Thursday, March 26, 2015

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

By Bill S., Your Birthday Concierge

Today, we celebrate the birthday of World O'Crap's own MaryC, contributing writer to the site and companion of Scott C. (Their portmanteau name is Scary CC, which is also the name of their rap duo alter egos.)

As always I need to select a suitable gift, and where better than the ever dependable Carol Wright Gifts catalog. Let's see what we have this year.

BELL & HOWELL ULTRASONIC PEST REPELLER (buy 2 for $19.99, get two FREE) Uses ultrasonic signals that you can't hear, but drives pests out of your living space...Use one in each room!

So they get driven out of one room and into another, only to be driven into another room, where they'll once again flee. I guess the idea is to have them run from room to room trying to escape, until they either drop dead from exhaustion, or go mad and commit suicide. That seems cruel, even to bugs. Why not try doing what my older brother did when we were kids, and blast Emerson, Lake & Palmer's Brain Salad Surgery album over and over. I don't know it works on bugs, but it certainly drove ME out of the house every time. (I can't say whether that was the goal, or just a bonus.)

EMERSON CLOCK RADIO (only $24.99) Never worry about setting the time on your clock -- even after power failures and daylight saving time. This clock sets the time and date the moment you plug it in.

That's scary. A sentient clock. It knows what time you have to get up. Maybe it knows...when you're going to DIE!

SET OF THREE DESIGNER READING GLASSES (only $6.99)
Because when you're at home, curled up on a sofa reading a book, you wanna look stylish while doing it.

STRIPED SEERSUCKER CAPRIS (as low as $9.99)
Perfect for rocking the Laura Petrie look! (ottoman for your spouse to trip over not included.)

WIPE NEW "As Seen On TV" (only $19.99)
"Bring Back The Showroom Shine!"

Yes. I totally believe you can restore the luster of you car with a one and a half ounce bottle of liquid whatever-it-is and a q-tip.

LIQUID QUIVER "Made Especially For Women" (our price $12.99) This fast-acting herbal supplement will have you shivering with sexual desire within 15 minutes!

Cuing up any scene from Arrow where Stephen Amell has his shirt off can have the same effect in 15 seconds.

Just add to any beverage. No side effects and no unpleasant taste.

Holy shit, this sounds like some kind of date-rape drug!

FEEL THE PASSION AGAIN! "Spice up your love life with fun positions you never thought of trying in 101 Sexual Positions for Lovers. For added pleasure watch Exploring Sexual Boundaries, a collection of three erotic films. Includes guidance from Dr. Lori Buckley, renowned clinical psychologist. DVD set approx. 200 minutes" (set of two, $19.99)

Perfect! I've always felt that the one thing missing from porn was a commentary from a doctor!

I'm not sure which of these will be the best gift. I guess we'll let our birthday girl decide.

In any case, have a Super-Terrific Birthday, MaryC!
-Bill S.

[Note from Scott: Sexy Birthday Lizard!]
Oh crap! I forget to buy a card!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wut? Am I first?
I haven't been around much - well I have been around every day but I have been too depressed to type, so I apologise.
But it's Mary's Birthday ! So I make the extreme effort to say :
Mary dear, have a great day and a wonderful year. Get healthy, thrive,live long and prosper etc etc
You deserve it.
Best to Scott and Moondoggie.
Luv
Suezboo

M. Bouffant said...

I think the ultrasonic pest repeller may be the best, & very useful:
30 new species of flies discovered buzzing Los Angeles.

But enough of the serious: Many happy returns! It's a new yr., & it's going to be much better!

s.z. said...

Great job, Bill! I think those are exactly the kinds of presents that Mary has been wanting all year. I'll chip in a few bucks to get the pest repeller, because pests are everywhere these days.

And Happy Birthday, Mary! I hope that this years brings you all the good things that you deserve, and none of the bad ones that you don't.

maryclev said...

Thanks, you guys! I gotta say, the pest repeller is mighty tempting--we've got a lot of gnats that need repelling. Problem is, Scott's grandmother had one, and I could actually hear it. So I guess that made me a pest?

Dr.BDH said...

Happy Birthday, Mary! Be careful with the candles on your cake. With the luck you guys have been having, they could ignite your hair when you lean over to blow them out while wishing for the pest repeller.

heydave said...

Happy birthday!

(Yeah, that was almost too succinct, if not outride terse. Beyond the trenchant, bordering on the brusque. What can I say? Work really fucks up your intertubes time...)

acrannymint said...

Happy Birthday Mary. Go for the liquid quiver - the other quiver(fuls) are totally asshats - I'm looking at you Duggars

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Happy Merry, Mary!

P.S. I wouldn't go for the zapper. You need something modern, like a computer controlled laser thinghie.
~

grouchomarxist said...

Happy birthday, Mary! Here's hoping this next year will be a major improvement on the last one.

You might be interested to know it took the makers of "Liquid Quiver" a fair amount of trial-and-error before they hit upon that brand name. First they tried "Liquid Oscillation", which focus-grouped well with mathematicians, but nobody else. After that came the twin disasters of "Liquid Convulsion" and "Liquid Spasm". Then, finally, with "Liquid Tremor" they knew they were on the right track.

And now you know ... the rest of the story.

Doc Logan said...

I'm late to the party (as usual), but I'm hoping my rotten internet service stays up long enough for me to congratulate Mary on what I hope was a magnificent birthday, and extend my fondest hopes and wishes that the upcoming year will be magnificent.

Li'l Innocent said...

Hey, I'm even later, and that won't deter me from wishing you great good fortune, booming prosperity, health and good humor, and plenty of quivering for the 362 upcoming days of your personal year, Mary. You deserve all the good stuff spiritually as well as in the realm of pest control. I must say that Birthday Lizard looks like a good start!

AnnPW said...


Happy Birthday Mary!!

I dunno, I think I'd go with that clock radio. If it can automatically set the time AND tell you when to wake up, I bet it can zap bugs too. And if you place it juuust right, you might not need the "Liquid Quiver" either...just sayin'.....