Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Fasterbate!

I'm on deadline today, so I hope you don't mind if we revisit one of my favorite posts from the old site (originally published April 20, 2008):

Beat (Off) The Clock!

Finally, Abstinence Only sex education reaches its logical conclusion with this exciting new program!
You know, life is short, and masturbation is not the answer, especially when there’s a skeleton with a giant clock watching you wank, because, you know, talk about performance anxiety!
Just look around you, time is moving very fast without stopping ,
The clock is ticking are you listening to it?
Just look back when you were a child, was it far away in the distance past?


No, no it was almost like yesterday. Time is moving so fast that you can wake up and you will be 70 or 80 years old and without realizing it.
Life is very short.
Finally, find the truth about Masturbation and what you can do to stop it.
Learn how to make the most of your life now!
While you’re whacking off, Vietnamese moppets in Ho Chi Minh City are making our sneakers, Indians in Mumbai are processing our credit card payments, and Romanian IT guys are taking our tech support calls. In today’s fast-paced, global economy, you just can’t afford to take the time to masturbate, unless you’ve got some efficient, reliable porn that allows you to successfully rub one out while your bagel is toasting.
But let’s not panic. Perhaps you’re not one of those sorry wretches in thrall to the Goddess of the Manual Arts, squandering the precious moments of your life in a squalid, squelching slick of bodily fluids and artificial lubricants. But you’d better take the quiz just to make sure (check all statements that apply…)
I want to know the real effect on my health of frequent masturbation. Is it “ok” or does it really destroy my health, as I feel it does. I want to find a scientific answer to this, and if it affects my health negatively I want to know how to overcome it.
Sounds like you need the kind of scientific answers that only an e-book sold exclusively through a poorly spelled website can provide!
I am masturbating
As we speak? Man, you have got it bad!
and I feel inside my self that it is wrong , however I can’t stop doing it. After I masturbate I feel guilty I want to overcome this habit.
Well, it might ease your guilt if you didn’t dress like a nun whenever you beat off.
I have been masturbating for many years now
Congratulations old timer. Here's your gold watch and your Wet Nap.
and I want to get rid of this habit. I tried many times to stop it, but always, after a few days, I come back to watch pornographic content on the Internet and in movies. I have a sincere desire to stop it.
It's a tragic story, like Ray Milland in Lost Weekend, except with German MILFs and Crisco.
I masturbate often while watching pornographic sites on the net.
Yep. Sounds like you’ve grasped the concept all right.
I spend much valuable time which prevents me from doing other important activities. I feel that it is time to overcome the habit of masturbation.
If setting aside sufficient time to accomplish your goals is the issue, may I suggest you read The 7 Habits of Highly Horny People?
I want to know if it is a “good” or “bad” thing to masturbate.
Depends how you’re doing it. If you’re chafing, it’s probably “bad.”
I want to know with a scientific rather than a dogmatic explanation.
Dude, you are so making me hot.
After masturbation I feel exhausted , like I have lost my strength. I understand that this is not a positive situation, and I want to do something to overcome it.
If you’re winded after jerking off, time management may not be your biggest problem.
After I masturbate I become aggressive to my partner and often this leads me to destructive and negative actions. I am the cause of this, since after masturbating I become more anxious and nervous.
That must be an interesting household…
“Hi baby, I’m home.”
“Fuck off!”
“Wha–? Have you been masturbating?!”
“I…I don’t know what you–Augh!! Make the skeleton stop looking at me!!
I see successful people and want to become like them. I understand that I spend most of my time in masturbation and that they don’t and I am willing to take action to overcome this habit once for all.
“To begin with, I’m going to widen my stance…”
I want to watch pornographic content on the Internet all the time although I don’t masturbate.
I’m just a connoisseur of ass pimples.
I know inside myself that this habit is not a positive one because it is taking the time that I could use to do something which is more fulfilling and constructive.
Like listening to music with my speakers off.
But is masturbation really a problem? Especially if your mom doesn’t catch you?
The Problem of Masturbation
We live in a new era, it is a mass media era. You know how easy it is to access a free pornographic site on the Internet and in other mass media like TV, DVDs, video and magazines.
Still, we waste less time than those poor Victorians who couldn’t find a copy of The Pearl and had to beat off to Punch.
And you also know how easy this kind of viewing leads to masturbation.
This is why I never even glance at the big screen TVs when I’m in Best Buy. You just never know.
In 99% of all cases, this leads to dependency. It is impossible to overcome it, no matter how hard you try. In less than a week’s time after deciding to stop, you may be in front of your computer browsing for pornography again and masturbating. It seems to be a trap that you can’t escape from. Masturbation affects a person’s life negatively in the following ways:
  • Masturbation destroys your health
  • You waste your valuable time on masturbation
Actually, as any reader of this blog will tell you, my time isn’t really all that valuable.
  • Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
  • Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner
  • Makes you feel guilty after masturbation (inferiority complex)
“I’m a lousy masturbator. I couldn’t masturbate my way out of a damp grocery bag…!”
  • Creates a negative psychology that can affect your business life
“I was going to sign the contract, Mr. Stevens, but I just can’t help thinking that at some point, you’ve been swabbing the knob.”
  • Prevents you from making your life’s dream come true(since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
“You’re complaining about masturbating 8 hours a day? Why, when I was a kid, I had to quit school in the fifth grade and start masturbating to help my family. I jerked off 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and you think that was easy? We didn’t even have internet porn in my day! Why, all I had to work with was a brief glimpse of a dowager’s ankle as she stepped into a brougham!”
  • Successful people are not addicted to the habit of masturbation simply because they spend their time doing what is important for them and their loved ones and not in masturbationAre you willing to take the action and stop the habit of masturbation? orWill you allow this habit to destroy your life completely?Remember life is very short.How many times did you find yourself in a situation like this? When part of your self understood that this it is wrong to sit and spend hours of your unique valuable time browsing or watching pornographic films or websites, but at the same time you couldn’t do anything to avoid doing it?
    You feel and you know that it is not a good thing to do it, but still you are doing it.
And just remember that whenever you masturbate, somewhere there’s a skeleton with a huge Flava Flav clock timing you.

