share child pornography, which only leads to further sexual solicitation and abuse of children.
You know, when I'm at Starbucks it does creep me out a bit to know that the person at the next table with the blueberry scone could be looking at pornography or worse, writing about it for Townhall.
As Mrs. Hughes said, “Now is the time for corporate America to take a stand against Internet pornography and child pornography that is damaging children. This is now a global public health issue that must be addressed holistically. Parents, corporate America and law enforcement must share the responsibility to protect the younger generations, and we must do so now—together.”
Because despite conservatives' success in spreading abstinence-only "sex education," there remain some cracks in the wall where evidence for the existence of sex might still leak through.
EIE has been on the front-lines of Internet safety since 1994 and has recently launched a new campaign called “P*rn Free Wi-Fi” to encourage corporate America to join the fight to prevent the Internet-initiated sexual exploitation of children.
Bit of trivia: the asterisk is "P*rn" is pronounced "asterisqué."
 (Rebecca served on the original steering committee of, and helped launch Enough is Enough way back in 1992 - incidentally, when she was pregnant with Kristin.)
Really? You were fed up with Internet porn in 1992?  What, was somebody sending you bukkake videos by Telex?
Specifically, EIE is asking McDonald’s and Starbucks to start using pornography filters in their establishments across the United States, hoping that many other businesses will follow suit. Both companies have pornography filters in their establishments in the United Kingdom (due to a self-regulation initiative begun by Prime Minster David Cameron).
You know what the UK doesn't have? A First Amendment. And is it really "self-regulation" when it's imposed by the Prime Minister?
 Hughes said, “If McDonald’s and Starbucks can protect children from pornography and child pornography in other nations, they should do so here in the US. Offering safe Wi-Fi is in alignment with both McDonald’s and Starbucks’ corporate best practices and family-friendly policies. This would be a win-win for families and the companies’ respective brands. It’s not about censorship;
N-o-o-o....
 it’s about corporate responsibility and good corporate citizenship.”
This might be tougher than you think, Donna. Now that corporations are recognized by the courts as persons with a legal right to religious freedom, they're probably developing sentience, and becoming self-aware, and you know what the next step is: learning to masturbate.

But here's the thing...Anyone who's worked in an office with a content filter knows that it strains out a lot more than just sexually explicit material.  And I'm curious to know what the difference is between someone reading explicit Suits fanfic on his laptop, and someone else reading 50 Shades of Grey? Neither one of them is likely to start jerking off in Starbucks, but if Donna and Rebecca succeed in bowdlerizing what you can access on your tablet, they'll have to do the same to your Kindle -- because porn cannot be allowed to exist in the public sphere with hypothetical children, regardless of whether the beholder's eye regards his reading material as such -- and then they'll have to crack down on the Mommy Porn paperback book du jour, because every slope is equally slippery, so we must be prevented from lubricating them with our gooey bodily fluids.
As Hughes said, “Parents need to be the first line of defense to safeguard their children online. However, they cannot shoulder the entire responsibility alone. If parents understand that strangers can view hard-core pornography and child pornography in front of their kids in these establishments, I believe they would join us in saying, ‘Enough is enough!’”
I'm a little queasy about the idea of recruiting strangers as co-parents for your kids, but then as someone who's occasionally posted vintage typewriter erotica and other images that might be considered NSFW, I'm even more leery of giving bluenoses like Donna and Rebecca veto power over who gets to read my blog.  Their fears, in my opinion, are overblown, a veneer for a pathological discomfort with human sexuality.

However...

Recently a friend has been browbeating me about watching The Blacklist, going on and on about its many virtues and how I really should jump in now that the first season is on Netflix. I resisted, because I have a fear of commitment, but then the billboards and the bus shelter ads starting ganging up on me too, so I finally said "Enough is enough!" and tried to program the DVR to record it. I couldn't remember what channel it was on, so I used the search feature, and didn't get more than four letters in before I was HOGPILED BY PORN!

Frankly, "Wet, Swollen Vulvas Ravaged In All Black Orgies" sounds like something your server would say when reciting the daily specials ("Six pounds of Black Shaft served in Gooey Holes with a distinctive sauce"), but the rest of these seem as if they were translated literally from the Japanese. Except maybe "A Black Mom, Dad & The Naked Babysitter," which sounds like a 1980 TV movie starring Robert Hayes and Pam Dawber.

So maybe porn is everywhere, and like those fracking chemicals in our water table, we just need to get used to it. Hm...I wonder how Suezboo deals with this at her Internet cafe, and what the laws regarding online naughtiness are like in her native South Africa?

What do the rest of you guys think about all this?  And who do you think would win in a fight between White Dong and Monster Black Schlong?

27 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

White Dong may be slower, but he's got a lot of grit.

/ I'm ready for my ESPN jerb!
~

preznit said...

And who do you think would win in a fight between White Dong and Monster Black Schlong?

I think it's a hung jury ;}

grouchomarxist said...

"You can put it in the hands of your lawyer, but it'll never stand up in court!"

KWillow said...

