Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sunday Sermonette: A Swig O' Swank

[Programming Note:  If you haven't had a chance yet, please drop down to the post below and wish Wo'C's Chief Medical Officer, Dr. BDH a happy birthday.

Continuing our recent tradition of plucking Pastor Swank's pearls, like so many undigested corn niblets, from the ejecta of our archives, we present this column, first published on March 9, 2010. Original comments from O.G. commenters below the fold:]

Pastor Swank Wants Indonesians to Spike the Prez So He Can’t Behead and Shred

Epops: You’re mistaken: men of sense often learn from their enemies. Prudence is the best safeguard. This principle cannot be learned from a friend, but an enemy extorts it immediately. It is from their foes, not their friends, that cities learn the lesson of building high walls and ships of war.
— Aristophanes, Birds
Or, as Pastor Swank more eloquently put it:
America should learn from Jakarta’s protesters how to clog the streets with cries of imploding the Oval Office imposter.
The lesson here is plain: eat more fiber.
Marxist Muslim Barack Hussein Obama is beheading America by throwing our money into the downdrains.
A conservative Christian would use an axe or a knife to decapitate the country, because it’s more efficient. A liberal, meanwhile, thinks you can solve any problem by throwing money at it, including the problem of how to behead America; but you’d probably have to use coins — sharpened like shurikens, because I don’t think folding money is capable of delivering a neck-severing paper cut — and you’d probably have to throw them really, really hard. On the bright side, at least Obama is cutting our nation’s head off near the downdrains, because I doubt there’s enough paper towels in the world to deal with a blood stain that size, even if they did have thirst pockets.
He’s a liar. He breaks his promises. He plays dictator. His crook and liar cronies stand to right and left of his every move. His wife is team member with him.
I heard his wife was team Jacob, but if she’s team member that’s okay with me too. I like a woman who’s pro-boner and not afraid to admit it.
There is no doubt that Obama is using every means possible to wipe out this Republic. That is the prime purpose of any Muslim—eliminate the infidels. Beheading is the favorite modus operandi. But if one can behead without shedding blood, so much the cleaner.
And Pastor Swank’s violent eschatology takes a weird, sudden swing into Billy Mays territory.
BillyMays.jpg
“And if you can behead without blood, so much the cleaner!”
Obama is working night and day with cohorts Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to shred this nation from coast to coast.
The Democrats are bankrupting America, buying all this sick skateboarding gear!
This is most evident with the Obamangst “care”
“Obamangst?” I am second to none in my admiration of the Pastor’s ability to neologize, but like the speed of light, there is apparently a physical limit to Obama name puns, beyond which acceleration, and sense-making, is impossible. And that dull, moist-sounding smack was the Pastor hitting it face first.
bill ram-jammed down our throats.
As you know, Pastor Swank doesn’t always get the latest wingnut talking points (he still thinks “Teabaggers” is a badge of honor), but he must have recently figured out how to use email, since he’s jumped aboard the whole “Obama and Congress are ramming health care reform down our throats” meme. And yet, being Swank, he’s decided this argument would be more effective if it internally rhymed. And that’s why he’s awesome!
Reasonable newsfeeds don’t know how to word their coverage of this insanity. Fox Newscasters in particular are stymied when trying to figure out logical ways to communicate this crazy scene from the White House.
Every day they grope for new verbiage by which to state that the present administration is killing our democracy and no one seems to know how to stop it.
glenn-beck.jpg
“Verbiage fails me.”
Well, in Jakarta, protesters fill the air with cries that Obama is not to arrive there because he is not Muslim enough. There you have it. In America, Muslim Obama is Muslim Number One. In Jakarta Obama is not Muslim enough.
While in a remote cottage occupied by a family of bears, Obama is just Muslim enough.
Now this brings us to the spiritual analysis. God is at work through this whole mess. Why? Because of the righteous remnant at the time of America’s start and at the present moment. Those prayers match up before heaven’s throne.
It’s the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost…And they’re all here to play The Family Feud!”
Satan is also at work, evidently.
Not only that, but he just got a big bonus from Goldman Sachs.
Satan wants to destroy America because it is the only country begun with a Christian stand. America is the Christian-heritage nation of the planet.
Just add water, and the Christian Stand™ will reduce the chance of fire and keep your Christian fresh and healthy-looking for up to three weeks! (For best results, lop off the bottom 2 to 3 inches of your Christian before inserting in Stand.)
We must not try to play God. We must let God guide us socially, spiritually and politically—which He will do.
I use the Google God app for iPhone.
Watch how God moves in the future to rescue America from the Marxist Muslim schemes to rid the world of the Christian-heritage United States of America.
And my dad will be able to beat up your dad at some indeterminate point in the space-time continuum.
Jakarta is an example of how to protest Obama at the moment. Other protestations will show up on life’s screen.
I think the Pastor’s telling us he just discovered YouTube.
In each of these, God will work His move.
And God works His move in mysterious way.
Anyway…Keep Watching the Life Screens!

