Monday, February 24, 2014

Post-POST Friday Beast Blogging: OMFG What Is It?!

I, for one, do NOT welcome our arachnid overlords!

I really don't know what the hell this is.  Honestly.  I'm wishin', and hopin', and prayin', in my naive, small town gal kind of way, that it's just some Photoshop project that escaped from Fark. But I'm more than content to believe it's a candid shot of a dragonfly sodomizing a wolf spider -- partly because that would give Rick (Man on Dog) Santorum a fresh new mésalliance to fear, but particularly because the alternative is a world in which the rain not only brings earthworms out of the lawn, but aerodynamic tarantulas divebombing out of the sky!

Anyway...What do you guys think?

Saturday, February 22, 2014

The Crappiest Place on Earth


Woah. In the early days, Disneyland looked like every other desolate, depressive, heat scorched, hellscape of a County Fair, except, perhaps, that the carnies' pants had more pleats, and fewer suspicious stains.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Ass/Counter-Ass Edition

MOONDOGGIE:  You don't think I have a huge ass that's threatening to conquer the apartment, do you Mr. Ticklepuss?  No?  You don't?  You think it's slim, sleek, and attractive?  Why thank you very much.  And I think yours is also pert and lovely...

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Friday Beast-Blogging: The "I Fight Big Butts And I Cannot Lie" Edition

RILEY:  You ever seen The Monolith Monsters?

RILEY:  It's this old sci-fi movie about alien crystals that destroy everything they touch? And eventually they form this gigantic wall that spreads remorselessly across the landscape, crushing everything in its path?

 RILEY: That's what it's like in this apartment, except with cat ass.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Duke Funnel: For All Your Selwyn Duke Needs

In the wake of Larry Pratt's appearance on internet radio show "Selwyn Duke's Music to Love Guns By," I see we're getting quite a few people visiting from Wonkette (thanks for the plug, Actor212), and elsewhere, looking for information on Mr. Duke.  Well, we're always glad to facilitate a little weekend time-wasting, not to mention the sweet satisfaction to be derived from introducing an obscure but deserving wingnut to a wider world.  So here you go...Please enjoy the World O' Crap Selwyn Duke Chrestomathy:

Minorities Are the Disease, Selwyn Duke is the Cure


Set the Metaphor MixMaster on "Julienne!"

Personality: The Cheaper Alternative to Birth Control

TCB PDQ For Your TTB. QED!

By Keith

Time for “Ticking Time Bomb” (aka “TTB”)

Dear readers, gentle as you are, twenty-some years ago your correspondent began the “Cliche of the Month Club” betwixt friends, simply for shits and giggles.

“Cliche of the Month” focused on the tired, worn and shabby such as “Recipe for Disaster”, “Straw that Broke Camel's Back”, “Ticking Time Bomb” etc. But only if used by reputable news sites containing original reporting.

Some turns of speech became unbearable to pursue. Curiously “Ticking Time Bomb” remained durable and useful to interested readers and so I'm sharing this, perhaps my first attempt at blogging back in the day, with WO'C.

It's now early evening, February 7, 2014 and planet Mercury is steadfast in retrograde motion. Do not fear. This is not an indication of imminent doom. (If you have electronic appliances that need repair wait another week or two, 'tho.)


Here's a respectable example of a “TTB”.

Story originates from WZZM – the local ABC news affiliate in Grand Rapids, MI. Residents are very concerned with the amount of accumulated snow in their hood. And it's not just the snow but the amount of water contained in snow available for run-off in the spring time. These folk are sitting atop a “TTB.” They surely won't be singing “It Might As Well Be Spring” this year. This is acceptable usage of “TTB.”


Next up: Ken Krapf of Tuscon, AZ. Upon inspection, readers or viewers might reasonably assume this article is about heart disease in women and, possibly, negligence of women's heart health in clinical studies.

But there's a hidden agenda.

Mr. Krapf's heart was a, well, “TTB.” This report and video content originate from the local NBC affiliate KVOA of Tucson, AZ. This example is one of the worst offenders of “Da Bomb.”


Did you know that the African nation of Kenya contains a Ticking Time Bomb? I didn't until I read this report from Al Jazeera concerning unemployment amongst youth. We're getting to the good stuff here as this news organization has money from Allah. “TTB” certainly not appropriate. Where, oh where, are the headline editors? (They're in Northern Iraq, getting laid and drinking wine and spirits, heh-heh.)

But there's even more. And it's from the creme de la crème of news reporting. Why Gov. Christie of New Jersey—a state renown for sleazy, sketchy individuals elected to public service—would warrant the “TTB” badge is beyond my comprehension, except for the fact that he's in fact probably the best next thing to an unexploded hydrogen bomb at two miles altitude and ready to fuse.

But still, the Guardian? Wasn't expecting this one.

In conclusion one never knows where the next ticking time bomb might lurk. It will most likely be in an advice column from “about.com” or “answers.yahoo.com” but quite possibly Le Monde (as bombe à retardement). If you see one—stay away. Or forward on to Scott.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Heydave!

Well, I've missed the deadline on my script, and am now well into breach of contract territory, so I probably shouldn't tarry, but I just learned some happy news that I wanted to share: our old friend Heydave got married yesterday.

I don't have many details, but when I asked if I could post an announcement on Wo'C, Dave -- well-acquainted as he is with the habits and interests of the average Crapper -- thought you might enjoy hearing that Wally...
(That's Wally on the left, with his buddy, Z)

..."sat on my foot while we were exchanging vows in front of our fire place."

So please join me in lifting a toast to the happy couple!