Saturday, October 11, 2014

Happy Birthday, Anntichrist S. Coulter!

I had a very bad night (Note to Self: Moondoggie no longer gets to sleep in the bed until he learns to stop latching onto your back like a giant tick), but I couldn't let the day go by without blowing a party favor in honor of our friend (and pioneering Crapper) Anntichrist S. Coulter. As you know, it was Annti's long twilight struggle with her namesake which inspired the ancient Wo'C custom of posting Ann Coulter photos on birthdays. First it was just her birthday. Then it was everybody's birthday. Then, presumably, there was a great cataclysm, and life as we knew it ended. Eventually, the cycle began anew; the Lords of Kobol set off to found the 13 Colonies; the Cylons rose; Ann Coulter was replaced by lizards. All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

In the meantime -- let's party!  Annti told me not to bother with cheesecake photos this year, but as Sheri once memorably said (admittedly, in reference to the Ann Coulter pictures) "We have traditions for a reason," so instead of nude people, here's a public art installation on Wilshire Boulevard commemorating Janet Jackson's Super Bowl nip slip:

Annti is smart and smart-mouthed, astonishingly kind, endlessly loyal, and bottomlessly empathetic, and you know how the world likes to treat people like that. So let's flip the world the bird and take a moment to wish Annti -- against all odds -- a very happy birthday.

But first...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Update from Bill S.: Annti shares her birthday with Jane Krakowski:

17 comments:

Bill S said...

A Happy Birthday to Annti!
She shares her birthday with the fabulous Jane Krakowski-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUoJ9x2qEMM
[I hope I copied that right.

Nadine said...

Happiest of Birfdays Joanna! Sending lots of love and pretty boys and girls for your personal enjoyment.

Smooches from...

~The Minx~

maryclev said...

A Very Happy Birthday, Annti! I think it's perfect that you share a birthday with the awesome Jane Krakowski, but personally, this is my favorite performance of hers (plus, it's sweetly raunchy;which is how I would describe Annti!): http://youtu.be/_S2PJ9m-Ffk

preznit said...

Happy Birthday Annti, hope all is well in your world!

Li'l Innocent said...

Joanna/Anti honey, you know you're among the best, the creme de la creme, the Katz PJ's, the Louvre Museum, the tops. Happy Birthday, dear anarchist, to you and all the cats who boss you and benefit from your forgiving nature!

Weird Dave said...

Hippie happy Annti.

Hope you and all your critters are well.

KWillow said...

Happy Birfday, Joanna! Here's something to cheer up your day: http://www.cakewrecks.com/display/ShowImage?imageUrl=/storage/LaurenLeC-FB-squack.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1410829074393

KWillow said...

.... or try this: http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/?currentPage=11

Pere Ubu said...

Happy day of birth!

Ann Coulter was replaced by lizards

Who could tell?

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

So sorry to be so damned late, Scott --- long stoopid story, asshole neighbor, freaking-out about sneaky-little-rat-bastard slumlord & the fact that I haven't had a LEASE in a FUCKING *YEAR* (it expired 10/16/13, 2 days before KWillow's birfday, and the rat-fucker won't let me have another one, since he could so easily replace me --- and would LOVE TO... imagine that...) --- lotta missed sleep and over-slept the alarm clock this afternoon. Otherwise, I'd have been on here the second that this loverly post went up.

Thank you so much, Scott, even after I've been so DISLOYAL this year, not that I've been cheating with another blog, I promise --- just that I haven't been here, and have missed so much, especially Riley. I doubt that anybody could possibly deserve so much of y'all's undying love, support, and respect --- esp. since I haven't written squat since '08. But the way that you put it, Scott, and all of the wunnerful regs --- my sweetheart Bill, beloved KWillow, inimitable minxie Nadine, my heroine Mary, far-flung but ever-faithful Preznit (yup, still have those CDs! Though I've had the Audience Par-Ti-Ci-Pation Album for RHPS in the truck's CD player for over a year, so that I will NAIL IT for Halloween!), wonderfully wonky Weird Dave, and though we're not too familiar, thanks to Pere Ubu, too!

Thank you all for your wunnerful wishes & dearly-beloved comments!

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to view video on this 'puter since that "Windows Update" that pretty much hamstrung my FireFox* back in January, but as soon as I finally get off of my ass & put that netbook from Realist to work (XP!!! WOO HOO!!! FUCKIN' A!), I promise to go see everything that y'all have given me for my birfday.

