Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Happy Birthday, Preznit!

I'm sure the plethora of white sales tipped you off already, but for those who may not have been perusing the dry goods circulars in their local newspaper, today is the birthday of preznit giv me turkee, and therefore a national holiday.  Now, to be fair, the nation doesn't seem to agree with me on this, but I decided to take the day off anyway, because I think it's important to honor our preznits and their service and it's not like I had anywhere I needed to be anyway.  So whaddya say? Let's get this party started!

I don't know just how venerable Preznit is, but I don't believe he's quite old enough for a Lemon Party, so this seemed like the next best thing. After all, Prunes are "oh-so-easy", famous as the sluts of the desiccated fruit family, so there's a good chance the birthday boy will get lucky tonight! Or at least have a smooth and trouble-free trip to the toilet tomorrow morning.

Before we go any further, let's do some quick photo analysis, examining the image above for tips on conjugating the shit out of the verb "to party." Now admittedly, the girls on either end don't seem to be all that into the prunes; in fact, they appear to be ignoring the dried fruit entirely, and instead concentrating on their home-made incendiary devices, which I presume are intended as a protest against the lack of birthday candles on the cake. And the lack of a cake.

The girl on the right is treating her I.E.D. rather gingerly, perhaps fearful of a premature detonation, but the girl on the left is cool and ruthless, and probably went to Belfast after college and wound up in the IRA. Or perhaps she hiked into the Pyrenees and joined the Basque Separatist group, ETA. Or maybe even the SLA. At any rate, I'm sure that eventually she joined one of the many three-initial terrorist groups that end in "A", and all because of prunes.

The boy on the left is clearly attempting to eat around the prune, and seems pretty relieved by his success, but the boy on the right is overcome with despair and futility, and is actually cooperating in his own oppression by digging into the prune itself, because really, what choice does he have? He has been invited to a party, a party where cake is both expected and obligatory, and yet a party where there is no cake. He has been made to don a dignity-destroying paper hat, to sit awkwardly at a fragile card table, and to submit to the false cheer of his fellow partygoers, including a girl whose party dress and party hat are belied by the grimacing way she holds her party favor, which is most likely a bomb she has fashioned from straw and nihilism. In such grim circumstances, he no doubt wonders, why not eat the prune? In such circumstances, is the prune not, in fact, the perfect metaphor for human existence in a random and absurd universe: a dead thing, made even deader through dehydration.

Yes. Yes, he will eat the prune, for the prune is both the symbol and the essence of his own mortality.

But while the picture may tell a tale of existential and other kinds of nausea, the text is cheerful, optimistic, even manic about the menu:
Win their hearts with prune tarts
And win their minds with watermelon rinds. Why didn't we try this approach in Viet Nam?
Just yummy, Mummy!
Well, the prune is dry, wrinkled, chewy, and discolored, so I guess it does taste a bit like mummy meat.
Wonderful California prunes are fairly bursting with energy, iron, vitamins and minerals.
I was a lot like those kids when I was their age -- fretting over iron-poor blood, and always buttonholing the hostess at birthday parties to quiz her about the mineral content of the cake. Anyway, dig into enough of those prunes and you'll be fairly bursting too, so you might want to grab a magazine.
To make delicious, decorative prune tarts just use your favorite prune whip recipe.
Don't eat that you idiot, it's just decorative! Jeez, you'll be gnawing on the decoupage next.

By the way, before you pull out the prune whip I should probably tell you that my safe word is "roughage."
Pour into tart shells and top with whole prunes, stuffed with almonds.
If you're going to force whole prunes on us, you might as well have the decency to stuff them with bitter almonds, because then we might swallow a fatal dose of hydrogen cyanide and die quietly in a corner during Pin the Tail on the Donkey, our dignity intact.

Hm. This is ending on kind of a downer note for a birthday party. How about we replace the prune tarts with some wholesome pre-Code cheesecake?

In honor of the occasion we've flown in Myrna Loy all the way from 1931 to give you kids with your "hook-ups" and your "sexting" a master class in "bedroom eyes."

And just to seal the deal...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Happy birthday, Preznit!

13 comments:

Jim Donahue said...

Happy b-day, Preznit!

PS: When did "prunes" become "dried plums"? I hope whoever it was got a raise.

Bill S said...

Have a Most Excellent Birthday, preznit!

heydave said...

So many things to say...
First, isn't that girl a bit young for an IED?
Second, you just know that "prune whip" is pronounced with the "H" just as Stewie would want.

And third, have a huge happy, preznit!

s.z. said...

I want a prune party for my birthday! It just sounds so festive and iron-rich. So, good job, Scott, and Happy Birtday, Mr. Preznit!

M. Bouffant said...

Don't answer the 'phone!

Many happy returns.

grouchomarxist said...

This child of the 50s well recalls those hedonistic days: the prune parties, the fig fiestas, the all-night olive orgies of my childhood. As I remember, the adults took a fiendish delight in inflicting them on us. I still wake at night, sitting bolt upright, trembling, soaked with sweat, screaming "I don't have a favorite recipe for prune whip!"

Good times ...

Nice photo of Myrna Loy, in the exotic, vaguely foreign seductress stage of her career. I'll take the cheesecake over the prune tart -- why does that sound so naughty? -- any day.

Happy birthday, o illustrious Preznit!

maryclev said...

Forget the Prune Party; let's have a Myrna Loy Party!

Very Happy Birthday, Preznit and may the odds be ever in your favor! (I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds good)

preznit said...

Thanks All.

Mary- I think it involves betting on the ponies, but sadly I think all I can bet on currently is the football since I'm in the UK ;}

D. Sidhe said...

Happy Birthday, Preznit! I can probably get you the recipe for the jar of tart plum jam that's in my fridge. It's pretty clearly made with prunes. Either that or you can just drink. I kind of recommend that, actually.

(It's not bad, really, but it is an awfully *large* jar.)

Li'l Innocent said...

A day late, a prune short, ah well! I'm surprised, though, preznit, that with all this talk of fruits and tarts, no one thought to offer you some turkee.

I've never been to an all-fruit party in any sense of that term, but my late beautiful mother had a prune-whip dessert that was divinely delicate and delicious - involved whipped cream in the nicest way. I wish it upon you belatedly; externally as well as internally if you like! Happy Birthday.

D. Sidhe said...

Quick non-birthday related question. Have we already discussed Ann Coulter in Sharknado 3, or am I going to have to actually watch it and try to put words to the horror?

Scott said...

I have to admit, we've been dilatory in discussing Ann's motion picture debut (although I'd like everyone to kindly note my prediction that her on-screen credit will read: "And Introducing Ann Coulter as 'Chum'."). So I guess it's up to you, D., to have to arrange the play date between Words and Horror. Considering the fine job you did with Piranha, I know we're in good hands.

Carl said...

Prez! Happy birthday! And you got Myrna Loy!

Not the old haggish (but still funny as all get out) Myrna Loy I knew as a child, but the sleek, seductive, girl-next-door-who-could-lick-the-chrome-off-a-truck Loy. Lucky man.