Thursday, April 30, 2015

Libs Shellacked By Schlichter!

You may remember Kurt Schlichter, the ex-Army Man, former stand-up comedian, current lawyer, and alleged pundit who wants all those dusky layabouts who might -- if Obama gets his way -- possibly one day attend community college at government expense to pay for the privilege now by washing his BMW (I know the prĂ©cis doesn't make much sense, but trust me, it's funnier in the original Gibberish).

Well, Kurt's back, and this time he's standing athwart History, pursing his lips and shaking his head like a highchair-bound toddler refusing to grant access to a spoonful of strained peaches.
Conservatives, Unleash the Awesome Power of "No" 
We decent Americans are bombarded with lies, libeled, and subjected to petty (and, increasingly, not so petty) tyrannies by government flunkies.
Admittedly, this kind of thing was great during the Bush Administration, especially the first few months of the Iraq War, but now that the flunky's on the other foot, it's not quite as much fun.  (Also, when did we become a country that could be tyrannized by flunkies? I remember when that kind of thing required a bully.)
 At every turn, liberals and their suck-ups in the media and academia seek to delegitimize our interests, concerns, and opinions.
The important takeaway here is that when it comes to sucking, a good sense of direction is vital. If you want to be successful, always suck up, never suck down.
 They want us to submit
That's not really my scene, but hey, I'll try anything once. (Fyi, my safe word is "Snausages").
to take the easy way out, to just go along. Our fate, they decree, is cultural and political dhimmitude.
Well, you do sound like a bit of a dhimbulb. 
Well, it’s time to draw a red line and, unlike President Feckless and the Wimptones, to enforce it.
And while you're forcing the world to obey your crayon etchings, I'll just jump in here and mention that the remastered President Feckless and the Wimptones: Live at the Apollo is now available on iTunes.
Conservatives, it’s time to say, “No.”
Of course, for conservatives, "No" means "Maybe" (if she's had a drink) or "Yes" (if an insurance company pays for her birth control pills) so there's still a little wiggle room.
No, liberals, you can’t just lie about us anymore without us pushing back. 
Ah yes. With your every effort at diplomacy rebuffed, you've finally concluded that you have no alternative but to strike back at liberal lies with lies about liberals. It's a bold battle plan, and would no doubt benefit from the element of surprise if you hadn't basically been pulling this exact same shit since the Gilded Age.
The days of surrender in the face of your slander are over.
While the days of surroundsound in the service of slashfic are just beginning.  Anyway, now that you've monologued your whole evil plan, we might as well get on with it. Hit me with your best lies...
No, liberals, you are the racists. 
It's a Shyamalanian twist!
Your party created the Klan. 
And yet I never see those guys in their pointy white hoods at the weekly Comintern meeting. By the way, what's the statue of limitations on this kind of thing? Are we still responsible for them if they haven't paid their party dues since 1964?
Your party created and enforced Jim Crow. 
And abolished it under a Democratic President, which to be fair makes the Democrats less like ordinary villains, and more like the sympathetic supervillain who earns redemption by destroying his own abomination in the final reel. Sort of like Doc Ock in Spider-Man 2 (I realize this is a fairly stupid and needlessly geeky similie, but I'm still working through my fraternity initiation [I'm a procrastinator] and today's hazing ritual requires me to "write something that gives Jonah Goldberg a half-chub").

This does raise a question though, Kurt: if you find Jim Crow legitimately abhorrent, and not just a convenient cudgel, why are you guys trying so hard to reboot the franchise?
Bull Connor was a union-loving populist and a delegate to a Democrat National Convention. 
While today he'd be the Keynote Speaker at CPAC.
Your Democrat party relies on racial divisions, lies, and hatred. 
And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope!
Quick, which party would fold tomorrow if racial hatred suddenly evaporated – the party that seeks to limit government and to empower every individual to create his own success, or the party that seeks to grow government to more lavishly hand out scraps to buy votes?
Frankly, I don't think even something so unsettling to the status quo as the sudden evaporation of racial hatred would make either party would go away -- at least not permanently; they're both too much like herpes -- but it sure wouldn't do Fox News much good.