I fucking ADORE Jane Krakowski AND Cake Wrecks, so thank you all for the loverlies! I'm still stuck in Thread-Killer mode, which seems to be a permanent affliction, so I'll shaddup now before I fuck this up, if I haven't already.

OH! BEFORE I FORGET! **Another** douchebag motherfucker threw-out/abandoned ANOTHER kitteh in the yard (grrreaaaaattt, give the slumlord even MORE excuses!), and though the feral-program chick @ the LA-SPCA was willing to try to find him a home, *without* him going "into the system" that eventually leads to the needle --- he tested positive for FIV.

Yup, I've got a lot of homework to do, but I've been told that he can live a relatively good life for another four or five years (their vet said that he was at least 5 years old, but he's so SMALL! He didn't look malnourished like James was, at all --- clean fur & ears, no calluses on his pads, etc. --- this was somebody's PET until they THREW HIM AWAY, FULLY-INTACT and guess how he GOT the FIV...), though there's no "drug cocktail" for cats. He's a bit PTSD/skeered-shitless of everybody but James, but I could get the traps again and ship him anywhere for about two hundred bucks, if anybody has any interest in this sorta-kinda-Maru-looking little boy. Pictures available for anyone who might be interested in taking-on such a challenged/challenging kitteh. I adore him, even if he acts like I'm SATAN every time that I try to touch him, and James is rather fond of him, but this baby needs an indoor/outdoor home, or straight indoor, so that his compromised immune system won't off him too soon. Oh, and he has SIDEWAYS EARS (dunno if it's adapted or intrinsic), so I've named him "Yoda." But y'all can give him whatever name you want, if you can give him a home.

(cont'd)

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

(Cont'd)

I don't wanna be EVEN MORE of a downer in my own birfday thread, but since my knee got UTTERLY FUCKED 2 weeks after surgery, back in May, I haven't been nearly as able to spend time with the kittehs as I would like. I already can't give them a real home or protect them from the sociopaths around here who kill cats for sport, but now I *really* want to find prospective homes for all of the outside cats, if anyone can take-on PTSD kittehs and the huge pains-in-the-ass that they can be...

The SPCA girl wants to try again with Penny & Shaggy (she & Bob were here when I moved-in, but she adopted Shaggy when he was dumped here as an INFANT last year, so they need to go together), and hopefully Bob, but I wanted to give y'all first dibs, if anybody's interested in a big fat bossy ginger boy who ran Chucky off (I'd SWEAR that he REGREW his balls in the past couple months, the fights he's been picking, when usually, he's standing on his hind legs to get petted, doing all kinds of remarkable tricks just to get petted & loved! But to the other cats, ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE!) --- but at least I've SEEN Chucky a week or two ago, and SOMEBODY has been feeding him regularly.

Penny is skeered of most things/critters/people, but she's SO affectionate, all that she wants is a warm lap or a quiet closet to curl-up in; Shaggy is the same way, soon as I get him inside the house, but it's the CATCHING him that's a bitch. But Shaggy IS great: young, healthy, smart as hell, and the best rat-killer I've known since my first cat, Simon! If I weren't on a fucking cane, this shit wouldn't be difficult at all, but there ya have it...

If I could place these four (even though I know that they'd never forgive me, especially Bob, it would SO be worth it, for them to have true HOMES), it'd leave us with just Dolores, the poor but beautiful orphaned feral tortoise-shell. Haven't found a refuge for feral cats, to get them out to the boonies or the burbs, someplace where knuckle-dragging fucktards DON'T kill cats for entertainment (even though we all already know that rednecks kill as many or more cats as city fucktards), so Dolores would prolly have to stay, even though I can't give HER an indoors refuge, either.

The slumlord has "evicted" me over TEXT MESSAGES, believing gossip & lies about me & the homeless kittehs outdoors, lies from RECENTLY-EMERGED-FROM-ANGOLA-STATE-PEN sociopath motherfuckers --- and hell no, he can't legally enforce that, but it won't stop him from calling the fucking constable on me.

(cont'd AGAIN!)

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez... (LAST ONE, I PROMISE!!!)

