Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Crappy Holidays, From World O'Crap!

So, here we are, firmly ensconced into January, 2015. You might think that the holiday season, like a high fever, has finally broken, and you're out of the woods.  Your doctor has given you a clean bill of calendar, and your tests came back holiday free!

[Jack Palance voice] Think...again!

Like your kitchen, when you snap on the light, surprising all those cockroaches you didn't know were partying there in the middle of the night; every month of the year is lousy with holidays, ranging from  "Historic Holidays of Significance" to "I Defy You to Explain to Me Why This is Even a Holiday" holidays, which are historically the hardest to shop for.

Allow me, MaryC, to go over select feasts, fetes, and fiestas, and let you know which are worthy of celebration, and which are just...really...not necessary. At all. (Be advised, some of these holidays have passed. But, since they're just made up, you can celebrate them anytime!)

January 8th: Male Watchers Day (I see what you did there, you phony holiday creator you!)

It's not as objectifying as it sounds, although an image search did have THIS as a first listing:


However, on further investigation, I found this helpful graphic:


Yes, you better get tested for any STDs, because who knows what kind of disease you got from...watching... hot guys? All that aside, nice of Emma Stone to volunteer as the Spokesperson for Ocular Gonorrhea .

January 9th: Play God Day Also known as "Supervillain Appreciation Day."

Apparently, nobody really knows what this holiday is for.  It's either a day for creating life, or a day for Cos-Playing as a Doctor.

Preferably, the Tenth Doctor. Just because I think  he's cute

Interestingly, in the Supervillain community, this holiday is known as "Take Your Daughter to Your Work Day," which is why so many secret international criminal organizations maintain pretty nifty day care centers in their extinct volcanoes.

January 17th:  Ditch New Year's Resolutions Day

AKA, The Easiest Holiday of the Year.

Interesting factoids for this holiday:

Flower of the Day: Avocado - grow them indoors!

Recipe of the Day: Herb Wine Sauce
My guess? If you vowed to give up fats and alcohol for 2015, then the day you ditch that resolution should include a meal with avocados and an Herb Wine Sauce.  Also, the most ardent celebrants of this holiday are people so lazy they cultivate their avocados indoors so they can harvest them without moving from the couch during The Price Is Right.

So what are your plans for the holiday?  And how did you spend Male Watcher's Day this year?  (I imagine that one is a pretty simple day of devotion to discharge, at least for you males, since all you'd need to do is put up a mirror beside your computer and just watch yourself out of the corner of your eye all day like a parakeet. )

29 comments:

Jimbo said...

Who creates such obscure, baroque holidays with extra detail sauce? And is any of this "official" (as in our thoroughly useless Congress)?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

It's official once it's on WoC, Jimbo.
~

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

What Thunder said.

And as GAAWWWGEOUS as the 10th Doctor is ("cute" doesn't even BEGIN to describe the beauty that is David... that boy is DROOL-INSPIRING and talented as hell, to boot!), I'll still always be a Matty girl --- Matt Smith is the one & only reason that I *ever* got into "Dr. Who"!!! Granted, I never had DirecTV or cable BEFORE Matty's 2nd season, so I hadda watch a helluva lotta reruns (why in the HELL won't they EVER show any of the Eccleston episodes?!?!?!) to get a clue about the show.

And I will ALWAYS be pissed that Matty only got THREE FUCKIN' SEASONS, whereas David had SEVEN (understandable, though I wish that they'd have let him use his real Scot accent!!!), though poor Christopher Eccleston only got ONE... Yeah, yeah, the Doctor's high-and-mighty fucking "50th Jubilee" but why does that mean that lovely, lanky Matt Smith hasta get FUCKED OUTTA THE GIG and REPLACED BY A SHORT FUCKING SICILIAN?!?!?!?? Cannot fucking STAND the "new" alleged "Doctor," what-the-fuck-SOEVER. Probably why "Clara" bailed on the show or that douchebag Moffat had her replaced. The Sicilian midget is, reportedly, a bigger diva than Elton John. Not exactly a "team player," which, on a duet-to-ensemble-cast show like this, is kinda fucking MANDATORY.

BRING BACK MATT SMITH, DAMMIT!!!!!!

