Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Top 10 Tricks For Enjoying Your Stay In NYC!

By Keith

10. Bring all of your money. The registers never stop ringing in New Amsterdam.

9.  Practice holding both hands above head for extended periods.

8.  Your immigrant cab driver holds two Ph.D. degrees. Please be respectful.

7.  Use best judgment when peeing in public spaces.

6.  Rats, pigeons, squirrels and racoons may be aggressive. No citations issued for kicking critters off-leash. Relax and enjoy.

5.  When in Manhattan, do not visit the “Holland Bar” located south of Port Authority Bus Terminal without escort.

4.  Only Boston has worse drivers behind the wheel.

3.  New York City is built upon a granite foundation that has higher mass per sq/in than, say, Kansas. Gravity is much more powerful. Bring comfortable footwear.

2.  Ray didn't invent pizza, after all.

1. If you say something, see something.

6 comments:

Weird Dave said...

Based on a true story...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

0.5 Do not taunt Happy Fun Police. (Note: mere existence may be considered a taunt by HFP.)
~

Dr.BDH said...

"Only Boston has worse drivers behind the wheel."

But New York still rules when it comes to backseat drivers!

Li'l Innocent said...

"Only Boston has worse drivers behind the wheel."

Never been to Montreal, eh?

Or are we being US-ist here.

As to the granite foundation of Mannnahatta, that's all very well, but it is now honeycombed by the subways, utility lines, secret tunnels for fleeing investment bankers etc etc. It has also been extensively excavated by alligators and South American waterbugs. I went thru several years of formal schooling in lower Manhattan while wearing high-heeled vinyl hippie boots and never felt a twinge.

Doc Logan said...

Also, do your best to avoid pimps and CHUDs.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Rats, pigeons, squirrels and racoons may be aggressive.

On the other hand, the coyotes are well-behaved.