Thursday, October 9, 2014

Flex Mooseknuckle Needs Your Help!

Do you remember Douglas MacKinnon? If so, you're probably wishing some hammer-wielding Samaritan would give you that same, ultra-specific neurological damage Guy Pearce suffered from in Memento, but just as a refresher: Doug is a former press secretary to former Senator Bob Dole, "who spent three years working in a Joint Command" (presumably his access to pot also allowed him to score Bob's Viagra):
"Thanks to my Viagra pusher, I'm no longer a spaghetti pusher."

He also writes crappy novels about would-be tough guys who would be tough if only all that justice-seeking and vengeance-wreaking didn't cut into the time they set aside each day for crafting run-on wisecracks and diarrheal quips ("If I were emperor of the earth for one day, one of the first things I would do would be to disband the TSA and turn the entire operation over to the private sector. In the parade of our government being intrusive and out of control, the beyond incompetent TSA is carrying the baton and wearing the shiniest jackboots of the lot.”)
Because of the recent independence referendum in Scotland, secession is all the rage. 
True, the Scots didn't actually secede, but nothing entices people to hop on a bandwagon more than a failed cause, which explains the swelling popularity of racism, heterosexual marriage, and Confederate flag mudflaps.
Both in Europe and even here in the United States. With that subject in mind, the Reuters news agency commissioned a poll and found that one of four Americans would be open to secession. One in four.
Astonishing! I would have bet that the proportion of gibbering morons in this country was at least 50%. 
Former Congressman, Presidential candidate, and Patriot Ron Paul just added to the growing controversy when he said there should be more Secession movements in The United States. 
If you're going to revive the Colonial-era practice of randomly capitalizing nouns, then you really ought to go whole hog and use the elongated "S" too. So what I think you really meant to say was, "Former Congreffman, Prefidential candidate, and Patriot Ron Paul juft added to the growing controverfy when he faid there fhould be more Feceffion movementf in the United Ftatef."
For me, the subject of secession is one that I have researched off and on for years. That said, it is one thing to research it, and quite another to put your name on a book that most will consider controversial at best, with some even considering treasonous. 
Are you considering treasonous? Talk to your doctor, and ask if treasonous is right for you.
Especially considering that I worked in the White House and Pentagon.
Big deal! Chuck Norris worked in the Octagon, and you don't see him seceding.
As I was writing the book, my wife, family members, and a few close friends implored me to at least use a pseudonym instead of my real name. 
Of course, they beg him to use an assumed name whenever they go out in public together, sooo...

But Mr. MacKinnon's family and friends do bring up a good, if self-serving point, so let's pitch in and see if we can help. What pseudonym do you think he should adopt when writing his Jefferson Davis/Alexander Stephens slash fiction?  Needless to say, it must be something terse and manly to go along with his tough guy persona.  I'll get the ball rolling:

Fleck Spurnipple.
Crab Brickmeat.
Hook Pinewhistle.

The floor is open.
I considered the suggestion but quickly cast it aside. Exactly because of the controversial nature of this book, I very well may pay a professional or even personal price for writing it.
Less than we'd pay for reading it, but at least we don't have to go around calling ourselves Ram Spunkhammer.
 I understand that but felt strongly that my real name had to go on the book
Along with that legally required warning from the Surgeon General.
...for two reasons. The first is that precisely because of the precarious situation of our nation and the world, I felt it important to try to begin a dialogue that would resonate with those who cherish traditional values. The second reason is that because of my professional and real-life experience, I felt my name might add some credibility to the effort.
Spuds Mackenzie is right!
So, how does one begin a discussion regarding the highly controversial subject of seceding from the Union? 
Usually by spitting a stream of Red Man juice into an old coffee can you keep under the podium.
Well for me, it began about four years ago at an outdoor cafĂ© at the Willard Hotel in Washington, DC. I had gone there to catch-up with a friend recently back from serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Like me – and tens of millions of other Americans – he was conservative and a strong believer in traditional values. 
That sounds...vaguely familiar. Heyyyy, it looks like Steely Manlance went to the Willard to meet his own fictional creation, Ian Wallace! ("What sets the main character Ian Wallace apart is that he is fanatically conservative and proudly wears his strong belief in Traditional Values on his sleeve.")
Also like me and those tens of millions of Americans, he felt our nation was turning its back on the values he held dear.
Specifically, the value of pi, which has been mucked up by liberals who've added too many decimal places in an effort to be inclusive.

