Monday, August 17, 2015

Me and Mr. Jones

By Keith

I'm grateful to Scott C. for allowing me to announce an exciting new feature exclusively for World O' Crappers. Dropping in early September.

From here, to there, to hospital and perhaps beyond, your correspondent will cover exquisitely-constructed and recursively-linked bat-shit and bait-click conspiracy theories promoted by the One and Only Alex Jones, native of Austin, TX.

If you've not previously encountered Mr. Jones, he has a website titled Infowars and a daily podcast you can sample here. But why bother when I'll do the grunt work? You and your loved ones shall never trouble yourselves in the least.

August is never the best time for a product debut, but just to give a teaser, behold the "Alex Jones Conspiracy Convolution Matrix." It's based on a Chinese restaurant menu technique used by 60's print pornographers (also the editors at Fox Cable News). Mix and match ... it's easy. Create your own scenarios ... we'll merge them into a user database on github.



6 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

But why bother when I'll do the grunt work?

You're a brave man, Scott.

P.S. What's annoying about A. Jones? His existence is a huge boon to the Deep State and the shit it actually does pull. Remember how long it took to for an admission that the CIA really did overthrow Iran's democracy in 1953?
~

ckc (not kc) said...

YOU CANT FOOL ME!!!

Carl said...

First, good luck, Keith. Wonkette had Fartknocker do a weekly Sarah Palin TV channel write up. Poor boy, but I understand the tea cozy he weaved in the home is of really high quality.

Second, there are tremendous marketing opportunities here: Alex Jones tea cozies, Alex Jones approved tin foil hats, Alex Jones...errrr, I'm afraid that's it.

Doc Logan said...

Um...

Keith?

Please reconsider.

Not only is Jones more batshit than a cave floor, he's got an astoundingly grating voice. After a few hours of listening to Edgar Buchanan rant about the Illuminati, the urge to self-medicate will be overwhelming.

grouchomarxist said...

Destroy the cinematic works of Diana Dors? The monsters!!!

Too bad you've already tipped your hand. There's only one reasonable inference to draw from the fact that your chart has no mention of the Bilderberg Group ...

What about Bigfoot and the Ogopogo? Reliable sources -- i.e. those "special" back molar fillings -- tell me there's a secret lab in the North Woods where their DNA is being combined to create an amphibious super-soldier for the EPA!

Seriously, though, good luck. You're a braver man than I, Keith. Just because there's less immediate damage from listening to this stuff than huffing paint stripper and having someone hit you in the head two or three times with a framing hammer, don't go getting cocky.

Keith said...

Dear Fellow Crappers,

Thanks so much for your comments.

Carl: Comparisons to "Fartknocker" are inevitable. I'm sorry Tundra Trash's tv pay-per-view experiment failed and there is no longer "Fartknocker."

Mr. Jones, however, doesn't charge a fee so no solicitation for funds required.

Doc Logan: The urge to self-medicate takes place several hours before first draft. Don't worry. However, you're more than welcome to send a few dollars via PayPal to Scott c/o "Keith's Weed Till Fund." I think he's taking a 20% commish. It hasn't been negotiated yet.

Grouchomarxist: No Bilderberg? One of my back molars fell out the last time I ran a fever from influenza, so there's no back-channel installed yet and we're working only on mono. Bilderberg will be coming to your browser soon.

Now all of yous go over and wish W-O'-C a happy twelfth anniversary.

See you again after Memorial Day.

xo,
Keith