As to the "holidays," dear Mary: loathe avocados, can't drink wine, and there are NO watchable/watch-worthy males anywhere in my entire neighborhood (unless you're into JAIL BAIT, which does not appeal on ANY level, at least not w/me), so I'm shit outta luck on "enjoying" the holidays described thus far. What else ya got? National Hand-Puppet Day? Cats As Our Alien Overlords Week? Well, that's a year-round activity, obviously, but I'm sure that they expect a fuckin' parade at some point...

Anonymous said...

P.S. TO ANNTI sez...

Also, when they still showed "Dr. Who" on PBS, way back 100 years ago when I was a "kid," it was the wooly-headed one with the big floofy sweater & the curlicue scarf (not the iconic thirty-feet-long striped scarf from one of the other doctors, which played a cameo during the "Gallifrey Falls No More" episodes) --- and there was just something CREEPY about the ol' coot (well, to a kid, thirty-something WAS "old"!) running around with a bunch of KIDS as his "companions" --- and the "technology" of the show then was cheaper/less-realistic than "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE"!!!!!! So I was a snob, sue me. And that was even AFTER they'd given-up on the stoopid fuckin' robot dog!

And yes, I'm talking about the old Doctor who was in the Gallifrey episodes as a "curator" @ the English Museum (or whatever it's called) where the 3-D Time Lord Art was hanging, whose last line was, "Who Knows? WHO NOSE..."

Brilliant shit.

Sue me.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Sheesh. People get wound up, don't they?

As someone once sang in another venerated sic-fi show "...just tell yourself it's just a show, you should really just relax"

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

You got a problem with me, Zombie Boy?

Passive-aggressive doesn't play with me, hon, just come the fuck out and SAY IT.

Weird Dave said...

Relevant?

Dr.BDH said...

January 17th is also my aunt's 99th birthday, so we'll be celebrating that, but giving up on those New Year's resolutions should make it easier to eat, drink and be merry while doing so.

heydave said...

And here I thought that was Mail Watching Day and stayed ever vigilant for the approach of the USPS.

acrannymint said...

um, I think Matt Smith wanted to leave.

KWillow said...

It looked to me like the Dr.Who producers/writers were going to make Clara the new Doctor. The actress had the charisma and energy to make it work, and it would answer some questions about the character. I guess they chickened out, chose some old guy instead.

grouchomarxist said...

And then there's the holiday tailor-made for us sickos:

Weasel Stomping Day

Remember: "It's tradition, that makes it okay!"

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

"Passive-aggressive doesn't play with me, hon, just come the fuck out and SAY IT."

No prob, annti. Just a little joshing amongst compadres.

I don't mind the new Doc so much. Kind of like his bristly attitude. YOU got a problem with THAT?

Scott said...

I don't mind Peter Capaldi (not a Matt Smith fan), but I was astonished to realize this crusty old bastid was the gawky young Scot mooning over a mermaid in Local Hero. Also, I thought it was funny when he popped up in World War Z as the first face you see in the besieged World Health Organization complex. "Hey, Who works for WHO!" (In my own defense, it was the middle of the night and this movie had been punching me in the face for like a hour already...)

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

Weird Dave & GrouchoMarxist? I am SO gonna bookmark those for when I can finally view video on this thang again... don'tcha just LOVE it when those "Windows Updates" sneak in without your permission and you can NO LONGER EVER EVER ***EVER*** VIEW VIDEO MORE COMPLICATED THAN A GIF?!?!?!! Fuck Bill Gates.

And yeah, I got several problems with Capaldi. Gnaws the scenery, has to stand on a box to be taller than "Clara," hadda have a red-satin-lined waistcoat to make him "look" taller, and, oh yeah, he's fugly.

I'd rather see GARY BUSEY attempt The Doctor than wade through an entire, awkward, clumsy, painful episode with the unwanted Sicilian. And you can say that he was "raised" Scot, but check the bloodlines.

Doc Logan said...

Just wondering how a guy who's 4 inches taller than me and a scant four years older becomes an elderly dwarf. I'm still trying to work out why I need to prove I'm not a robot, I don't need the pressure.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

Doc, dear heart, you don't believe the press packets or Wikipedia vitals, do you? Honestly?