(Cont'd)

So, since I can't give the babies the care & attention that they need, or the vet visits or anything beyond rabies shots once a year (except poor Dolores, she will NOT go into a trap! Thankfully, I trapped Dolores & her mama when she was a kitten, and they both got spayed then) & the shitty $5-a-month "flea drops" on their necks, and I sure as hell couldn't take care of them if I was homeless again, it'd help us ALL if anyone is willing to take-on these poor, damaged kittehs.

After all, there wouldn't be a single stray dog or cat, feral or tame, if it were not for the idiocy, abuse &/or neglect of alleged HUMANS. I never ASKED to be the "crazy cat lady," and yes, somebody, I think Tammy & Dan (or possibly Janet or Maria, I'm SO fucking senile!), sent me the Archie McPhee action figure YEARS AGO; I just do what has to be done BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE IS DOING IT, or back in West Redneckistan, they flat-out fucking **REFUSED** TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP THESE ANIMALS.

Here's a ha-ha: 6 months after I left that shit-hole, guess who "found" the money to OPEN AN ANIMAL SHELTER up there?!?!?! YUP, the alcoholic, embezzling "sheriff" who covered-up my nephew's murder 9 years ago. SUCH the humanitarian, that piece of trailer-trash shit...

Sorry again, didn't mean to bum y'all out, especially after such a wunnerful birfday prezzie, but since y'all are all critter people, dogs AND kittehs, I didn't
figure that anybody would mind me asking such a humongous fucking favor, or the possibility of getting to adopt such loverly kittehs.

Yeah, they're from the scratch-and-dent aisle, but so am I, and y'all love ME, right?

Thanks again, Scott, as always, for everything, you wunnerful, wunnerful person you, and the same goes for Mary & Sheri, and ALL of my Wo'C fambly. Hopefully it won't take another narcissism-fit to get me back here sooner... I love y'all SO fucking much, you have no idea.

XOXOXO
L,
J/Annti


*(and hell yes, I tried IE, Chrome, everything but going back to fucking NETSCAPE, but Chrome was pure evil, IE still tries to hijack my soul, and with my dain-brammage, only FireFox MAKES SENSE...) And FUCK this Blogger bullshit "prove you're not a robot" shit, I've been at this shit for an HOUR!!!!!

Thanks again, dear hearts, I'll just be out in the back yard, throwing bricks at the neighbor's rape van...

Scott said...

Ann Coulter was replaced by lizards

Who could tell?

I knew one of you guys would torque that straight line for me.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

SHIT-FIRE BUCK-TURD! I forgot all about the "art installation" & that sexy-as-hell lizzaredd!!! (sue me, "Slingblade" is on, and them Arkies bring back my Klantopia accent something awful...)

I'm a little concerned about your eyesight, Scott --- are those herniated disks in your neck pressing on your ocular nerves or muscles? That don't look like no nipple to me, honey, and I've seen a few nipples in my day...

Honestly, it strikes me (bad usage there, oh well) as the awfully-shy, toad-in-the-hole little pecker of a certain grad student, looooo, those many moons ago... kinda like an acorn hidden in an acre of underbrush...

I know, I know, it's not like he could HELP IT or anything, but in my inebriated state, I was fucking POSITIVE that it was a prosthetic practical jokes, and that somewhere in that guy's apartment, the "film school" guys were busting my proverbial balls with a hidden camera! Never before in my life have I bitten-down so hard on my own tongue... I'm actually kind of amazed that I didn't split it in two, back when I still had my own, razor-sharp, pointy-as-fuck incisors...

You'll have to tell me what kind of lizard I got this year, Scott --- he's (or she's) GAWGEOUS!!! I always have loved lizards, from the little green "Florida lizards" when I was a kid (and I still try to catch 'em when I see them, but I don't touch those slick-ass skinks & salamanders, they're supposed to be poisonous) to the iguana that I had in college.

Her name was "Otto." Used to love to go to my night classes with me, wandering from desk to desk, she always made friends with everybody. Couldn't trust anybody in the Performing Arts Center (ha), though --- let Kelly Keegen hold her, and when I got her back from him, she was missing the tip of her tail. And that tail was her primary weapon of self-defense --- when she didn't like what was on the TV, sitting on top of my head in the dorm room, she'd usually reach around and whack me on the face with it. Opinionated little shit.

Anywho, thanks for inciting this verbal diarrhea, Scott, I hope that I haven't ruined the whole post by now...

grouchomarxist said...