[Original comments below the fold]

31 Responses to “Anti-Wankers of the Day”

The testimony of one of the beneficiaries of this program sums it all up:
“I cured my problem of masturbation which crippled me for more than 30 years thanks to your program.”
Apparently this program has been around doing its work for quite a while.
I’ve seen my cat masturbate, should I send him this program as well?
Essential viewing for extra course credits:
http://www.neatorama.com/neat/worst-sin.htm
Yes, it’s safe for work. And I unreservedly apologize for the last link I sent.
I can’t wait until they tie this in to abortion: We’re killing BILLIONS of half-people!
Of course, you could say the same thing about blow jobs…
Man, I am so tempted right now … to buy the book just for the novelty of it. Imagine having it handy (excuse the word, please) for some diverting reading at the lunch counter of your favorite restaurant. A wonderful conversation piece!
Oh, man. Okay, this is the first time I’ve laughed all week. I’m so getting that book. Holy shit. It can go on the shelf between my book about how to use a Rubik’s Cube to tell the future and my zombie survival guide.
Man… That “waste of time” argument is beautiful. I’m reminded of a comedy sketch I saw somewhere once wherein guys were gathered in a room for a support meeting where they declared they were no longer going to the bathroom because it was a waste of their valuable time and they would no longer be tyrannized by their bladders.
My God, the time I waste folding cranes. The time I waste having sex! The time I waste sleeping! The time I waste cooking food! But when you come right down to it, I can’t actually think of anything I *could* be doing that wouldn’t be a waste of time in the long run. I could be the next Mother Teresa, and people still die and the sun still burns out, and what does it matter in the end? I frankly might as well be masturbating. Five billion years from now, it’ll all pretty much be the same, with the literally insignificant bonus that I will likely have made fewer people hate themselves than these “take the action” folks. (And am I the only one wondering if they got stuck with that stupid domain because they were too busy masturbating to think up anything better?)
But my favorite part of the site is the list of questions people ask about the program. Especially:
Do I need special equipment?
It made me realize that not masturbating is clearly every bit as big an investment of your time, income, and energy as even extremely sophisticated masturbation is. My hat is off to these enthusiastic souls.
By dogmatic, do they mean what actual doctors say? You know, that masturbation is actually harmless?
Can we get copies signed by the author? If so, what to inscribe? Decisions, decisions.
How about:
“To Jonah Goldberg: best of luck!”
Glad to see someone is feeling better and posting more.
But what’s with this red theme? It makes me want to go play with myself…
Oh! The memories of the good ol’ slow life from our childhood! With no TV, DVD, or Internet, we had time for everything: swimming in the lake, fishing in the river, playing in the park, and masturbating in everyplace available. With no hurries, just enjoying that small, delicious moments!
Modern life is killing us, man!
I just had a meeting with my new boss.
It was sorta like masturbation, except neither of us really enjoyed it that much. Yet I feel we accomplished just as much.
I’m glad to see no special equipment is required.
heydave! You’re almost there! When you stop feeling that tingling feeling and are able to replace the mundane monotony of everyday life, interspersed with a little co-dependency and passive agression, why, you’ll never even want to know if you can pleasure yourself. Why bother! Hate and blame will take it away!
