Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Strong Enough For a Man, But Made For a Really Insecure Man

Excellent news! If there's one thing that's always spoiled the Bible for me, it's the nagging awareness that chicks were also allowed to read it. But now at last we men have got the brawny, brotastic, He-Man Women Haters translation we've all been waiting for, filled no doubt with psalms about the musky joys of the locker room, and Old Testament wisdom about a towel-snap for a towel-snap.


Why we helped create a Bible just for men: It tackles marriage, pornography, friendship
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that someone is finally marketing the Scriptures like Just For Men mustache dye, and I won't deny that the Bible is a remarkably flexible text (note, for instance, the ease with which every side in every war in the history of Christendom has claimed its support). But while it does contain some randy anecdotes, it wouldn't be my first choice when looking for porn. Nevertheless, Rule 34 applies here, and I'm sure there's a sizable minority of masturbators out there who can only get off if someone is reciting a long list of begats.  I'm less confident that Scripture has much to teach us about friendship, however, since the lesson of the Gospels seems to be that even your best buds will sell you out to the cops, or suddenly pretend they don't know you.

Still, the two authors of this piece come with unimpeachable credentials. Col. Art Pace (Ret.) was a chaplain, and Dr. Robert Lewis runs "Men's Fraternity Classic," which I assumed was a golf tournament where rohypnol and GHB are served in the gin rickeys at the 19th Hole. But no, it's actually a video series teaching hapless moral hermaphrodites how to get their Authentic Manhood on.
As two men with extensive backgrounds in men’s ministry service, we were not surprised when American Bible Society’s 2014 State of the Bible survey found that men fall below the national averages of both Bible ownership and readership.
But we're still well above the average in Bible thumpership.
In our day-to-day work interacting with men, it is common to hear of their frustration about reading the Bible—they don’t know where to start, what it means, or how to apply it
Interestingly, many men voice the same frustrations about the clitoris, which is probably where the Bible porn comes in.
Men often find themselves struggling in their marriages, with friendships and with pornography. 
Sometimes all at once, which is usually a sign that you're not a strawman in a Foxnews.com article, but actually a character in a telenovela.
(A 2014 Barna Group survey found that nearly two-thirds of Christian men view porn monthly.)
This proves that despite the often bitter partisan divide between liberal and conservative, secular and religious, we're really not so different, and if fundamentalists only tried a bit harder to live up to their principles I'd enjoy better load times on Pornhub.
Many feel helpless without mentors to turn to and do not realize the Bible has the answers they seek.
This is the most depressing theological argument I've ever read, because if the Bible isn't a compendium of Holy Writ, but is actually a mentor, that means our entire lives are just one long internship, enlivened only by the occasional blowjob for which we'll either be condemned to Hell, or subpoenaed by Ken Starr.
They don’t know what their roles are supposed to be as men—
I think I'm playing the butler with the furtive manner who you're supposed to think is the killer until the end of the second act, when I'm discovered floating in the cistern, a Malay kris in my back.
Even for Christian men, the Bible can be an extremely intimidating book to tackle. After all, it is the Word of God. It contains some pretty heavy stuff. And if you happen to pick up a translation and come across words like satyr, concupiscence and phylacteries, you can forget about reading more than two verses before you’re ready to go throw a football around or make a mess in the garage.
So the Bible turns men into toddlers? That's a surprising, and heretofore unknown to me, effect of the King James translation, but I'm sure it's a claim backed up by rigorous experimentation. Nevertheless, I'd like to verify the ministers' findings with the kind assistance of my audience. Gentlemen? I'm going to say the words "bulrush," "firkin," and "cockatrice," and you tell me at what point you start smearing your poop on the baseboards.
So really, it’s no surprise that men—generally visual learners known for our short attention spans and occasional selective listening—are not particularly excited about reading and owning Bibles.
Men sound like morons. It's a wonder people let us rule the world.
We routinely receive the following questions from men about the Bible: 
1. The Bible was written so many years ago. Is it still really relevant today? Can it really help me with all that I’m struggling with?
Unfortunately not, since you seem to be struggling with a violent reaction to polysyllabic words. Just wait until you get to "ambassage" or "euroclydon" -- your garage is gonna look like a tornado hit an outhouse.
2. Can’t you just give me the highlights? It takes so long for me to read it and my eyes begin to glaze over.
I have the same problem with Atlas Shrugged.
3. When I do want to open my Bible, I don’t know where to go or what to do. Is there an app for that?
Based on your questions so far, it sounds like you might enjoy iFart Mobile - #1 iPhone App - The Premier Fart Application
The problem is, when men go to the local chain or Christian bookstore, the product line-up consists of multiple Bibles for kids, teens and women. Are there some for men? Sure, maybe one or two, but nothing comparable to the selections for the other demographics. 
It appears that retailers know their Bible-buying demographic well, and it isn’t men. But when men do decide to make that purchase, they need something clearly, visibly for them.
Perhaps an action shot of Onan on the cover.