Rock Maninoff.
Flinch Pigiron.
Bic Banana.

Sorry, you were saying?
Our discussion then – and now – centered on the question of what any citizen can do when a growing number of our leaders seem determined to erase our borders, do away with the rule-of-law, expand the nanny state into a theology, bankrupt or punish American companies in the name of fighting climate change, do away with the 2nd Amendment, censor or demonize the history of western civilization and replace it with multiculturalism, give every kid a trophy and turn them into wimps, continue to support the completely unfunded public-employee pensions which are destroying the financial solvency of cities, counties, and states across our nation, add billions every day to our $17 trillion in debt, destroy our health-care system to substitute socialized medicine, vilify fossil fuels, and attack all faith in God with a particular and unhinged bias against the Christian faith.
It's a good thing Wrench McMuffin was talking to one of his own fictional characters, because any real person would have faked an attack of diverticulitis halfway through and wriggled out the Men's Room window.
The more my friend and I talked about the problem, the more we wanted and needed to talk about possible solutions.
Like considering treasonous?
 As we did, over the following months, we expanded our group to include a constitutional law expert, two former military officers, two former diplomats, a minister, another special operator, and experts on banking, energy, farming, and infrastructure.
You guys realize the Fire Marshal isn't going to let you all ride in the A-Team van, and that some of you are probably going to have to carpool to the secession.
We quickly decided that in least in theory, the solution which made the most sense was to draft a blueprint to leave the Union. Hence, The Secessionist States of AmericaA book which outlines the why, where, how, and when such a new republic based on traditional values could be established.
Sadly, the name "Republic of Gilead" was already taken.
We are fully aware that the three states offered up as the land mass for this Traditional Values espousing nation along with its new name, will be very controversial to some. For that reason and others, the book will either be ignored, censored, or vilified by most on the left and most in the mainstream media.
Yes, if there's one thing our media hates and shuns, it's controversy.
Knowing that, I simply want those who believe the downward spiral of our country is irreversible, to know that an option to preserve their values does exist. That some folks with a great deal of real-world experience felt it was their responsibility to at least explore the possibility of secession.
Despite how useful their real-world experience has been in concocting a fake-world, it doesn't extend to branding, so Dab Crunchbucket and his co-conspirators are still looking for a good slogan to sell their concept. Right now it's between "Treason is the Reason!" and "Secession: Even Without Slaves It Could Work!"
 It was a controversial solution about 240 years ago and it is no less so now.
I hear it occasioned a spot of spirited debate about 153 years ago, too.
Until that also is taken from us, it is still our right as Americans to discuss what many people truly believe to be our last hope.
Heed the words of Grout Turtlewax!

Dill Peltback
Stub Plasticsac
Stone Phillips

We're still working on it...

15 comments:

Robert M. said...

...the question of what any citizen can do when a growing number of our leaders seem determined to... censor or demonize the history of western civilization and replace it with multiculturalism...

I mean it's a litany of crazy, but I want to take this particular knick-knack off the shelf and turn it over in my hands a few times.

Is he claiming the history of western civilization involves only a single culture? Probably not, since even the dumbest wingnut is probably aware that occasionally one bit of western civilization has gone to war with another bit over whose cultural rules they were going to adopt. (Rules like "your religion is a capital crime" have been particularly popular flashpoints.)

So he's probably not dumb enough to believe what he's implying here. I'm pretty sure that what he's doing instead is blowing a dog whistle. When he says "western civilization" means "white people", and "multiculturalism" means "non-white people".

Not that there's any substantial overlap between white supremacism and secessionism, mind you. I'm sure it's a total coincidence.

Jim Donahue said...

What, no Jack Mehoff?

Sheri said...

Scott,I want Douglas to have to use ffs in everything he writes from now on. It's like a Scarlet A, but for treasonous.

Anyway, I was believing his whole back story about him and his unemployed men's group getting together to foment an uprising until I got to the mention of "another special operator." Is this a Time/Life operator, or does he mean "special operative"? Is Douglas implying that HE was a special operative?

I had to track down this mystery. So, I read his bio, that said that he had a Government Top Secret clearance - which means only that his treasonous hadn't yet been discovered, because everybody in the DC area has a TS clearance.

So, I read his Amazon bio for his memoir, Rolling Pennies.

