Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Spwatch! Glurkle! Pwang!

Kurt Schlichter, as he likes to remind us, is a polymath -- soldier, lawyer, author, pundit, and ex-stand-up comedian -- although to me he'll always be a Don Martin-style sound effect.
Democrats Get Mad At the Russians; In Other News, a Dog Marries a Cat
I guess we should be excited that liberals and the media have finally sided against the Russians.
I guess you missed that hockey game between the US and Russia at the Lake Placid Olympic Games in 1980. 
After all, my college years were spent listening to them demand that we unilaterally disarm in the face of the Big Bad Bear.
Yeah, I don't remember that at all. Maybe you were drunk. And in a gay bar. And people were suggesting that you unilaterally disrobe in the face of a big, hairy gay man. The disco music got pretty loud in those places, so it's not surprising you misunderstood.
And then my post college years were spent in West Germany with the mission of killing Russians for as long as I could before my platoon and I were wiped out. 
And how many did you kill? None? At all? Gee, nice work if you can get it...
So welcome to the party, you pinko dorks. It’s about freaking time.
There was an accident on the 405! Look, just take my coat and point me to the bar. I can't believe I passed up an invitation to the Peterson's progressive dinner for this...!
But apparently now me and a bunch of other certified Cold Warriors – yeah, the Army gave me a certificate for perfect attendance in the Cold War – 
Really? You were standing in the Fulda Gap from 1947 to 1991? Boy, did you pull the crap shift! (By the way, does Kurt's claim remind anyone else [besides Ivan, of course] of Dobie Gillis's Dad bragging on his Good Conduct Medal from World War II?)
are Putin’s pals because we are enjoying the hell out of the strongman’s perfectly timed disclosure of the DNC’s purloined emails.  They make undeniable what we always knew, and what the Democrat-owned media has tried desperately to hide; that the Democratic Party is not a political party but a crime cartel peddling lies, trading influence for dollars, and crushing the aspirations of anyone stupid enough to actually believe in it.
So it's a good news/bad news kind of thing? Bad news is, America will be ruled by a dream-crushing crime cartel for the next four years. Good news is, Kurt will defect to Moscow like Kim Philby.
Of course, the DNC’s reaction to revelations was not to change its ways. No, all it did was dump that babbling half-wit Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a sacrifice akin to giving up Spam and Clamato smoothies for Lent.
I probably don't have to remind you guys that Kurt was a stand-up comedian (he always closed with the "Spam and Clamato smoothies for Lent" joke because it's what comics called "a killer bit" and Republicans call "a Second Amendment solution".
Did Putin do it? I bet he did, but then I was never stupid or dishonest enough
Oh give yourself some credit, Kurt. Maybe try a Daily Affirmation ("I'm stupid enough, I'm dishonest enough...")
So why did Putin do it? Who knows? It night be chaos – the ex-KGB spy sure loves chaos.
It night be chaos, or it night be some other fake espionage organization like T.H.R.U.S.H., or S.P.E.C.T.R.E., or HYDRA, or H.A.R.M., or even C.H.U.M.P.
Does Putin want to avoid four years of dealing with President Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit? 
"The Davenport Funny Bone is proud to present..."
Now, Obama has been shafting allies for eight years
Because he's one baaaaad mother--
At the end of my career
Oh, is this the column that did it? Well, I can't say I'm hugely surprised...
some of us grizzled colonels and sergeants major sat around with our young captains and majors, reminding them that we still had a few tricks up our camo sleeves. You see, while these amazing young warriors knew everything there was to know about chasing insurgents, there was something us old warhorses knew how to do that they didn’t. We knew how to kill Russians.
Not Russian soldiers, obviously, since that didn't happen, but were a number of Russian prostitutes who went missing around this same time. Not that I'm implying anything. I think it's obvious Kurt's knowledge of both Russian-killing and sex remains theoretical.
 If I didn’t need a Russia Is Not Our Pal 101 seminar from those young studs
Okay, maybe not entirely theoretical. Perhaps a perfect attendance record during the Cold War entitles you to one pity handjob from a second lieutenant.
I sure as hell don’t need it from a bunch of fellow traveling progressive schmucks who have been kissing bear tail since Stalin grew a moustache.
Kurt Schlichter. Ex-soldier. Alleged Lawyer. Failed comedian. And current Townhall columnist, because at Townhall, the whole is always less than the sum of its parts. 

8 comments:

Katy Williams said...

And then my post college years were spent in West Germany with the mission of killing Russians for as long as I could before my platoon and I were wiped out.

So... he was a NAZI German?

tony in san diego said...

Wait, I am confused. Isn't it Trump and the Trumpistas who get hot for Putin? Does this guy want to kill Trump's boyfriend? Why does he hate America?

Jono said...

Ahhh, the cold war. That sure brings back happy memories.

Katy Williams said...

Jono: "Duck and cover"? I was a little kid, but I wondered what possible good it would do to hide under my desk if an Atom-bomb exploded at the nearby Air Base. "Duck & cover".... and then what?
But I think Kurt Schlichter is confused about when & where he was fighting Russian platoons.

Scott said...

Maybe he was fighting Russian pantaloons. You know, really struggling to pull on a pair of ill-fitting Soviet-made jeggings without giving himself the kind of morale-destroying muffin-top that could lose us the Cold War.

neoconstantine said...

If you haven't read his warporn thing about a tough Marine general called on to defeat ISIS google Kurt Schlicter wildman

Katy Williams said...

My sister was in Germany in the 70s, which counts as Cold War, doesn't it? She fixed helicopter rotors and turbines, but has no memories of Russian Platoons or pantaloons.

Scott said...

Well, sure, fixing helicopters was important to our Russian-killing efforts, just not as vital as having heart-to-hearts with Young Studs.