No, liberals, you are the sexists
No, we're the sexiestJust ask People magazine.
the ones offering up as your nominees a corrupt, accomplishment-free punchline who got where she is solely by being hitched to a successful man. 
Whereas Kurt is a morally bankrupt joke in search of a punchline who pours out his spleen on Townhall because no decent man would have him. You can see why he's bitter.
Anyone else without her plumbing but with her track record of failure would be lucky to be consigned to the Martin O’Malley tier of primary candidate asterisks. If there really was a glass ceiling, a bar exam-flunking, ethically bankrupt hack like Hillary would need a ladder to reach it if she wasn’t already standing on Bill’s shoulders."
What about someone with her plumbing, but an even bigger track record of failure? You know what I'm saying...
You don’t merely tolerate sexism – you reward it. Your demigod Teddy Kennedy didn’t just treat women like trash. He killed one by leaving her to drown alone in the wet, cold dark while he slinked away to his team of Democrat sycophants to sober up and hatch the lies that helped him avoid justice. And you don’t care. You made him a liberal icon.
Well we already downgraded him from demi-god to icon, and that's a pretty severe demotion, going from a guy with his own temples and cult to just another face on an altar screen. What else do you want us to do? It's a little late to cancel his pension.
Then there’s Bill Clinton, Count No. 1 in the lengthy felony fraud indictment of liberal “feminism.” 
I don't think you can make feminism legally responsible for Bill Clinton, let alone indict it for fraud, unless NOW was caught selling imitation Bill Clintons that fell off the back of a truck in New Jersey.
No, Mainstream Media, we are not swallowing the lies you pass off as the truth. 
We're swallowing truth passed off as lies!  Or...Wait...  Well I think we can all agree, the important thing is, you're swallowing.
Liberal newspapers?
Nope, none that I'm aware of.
And we’re sick of funding your war upon our kids for the crime of being normal. If our kids are male, you hate them and call them “rapists” even as you gush over rapist-apologist Hillary.
Wow, you read me like an open book, Kurt. No -- I'll go further -- it's like you've drilled one of those creepy rural motel manager peepholes into the bathroom of my soul.
 If our kids are Christian or Jewish, you want to treat them like outcasts for not worshipping your false gods.
False gods??  That, sir, is a direct attack upon my deeply held religious beliefs, and you may expect a strong letter from my attorneys, Cthulhu, Cthulhu, Hungadunga & Zoth-Ommog!
 And you want to shut them up by empowering campus freaks who shriek that our kids’ dissenting views make them feel “unsafe.”
Speaking as a former campus freak, I can attest that those shrieks aren't always pre-emptive; sometimes they're simply the very human reaction to having your arm twisted up behind your back by three guys who reek of Cruex and Mennan Speed Stick.

But let's face it, Kurt, whatever crimes of normalcy your kids may have committed, neither you nor I are anywhere near the psychological or behavioral baseline. I'm an intense introvert with outrĂ© social views, while you're a borderline sociopath who reacts to empathy the way a vampire does to sunlight. I say we should just embrace our contradictions and taste the rainbow. 
Tick-tock, the era of the computer college education is coming to an end.
Tough titties, DeVry!
Maybe you can find new jobs in the shrinking classified ad sections of those liberal newspapers you still read.
I don't mean to pry, Kurt, but I've got to ask: how do you write a column for the Internet when you don't seem to know the Internet exists?
No, liberals, we refuse to go along and be complicit in the suicide of our culture and our country.
I can just imagine Kurt working the Suicide Prevention Hotline on the night Liberal America calls, and  immediately going into his I'm-rubber-you're-glue bit:

LIBERAL AMERICA: Yeah, I've been thinking about taking my own life--

KURT: No, Liberals, you're not going to kill yourself! I'm going to kill myself! (BANG!)