Watch the transition episode when gorgeous young Matty turns into shriveled-up midget Capaldi. In THAT episode, they obviously hadn't rehearsed or done blocking often enough to realize that even with special camera angles, prop boxes & digital alterations, that CLARA WAS NOW *TALLER* than THE "DOCTOR"!!! They work around it/edit it differently after that, but yup, he was a dwarf in the Vesuvius episode back during David's reign, and he still is. If he's "5'10" or "6 feet" as some allege, then I'm a 7-foot-tall anorexic supermodel astronaut. The Sicilian is 5'7", tops.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

ANNTi, lov ya, but sheesh I just hope you relax a bit. It's a fracking TV show. It means nothing.

Relax and be good to yourself.

And I like Capaldi. Got tired of Matt Smith, although I liked him too at the outset.

But that's a personal thing. I ain't attacking you about it.

FWIW, I had kinda hoped that Clara was going to be the next Dr. The rumors of Idris Elba were also OK, but I could see it wan't going to happen.

In any case, I am not attacking you, either passively or frontally. Believe me, if I come at you, you will know it! Saying that in the most friendsomest way...

Doc Logan said...

People like what they like, the way they like it. Annti probably feels the same way about Doctor Who as I felt about Wall of Voodoo after Stan Ridgway left. You can call it Wall of Voodoo, but you ain't fooling me.

I don't mind Capaldi. My first Doctor was Peter Cushing, and he was hardly a teenager at the time.

Scott said...

So Doc, was your first exposure to Who in a movie theater? Or did you catch that weird ass Daleks movie on TV?

(My first Doctor was the "Kung Fu Rod Stewart," John Pertwee, during a marathon I stumbled upon on WNET, Channel 13 in New York.)

Doc Logan said...

Scott, I saw the two Dr. Who films as a child. A local theater had a summertime matinee series, so harried parents could deposit their children in a theater for three hours and attempt to get in touch with what remained of their sanity. The movie was always a secret (we learned to cheer when the Toho logo appeared, we were like Pavlov's kaiju loving dogs). I not only saw the two Cushing Who films, but I got to see "War of the Gargantuas" on the big screen. You may now envy me.

The Cushing films are not official canon, I know. I'm so old, I remember when you could enjoy movies and comics without annotated guides and debates over every bit of minutiae.

Scott said...

I saw the two Dr. Who films as a child.

Wait...there were two Cushing Doctor Who films?

I got to see "War of the Gargantuas" on the big screen. You may now envy me.

Envy commencing on my mark...

I'm so old, I remember when you could enjoy movies and comics without annotated guides and debates over every bit of minutiae.

There were concerts in the park...People seemed to laugh more then...

Doc Logan said...

Wait...there were two Cushing Doctor Who films?

Yes, "Dr. Who and the Daleks" and "Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.". Which I have just discovered, are both available as VOD from Rifftrax.

Speaking of shows with rabidly partisan fans of lead actors...

Scott said...

Speaking of shows with rabidly partisan fans of lead actors...

Good point. And like The Doctor, which host one prefers is often determined by which one you saw first.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI seethes...

First of all, MAJOR props, kudos & appreciation to Doc Logan, for not merely empathizing on the fan axis, but also for actually paying attention to what I'm **SAYING,** as opposed to dismissing me and everything that I've said/opined as "NOTHING."

Doc just fucking GETS IT.


I cannot say the same for others.

Zombie, you obviously don't know jack fucking shit about me, my life, or the shit that I must wade & shuffle through every miserable remaining fucking day of my so-called life, or however long the sarcoidosis & the rapidly-accelerating brain death (entire left hemisphere, including cerebellum, GONE, motherfucker, FLAT-OUT FUCKING ***GONE***!!!!!!) decide to drag out the next four to six years, or if I'm REALLY fucking unlucky & accursed, EIGHT. I really don't want those last 2 years, if they happen, 'cause I will NOT become Terri Fucking SCHIAVO.

Hopefully, at least one or twelve of my dearly-beloveds will, should such circumstances arise, do the Big Chief bit for me, as the giant Indian did for Nicholson in "Cuckoo's Nest" after they ECT'ed his ass into becoming a professional drooler.

