Sunday, May 31, 2015

Dr. Laurie Roth Can't Stop Sexing You Up!

Sex!

Oh.  Um.  Heh...

Sorry about that. I guess I got a bit of an earworm from Dr. Laurie Roth's latest column, and now I can't seem to--SEX!

SEX!

SexysexsexsexSEX!

You know what? I'm just gonna yield the floor to Laurie, since she's a doctor (of Counseling) and a former disco recording artist, and a Tae Kwon Do black belt, so maybe she can talk me down, cure my boogie fever, or just kick me senseless, as she promises to in her bio ("if she can't reason with you, you had better duck before the roundhouse kick sends you flying!"). Although the kicking kind of reminds me of the trampling fetish which reminds me of--GAH!

Excuse me, I'm gonna go stand under a cold shower and bite on a washcloth for awhile. Dr. Laurie?
Sex, sex, and more sex...in every way with everyone
Okay, this isn't helping...
It appears the gift of "sex" and sexuality has been forced over a cliff and shattered into a thousand pieces of broken and perverted expression.
Has your sexuality fallen and shattered into a thousand perverted pieces? Now there's hope, because what many people mistake for their sexuality is often just that Hummel figurine they inherited from Grandma Lillian, and once you learn to tell the difference between your penis and a porcelain effigy of a jolly burgomeister, your sex life is almost guaranteed to improve!
Experts are everywhere and those who demand to change our legal, religious, educational, and political core. 
This can be confusing, because I once met a malcontented "expert" who wanted to "blast" my "core," and I naturally reported her to the FBI as a potential terrorist, but it turned out she was just a pilates instructor.
We must become another creature...void of Godly morals, laced with experimental sexual drives and controlled by feelings, government, and liberal agendas. "Act out, do it again, and we will treat your diseases."

I had no idea the process of becoming The Batman was so similar to contracting gonorrhea.
Shockingly, the most perverted among us run for president and dream of controlling us from the top down. 
I don't really care of the President is a guy I'd enjoy having a beer with, however -- and this is really a sign of how old and old fashioned I am -- I'd rather he was a top than a bottom.
We have been forced to endure the never ending story about Hillary and Bill...sex this and sex that. 
Honestly, I want to pull my weight here, but my back hurts and I'm starting to chafe, so let's make a deal, Laurie...I'll sex this, but you sex that.
We see the perverted pedophile friend here...
Hi, Josh!
sell-out and money laundering there....the sleep around, sell-out family in every way.
That's a harsh, but fair description, I suppose...
 Sadly, so far it looks like Hillary will be running on the Democrat ticket. Moral, legal, and faith bankruptcy!
I guess that's an okay campaign slogan, but it's no "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too."
Hillary is not the only one competing for the "sex and moral lunacy award." 
She's just the only one who could beat Rick Santorum in the evening gown competition.
We still await the ruling from the Supreme Court on "mandated gay marriage." Will it be pushed and forced on all 50 states, and will this crush freedom of speech and religious rights?
Survey says...(timpani!)...No.
Sex with everyone and everything...bring it. Women and women – men and men – sex with groups, neighborhoods – sex with old men and young boys – sex with your Beagle – then do it all again after you changed your sex over the weekend. Now, you come with all your "rights" from the other side.
Crap, I missed my cue. Sorry! Can we take it again from the beginning?
Will it become a crime to be married to your husband, not sleep around and not allow others to join in? Just think of the exclusive hate of that position. 
Even worse, "Exclusive Hate" is one of the least popular positions in the Kama Sutra, right behind "Kneeling Wheelbarrow" and "Lustful Leg."
There will be no one in my bed except my husband and I....ok, our dog Scooter as well, but not for sex.
Um, whatever you say, Doc.
Apparently, some have never learned from history what happens when God and morals are completely removed from sexuality and its expression. Rome started its downturn in 190 AD and was known for acting out with sexual expression, torture of Christians, and violence in between their artistic expressions.
But then in 313 AD the Christians remembered their safe word, and suddenly the party was over!
God put parameters and limits around sex, not to torture and punish us, but to protect us and bless us all. Sex was created by God as an intimate and holy expression of love to another person of the opposite sex.
God's legal representatives, Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub & Belial, LLC, sued homosexuals for infringing on His intellectual property, but the Supreme Court ruled that gay sex was legal under the Fair Use doctrine, and also kind of hot.
He invented the holy sacrament of marriage where sex is meant to live and prosper.
God gets a lot of credit for inventing marriage, but almost none for inventing divorce, but come on -- you figure he had to have been involved; otherwise it'd be like inventing the bottle cap, but not the bottle opener.
Instead, many in America have turned sex and its expression into a walking and diseased "side show." 

America's Greatest Sex Symbol.

7 comments:

grouchomarxist said...

sex with your Beagle

I hear Chuck Darwin tried that, and got a whacking big splinter in the Galapagos. Quite painful, as I understand.

Meanie-meanie, tickle a person said...

It appears the gift of "sex" and sexuality has been forced over a cliff and shattered into a thousand pieces of broken and perverted expression

Somebody tell this "black belt" to save the side kicks and elbow smashes for the dojo, and have mercy on her poor word processor. This ain't journamalism, this is an affrontal assault on the reader's reading comprehension center, designed to numb the forebrain, and leave the reader wide open and vulnerable (Wingnut Susceptibility Mode). Take it a paragraph at a time, and you should be OK. Sort of...

tony in san diego said...

I couldn't help but think of Nixon talking about Checkers!

Doc Logan said...

Ever notice that whenever the topic of marriage equality comes up, some people's minds go directly to bestiality?

Never let a republican dogsit for you, is what I'm saying.

Li'l Innocent said...

Never allow your vital urges to be enticed into pompous self-righteous god-blathering. It makes you write awful.

Professor Fate said...

Always love it when they cite the example of the Roman Empire - seeing as the Western part fell AFTER it became Christian - not while it was having orgies and had meals that featured things like lark's tongues. That bit was known as the "Pax Romana"

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

She's just the only one who could beat Rick Santorum in the evening gown competition.

All Glory to Tengrain!
~