Sunday, December 21, 2014

Sunday Sermonette: It's Swankronicity!

I'm basically the Anti-Dixie Chicks -- people always tell me to shut up and not sing -- so even around the holidays, when certain papal dispensations are made for the tone-deaf, I don't go caroling, or accompany the radio, and probably haven't given voice to any Christmas-related composition since third grade, when each class would troop onto the stage of the multi-purpose cafetorium and murder a selection from the Great American Songbook in turn.   But I was standing in line at the grocery store, waiting to buy a bag of cat food (the slightly fancier brand that Moondoggie prefers, since several of the very kind folks who've contributed to our fundraiser earmarked a portion of the proceeds for his upkeep), when I noticed the holiday muzak droning over the loudspeakers, and out of sheer boredom tried to sing along (in my head). This is what I got:

I'll be home for Christmas,
You can pounce on me,
Mistletoe,
And Mop & Glo,
And strangers in a tree

This is about where I called it quits. Anyway, the apparent lesson here is: Christmas caroling -- it's not like riding a bicycle.

In other news, it's Sunday, which means it's time for the next link in the chain of Swank columns I forged in life, and what do you know, this one contains the only known Swank-related reference to a dreidel!

Don’t Start The Armegeddon Without Me

Posted by scott on June 5th, 2009

Nothing has been heard from World O’ Crap spiritual adviser J. Grant Swank since May 1, and we were becoming fearful, since the only things on this earth which could interfere with his writing are serious illness, or good mental health.  Apparently, it’s not the latter.  Here’s the first paragraph:
That’s right.
Oh…Okay then, guess we’re done here.  Thanks for coming, everybody!
There’s enough evil in the world and enough nuclear blow up on the planet that by now we should have been blown to smithereens.
“Nuclear blow,” of course, is cocaine which has not been excessively cut with baking soda and Vitamin B.  “Nuclear blow up” is, I guess, an inflatable model of Chernobyl you can have sex with?
However, we are still here. Explain why.
And show your work.
It is because the God of the Bible made this creation and maintains it.
Which is why our HOA dues are so steep.
One day and hour He will leave the right hand of the Father’s throne in heaven to return to His turf.
Hopefully this time he won’t take a shiv to the gut from Bernardo at the end of the first act.
Because this is His property, He sees to it that it is still here. That’s the Alpha and Omega of the question: Why is the globe still spinning?
So basically the Earth is a dreidel God’s parents gave him for Hanukkah.  Let’s hope he doesn’t get bored with it, or distracted by those chocolate coins!
God has deemed it so. God is God. God has decreed that though the human population is wicked and the nuclear pantries are full to overflowing, no mortal will have the say as to what occurs on His property. The deed belongs to Him.
During the 50s and 60s, of course, God was a big fan of atmospheric nuclear testing. But hey, it was his property, and it cut down on the need for lawn maintenance.
If there is any proof that there is a God it is that the world is still here. That is empirical evidence.
Thanks, Francis Bacon.
Anyway, the rest of the piece concludes with a list of Bible quotes in an obvious effort by the pastor to beef up his empirical bona fides, but hey, it’s just nice to have him back.  Now I’m gonna go see if I can straighten up those nuclear pantries before we have an accident and God and I wind up on The People’s Court.
(Fundraiser explanation here)

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