I'll spare you the multiple failed spine surgeries (7), the still-shattered parts, the nerve branches on the outside of the spine that are crimped like a bad 1988 "wave" iron, and the story of how my still-fucked since May of '14 left knee was recently RE-BROKEN FOR ME. And I gotta find a fucking LAWYER, in LOUISIANA.

I merely mention a portion of the torment of my daily "life," such as it is, for you to understand how those very RARE TV shows, which actually engage one's MIND, empathy & emotions, but especially the remaining/functional brain cells, of which there are not many (spare me homilies, y'all didn't know me before the closed-head injury, when I was SKEERY-SMART, as in, electronic-engineering-scholarship-from-the-Air-Force, so that I could go play out in the desert @ JPL with REALLY FAST, REALLY BIG TOYS fucking SMART. I will never see that again, and I never got to MIT in the first fucking place, thanks to cut brakes in my first car.). There are FUCK-ALL/very fucking FEW TV shows that do this anymore. Vincent D'Onofrio got fucked outta "L&O: Criminal Intent," "The X-Files" have been over for way longer than when they were finally cancelled, and there are fuck-all shows with heart-rending unrequited loves, brilliantly-almost-plausible warpings of ACTUAL science whilst being filled with enough REAL science to actually allow the viewer to suspend disbelief for an hour or so --- let alone with BRILLIANT actors who make you laugh, HARD, and cry within one twelve-minute segment.

"Dr. Who," with Matt Smith and David Tennant, was one such rarity, and I'm damned fond of it, which is neither a failure nor a weakness on my part. It is a deep and abiding appreciation for beautiful young men who do awe-inspiringly brilliant work. Yeah, yeah, most of the writers did damned well, too, despite Moffat, but the CHARACTERS were built by some remarkable actors in the entire ensemble casts. (CONT'D)

Anonymous said...

ANNTI's still pissed...

(CONT'D)

Mock TV viewers/fans all the fuck that you want, Zombie, it seems to me that you are perhaps projecting thoughts about your own time spent in front of the "boob toob," of which you are most disdainful. Whatever your STILL passive-aggressive-as-a-hausfrau-at-a-Tupperware-party motivations, son, I honestly don't give a fuck. When I can find a show good enough to draw me out of MY shit life and distract me from the agony that no pain meds ever even TOUCH, I am damned grateful. Can't afford to go to the movies, can't even afford NetFlix since they doubled the price. It's my TV & my video/DVD collection or nothing. Can't drink, never go out, have no social life, and there is no spoken-word/poetry-reading circuit like there was in '97 - 2002.

So if you think that my enjoyment and attention to "Dr. Who" and my opinions & right to defend those are "nothing" and as negligible as the ravings of some cult-worshiping fanatic, then you haven't understood, let alone GROKKED, a word that I've ever fucking said, Zombie boy.

Because I love & respect Scott, Mary & Sheri, and would NEVER add to their already-fucking-INHUMAN load of agony, stress & heartache, I've rescinded 90% of what I'd LIKE to say about your smug, condescending-bordering-on-misogyny, dismissive attitude towards a bitch that you OBVIOUSLY do not understand would HAPPILY rip off your head and shit down your neck, FOR STARTERS.

Scott alone has had his heart broken so many fucking times in the past 3 months that I don't even know how he's still BREATHING, bless his indefatigable heart & soul. A knife fight in his home/living room would not help that, in the fucking least. Ergo, I walk away from what I'd *like* to do and what I would be, by most metrics, moral & otherwise, fully-justified in doing.

Be grateful for huge favors.

acrannymint said...

Tom Baker will always be the Doctor to me

Woodrowfan said...

perhaps it's because I am rapidly reaching the "too old for this crap" age myself, I really like the new Doctor. Liked the previous new guys too.

Keith said...

Hey, Mary, I may have been working from home on January 8th so missed Male Watching day. In our time we called it "crotch cruising Tuesdays" but that was only for visits to Wake Forest Univ. Things change.

But did ditch the tired New Year's resolutions sometime around the 17th, possibly because I was in bed hibernating.