25 Responses to “Pastor Swank Wants Indonesians to Spike the Prez So He Can’t Behead and Shred”

I’m definitely looking forward to that move that god’s gonna bust, sistah!! Do you think the Chilean quake was a mis-fire?
Nice, Scott.
I never know if Swankford is just trying to be dizown with the shizzle or is a seriously disturbed individual.
We win!!!!
YEW ESS EH (thrice)
“Obamangst?” I am second to none in my admiration of the Pastor’s ability to neologize, but like the speed of light, there is apparently a physical limit to Obama name puns, beyond which acceleration, and sense-making, is impossible. And that dull, moist-sounding smack was the Pastor hitting it face first.
Okay, I lost it there. Damn you, Scott!
/off to find the windex…
His crook and liar cronies stand to right and left of his every move.
I’m really not sure why Reality would be caught dead in Ol’ Glamorshots’ neighborhood, but for some reason this remind me that the first week of March, 1982, was about the point the list of Reagan administration indictments broke into double digits.
Obamangst
I can’t pronounce that. I am filled with evil, evidently. And jelly donuts.
SWANK: America is the Christian-heritage nation of the planet.
(ITALY enters.)
ITALY: Er. Excuse me?
SWANK: America is the–
ITALY: No, no. I heard you. It’s just… you know… maybe you’ve heard of me?
SWANK: No.
ITALY: Oh. Oh, well… home of the Catholic Church. You know. The original church?
(Greece enters.)
GREECE: Well, maybe not the original
ITALY: Whatever. The point is–
SWANK: Yes, well, America
BRAZIL (off-stage): Excuse me.
SWANK: And who are you?
(BRAZIL enters.)
BRAZIL: Brazil. I live the next continent down?
SWANK: Okay. So?
BRAZIL: So… I was wondering, when you say “America”, do you mean North America? Because here in South America, we have quite a few Christians, and we always have.
ITALY: True. Brazil there has more Catholics than I do. If only because they breed like… well, like Catholics.
(GREECE sniggers.)
SWANK: If I can get back to my point–
ITALY: I say, Brazil, wasn’t Columbia supposed to be coming?
BRAZIL: Columbia stopped off in the bathroom.
ITALY: Oh, dear.
(SWANK places his hands on his hips.)
ITALY: Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just, well… some of us wanted to let you know you might be a bit, well… mistaken.
SWANK: I think not.
GREECE: True enough.
(ITALY and BRAZIL laugh. SWANK does not.)
ITALY: Well, please yourself, then. I hear Spain is making some paella today… interesting dish, I thought I’d stop by and give it a taste.
BRAZIL: Oh, that sounds good!
(ITALY and BRAZIL exit. GREECE makes a rude gesture at SWANK, then follows.)
SWANK: …
SWANK: (to the now-empty room) America is the Christian-heritage nation of the planet…
tls, you have amused me immensely. As has Scott.
Why do so many wingnuts keep using the phrase “cramming health care reform down our throats”? If there was any evidence that they don’t even bother to fucking think for themselves, it’s the tendacy to keep repeating the same phrase over and over. It just proves they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about-they’re just parroting what they’ve heard.
And no matter how many times Swank keeps saying, “Marxist Muslim, Marxist Muslim, rrrawk!”, it doesn’t become true. If we do finally get health care reform, I hope it includes psychiatric care. This guy could truly benefit from it. I wish people would quit enabling his illness.
In each of these, God will work His move
MAKE YOUR TIME.
“Obamangst?”
It’s the latest craze in Japanese animation.
Fox Newscasters in particular are stymied when trying to figure out logical ways to communicate this crazy scene from the White House.
Yes, but they’ve also been known to frequently miss describing floods adequately, until they send Sheppard Smith in. I wouldn’t worry about their illiteracy.
In America, Muslim Obama is Muslim Number One. In Jakarta Obama is not Muslim enough.
In fairness, Louis Farrakhan had a hard time with customs in Jakarta, too.
God is at work through this whole mess. Why?
Cuz he’s pissed there’s no public option in the healthcare bill.
Left by tls on March 9th, 2010
*polite golf clap*
Well played…very well played.
Martini?
Adding my applause in tls’ direction.
Do we have some notion, though, as to whether Swank regards Catholics as crazed idolaters? Because I kinda suspect he does, while secretly being jealous that people listen to the pope all the time.
And of course, Fox seems to be stymied by the simple task of describing politicians correctly with an R or a D, and occasionally mistakes a former congressman for a former congresswoman, but, you know, bless their hearts.
I try to find ways to express myself with humor to avoid screaming. I’m glad other people found it amusing, too. :) (No martini for me, thanks; I shouldn’t drink with the meds I take. But a nice cafe au lait would not go amiss.)
Swank may well fall into the group that doesn’t regard Catholics as “real” Christians. I don’t know. He certainly can’t really argue that America was the first country founded by Christians or that maintains a strong Christian faith and tradition unless he does, so maybe that is his deal.