I’m glad to see no special equipment is required.
unlike golf
[...] Best. Book. EVER: [...]
and i’m sure it’s just a “coincidence” that the previous post was on Matt Lewis
Seriously, what activity could possibly be more important than masturbating? I know when I was in line at the DMV the other day, I was thinking, “I can’t believe how long this is taking! And I still have to masturbate today!”
I am far from convinced that “people browsing the Internet” is the right audience to advertise a book about how to save one’s precious time.
Who needs a book? I just naturally wank quickly thereby ensuring I don’t waste valuable time but still enjoy myself!
Wankers unite, you have nothing to lose but your stains
Humph, professional anti-self-abuse rhetoric (not to mention theory) has totally gone down the crapper since the heyday of Dr. Graham and Anthony Comstock. Those dudes knew how to frame wanking as the 55-degree exudate-slicked ramp into Hell. “Wasting valuable time”, fooey.
fardels bear comments on the DMV reminded me of my last time there. I was hesitating over filling out the form where I had to mark “sex.” The clerk asked me sarcastically if I had a problem choosing. I replied “well, I really like to f, but mostly I have to m, so I’m not sure which to circle.”
Man, everything old is new again.
The site says the money it raises goes to Albanian children in need. Does that mean “Every Time You Masturbate, God Kills a Poor Albanian Child”?
Oh, trenchcoat, that was gold.
In case anybody hasn’t noticed, I haven’t posted here in a couple weeks because my brother was working on re-formatting my computer but had to wait til he had time to come over. He’s currently working two jobs, so he barely has time to visit. So I’m not sure if he manages to fit self-pleasure into his schedule. I’ll have to ask him.
Me, I’ve got plenty of, um, time on my hands.
Welcome back, Bill. Please wash your hands.
After I masturbate I become aggressive to my partner and often this leads me to destructive and negative actions. I am the cause of this, since after masturbating I become more anxious and nervous.
U R doin it wrong!
Well, it’s that, or he’s doing it on the subway, and has to constantly flee from security afterward.
Sheeeuht… EIGHT HOURS? Eight hours of wrasslin’ the devil? Eight hours of pulling and stroking and squeezing and… ahem.
If you are masturbating that long, my man (or laydee), you iz doin’ summat WRONG, y’here? It’s like milkin’ a cow – no milk, check to see if it in fact lactatious female bovine you is yankin’ on.
I spend frequent quality time with MY noony, I take care of business in a timely manner, get up, clean up (usually) and get on with it. If I don’t deal with my noony, after a while I get to wanting to kill somebody, anybody, right now.
Just sayin’.

6 comments:

Li'l Innocent said...

Gosh, I was going to remark that the time-wasting angle is pretty feeble, but then I saw that I'd already said it ... in 2008!

Scott said...

You mean you've had SEVEN YEARS and you STILL haven't come up with any fresh insights on this post? Talk about poor time management...

Li'l Innocent said...

My insights are like giant redwoods. Time means nothing to them; months, seasons flitter by, they drop a few cones, add a couple of rings, but there they stand, immovable, silently chuckling at ephemera like eWatches and progress bars.

heydave said...

Those are Ents!

grouchomarxist said...

I understand the movie rights to this have just been sold. Tentative title: Fasterbate, Pussycat! Yank! Yank!

heydave said...

Those are Ents!