LIBERAL AMERICA:  Wait -- What?  Hello?  Hello...?
 Your long-term strategy has been to browbeat us into acquiescence, to pester, prod, and persecute us into silence and submission. And why?
Because we like you!
Unlike your leftist heroes elsewhere, American leftists have no army of willing murderers to enforce your sick vision at the point of a gun – except in Wisconsin, and the spotlight’s on that now, you scurrying cockroaches.
By show of hands, who seems more likely to have a sick vision for the country -- the leftist arguing for sensible gun regulations, or the guy denouncing his political enemies as "scurrying cockroaches" and daring you to knock the battery off his shoulder? Oh well. At least Kurt has been spicing up his rhetoric with selections from Adolf Hitler's junior high slam book. 
Just remember that most of you can’t even guess correctly which end of a gun goes “bang.” 
Sure we can. It's the end the little flag comes out of.
So you have to depend upon us normal people going along, of not resisting, of just giving up. 
Well, we aren’t giving up. We’re on to you. We’re fighting back.* And here’s our battle cry: 
“No.”
Well, it's no "Fifty-Four Forty or Fight!", but it is a lot easier to embroider on a pillow.

*If you follow Kurt's link to Amazon, you'll discover that this whole column has been a lengthy infomercial for his new book, a future oral history, something like World War Z, about the conservatives who permanently overrun America. So exactly like World War Z, actually.)

18 comments:

Helmut Monotreme said...

So, I work in Madison, and I don't think I'm familiar with this army of liberals enforcing liberalism at gunpoint? I've lived in the state since 1988 with a year off in Antarctica for good behavior, so you'd think I'd have seen them if they actually existed. If they exist, who pays them? Why would the Walker administration keep them on staff? He's cut $300 million from the UW system this year alone, so you'd think getting rid of a liberal army would be a no brainer for him.

Andrew Johnston said...

You know, I'm a bit of a connoisseur of crap political fiction (left, right or decline to state), and I have to say that Mr. Schlichter has produced a fantastic example of the form. Which is to say that it's basically pornography.

The fundamental framework: Group X (a.k.a. Those Fuckers) try to ruin everything. Then, just as the night is at its darkest, Group Y (a.k.a. the Mary Sue Brigade) swoop in, implement all their brilliant ideas with no complications and token resistance at best, and everyone agrees with them because they're so brilliant and have the biggest dicks. The author's pet issues are of paramount importance, whereas anything s/he doesn't care about (or isn't immediately relevant to those pet issues) gets nudged under the sofa. And no one in the target audience questions any of it, for the same reasons that no one in a different target audience ever questioned why there was a 23-year old with implants in the Girl Scouts.

In Kurt's case, it's also has the classic hallmarks of a spec novel written by someone with no interest in thinking ahead - and in this case, an odd fixation on the recent past (Did you know that within a decade's time, you'll be able to put video on the internet without going through a motion picture studio? I know it sounds like science fiction...). Apparently, the world is going to remain static enough over the next quarter century that the political issues of the 2020's and 30's are the exact same as they are now. More remarkably, the political tactics don't change, either. Democrats continue to use the phrase "War on Women" in 2024, and while this may seem like a lack of creativity on Kurt's part, Kurt would like you to know that it's actually a lack of creativity on the part of liberals (As you know, liberals have always demonstrated very limited media and tech savvy #trufax).

Anyway, the "insurgency" (his term) is saved from the hell of Hillary by...a woman Republican President! Yes, in true hack conservative fashion, Kurt opts to put in as many female/minority characters as possible so that when he inevitably forgets he's writing fiction, he can rub it in people's faces. So this amazing female President proceeds to implement a host of glibertarian policies which, naturally, are immediately and massively popular. She repeals the ACA - which, again, hasn't changed in a decade - and everyone's happy ("Hooray! We're all now one misadventure away from being broke, just like God intended!"). She somehow gets rid of all the judges she doesn't like, because constitutional conservatives give no fucks for the separation of powers. Gay marriage is no longer an issue - not so much because it's legal, but because Kurt doesn't care about it. Then they pass an amendment mandating "self-sufficiency," and I know it sounds like I'm making that up, but I invite you to see for yourself - it's in the Amazon sample.

So that's my very long comment on this amazing piece of shit. Oh, one more for the road - Kurt actually opts to favorably compare his fictional "insurgency" to the People's Liberation Army. In fact, the first chapter is called "Long March," a reference to a foundational event in PRC history that is so thoroughly infused with propaganda at this point that it's impossible to tell what actually happened. Not what I would have gone with, but okay Kurt, whatever you say. Oh, he also fucks up Chinese history a little bit, but that's the least of his literary sins.

~Andrew (formerly Discordia, KillSmiley, etc.)

heydave said...