Just tell your kids about the horrible virus' and bugs that often infect online Porn... tell 'em "an hour's pleasure can lead to a lifetime (computer lifetime) of regret. And crashes.

Weird Dave said...

...who do you think would win in a fight between White Dong and Monster Black Schlong?

Hard to tell...

Weird Dave said...

Um and also.

What the freak cable service are you using?

Scott said...

Dave, it's AT&T U-verse (or as we now call it around here, AT&T Per-verse). These were all On Demand selections, although in the past when I've hit the On Demand button it's always offered up an inoffensive menu of new movies and old sitcoms. Maybe I blundered into a test of their new Premium Porn Tier, but I'll tell you one thing -- I'm re-evaluating my decision to search the schedule for Blacula.

Sheri said...

I worry about innocent men scrolling through Google images, and being scarred for life by coming across pornographic images of Donna Rice. Won't somebody think of the bloggers!
And I also obsess about who may be having bad thoughts being in the same McDonald's as my imaginary children are eating their Happy Meals; but since Obama has failed to provide adequate funding for the Thought Police, these perverts are free to think whatever disgusting things they want.

Smut Clyde said...

I wager 400 quatloos on the newcomer.

Relevant:
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51JcHF8RPtL._SL500_.jpg

Smut Clyde said...

If McDonald’s and Starbucks can protect children from pornography and child pornography in other nations

But they can't.
http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/jan/08/david-cameron-great-firewall

Smut Clyde said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scott said...

Last summer, David Cameron and the DCMS mandated that ISPs would have to switch on their customers' content filters (to block everything from "extremism"

Phew. I think we're okay.

to "esoteric content")

Oh oh...

Anonymous said...

I just put up this big sign "No porn;No gambling" which seemed to appease the Xtian mothers OK. If I actually saw someone accessing porn, I might (if they were kids)say an Ahem and point to the sign; if they were grownups I would ignore it as long as they didn't actually start messing about with their zippers when I would definitely point to the sign and give them the Disapproving Librarian glare - worked for me.
Suezboo

Gary McCammon said...

an evil with far-reaching affects

Including failing to use grammar properly.

I blame homeschooling.

Gary McCammon said...

To continue -

Think about it—90 percent of all kids on the Internet will be subjected to the sexual images and values of perverted pornographers.

Perverted pornographers are the best kind - I'm not wild about those "family values" pornographers who require all the ladies on-set to wear burqas at all times.

“For 20 years, children have been spoon-fed a steady diet of online pornography

Campbell's Chunky Porn - you could eat it with a fork... but use a spoon, you'll want every drop!

download Cindy Crawford GIFs from Compuserve in only an hour and a half!

UPHILL BOTH WAYS THROUGH SNOW AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY, SPANKY.

It’s not about censorship

Oh, fuck, no, the fact that when we get around to instituting the Republic of Gilead we can also filter Islam, evolution and democracy from your Internet is just a pleasant extra!

BTW, "Homemade Massive Black Sticks"?? Is this porn, or woodworking we're talking about?

Smut Clyde said...

According to a study by the London School of Economics, nine out of ten children who go online (by the way, many of them just doing their homework) will view pornography.

If she means the 2004 study, the non-made-up statistic was 57%. With a definition of "pornography" which included "pictures of naked people", i.e. large parts of Western art.

Weird Dave said...

With a definition of "pornography" which included "pictures of naked people", i.e. large parts of Western art.

And National Geographic.

bbkf said...

(You can protect your kids by installing Internet filters on computers and mobile devices, by teaching them how to be safe online and by monitoring their online activity until they demonstrate the maturity needed to navigate the treacherous territory on their own.)

once again, wingnuts have our back with the most timeliest of advice...

Dr.BDH said...

I've never worried about my kids being exposed to pornography at Starbucks, but hipsters, that's another story! The psychic trauma of seeing some guy who looks like a mime with a goatee sipping a mocha latte could scar them for life.

Dr.BDH said...

Also, Scott, "frequent source of carbon dioxide at Fox" is the best. When we seize control of the world, the climate changing CO2 emissions at Fox News will be banned forever, bwaha-ha-ha!

Scott said...

Thanks, Doc! And I wouldn't trust anyone else with the Liberal Death Panels but you.

Weird Dave said...

Way off topic. (Or is it?)

The psychic trauma of seeing some guy who looks like

Me!

Or, to put it another way, why is Weird Dave weird?
This is why Weird Dave is weird...

Scott said...

It's like I've always said, Dave: the difference between an online nic and a label mandated by truth in advertising laws is often surprisingly thin.

Weird Dave said...

As long as it's not too traumatizing for you or the crew we'll see how long the Great Gazoogle lets me get away with it.

Li'l Innocent said...

Well, Weird Dave, now that you've subjected all of us to porn according to the London School of Economics' 2004 definition, we plan to hold you personally responsible for any adverse future effects on our developing attitudes, psyches and morality that occur while visiting the United Kingdom. And believe you me, that's just the place where it can happen.

Weird Dave said...

It's all about pushing the boundaries...

Keith said...

"10 Feet of Black Meat" has a somewhat poetic ring ... I guess...