Of course, I feel that Protestant American Christians who try to pretend that their faith isn’t somehow descended from Catholicism (and it probably is, even if it’s via the Anglicans), or that the Nicene Creed and Apostle’s Creed aren’t basically from the same place (or at least from the direct Catholic precursors) are being disingenuous. I mean, if they want to criticize the Catholic Church, fine by me, but stop pretending they weren’t the precursor to a lot of modern Christian denominations.
Either way, though, Swank’s point is… not much of one. The U.S. may still be majority Christian but it’s actually less so than a lot of other countries. If he does discount the Catholics (and presumably the Orthodox traditions as well), it’s barely a majority. So either he’s got to count the Catholics, in which case a lot of other countries are even more soundly Christian than we are, or he has to face the fact that half of the U.S. is not Christian by his definition, in which case his point falls apart anyhow. (That’s not even taking into account that, unlike some countries, we don’t even have an official state religion, what with the whole first amendment and all.)
I just wish there weren’t so many self-righteous assholes in my religion who seem to know as little about it as they do about other religions.
Of course Swank doesn’t count Catholics as real Christians. Can’t you tell, he is from the Coptic Church in Ethiopia and Eritrea?
TLS,
When I was a lad, a tadpole, and in catechism classes in Lutheran church, we were taught that the Pope was the Antichrist (in keeping with Luther’s personal belief) and the Catholic Church satanic.
So, yea, Swank’s probably got that in the back of his head.
While in a remote cottage occupied by a family of bears, Obama is just Muslim enough.
Damnit, scott, now you owe me for another monitor.
And let me add my two hands to the applause for tls. Well done.
No wonder I hate plumbing so; I didn’t even know the damn thing is called a downdrain.
Gee, maybe Indonesians don’t find Obama Muslim enough because he’s not a Muslim.
“…we were taught that the Pope was the Antichrist…”
AH-HA-HAH-HEM!!!
What, I drop off the planet for a little while, and you’re trying to give my damned job away?!??!?
And no, heydave, it’s not. No such fucking thing. Dare ya to walk into a plumbing-supply house and ask for one.
And, of course, mega kudos to tls for the brilliant one-act play that had me grinning. Okay, so I see no value in organized cults, but I know funny when I see it!
actor212, that’s what Sister Virgiliana taught us little Catholic kids about y’all Lutherans. Oh, and about the Big Clock down in Hell that says, “Always….Never….Always….Never — You will Always stay here — you will Never get out….”
As for Mister Swank, he’s almost as much fun (and about as comprehensible) as R.E.M. lyrics circa “Reckoning”.
What, I drop off the planet for a little while, and you’re trying to give my damned job away?!??!?
One “n”, Annti. Different job.
actor212, that’s what Sister Virgiliana taught us little Catholic kids about y’all Lutherans.
In fairness to the good Sister, I did leave her with child…
anti, have you seen photos of Pop Benedict? The evil is writ large upon his face, as is with Dic Cheney & Daughter. Satan’s mark, as it were.
I don’t know *Who’s* mark is writ upon GBeck’s face. Someone awful, I’m shur.
…by throwing our money into the downdrains.
I’m kinda late to the party, but would like to add that if you throw enough stuff into the downdrains they become updrains, and then you’ll be throwing your money at plumbers instead, so the Swankster will no doubt be comforted that his concerns about drains are self correcting.
With Eric Massa and Larry Craig, it’s the opponents of Obamangst “care” who want to ram-jam things down people’s throats !
If we can’t play God then I call dibs on playing Archangel Gabriel !
Well, in Cuba, protesters fill the air with cries that Obama is not to arrive there because he is not Marxist enough. There you have it. In America, Marxist Obama is Marxist Number One. In Cuba Obama is not Marxist enough.
There… you… have it?
…because I don’t think folding money is capable of delivering a neck-severing paper cut….
Which is why you use a papercut chainsaw–just remember that you’ll be needing the services of a professional money launderer afterwards.

5 comments:

Weird Dave said...

What tls said.

grouchomarxist said...

Yep, tls definitely won that thread. Which is not to imply there wasn't some pretty inspired commenting all round.

If only the good Pastor ran for office! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd sure sport my "I'm a Crank for Swank!" button with pride.

Scott said...

"I'm a Crank for Swank!"

And we have a title for our next Pastor Swank flashback post!

heydave said...

Wow, still fucking weird in historical sight of hind.

heydave said...

Crank my swank must surely be a porn flick.