"we’re sick of funding your war upon our kids for the crime of being normal"...

First thing I thought of when Kurt spewed that shit were young people dying in Iraq, so he had me on his side!

Meanie-meanie, tickle a person said...

This is the Google translation of the original High School German, right?

maryclev said...

Liberal newspapers?

Um...can I buy a predicate, Pat?

Dr.BDH said...

Well, Helmut might not have seen the army of leftist murderers down in Madison, but up here in the Northwoods we know the capital is crawling with them. Singing, blowing horns, waving signs - bone-chilling harbingers of doom and destruction that Scott Walker single-handedly neutralized. It says so, right there in "Unintimidated: A Governor's Fight Against Ninjas, Goons and English Teachers."

grouchomarxist said...

Wow. You could almost feel the spittle-spray. And smell the liverwurst and onion.

At every turn, liberals and their suck-ups in the media and academia seek to delegitimize our interests, concerns, and opinions.

I dunno. You guys seem to be doing a first-rate job of trashing your legitimacy all by your lonesome, between the shameless lying, the crazy, stupid shit you say in public, and the multiple ongoing disasters spawned by your various fundamentalisms.

All that ridiculous bombast, just to pimp his crappy little screed.

Professor Chaos said...

Interesting how "president Feckless and the Wimptones" are somehow capable of bullying and browbeating conservatives into submission . Geez, pick a narrative, Kurt!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Our President learned how to fiddle while Rome burns from the master, Prof. Chaos (IF that is your real name!!)
~

Meanie-meanie, tickle a person said...

Wow. You could almost feel the spittle-spray. And smell the liverwurst and onion.

I smelled schnitzel and kraut. I swear, this asshole coulda worked for Adolph. In fact, people like this can almost make you believe in reincarnation...

Thomas Adkins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thomas Adkins said...

Uh say, just wait a gol-darn minute, Mr, Bull Connor was a Dixiecrat. He hated unions, desegregation, freedom riders, Bobby Kennedy, and uppity n-n-n-n-n.....non-wites who had the temerity to claim their civil rights. He would proudly claim to be a teabagging scumbag today.

Scott said...

Very true, Thomas, but I'm not sure we should blow Kurt's fragile if febrile mind with the concept of "Dixiecrats" when he can't even make it all the way through the word "Democratic" without bailing out before the final syllable.

Helmut Monotreme said...

Dr BDH, I'm sure you've identified the army of 'leftist murderers' pretty well. But if he thinks that everyone outraged by Scott Walker's reprehensible maladministration represents an army, one wonders what Kurt's role was within the actual US Army, and what kind of perceptual disorder leads him to equate a few million people in uniform, with a few hundred bases around the world, with all of the guns tanks, bombs and the the backing of the federal government to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars a year with a few thousand people that showed up in Madison for a few weeks to sing and yell, and the few dozen that still do it whenever governor comb-over does something exceptionally mean spirited to raise his visibility to the Koch Brothers.

Meanie-meanie, tickle a person said...

Well, I know when I've been Schlict. All over...

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

1. Fuckin'-A, HeyDave!!!

2. Good shot, Mary --- now go beat that repulsive toad into a big greasy splatter with an actual book on GRAMMAR!!!

3. Since neither reason, sanity, nor law/regulations/slumlord responsibility has been able to turn the carpetbagging turd in the other half of "my" house INTO A HUMAN BEING (he just threatened to blow my head off with a shotgun on Sunday), I've resorted to the non-believer's Quickie Kit (aka The Solano Recipe (C) of Ditching Bad Neighbors & Roommates) @ the botanica, to rid myself of this plague. With whatever I've got left over, can someone direct me to Kurt's house? Nope, *I* don't have to be a statue-kissing believer, so long as THEY believe "ENOUGH" for it to skeer the shit out of 'em! Cross fingers, knock wood, hope that it works for me!!!

Love y'all! Hope to be around more soon!
XOXOXO
J/Annti

Smut Clyde said...

Well, it’s time to draw a red line

I suspect that two cliches tried to find their way out of Schlichter's head at the same time, one involving lines-drawn-in-the-sand and the other about tachometer limits, and the resulting collision was not a pretty sight.

Bitter Scribe said...

This guy's bio says he was a standup comic. He must have been a riot.