"This very personal memoir is both heartbreaking and highly inspirational. In it, Douglas MacKinnon weaves his astounding story as a desperately poor child and his triumphant transition from abject squalor to White House writer who now has the political influence to change the system—especially as it affects children."

So, I'm guessing that his abject squalor led to his stint as a "Special Operator" in the gigolo world. Just a guess, though. Maybe Douglas will explain after he's arrested for using one of those fake names to cash bad checks.

Sheri said...

Scott,I want Douglas to have to use ffs in everything he writes from now on. It's like a Scarlet A, but for treasonous.

Anyway, I was believing his whole back story about him and his unemployed men's group getting together to foment an uprising until I got to the mention of "another special operator." Is this a Time/Life operator, or does he mean "special operative"? Is Douglas implying that HE was a special operative?

I had to track down this mystery. So, I read his bio, that said that he had a Government Top Secret clearance - which means only that his treasonous hadn't yet been discovered, because everybody in the DC area has a TS clearance.

So, I read his Amazon bio for his memoir, Rolling Pennies.

"This very personal memoir is both heartbreaking and highly inspirational. In it, Douglas MacKinnon weaves his astounding story as a desperately poor child and his triumphant transition from abject squalor to White House writer who now has the political influence to change the system—especially as it affects children."

So, I'm guessing that his abject squalor led to his stint as a "Special Operator" in the gigolo world. Just a guess, though. Maybe Douglas will explain after he's arrested for using one of those fake names to cash bad checks.

Scott said...

Sheri, I actually thought I was treasonous once, and nearly seceded from my Area Code, but then I had some warm 7-Up and realized I was just bilious.

his triumphant transition from abject squalor to White House writer who now has the political influence to change the system—especially as it affects children."

So he's powerful enough to fix high school Student Council elections and Middle School Mock UN deliberations? Pretty impressive for a guy who admits to being both squalid and treasonous-curious.

Gary McCammon said...

I say just let 'em go this time.

Of course, they'd first have to turn over all the roads, schools, electrification, plumbing, and military that was paid for with Federal taxes.

I'd give 'em about a week before they came crawling back.

Smut Clyde said...

one of four Americans would be open to secession

Almost 27%!
I share your surprise that so few Americans are enthusiastic about the idea of South Carolina just fucking off already.

Weird Dave said...

I believe Dick Trickle is taken...

Yastreblyansky said...

Probably just for the donations--"Special Operators are standing by."

KWillow said...

I'd give 'em about a week before they came crawling back.

I'd give them a couple of days before they declare war on the US

Dr.BDH said...

Does he say which three states he's chosen to secede? Could we have a vote? How about Texas, South Carolina and Idaho? I could do without them. I know they're not contiguous, but we could let them travel in between for a fee.

KWillow said...

No way are we keeping Arizona! (except for the Grand Canyon)

Li'l Innocent said...

Re Arizona: there's a fab Desert Botanical Garden near Phoenix, too.

Who in the White House did this guy write for? With that litany of gripes and whines -- which really does have a completist spectacularism all its own, and that musta been some luncheon chat at the Willard! -- I'm surprised he had the stomach to go near the Lair of the Destructors, much less work in it.

Weird Dave said...

Hey, I live in Arizona!
Now I sincerely apologize for my sheriff*, my senior senator, my governor, and my state legislators but besides the Grand Canyon we do have the Sonoran Desert, the Chiricahuas, Red Rocks country (Sedona), Flagstaff, and, if you want to be generous, Tucson.
Maybe just force march all the rednecks to El Paso...

*There was one time when he was running unopposed. I usually just leave the line for unopposed candidates blank, but in his case I so dislike that man I wrote in my own name.

jackd said...

Let's see how low we can go and still qualify for MacKinnnon's Brain Trust:

a constitutional law expert

Someone who attended law school. Might have graduated. Might have passed the bar. Might be practicing. Might even be teaching Con Law, given how many for-profit colleges and law schools are out there.

two former military officers

Note he didn't say *commissioned* officers.

two former diplomats

Guys who used to be in the State department. Somewhere.

a minister

Volunteer youth minister? Leader of a storefront church with a congregation numbering firmly in the dozen?

another special operator

Yastreblyansky got this one.

and experts on banking, energy, farming, and infrastructure

A guy who worked at a bank, a guy who worked for a power company, a guy who worked on a farm, and a guy who dug ditches. Note that this could be as few as two people to merit the plural of expert.

And that's the kind of expertise you bring together to agree that the right thing for true patriots to do is commit treason.