Annti, you make me very thankful the critters who found their way to our door were relatively healthy -- other than the de rigueur infestations of parasites external and internal -- and managed to arrive at a (mostly) peaceful accommodation with the other residents. Praise is cheap, but I should think by now you've accumulated at least a couple dozen books' worth of Green Karma Stamps for your efforts. (Unfortunately, the redemption centers seem to be few and far between.)

I'd like to help you out adoption-wise, but we just can't. Four is all we can handle in our present circumstances.

Still going to wish you a happy birthday, even if it sounds unintentionally ironic at this point. I hope this next year will be a better one for you and your charges.

Weird Dave said...

... kinda like an acorn hidden in an acre of underbrush...

~snerk~

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

{Thanks for the snerk, WeirdDave!)

And Groucho, darlin', don't feel badly if you can't adopt any of the homeless babies here... I just figured that it was worth a shot, since Scott was so generous and kind enough to mention my oft-accursed birfday, despite my having been MIA for SO fucking long, and not having been here at the fuck ALL when he & Mary & Moondoggie and the WO'C fambly all lost the miraculously-brilliant Riley. That will haunt me 'til the end of my pointless days.

Thank you for all of the kind words, Groucho, sweetie, I just wish that if such Green Stamps existed (and don't you fucking MISS grocery stores kissing THE CONSUMERS' ASS to get store traffic?!?!?! Nowadays the bastids act like they're doing us a "FAVOR" for LETTING us shop there! You can't even get those cute plastic glasses in the oatmeal anymore! My china set came from my grandparents making monthly deposits into my little rinky-dink savings account from the day that I was born!) --- if karmic Brownie Points (never got to BE a brownie, girl scout, bluebird, campfire girl, nuttin' honey) EXISTED and were REDEEMABLE, dear heart --- just IMAGINE the ACRES UPON ACRES of my bitching/moaning/whining & complaining that all of y'all would've been SPARED!!!!!!

Okay, so I would never have wound-up with my own blog, if karma was "fair" or could be proven to EXIST... and certain social-climbing, wine-chasing-pills-and-coke, WAY-past-menopause, back-stabbing, gossip-mongering, used-me-like-a-Coney-Island-Whitefish-and-threw-me-away because THEY'D gotten motherfucking "KATRINA FATIGUE," would never have QUINTUPLED their blog traffic during my tenure.

So, when it was good, it was very, very good, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. And then came Hurricane Gustav in '08, and I fucked-up yet ANOTHER hackneyed spine "surgery" alleged "fix," and wound-up back on the fucking pain meds, never to write or cogently FUNCTION again.

Believe you me, if my left knee hadn't been ripped-to-shreds whilst moving into THIS particular slumlord-owned domicile, the kitteh-trapping/neutering/tending would be WAY the fuck easier, as would yard work, house work, sorting my shit for a yard sale, etc.

But, again, thank you for the very kind, if overly enthusiastic (you give me far more credit than I deserve, sweetie, but I thank you nonetheless) words, wishes, and hope.

Shutting the fuck up now, before I go off onto ANOTHER tangent about the most-evil raggedy old cunt who has EVER allegedly "tattooed" me, who JUST TONIGHT called herself "FINISHING" Tater's memorial tattoo, which was started ALMOST EXACTLY A FUCKING YEAR AGO.

And yes, dear, dear Scott, one of the rare humans in my life who stands by me, even when I have so-selfishly deserted YOU in some of the hardest times in your life --- I *will* gather-up the brain cells to process your brilliant assassinations of the neverending stream of fucktards, republicunts (and Y'ALL, along with the entire BLOGOSPHERE, can verify that those white-trash-Limey-bastids on that SLANDERING-EVERYTHING SOUTHERN piece of vampire-whore GARBAGE --- that they flat-out fucking STOLE that word, "REPUBLICUNT/S" FROM *ME.*), and all of the batshit-crazy bibul-banging mouth-breathers in-between. Just give me a little more time, honey. And remember how much that I love you, Mary, Sheri, Moondoggie, and Sheri's neverending daisy-chain of every furry critter that has ever been in need of love, shelter, care & feeding. All my love to you all, even when I seem to have deserted y'all in the worst parts of your lives --- I never DON'T think of y'all. I just don't want to be the fucking THREAD-KILLER when I can't be "funny" or "entertaining" in the fucking LEAST.

XOXOXO
LOVE,
YER RANTY AUNTY ANNTI