13 comments:

s.z. said...

LOL, Scott. Your Ministry to Stupid Guys Who Poop in Garages is off to a great start. But I do think that Col. Art and Dr. Bob are pitching their wares to the wrong target audience. If they are going after the guys who "want to open my Bible" but "don't know what to do," then they should maybe be selling a video that teaches men how to open books, then perhaps a "Hooked on Phonics" coloring book.

R. Porrofatto said...

It seems to be deficient in the actual text department. It has a "Men's Battle Section," which makes perfect sense, but what are all these completely blank pages saying about men's ability to, you know, read?

Weird Dave said...

I can't quite make out the subliminal image in the cover art but it sorta looks like someone laughing at me.

Yastreblyansky said...

Anybody who needs to know--I did--where the satyrs are, they're in Isaiah 13 in a picture of what Babylon is going to be like after God fucks it up:

20 It shall never be inhabited, neither shall it be dwelt in from generation to generation: neither shall the Arabian pitch tent there; neither shall the shepherds make their fold there.

21 But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and satyrs shall dance there.

22 And the wild beasts of the islands shall cry in their desolate houses, and dragons in their pleasant palaces: and her time is near to come, and her days shall not be prolonged.

Only in the old King James, the stupid moderns have turned the satyrs into "shaggy goats" and the dragons into "jackals", presumably in the hope of making it more "believable". I say a man's man wants some of those satyrs and dragons, or how are they going to compete with Game of Thrones?

Li'l Innocent said...

"But we're still well above the average in Bible thumpership."

Oh, man, did I need that LOL!

And so did Flower and Bambi, btw.

Li'l Innocent said...

Not one, not two, but multiple bellylaughs in this one, Scott. You're about a mover, my man!

It's amazing, when you consider that from the days of the Septuagint right thru to the King James, I will bet you dollars to doughnuts there was not one chick translator/scholar involved, ever -- and yet the result of all that manly effort is to come up with something that, today, only ladies and little kids (and gays, too, probably) are able to read without breaking out in a combo of flop-sweat, jock-itch and hives? How have we come to this pass? Could Fox News have anything to do with it??

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

God hates shrimp.

Therefore, I shall have nothing to do with Him or Her. Good Day.
~

Zarathustra said...

The 'BuyBull' does very little for me... I'd rather go straight for the Porn... From the very beginning, in Genesis... the BuyBull loses me when it describes how the the Earth was made... before the Stars and the Sun.

heydave said...

The more heft to the book, the more you can hide in its pages.

grouchomarxist said...

words like satyr, concupiscence and phylacteries

What odd choices for tricky Bible words, although I guess if you're the kind of moron they've evidently got in mind as buyers of their simplified testosterone-enhanced version, the last one might sound like something you'd get from a truck stop vending machine.

Carl said...

1) Thou shalt not work Sundays. Sundays are for football. And beer.

2) See Commandment number 1.

3) See Commandment number 1.

4) See Commandment number 1.

5) See Commandment number 1.

6) See Commandment number 1.

7) See Commandment number 1.

8) See Commandment number 1.

9) See Commandment number 1.

10) Oh, and something something something neighbor's wife. But you can still peek in the bedroom window when she's alone.

Carl said...

2014 State of the Bible

Oy.

ckc (not kc) said...

...nearly two-thirds of Christian men view porn monthly

first Thursday - wife's at choir practice