Saturday, March 26, 2016

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

By Bill S.

Once again, it's time to extend a warm "Happy Birthday" wish to the ever wonderful MaryC. But what would be a suitable gift? In past years, I've searched the pages of the ever reliable Carol Wright Gifts catalogs, but I recently received another one, intriguingly titled "Jonson Smith's THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED..."

And, boy howdy, they weren't kidding. Until I looked at it, I had no idea how much merchandise there was geared to Freemasons. Which raises the following question: "How the hell did I wind up on a mailing list for a catalog that sells that crap?"

They had other items too, of course, including books celebrating the work of two geniuses from MAD magazine, Don Martin and Frank Jacobs. I wouldn't mind getting those myself. But I'm not shopping for me (isn't that always the way? You go shopping for a gift, and see stuff you want?)

Let's see what other selections are available:

NRA T-Shirts

"Keeping Good People Free And Bad People At Bay"($17.99-$19.96)

"You Can Never Have Enough Ammo Or Too Much Practice" ($17.99-$19.98)

These shirts are useful in helping identify people you want to avoid at a party or anywhere else.

LIFE-SIZED STUFFED DUMMY ($49.98)

"A must-have, year-round staple! Completely stuffed 6-ft.tall dummy has a soft pliable cloth body and head with life like polyurethane hands. ...Outfit not included"

Um, yeah, people are buying this for decorative purposes. Yep. That's it.

POLITICAL PRANK TOILET PAPER
You can get ones with Obama or Hillary. Set of 3 Rolls (3-ply) ($16.98)

Your right wing friends will laugh as they wipe their butts on images of the President and Presidential hopeful. Your left wing friends will also laugh...at the moron who spent $16.98 (plus a shipping charge) on three freakin' rolls of toilet paper.

and on a related note...

TOMMY THE TURD TALKING TOILET ($16. 98)

"Take your potty humor up a notch! This cheeky little turd is sure to make a splash with his 'swirling' rendition of "The Diarrhea Song" and 12 hilarious poop-themed one-liners. Push the handle for flushing sound effects, and lift the seat for some of Tommy the Turd's washroom wisdom and commode crooning....WARNING: Choking hazard-small parts. Not for children under three years."

Choking hazard? Um....I'm not even putting this within a hundred feet of my mouth.

BLACK STRIPE FEDORA ($27.98)

There must be a cheaper way to signal to the world that you're a douche.

SHOT SHELL BOTTLE OPENER WITH SHOTGUN SOUNDS ($14. 98)

"Insert beer bottle neck into opening, tilt slightly and pull out. Action triggers a shotgun blast sound, and your 'twist off' bottle cap is removed!"

And your neighbors call the cops during your next party, because they think there's a gangland slaying going on. Fun!

AMERICAN SNIPER CAP ($14. 98) and CHRIS KYLE FROG FOUNDATION T-SHIRT ($20.98-$22.98)

Throw in a creepy animatronic baby and you've got something!

WHORE STORIES-A HISTORY OF WORKING GIRLS (AND GUYS) ($14.95)

"True stories of famous streetwalkers, pimps, call girls and rent boys! This book offers a revealing look at the men and women who have blazed the bawdy trail of prostitution since the dawn of time. Includes plenty of details (and celebrities like Bob Dylan, Nancy Reagan and Al Pacino) that will leave you in awe."

For sure. I knew Bob Dylan was a music pioneer, but I wouldn't have guessed he'd made any trailblazing discoveries in prostitution. And Nancy Reagan? Gosh, why was that left out of her obituary?

FAKE SUNSCREEN TUBE IS REALLY A FLASK ($10.98)

"Smuggle your booze anywhere inside this clever flask that looks like an ordinary tube of sunscreen. Easy to fill, easy to hide at the beach, pool, concerts, amusement parks, etc."

Nobody will suspect you've got booze, they'll just think you like drinking sunscreen, which is perfectly normal. Especially if you're sitting in the living room. I don't think I need to look anymore, this one's the winner.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARY C!

Also...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!

8 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

I raise my glass in a toast to the Birthday Lady: Many many, more & happier! (Why weren't you a Sep't. baby like the so many of us?)

And Bill, sophisticates usually pour (or squeeze) from our flasks into a relatively less expensive soft drink, at least in venues where slugging from a flask would still be obvious & discouraged. Oh, for the Golden Age, when one could toke up in airplane bathrooms, & a man could shove a half-pint down his crotch, drink anywhere he shouldn't & save money in places where they encouraged it, but at high prices.

But enough nostalgia, the future is ahead (somewhere) & it's just a yr. 'til the next one.

maryclev said...

Bill, I LOVE the sunscreen flask! Can't wait to take it on my next field trip!
Thanks for the BD post, too! Hilarious of course, but with a bit of right wing nuttery thrown in for that taste of bile.

M: My birthday is in March because I was the unexpected result of my parents' 15th wedding anniversary celebration. Frankly, I think mom was expecting a Big Metal Chicken (see: The Bloggess), but she had to settle for me.

Doc Logan said...

Happy birthday, Mary!

That SBL looks uncannily like it stepped out of the "Love is..." comic.

M. Bouffant said...

Ha. I think I'm a fifth wedding anniv. babe.

Sue Z Boo said...

I believe I was a cause, rather than a result, of my parents getting married at all.
A very happy birthday, dear Mary. Hope you had a good one and that next year is a stupendous one.
That is one helluva lizard you got there. Very Gene Simmons.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Happy Belated B-Day, Mary C.!!
~

grouchomarxist said...

I think that SBL must be quite popular with the lady L's. It would certainly come in handy with contact lenses.

All the best on your natal day, MaryC, and may there be many more to come!

Anonymous said...

NRA t-shirts...
Keeping good people free and bad people at eBay.
Keeping good people free so bad people can have them too.
Keeping good people free (seasonal availability).
Keeping good people in nearly original condition. (Free)
You can never have too much ammo or too much patience. Nevermind.
You can never have too much NRA. Yes, really.